support thread for those of us having to 'co-parent' with a narc or very difficult exh

[besshope]

Step this way...
May I start of with a great big ROAR of frustration at having spent many years having to co-parent with someone who (after he left me for OW) has gone out of his way to make my life as difficult as possible. I know there are many of us, so here's a space to share frustrations, tips and experiences.

[ThisIsTheRightTime]

I agree ponyprincess; they do believe their own lies. My STBXH hasn't paid the meagre child maintenance he owes me for this month (I pay everything including all school fees, canteen, music schools etc.) And hadn't replied to my polite sms enquiring about this.

[ponyprincess]

That is so horrible ThisisTheRightTime you and DC deserve so so much better. It is just heartbreaking to see how selfish they can be,it is all about them and what they need first!!!

[onwego]

Just read the posts about ex's not saying where the children are. I'm sort of going through this now (and similar every year). He unilaterally breaks agreements every year when he takes ds to visit family overseas. I had thought it might be another way of punishing me for not going back. I increasingly realize that he didn't care about my feelings at all when we were together so why start now? I also thinks he gets off on exerting power over me. I moved on, got married etc but he didn't. That's a real head f for him. What I didn't realize when we were together was that whilst I thought I could take this crap from him, I had no idea that it's the most painful thing in the world when it affects your child and their safety.

To the poster (sorry on my phone and can't scroll back) who is worried about the ex from a non Hague convention country - if you're in London and want a specialist solicitor, let me know and I'll forward the details.

I wish to God that this thread didn't relate to me and my world, but I'm glad that it's here and hopefully we can support each other.

[itsallgonetoshit]

They have to be the innocent victims. Otherwise they might have to admit they've done something wrong. ExH knows what he's done in the past is unforgivable and he's behaving like a shit now, but he believes I'm the one who's to blame for all of it. And if I would just disappear and stop preventing the children from living with him, then he could be the dad he's claiming he is.

DC who has decided to go NC with him has been conveniently whitewashed out of the family by ExH and his GF. It's like he doesn't exist because he doesn't fit the narrative of ExH being an amazing dad to a crowd of adoring DC.

[ponyprincess]

Onwego that sounds so frustrating and difficult! I agree that it is hard to accept the reality that they do not care about your feelings. I think when you are in the relationship you compensate, make excuses and it is a cold hard truth to see they never really thought if anyone except themselves.....they only appeared to if it made them look good or they had some other benefit!!

[ThisIsTheRightTime]

itsallgonetoshit, I could have written your first paragraph about my situation.

[ponyprincess]

itsallgonetoshit you are so right they have to believe as the alternative is to face who they really are and they can never do this! STBXH is the one who left after ignoring us for months and went out of his way to leave wedding rings discarded for me to see and inform of the date he started looking for a new wife yet somehow this is all my fault and he plays it the I am still the 'love of his life' and he is the sad victim!!!

[newshoes68]

I'm 9 yrs and still can't settle on the divorce. Have finally accepted the courts will have to sort it.

[Natsku]

Ex has refused consent for DD to travel abroad with me for a family crisis (back to the UK where my family are) just to try and control me, even though DD was crying and begging him to let her go. How fucked up do you have to be to do that?? I'm still going to take her and cross my fingers we don't get stopped at border control.

[itsallgonetoshit]

The bit I found most difficult in the beginning was seeing his family close ranks. ExH hates most of his family and even the one sister he likes he never had much time for. His nicknames for her DC were Retarded and Grabby. I really liked all my inlaws and used to look after exsil's DC whenever she asked. It's strange how much easier it is for them to think that I and DC are liars than to believe that ExH was abusive, even though they've all seen him lose control and scream obscenities in DC's faces.

[itsallgonetoshit]

Natsku, good luck at border control. Your Ex sounds seriously controlling and horrible.

[piddlypoddlypoo]

Oh can I join. Just stupidly got caught in text argument with ex , I can deal with the shit he gives me but he's been telling dd I m a bully, thief etc. I just can't stand it. So told him to stop it or he wouldn't see her. It just makes me panic as she seems so fine about separation etc but then he's still causing her harm. He's said all sort of inappropriate shit to her and I just can't stand it. Then gaslights like hell and tells me she's making it up, when it's word for word what he rants away at me ! I can't understand why he can't just enjoy her without the need to manipulate her.

[FoofFighter]

Nats Do you have a court order? I hope all will be ok :(

It's DD's birthday this week, hate having to split the day in half but I guess it's the fairest way. I feel bad that I cannot even hint at what I might get her as a gift as I know full wel he'd angle to ge the same thing (but better) and give it her first.

At least I don't have to worry about parties just yet (she'll be 3) but that'll be something to deal with soon enough when she goes to nursery and gets invited to other's parties she'll be wanting one herself next year no doubt. And that'll open up another can of worms!

[Ohb0llocks]

I feel for everyone in this situation. DS doesn't see his dad at the moment. Those who have seen my previous threads know why. Hasn't seen him since August last year (bar half hour in October). We don't speak; every time we have he hasn't enquired about DS, just uses it as an opportunity to be abusive, inform me DS will want to live with him when he's older, says he would not return him if he had contact, says he will tell DS his mummy is 'a cock loving slut' amongst other things (not that I have to justify myself but I'm happily engaged to someone else, he's the one that cheated throughout the relationship).

Did receive a letter asking me to attend mediation, was advised by my solicitor not to attend this. We wrote out to him offering supervised contact (due to his abusive nature/both during and after our relationship, and win such a large gap and DS being so young) with a view to extending this. We have not yet received a reply, this was back around the beginning of May.

He doesn't speak to his mother due to how he is with her, she regularly visits DS, as do other family members of his, they are almost welcome. Last I heard he went on holiday with his girlfriend and spend half of it in a foreign jail cell. Good to know he can afford this, whilst having not paid any maintenance in almost 2 years.

[Mrscaindingle]

Oh this is the thread I've been waiting for, can't believe I didn't think of it myself, thank you Besshope

Like many of you my ex chooses to believe that all his difficulties are my fault as that prevents him from having to look at himself too closely.

Worst thing is that he lets his new GF treat DS2 as a nuisance to be endured. They are expecting a baby and have bought a new house with 3 double rooms. DS2 has been allocated the large cupboard study as a bedroom " because he is hardly there". When he starts voting with his feet as DS1 has already done that will be my fault too. When I tried to point this out to him I was told I need counselling to deal with "my issues".

On another thread someone described the man who talks about a
"crazy ex " as someone who treated his ex badly and got angry when she tried to stand up for herself.

[Ohb0llocks]

Always welcome*

[Thegirlinthetrousers]

What I will never fathom is a) why someone can leave their partner after a long affair and marry the ow, and then treat the ex partner like utter shite and in a manner that is almost akin to them being the wronged party. B) how someone can just leave their kids, refuse to set up a contact agreement, and just see then when it suits, never ever agreeing to mediation or any kind of contact agreement and certainly never taking their ex partner to court, as they know they they will have to commit to regular contact c) then slag off the person who is doing 99.9% of the child rearing to their own kids and anyone that will listen, and criticise any and every parenting decision they make, yet fail to support with emergency childcare ( particularly memorable was when my heating broke down in January and he refused to have the kids overnight so they were warm as he had friends coming) ...! Co parenting or any contribution to childcare or sharing of care around work commitments.....aargh...I could go on for hours..l

Only 10 years more of this shite....


Sigh

[CrowyMcCrowFace]

Jumping aboard also.

Dc & I now live abroad. They see their father in the school hols (with him atm).

[ThisIsTheRightTime]

On another thread someone described the man who talks about a
"crazy ex " as someone who treated his ex badly and got angry when she tried to stand up for herself.

Absolutely spot on Mrscaindingle.

[CantGetYouOutOfMyHead]

My exH is the 'nice narc' who goes out of his way to show everyone how much he still cares. Wants to show how he is the bigger, more caring person by organising family days that include me, then telling the children how sad he is that I won't play along. Rang up my mother lately to say how he was thinking of her on my dad's anniversary, and WENT TO MASS to pray for him (my dad would have told him to fuck right off if he were alive.) Love-bombs the children with extravagant gifts bought on city breaks with his now-OW. Tells me he is so proud of me for getting my own 'little job'. Bought me concert tickets for two for my birthday, and reassured me that he (they) were going a different night so that I could relax and enjoy it. All him, him, him and his benign goodness despite being a cheating, duplicitous asshat.

[ThisIsTheRightTime]

Whoops, sorry the bold type didn't work out!

[Cocoabutton]

Place - marking. I am too tired at the moment to add my story. to you all.

[ThisIsTheRightTime]

My ex, apart from being a pathological liar and completely weird (breaking into my garage, stealing dirty knickers from the laundry basket, keeping them for a few weeks and putting them back on the bin in the garage, kind of weird) is excellent at saying 'yes, sure' to anything I suggest and having no intention of carrying out my suggestions whatsoever. Even if it is the very best thing for our children. And especially if it involves him paying for anything.

Of course, I survived the nightmarish past year and a half by completely disengaging from him, showing not a smidgen of emotion and by expecting absolutely nothing from him.

[besshope]

Just checking back in to say hello to everyone and my goodness there are quite a few of us. It's comforting to know, although also shocking how many exes like this out there. But strength to us all.
One of my current difficulties is that now everything is getting conveyed via the dcs - where my ex is taking them on holiday, when, where he's moving to etc. Despite my well practised 'smile and nod' dcs are telling me they find this awkward. But if I was to email and say could you just email me this type of info this would cue a massive abusive rant. I just have moments of feeling totally fucked off at years and years of 'sucking it up' and worse, seeing the dcs suffer. While I wish none of us were in this boat, it helps to know about you all.

[CantGetYouOutOfMyHead]

Yes, it's the sucking it up that stinks. Very hard to remain dignified and disengaged when The Rage hits.