support thread for those of us having to 'co-parent' with a narc or very difficult exh

[besshope]

Step this way...
May I start of with a great big ROAR of frustration at having spent many years having to co-parent with someone who (after he left me for OW) has gone out of his way to make my life as difficult as possible. I know there are many of us, so here's a space to share frustrations, tips and experiences.

Can you imagine the look I would get from the hairdresser if I went with her and tried to dictate her hair? 😂

He's a loon.

Purple to me it feels a bit like when you're in a position of trust, e.g. teacher, counsellor etc and you keep things confidential unless you think there is a risk of significant harm and then you have to disclose (paraphrasing but hopefully you know what I mean). You're presented with a desperately unhappy DS who is too anxious to talk to his dad. This means that there is a risk to his wellbeing so you've intervened in an attempt to prevent this by disclosing relevant information. I was going to say and that person you've disclosed to is his other parent etc, but that's falling into the trap of expecting him to behave like a decent parent, so it probably doesn't count here. But still, you've acted in your DS's interests. If ex tells him, do you think you'd be able to have a conversation about why, and explain that it was the only way to get his dad to see how bad his behaviour was?

auser I'm imagining the look you'd get from your 18 year old if you tried to dictate her hair!

So in 18 years he still hasn't worked out this parenting lark. There is no hope

Oh goodness Th Water Torturer (so familiar) as is Mr Sensitive, The Victim and Mr Demanding.

Oh and there's a good dose of Mr Right in there too.

Has anyone done The Freedom Programme?

greencar it was my previous ex who was emotionally abusive to me. When I met ex I, like you, felt I'd forgotten what the normal rules of engagement were. I'd accepted so much crap and been so ground down I was at a loss.

My way of dealing with it was to, mostly, tell him as soon as I felt able that something was wrong. He knew some of what I'd been through, and I told him I'd never risk my mental health again. It meant we had a much more open relationship, were pretty straight with each other, and I'd quickly say if I was annoyed about something.

Can you say to your dp that you just need him to be straight with you. That you can't live with trying to second guess somebody, and that you are already aware that lack of opportunity to be together may be the problem. The word that struck me in your post was that you thought he wasn't "bothered" about making it better. You have a lot to deal with, I think you deserve someone who can be straight with you and who is bothered.

purple I see your dilemma about the screen shots. Hopefully your ex will be too ashamed to tell your ds that he's seen them. They only reflect badly on him, and I doubt he'll use them as a starting point to try and repair things. I think you can only tell your son that you were concerned for him, and that his dad needed to see what his behaviour was doing to him. It's a tough one.

I left my EA relationship 14 years ago. I still found that passage from Lundy Bancroft hard to read today. There are certain threads on here that I have to ignore as I find them too triggering. At least we had no dc to tie our futures together. I desperately hope he never met anybody else after me. I secretly hope something bad befell him, and that the world is rid of him.

I did the freedom programme.

To be honest what helped me most was I don't know. Space. Distance. Less and les interaction.

Doing a degree and having a wonderful lecturer who is now by best friend (waves to friend) who when he attempted to rape me after we had split believed me without question.

Sorry I'm such a waffler and my posts are so long !!! Will try and edit more from now on. Two of my favourite past times : talking and writing. Bet you couldn't guess that?!

Auser : so glad you have such a wonderful friend. What you must have been through is unimaginable. You sound very wise and strong.

Ausernotanumber, thanks. Unfortunately we have a shared care arrangement with our girls, 50:50, the only thing I get out of it is some guarenteed time 'off' I never got this when we were together. I believe he wanted 50:50 so he doesn't have to pay any maintenance. He went to court over every aspect of our separation and will not negotiate about anything. We have a court order which works during term time, but requires negotiation around school holidays, he tries to dictate to me what he wants and if I try to do what I believe is in the girls best interests he either ignores me or accuses me of harassing him. He has reported me to the police on 5 different occassions, they are not interested, but it is exhausting. He has had several women since we split and always introduces the children very quickly, women staying over at his house when the girls are there with a few weeks. My youngest gets into my bed or his bed at night and I find this entirely inappropriate, but there is nothing I can do or say. He is in a love bombing phase with his current gf and they are playing happy families with my girls and her 2 kids. I hate it and know I have to come to terms with it, but I'm finding it very difficult.

nice I don't think your posts are long and waffly, I find them helpful and insightful.

I have tried to say that I just need him to be straight with me, but it may have got lost in the explanation. I'd like to think I deserve someone who can be bothered too, and maybe he is but I can't interpret well after years of gaslighting and never being sure of anything. And if not then I'd like to know so we can draw a line under it and I can move on to a life with no more men in it, ever, because I don't know where you find a good one

mumwith3girls I can't advise as I'm in a similar position with being held to ransom and new women, could have written that word for word but sending you a hand hold, it's horrible and I'm struggling with it and feeling powerless to stop it too

greencar - thank you, you are kind.

Yes, men and the future. I like to think my twat-dar is finely tuned these days, but I don't trust myself. Through work I've bumped into somebody now and again over the last few months. The odd chat, nothing major. We had a long talk last week, just this and that. He seems like a decent guy, has lots of qualities I like, and for once I don't feel like a rescuer! I could possibly pursue things, but already in my mind I'm pushing him away. I don't know what the answer is.

mumwith3girls : in light of your last post I can see my earlier comments were way off the mark. 50:50 makes it a very different set up, and he sounds awful. Presumably the revolving door of gfs is because they rumble him and run a mile.

but I don't trust myself

That's the nail being hit on the head right there, isn't it. It's why I can't work out what, if anything I should do, it's why you're automatically pushing away something that could work (and there I go again, I just thought "maybe that's what I'm doing too" immediately followed by "or maybe I'm just getting sucked in by another one"...FFS!!!)

I don't know what the answer is either but I do know I'm really angry with the men that do this to us, and the society that not only lets them get away with it, but so often supports them.

And I'm not just being kind, I really do think your posts are very helpful and supportive and you speak many wise words, so thank you.

Ugh. My own story very much reflected in what others have described in their own stories.
Ex is very much a narcassist not only 'diagnosed' by myself but by an ex of his who I happen to get along with on the phone and messages. I have never met her but my children have and she loves them and vice versa.

Ex is an alcoholic and apparently 'getting help'. Trouble is I do not know what this help is and I was just sent a typically patronising message saying "alcoholism simply does not go away" and go and look on Al anon Yes, this will keep me safe in the knowledge that you aren't drinking and won't drink whilst you're with the kids. This will make sure you don't act like a complete arsehole in public. Constant questions about what I am doing, how tall my current partner is, what his name is, have I gotten married in secret ?
I am the childish, selfish bitch/whore etc who is keeping the children away from 'Daddy' I am the horrible abusive, again childish one who only wants contact via email because I don't want constant messages and phone calls most of which have naff all to do with seeing the children ffs.
I have been told by the police and social services to go to a solicitor and family court. Why should I?

Nicenewdusters - it is different, but dealing with a narcissist in any situation is a nightmare!

Greencarbluecar - it is horrible, but helpful to kiw we are not alone, as it is very isolating - thanks.

Mumwith3girls. Hugs. Been there got the t shirt.

This week he told me 3 days before he was leaving to go away for a fortnight that he needed me to mind his dog as he couldn't get it into kennels because he hadn't got its jabs up to date and hadn't booked anykennels anyway.

I was apparently most unreasonable to have said no.

Sorry - this year not this week. No idea where week came from my phone clearly hates me

New relationships are so tricky. I'm currently backing away from someone I've been seeing regularly for over 2 months as I have doubts. Partly it's due to the relationship changing to a long-distance relationship, but I'm not confident it's right. It could be me being wrong, or maybe I'll never relax in a relationship again.

Purple I feel guilty telling ex things DD says as he tells her off afterwards, but I need him to know that she can tell people. She doesn't have to keep secrets.

Ausernotanumber - he wanted a dog when I was pregnant with my first daughter. When I was struggling to cope with a puppy and a new baby the health visitor suggested that the dog went to stay with friends or family. He said to the HV 'you can't take away my only source of happiness.' When he left he never mentioned the dog, a few weeks afterwards I told him 'some people think you are a complete sh*t for leaving your wife with 3 young children and a dog'. We ended up having a row. The next day he texted saying 'I have made alternative arrangements for the dog assuming that is acceptable'. No details and not another word. I've been lumbered with his dog and the associated hassle and costs.

I can't believe your ex thinks you are unreasonable for not having his dog! They are so unreasonable, but are masters at making it look like our fault! Hugs

Auser - if my chin hadn't been resting on my arm just now my jaw would have dropped open !! Look after his dog ? Oh you're just so unreasonable to refuse

Sphinx : that's scary, having to allow the dc to be with him when you know he's drinking. I don't know about using the family courts, haven't been down that route. Others here have, and may be able to comment.

Two more examples from friends in recent days of nasty ex's behaviour.

1st. Mutual split, he quickly found gf. She's tried all the usual things to keep contact between ex and dc. He now sees dc once a fortnight, (lives about 10 minutes away) never phones in between, occasionally pays derisory amount of maintenance. Has replaced her name on the phone with the c word. He gives the dc this phone to call her when necessary.

2nd. Ex's weekend. Dc usually dropped home in the evening. Early this morning uses pathetic pretext to stop by at family home. Once there drops off one dc who has an activity. Says the other one doesn't want to do anything with him, so might as well come home. Watches activity for an hour or so, bogs off. Cue my friend, raging, all her plans scuppered.

Does anybody know anyone who has a decent ex? I'm not sure I do. Going to eat a doughnut, with force.

Goodness, I just don't know how to handle ex. DC so young and I want to know what ex does when he sees DC. He doesn't understand understand likes etc. Yet he does not want to tell me.

DC also says doesn't want to go....

Wow that was so bloody accurate Auser My ex would claim that he never abused me because he didn't beat me - point blank denies that psychological and emotional abuse is a thing. And says that all the times he pushed me to the floor and covered my mouth so I couldn't scream was because I was just so unreasonable and out of control. The water torturer thing would make me so angry and then afterwards I felt it was my fault. Even after I realised he was abusing me I still felt like it was my fault and I was just a bad trigger for him.

Hello, I haven't read the whole thread, I just found it. Will read it at some point to gather your tips and know you all. I'd like to join you please.

My STBXH is a narc. Text book one. Don't know how I never saw it.

It's been 3 months and it's sheer hell.

Hope your all doing ok tonight for everyone!

Oh my, the water torturer....