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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just found out partner has been cheating

261 replies

Standingonmytippytoes · 02/08/2016 18:23

That's it really. We've been together 10 years. The girl in question came around an hour ago to inform me. Apparently according to him because he ended things with her.
I had a long post but I lost it and I say girl because she was 17. Partner is 33.

OP posts:
RedMapleLeaf · 03/08/2016 09:08

(Thank god for a male poster to come on here and tell us all about his fantasies about 17 year old sluts Hmm ).

OP I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with the fallout of your husband's actions. I know that this will be difficult, but surely easier than living with a man who lets his son walk in to his bedroom with a stranger in his mum's place in the bed? What a bastard.

Accept people's help.

SorenLorensonsInvisibleFriend · 03/08/2016 09:14

What a horrible, horrible situation.

I agree with the previous poster who said that bickering about responsibility and the girl and using words like slut - not helpful.

The OP needs support, and practical help. I have two little ones and not much experience with SEN, but am willing to help out if you're anywhere near me (East Sussex).

Take care of yourself
Legal advice
Know that you will endure and your children will be ok because they are safe in your love

Flowers
SorenLorensonsInvisibleFriend · 03/08/2016 09:16

Actually, FoxyLaRoxy's message is perfect, I have nothing more to add to it, just support for OP.

Mrskeats · 03/08/2016 09:19

leef
It doesn't matter how the girl behaved he's a grown up with a family and partner, therefore it doesn't matter if she offered sex on a plate he should have said no.
I also take exception to the word slut. She may be young and naive or more worldly but that's not the point. Men of 33 should have worked out how to say er no thanks I'm attached.
Op you are doing the right thing getting support. The shame is not yours to carry and bringing her into your home was beyond horrible. It will be difficult but as others have said people will help you.

Leefr200 · 03/08/2016 09:30

I agree mrskeats the guy is the absolute idiot for doing this to the op and he should have said no, I've been offered it on a plate many times over the years and always said no and half the time the women haven't cared if I have a wife and kids, but we also don't know about the relationship (not justifying cheating on any level) but in my experience for a guy to cheat it's because he's not happy at home whether it's arguments criticisms lack of sex constant bickering! Remember there's 2 sides to everything! BUT again if I was the op the deed has been done and she either has to end it for good OR work through it together! (Again I've got a couple of friends where there's been cheating they've worked it all out and now they're stronger than ever, well that's how they come across anyway)

BustingOut · 03/08/2016 09:31

You must be devastated OP💐 i agree with everyone else who have stated that you are better off without him. I hope your mum gives him merry hell. Take all offers of help that come your way and hold your head high, you have nothing to be ashamed about

AGruffaloCrumble · 03/08/2016 09:34

OP, I hope you got some sleep last night and it all goes well with his parents today. I wouldn't be able to look him in the eye ever again. What he's done to you and your children is awful. Hopefully they will make him leave the house. Flowers

Original poster
Standingonmytippytoes · 03/08/2016 10:21

I have a previous post about him leaving. I was advised by posters try and make it work. Not knowing what I do now I did I told him let's put the past in the past and move on try to make it work.
He's slept with her since then, in our living room while I was out having a driving lesson.

If he hadn't if he ended it with her at the point we agreed to give another go it's possible I'm slightly glad he didn't though I could of forgiven him it's been a hard year and we've both had alot of stress.
But I can't forgive him now. Not after this.

OP posts:
FreeFromHarm · 03/08/2016 10:36

Hi Op, you are right , his actions have now proved that he cannot be trusted, you have a good family support system behind you, now the initial panic is over and once the dust has settled, you know you can do this.
Such a brave a courageous lady
You can do this.

BarbaraRoberts · 03/08/2016 10:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 03/08/2016 10:47

He sounds like a complete low life who got a kick out of illicit ducking right under your nose

Once this type get a buzz from that they will just continue to seek it

You are doing the right thing to extricate yourself from that kind of chaos

StaleOreo · 03/08/2016 11:05

This is like 1980 all over again. The male is just an 'idiot'. You know, blokey idiotic behaviour. The female is a 'slut'. Hmm It's quite disheartening to read that it's someone from the younger generation using that word. Nothing's changed really, has it?

OP, you can't trust him again. He's repeatedly lied and the disrespect he's shown by fucking his OW in your house is completely unforgiveable.

Original poster
Standingonmytippytoes · 03/08/2016 12:15

Thanks for all your support I think if left to my own devices I'd of allowed him to minimise this but I've told his parents they've disowned him. I'd of preferred if they'd of said he could stay with them but he burned his bridges there long ago.

I've told him if he tries to come back here I'll call the police. His name is on the lease but hopefully the threat will scare him enough.
Dm and dsis is coming to stay with me for a while.

OP posts:
Original poster
Standingonmytippytoes · 03/08/2016 12:16

I've locked all the doors he couldn't find his keys the other day so I'm hoping they're still lost.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 03/08/2016 12:20

Impressive, op Flowers

chewingawasp · 03/08/2016 12:23

Well done for telling close family. It can't have been easy but it will stop him brushing it under the carpet. Best of luck for the future.

Amythest001 · 03/08/2016 12:27

I'm in complete awe of your strength..Flowers

RestlessTraveller · 03/08/2016 12:37

I understand people's outrage but there are a few incorrect things being thrown around on here.

She is over the age of consent and therefore not a minor

Adults can also be victims of grooming

op I can't imagine what this must be like, you are doing amazingly well. Flowers

SandyY2K · 03/08/2016 13:00

I didn't realise this was a repeat offence OP. He's really not worthy of a woman like you, so let him have all the OW he wants, while he is out of your life.

I find it all really disgusting. I'm glad you've told people. Let the shame be solely on his head.

hellsbellsmelons · 03/08/2016 13:20

Well done OP.
You've been so strong so far.
Be ready for the crash.
The worst thing I did was keep my ExH dirty little secret.
The relief when I told people was huge and the support I got, was what I needed far earlier on.
That is always the one thing I advise - tell people in RL get some support around you and you've done just that.

Just take things slowly for now.
Get through one hour at a time.
Cry when you can, away from the DC.
When you feel ready you can get more practical.
Or if you need distractions you can get more practical.

Keep hydrated and keep your sugar levels.
The shock will hit you soon enough and you'll need your strength.
But.... you absolutely WILL get through this.

Doublemint · 03/08/2016 13:29

I'm so in awe of how strong you are being. You are doing so well. You are bloody amazing X

VioletRoller · 03/08/2016 13:39

Xxx

ptumbi · 03/08/2016 14:10
MrsPurchase · 03/08/2016 14:17

This

AnyFucker · 03/08/2016 14:20

Mansplaining bollocks, innit