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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

support thread for those of us having to 'co-parent' with a narc or very difficult exh

992 replies

besshope · 03/08/2016 07:58

Step this way...
May I start of with a great big ROAR of frustration at having spent many years having to co-parent with someone who (after he left me for OW) has gone out of his way to make my life as difficult as possible. I know there are many of us, so here's a space to share frustrations, tips and experiences.

OP posts:
Natsku · 17/10/2016 07:37

Hope everyone is doing ok and had better weekends.

DD spoke to her dad a couple of times without too much issues, except she tells me that whenever she asks him if he'll come to a supervised visit so she can see him he just starts ranting about me. She thinks (well, knows!) he doesn't want to see her and its so upsetting for her :(

Ausernotanumber · 17/10/2016 07:39

I still remember the rage. I was the angriest person ever and I would fly off the handle at nothing.

Strangely, now I'm not with him I am the calmest mist chilled person ever.

I also must admit to an exit affair. Emotional then shagged him twice. Was absolutely the right thing for me to do and I have absolutely no guilt over it. It gave me the steprength to leave and made me realise it was him, not me.

Froginapan · 17/10/2016 09:37

Auser

I'm with you there: despite the ongoing abuse via the courts I am in a much calmer and peaceful place now. I'm 'me' again and the parent I want to be 99% of the time. Despite his claims that I just cannot cope with parenthood it's not that that O cannot cope with: it was him and his immaturity, his passive aggression, his rages, his belittling of me, his intolerance of my son, his sense of entitlement, his ledger of normal family stiff that he did that gave him some sort of belief that it could absolve him of any shitty behaviour and have the right to try to silence me from trying to point it out.

nicenewdusters · 17/10/2016 13:19

Hi Gettingscared please do join us.

Not a bad weekend thanks Natsku. That's horrible that your dd knows that about her dad already, she's so young.

I don't think anyone (apart from your ex of course!) would blame you for your exit affair. Nice to know you could still make that connection with somebody.

My dc came home last night having spent the day with ex and his family. I say family, more like bunch of people who happened to grow up in the same house!! No dramas, I asked virtually nothing about the details of the day, can't bear to know. But for some reason was irrationally out of sorts about the whole thing. I was tetchy and bedtime was a bit fraught. Feel bad about it today, but guess that's just the way it goes sometimes.

momv2 · 17/10/2016 19:48

My ex husband is emailing my son's nanny to complain he's not allowed to talk to her ... not that he pays her salary! How low will he go to black mouth me.

PurpleThursday · 17/10/2016 21:05

I feel like that sometimes dusters. I feel quite alone when DCs had 'family' Disney bullshit day then come home to just me. Tired, hassled, cooking/washing/tidying up boring old me. It is irrational on my part I suppose, and I may just be jealous. But I am also anxious that he will get close to that nasty family and then get hurt/let down etc by them as he has before. I know I need to stand back but it is so hard knowing he is entering an utterly dysfunctional and highly narc setting. It's like a beautiful little lamb to the slaughter.

Homely1 · 17/10/2016 21:08

Total with you PurpleThursday. I feel the same.

Does everyone's DC go overnight to ex?

TheFormidableMrsC · 17/10/2016 21:12

Homely1...no mine doesn't. Ex and OW are classic narcs and have made my life a misery for 3 years. I will never trust them with DS. Ever.

Momv2...WTF? The mind boggles.

I have had a hellish couple of weeks with my ex which I will post about later. It's 3 years tomorrow since he left. I will be buying Champagne Prosecco to celebrate.

momv2 · 17/10/2016 21:39

I feel like I'm going to vomit. X is threatening to come to my flat twice a week to see our son because he can't reach him by phone. The man doesn't call our son regularly and it's my problem/fault. I asked X to leave when we separated because he filmed me on his iphone being assaulted and he's nowell threatening to come to my flat! I'm fed up! I thought divorcing him would be enough.

Homely1 · 17/10/2016 21:44

Formidable... how have you avoided it? I have no trust either but in most scenarios, the law allows it.

MomV2.... what a prick. Why do they do this? Isn't tgatvhin intruding into your space?

Homely1 · 17/10/2016 21:44

Sorry that him

TheFormidableMrsC · 17/10/2016 21:44

momv2 Go to the police, they take this sort of thing very seriously...believe me, I've been there...they often threaten this sort of thing but don't actually go through with it. If he does, you don't let him in obviously and you call the police. If the threats continue, he can be dealt with under harassment laws. It's so shit, it really is Flowers

mumwith3girls · 17/10/2016 21:46

I have 50:50 shared care of my girls. He tried to take them off me completely, stating I was mentally ill and unstable, as well as all sorts of other allegations. Despite there being no truth in his lies, the courts will generally grant 50:50 unless there are safeguarding issues. The courts also don't seem to care that he lied and manipulated the truth. I hate that I'm not involved in half of my girls lives, and that he is playing happy families with his new gf. And when they are with me, I'm doing it all on my own, I can't afford to do stuff with them etc etc. Rant over!

TheFormidableMrsC · 17/10/2016 21:48

Homely There is no court order. It's a much longer story. I think he is unlikely to get overnight contact even if we did go to court. His track record is far too serious. He made one application and vacated it after it dawned on him that writing fake support letters using his first wife's name and submitting them to the court might cause him a problem Hmm. He has also assaulted my eldest child (his former step daughter) on several occasions, one pretty seriously, a fact she withheld from me until after he'd gone out of fear. I'll stop there...

Homely1 · 17/10/2016 22:00

Oh my formidable.... I'm so sorry.

mumwith3girls.... 50:50 as he lives nearby?

It's all so hurtful. We do everything and the lying, manipulating scumbugs 'walk free' with no consequence to their actions.

momv2 · 17/10/2016 22:18

Formidable Mrs C, thank you. I've emailed my lawyer and he said before I could not get a restraining order against X because his name is still on land title to my flat. It should be removed in several weeks when the transfer is complete. I paid for the flat but his name was on it so I'm paying him a big lump sum to F.O.! I've told X tonight if he comes to my flat I'm reporting him for harassment. I'm angry, fed up and scared.

Homely my son doesn't stay over at X because he would return home on Sunday noon under fed, over tired and sick with fever of 39C not attended to and bawling his eyes out and angry. Since my son has been staying home every night he's much happier and bounces out of bed on Sunday and X is too lazy to take him to football at 9am so he's not going to fight me. It suits him as he can screw his fling of the day on Saturday night and have a lie in on Sunday morning.

Mumwith3 I'm lucky I see a psychiatrist who knows my X and he wrote a short paragraph saying X's claims I'm mentally unfit are groundless. Therapist said he wished I had divorced X a decade ago but better now than never. As hard as it is, try not to fret about the stuff your 3 do with their dad. Kids don't need expensive outings but time with you even if it's seeing free galleries, doing fun stuff in the park, playing games, baking a cake, etc. Nobody replaces you. Big hug.

Lilacpink40 · 17/10/2016 22:27

Formidable that is awful. I hope you and your DCs are ok now (past the physical abuse in particular as I know narcs continue with EA) and you enjoy the champagne prosecco

My ex tonight made it clear that he thinks I should be grateful for his child support money and I have it easy. Erm...I've always worked, that doesn't count, I do and sort all main childcare incl. all overnights, that doesn't count, I sort homework and DS's SEN help, again why should that concern him.

So I realise he will always be angry with me, whatever good I continue to do. I accept it, as it shows what a vile person he is. He could be happy with OW/GF, but would rather show bitterness towards me.

mumwith3girls · 17/10/2016 22:38

Thanks for the support. Abuse or violence against the children definitely impacts on any court order.

I try not to dwell on what the girls do when they're not with me, but I find it really difficult. And when they are with me I struggle doing it in my own, not just financially, I find it hard to go out and do family stuff on my own with them, but I know I'm not the only one in this boat!

Homely1 · 17/10/2016 22:39

momv2, he did not go to court then?

How did we end up with these vile beings?

nicenewdusters · 17/10/2016 22:41

purple - thanks for making me feel less irrational.

All the posts that followed purples. I'm just at a loss as to the pain you have all been put through. What a strange, unsettling world it must be for these little men to exist in. To have no way to fight off your own fear of annihilation other than to try and wreck the lives of others. I don't know where or when the justice kicks in. I'm going to continue to hope that it does though.

mumwith3girls · 17/10/2016 22:43

He lives 10 miles away - which is in breach of the court order, this stated he should live within 5 miles of their school. He moved 3 weeks after we got the order, but the law doesn't apply to him! Due to the distance from school, he won't let them attend clubs after school or the ones they used to do in the evening when they were with me!

momv2 · 17/10/2016 23:07

Homely we did not go to court as I'm paying the X a large settlement and our 8 year old son's maintenance and school fees for the rest of his life. What does the the X have to complain about? X's divorce lawyer advised him to take me to court at £50k a day to bankrupt me in order to get more money from me. It was a dark few days blubbering on the phone to the Samaritans before I called the X's bluff and said he if he wants to go Armageddon he can explain to our son why he has to change schools and leave his home which I purchased. X refused to pay a penny for the mortgage even though he was on a near 6-figure salary.

Why did we end up with these vile creatures? Child abuse casts a long shadow. I benefited from therapy and saw the light ...

Lilacpink40 · 17/10/2016 23:08

Angry at all these dads that could help in a normal way and don't!

We must take time to pat ourselves on the back for resilience and positive effort Smile

TheFormidableMrsC · 17/10/2016 23:15

momv2 Your lawyer is wrong, you absolutely can get a non-molestation order against him, regardless of the situation with the property, or anything else for that matter. I was advised by the police to do this. I have no idea why your lawyer would say that. It's scary that you've been given that advice! I wouldn't hold back doing it either, it is free for a start and easy and heard very quickly. Also, if you have no order, you are not obliged to allow contact at all if it is not in yuour child's best interests.

momv2 · 17/10/2016 23:30

Formidable is that a non-molestation order against X against my son or me or both? I figured that my lawyer just wants a quiet life.