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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just found out partner has been cheating

261 replies

Standingonmytippytoes · 02/08/2016 18:23

That's it really. We've been together 10 years. The girl in question came around an hour ago to inform me. Apparently according to him because he ended things with her.
I had a long post but I lost it and I say girl because she was 17. Partner is 33.

OP posts:
Original poster
Standingonmytippytoes · 06/08/2016 20:50

Well he won't be making up any illnesses anytime soon dm and dsis are staying for the next month until their new house is available. Doubt he wants the wrath of dm.
Funny you all said about the script because I mentioned I'd seen a place to rent and his response was "it's a shit hole" I said this to mum and she told me "that's him emotionally blackmailing you"
Right now I don't feel strong this thread and my family are the only thing keeping me going.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 06/08/2016 22:31

His feelings are that we are better together.

I bet they are.

You can tell him your feelings are you deserve a man who doesn't cheat and bring his 17 year old sidepiece home to have sex in your bed and show such disrespect to you. So really - we don't always get what we feel we should.

MilesHuntsWig · 07/08/2016 00:54

You're doing amazingly well. Glad you've got some support in RL too. Stay strong!

ConkersDontScareSpiders · 07/08/2016 07:44

Good that you have people around you-exactly what you need at a time like this.

hellsbellsmelons · 08/08/2016 12:18

Your updates have left me speechless!
Better together?????
WTF - he is a cock of the highest order.
Lean on your family.
Don't hold anything back.
They want to help.
Keep going though, you are awesome.
Just remember that!

Original poster
Standingonmytippytoes · 09/08/2016 21:43

I think the grief is kicking in I can't stop crying.

OP posts:
Hubnut · 09/08/2016 22:16

You'll have tough days standing. Remember you are doing really well. Have a cry, try to get some sleep, tomorrow will be better. I'm 4 months down the line and it gets easier x

Original poster
Standingonmytippytoes · 09/08/2016 22:49

Oh god I hope so hubnut I can't help but feel like I'm going to spend the rest of my life alone. Last week I was just powering through getting on with everything but today i feel like shit. Couldn't bring myself to do much.

OP posts:
MilesHuntsWig · 10/08/2016 00:05

You are amazing OP, hang in there. Of course you're grieving, you were with him for a significant portion of your life.

You are well rid... But you will still be sad.

Hope it starts getting better for you soon.

cammyli · 10/08/2016 00:10

Hi Hun, I've been following this post the past couple of days. You've been so strong, If I was you I would of been a raging mess already. But if you need to cry, then cry. What used to help me was writing things down to, almost like writing him a letter but obviously he would never ever read it weather that be giving him shit or pouring your heart out just however you feel. I'm not gonna lie but you are gonna feel pretty shit for a bit, but (and I know it's easy for other people to say it) things WILL get easier, their is someone out there that will absolutely love you and your children, it just takes time. And you'll look back and probably be glad this has all came out when your finally happy again! After a break up I think everyone dreads and thinks their gonna be alone. You won't be. X

ohfourfoxache · 10/08/2016 00:17

Darling this is like bereavement - worse in some ways, easier in others. You need to take your time to mourn - what was had, what has been lost, what was never there in the first place. Of course you're going to be in bits, it's grief Sad

But please remember, no matter how shit you feel, it can't get worse. What you feel now, it's the worst it will get. Everything will get better. And those moment when you think "I can't do this"? Yes, you can. You can do this. You ARE DOING this. So stay your strong and wonderful self and give yourself the time and emotional space you need xx

hellsbellsmelons · 10/08/2016 08:26

It will take time.
You will have massive lows and huge highs.
It's just how it is.
So many of us on here know how you are feeling (in some way) and what you are going through.
It's the shittist time for everyone.
Take it slow.
Lean on friends and family.
Use them when you need to.
Try to keep busy.
I'm so sorry you are going through this.
Just remember - YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS
It just doesn't feel like it right now - but believe us all.
A year from now you will be living your own wonderful life.

ConkersDontScareSpiders · 10/08/2016 10:10

It's a massive emotional roller coaster has op have said. Allow yourself to feel like shit, you are going through a terrible thing. but you will get through this and be the better for it in the end-honestly.

NotQuiteJustYet · 10/08/2016 18:14

How are you doing today OP?

HuskyLover1 · 10/08/2016 18:40

Presuming that all 16 year old's start having sex the moment they turn 16 (they don't), then this girl has been sexually active for around ONE year, whereas your Partner has SEVENTEEN years sexual experience (the entirety of her lifetime) under his belt. I find it highly unlikely, that she was the sexual predator in all of this. FGS, she might even still be at High School.

I have a 17 year old daughter, and all of her friends are aged 17/18. Only 3 of her circle of around 10 friends, has had a boyfriend. The other 7 have not yet had a boyfriend, and would not know how to be sexually aggressive if they had the handbook.

In any case, even if she HAD been the pursuer, he SHOULD HAVE DECLINED, because he has a Partner.

I find it worrying also that you have been together for 10 years and have 2 kids, and he is yet to marry you. Maybe an old fashioned view, but speaks volumes about his commitment to you.

What is also frustrating, is that if you do split, I am sure that you will be left with the lions share of caring for 2 special needs children, whilst he will be free to swagger his stuff with the "laydees". How fucking unfair! Make sure he pays Child Support and has your kids a few nights a week, so that you can get a break, and eventually start dating again.

Believe me, he will regret this one day.

Bogeyface · 10/08/2016 18:54

One thing that I would warn you of is that right now you are at a higher risk of having him back than at any other time. It hurts so bad that you will do almost anything to make it stop. Taking him back does stop it hurting for a while, but then everytime you look at him you will know. You will have picture in your head of them in your bed together. And that will hurt just as bad, every single day for as long as you stay with him.

So please dont do what I did, and go back on the basis that it will make you feel better, because it really really wont Flowers

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 10/08/2016 19:00

I just wanted to add to everyone saying you're doing amazingly. You'll be okay.

Original poster
Standingonmytippytoes · 10/08/2016 22:36

Huskylover I've never been that interested in marriage not to start a debate but it's always been a piece of paper to me.
bogeyface you're so right. It would be so much easier to just take him back. But I've been so crazy today I was paying my phone bill and I have ours under my contract so I snooped in his calls and it said he sent two picture messages to her and I went absolutely mental. Afterwards I just thought u can't live my

OP posts:
Original poster
Standingonmytippytoes · 10/08/2016 22:36
  • life like this.
OP posts:
Original poster
Standingonmytippytoes · 10/08/2016 22:39

Today's been better than yesterday. Thanks for the support it's really helping.

OP posts:
MilesHuntsWig · 11/08/2016 07:11

You're right well done (now get his phone off your contract!).

ConkersDontScareSpiders · 11/08/2016 07:13

It's the drip drip of finding more things (like your phone bill) that can be quite hard I think. I. The other hand it can also serve to strengthen resolve.
What's he saying now in all of this? And how are the kids op?
Glad you are having a better day

Original poster
Standingonmytippytoes · 11/08/2016 07:41

He's saying he didn't send her picture messages and his phones been acting up. -it did also say he was sending messages to himself so perhaps it's true but I believe nothing that comes from his mouth He has arranged to meet her today though "for a chat because she's been harassing me" Why if he's so interested in trying to mask us work is he still trying to keep her sweet that right there just proves what a loon he is.

I know the dcs are suffering he's been over helping with them while I'm at work this week and ds especially will not let him out of his sight.

I'm really struggling to get up for work today though. I'm feeling pretty unwell think maybe the stress is getting to me.

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 11/08/2016 09:38

Is there any way you could talk to your boss and try to take a bit of time off? Might be counterproductive as you might want to stay busy but it could be worth considering?

hellsbellsmelons · 11/08/2016 09:44

I must admit, I didn't take any time off of work.
Purely because, when I was on my own I would just curl up in a ball and sob my heart out. So I had to keep myself busy.
If you need some time out then take it.
This has to be one of the most stressful things a person goes through.
So be kind to yourself and have some time off if you need it.
No doubt your boss will understand.

If you need some extra support or you feel depression kicking in then get to your GP.
I needed sleeping tablets in the end and it helped a lot.

KOKO (keep on keeping on) is the only advice I can give you.
You are doing great.

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