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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just found out partner has been cheating

261 replies

Standingonmytippytoes · 02/08/2016 18:23

That's it really. We've been together 10 years. The girl in question came around an hour ago to inform me. Apparently according to him because he ended things with her.
I had a long post but I lost it and I say girl because she was 17. Partner is 33.

OP posts:
Original poster
Standingonmytippytoes · 04/08/2016 13:43

Thanks to everyone for saying how strong I'm being it's really helping me keep my strength. I don't feel strong. I just keep thinking about small instances from the last few months that if I'd been less trusting I definitely would of caught on.

Like a long dark hair that was in my bed. I've recently had all my long hair cut off I assumed it had come from the tumble dyer I did think it was slightly darker than my shade. But dismissed it.

The fact he's been keeping his phone very close. But if it went off and I asked who it was he said it was just an app and if I happened to go off and I looked at it it usually was just an app. So dismissed that too.

Been very distant but he suffers from depression so if he's struggling he does get distant. So I dismissed that too.

When I popped into his work for something I used to work with one of the girls there and she looked at me strangely almost as if she felt a bit sorry for me.
I don't know it helps to get this out here. Probably boring everyone now.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 04/08/2016 15:18

It's not boring. If it helps, type away.

KittensandKnitting · 04/08/2016 15:39

You are strong even if you don't realise it Flowers incredibly strong and brave for typing it out here

If it helps then go for it - and for what it is worth I wish I could punch him for you

Goingtobeawesome · 04/08/2016 15:55

There will always be someone to talk to on here and there's a huge amount of support available for as long as you need.

SandyY2K · 04/08/2016 20:15

Talking helps. Keep coming here and let it out.

I've realised over the years that some people are all about themselves.

They are self absorbed.
They lack maturity
They are selfish and they have no respect for anyone including themselves.

It's just sad when you're tied to such a person through sharing children.

You'll recover in time.

YouOKHun · 04/08/2016 21:49

OP, I'm so sorry, what a horrible situation Flowers. You are strong, you have the moral highground and all the power even if it doesn't feel like it. You'll probably find that his colleagues are not at all comfortable with what's gone on so hold your head up high. Everybody who has said 'ignore her' is right but I have to say I would be asking one of my advocates to let her parents know - she does need to feel the full force of disapproval in due course (at 17 she's old enough to learn a big lesson and take some responsibility for her actions), but your main concern is you and your DCs of course. Wishing you and your DCs all the best. Lots of good advice in this thread. Xx

hellsbellsmelons · 05/08/2016 10:49

Keep typing away.
It's great to have an outlet and there's nowhere better than right here.
KOKO!

ConkersDontScareSpiders · 05/08/2016 16:03

How are you doing op?

Original poster
Standingonmytippytoes · 05/08/2016 19:17

Doing grand today. Don't really miss him tbh. Miss him doing bath time though. Grin But I'm too busy to think about it. I did have a moment earlier where I was quite upset but it passed. Just following advice and taking every hour as it comes.

He wants to talk I've no interest in talking. But he's talking the dcs to soft play tomorrow so that'll be nice for them. Ds has been slightly clingy I think he's missing daddy and worried I'm leaving too. But generally the dcs have been great.

OP posts:
notapizzaeater · 05/08/2016 20:35

You're doing fab. Are you eating ok ?

MilesHuntsWig · 05/08/2016 20:50

Wow! That's very impressive. I hope things carry on like this.

happypoobum · 05/08/2016 21:33

Can you drop the DCs to where he is and pick them up again? Otherwise I bet he tries to come in, particularly when he drops them back, offers to do bedtime etc.....

You are doing brilliantly, and you must still be in shock. Flowers

SandyY2K · 05/08/2016 22:04

Stay strong and keep telling yourself you need him like a hole in the head.

You're doing fab.

LindyHemming · 05/08/2016 23:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Standingonmytippytoes · 06/08/2016 08:13

pizza my sisters here and she's been feeding me thanks.
happypoo I think he's just crashing at s work mates place. I wouldn't want to jeopardise him having somewhere to stay right now until he finds something more permanent.

OP posts:
ConkersDontScareSpiders · 06/08/2016 08:55

Thinking of you op-you are doing great

Original poster
Standingonmytippytoes · 06/08/2016 14:28

Thanks for all the support its been great ex came over today to get the dcs I asked him if he had anywhere to live sorted yet. He responded that he doesn't know what's going on with us.

I told him what's going on with us we're over. It was so stressful. His feelings are that we are better together. But I'd never be able to trust him again.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 06/08/2016 14:34

His feelings are that we are better together

He also felt that it was a good idea to stick his dick into a 17 year old while your children were wandering around the house, so I think that you can safely discount anything he "feels".

Bogeyface · 06/08/2016 14:35

Oh and be prepared for him saying that he will have to come back because he cant find anywhere to live.

That is not your problem to deal with, remember that.

AGruffaloCrumble · 06/08/2016 15:07

Echoing what Bogeyface has said. Be prepared for him to try and weasel himself back in. He has made his bed, he needs to accept it.

LindyHemming · 06/08/2016 15:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Standingonmytippytoes · 06/08/2016 16:48

Yeah well we had a chat when the dcs were dropped off. Apparently he's "not giving up* but he's just going to have to. It's really hard because when I'm away from him I'm thinking yes I can do this but when he comes over looking all pathetic telling me how sorry he is and how we can do better I don't know it's hard he's not coming back though. Definitely not!

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 06/08/2016 17:18

The pathetic bit is part of the manipulation.

Just so you are aware, be prepared for.....

looking scruffier and unshaven as if he has just given up looking after himself
crying, especially about not seeing the kids every day etc
charm offensive

When these dont work you will get

threatening to go for custody of the kids
accusing you of ruining the kids childhoods because you wont let him back
threatening to take the house off you
refusing to stump up child support
accusing you of seeing someone else (the irony!)

This list is not exhaustive and I am sure others will be along to add to it, but its best to be aware. Sadly, they think that they are all so original but they really are not, they all follow The Script.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 06/08/2016 19:06

He really is following the script isn't he? Whiny negotiating next, then Anger should be along shortly thereafter.

Am in awe of your decisiveness and strength OP.

Scorbus · 06/08/2016 19:08

Beware of the "illness" that will no doubt follow soon which will necessitate his moving back home because he's "ill".