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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just found out partner has been cheating

261 replies

Standingonmytippytoes · 02/08/2016 18:23

That's it really. We've been together 10 years. The girl in question came around an hour ago to inform me. Apparently according to him because he ended things with her.
I had a long post but I lost it and I say girl because she was 17. Partner is 33.

OP posts:
ptumbi · 03/08/2016 14:27

It drives me mad that some neaderthals still believe this - problems in the marriage are caused by the wife!

Not enough sex? her fault, and justifies shagging around (with a 'slut', of course, Angry - another nice bit of misogyny there too Angry)
She 'nags'? Of course it's not that he is a totally useless feckless lump of shite who does noting in the house, she is a 'nag'.

'Bickering'? Her fault, even tho it takes 2 to argue...

In a marriage, a 'man' should have the life of Riley - if he is nor happy - it's her fault. SHE is not doing enough to 'keep' him.

leef you are a woman-hating twat. Have a think about what you are saying.

BarbaraRoberts · 03/08/2016 14:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TwentyCupsOfTea · 03/08/2016 14:32

I'm very sorry this has happened to you.
I was cheated on by an ex with a relative of his so I understand the shame in telling people. I kept his filthy secret for months and felt tainted by it. As soon as you realise you have done nothing wrong here you will see how freeing it is to be able to confide in and be supported by your loved ones.

Sometimes when someone does something so terrible it actually makes it easier to leave them. You will be able to stay stronger if he comes crawling back because what he has done can not be forgiven.

MumOfTwoMasterOfNone · 03/08/2016 14:37

OP hope you're ok. It's awful finding out you've been cheated on. I can't imagine it in your situation. I send Wineand Cake by the bucket load. What a shit!

ayeokthen · 03/08/2016 14:41

Leef I have no words for how offensive your comment was. Nobody is "happy" all the time, there are times when relationships are tough and you need to work at them. There are times when bickering and arguments means no sex. That's when decent people realise there is a problem and try like adults to work it out, either fix it or separate. NOT take it as free rein to commit an absolutely horrendous betrayal, in your wife's bed with her kids in the house! Nothing, not a single solitary thing you can say will ever make this ok. He should have kept his dick in his pants, that's the fact of the matter. My DP has put up with my mental health problems, various major family problems (both sides), serious illness, lack of sex for months at a time, and you know what he's done? Been there, supported me, had my back the entire time. Which is what OP deserves, not this!

AnyFucker · 03/08/2016 15:55

By your definition leef quite a few of us wimmin "have a problem with men"

Or yunno, perhaps it's youthat is the problem

Goingtobeawesome · 03/08/2016 16:07

OP, I'm so sorry you've had this horror inflicted on you. I think you'll be fine and so will your children as you are strong.

SandyY2K · 03/08/2016 18:21

for a guy to cheat it's because he's not happy at home whether it's arguments criticisms lack of sex constant bickering!

Your experience is very limited then and I say this as someone who supports couples with relationship issues.

Many men and women cheat in happy marriages and they admit as much.

A decent self respecting person leaves before they cheat. It's simple selfish and entitled thinking that causes it.

BastardGoDarkly · 03/08/2016 19:03

Blimey op, really well done on the steps you've taken.

I'm so so glad you'll have your mum and sister there with you too.

Keep going, you're doing brilliantly Flowers

Leef does your wife know you'll have an affair if she doesn't cough up sex as you require?

AnyFucker · 03/08/2016 19:04

Leef's wife joins him in his misogyny so I am sure she would blame the sluts if he did shag one of them

Leefr200 · 03/08/2016 19:13

Wow you lot really hate men lol!

Talk about taking my comments well out of context! I'm not blaming a woman or the op for the breakdown of their marriage I think both sexes can be equally damaging to their relationships

I see this in every thread lot of man hating going on! And I don't hate women I love them most of my friends are female due to my work environment

Bogeyface · 03/08/2016 19:15

Wow you lot really hate men lol!

No, just you.

ayeokthen · 03/08/2016 19:19

Wow you lot really hate men lol

No, I love my man to bits, he's hardworking, supportive, loving, decent, funny, faithful, an amazing father and partner and doesn't objectify women or treat them like shit. My dad is pretty awesome too, along with all the men who don't treat women like shit or blame them when men do treat them badly. So no, I don't hate men. I do however, think you're a misogynist.

Leefr200 · 03/08/2016 19:19

Thanks! Not even done owt apart from five an opinion yet you judge me for that! Wow!

Op it's simple if you love him and can forgive then maybe couples counciling will help if that's it the trust has gone the relationships dead then just split as for the girl wanting to compare notes she sounds very immature! Good luck for the future and hope you do whatever is right for you

ayeokthen · 03/08/2016 19:20

Can you not see that your opinion was victim blaming? Honestly?

ohfourfoxache · 03/08/2016 19:23

Christ Op Sad

You are absolutely amazing and your strength is inspiring. You won't feel it at the moment, but you will look back on this and realise just how well you've done even in one day.

Stay strong, it is one of your biggest assets xx

Leefr200 · 03/08/2016 19:23

You couldn't be more wrong if you tried!

I'm a great husband a great father work every hour god sends to put a roof over our heads wife says I'm very funny and I will do anything for anyone! I'm a pretty amazing guy tbh!

BUT I have a right to an opinion and personally I think this guy is in the wrong there is no excusing what he's done!!! This woman if she has pursued him is also in the wrong if she knows he's married and to me I think that's abit slutty! I'm entitled to say that! Now excuse me while I go let my wife out of her cage so she can make me a cuppa

(Please tell me you don't think I'm serious with that last line)

Leefr200 · 03/08/2016 19:25

I'm not blaming the op! But I bet if you asked the guy why he did it he has his reasons (not that it's justifiable or right)

AnyFucker · 03/08/2016 19:27

I'm not racist, I like Indian food

and other shit

AnyFucker · 03/08/2016 19:28

I bet there's some sluts at your work environment, leef

FoxyLaRoxy · 03/08/2016 19:31

Come on people. This isn't fair to the op. She is looking for help, support and advice and you are highjacking her thread and possibly making her feel worse.

I'm sorry Op.
Flowers

dustarr73 · 03/08/2016 19:34

Anyfucker thats an awful thing to say.He never said that.Plus he is entitled to his opinion,whether you agree with it or not.

AnyFucker · 03/08/2016 19:35

I think leaving attitudes like leef's to stand unchallenged are far more damaging to the op than putting a mansplainy bloke in his place

op is doing great, she has her head screwed on right

ohfourfoxache · 03/08/2016 19:36

Jesus people, pack it the fuck in. There is a time and a place for heated debate; the middle of a thread where someone needs support ain't it Angry

AnyFucker · 03/08/2016 19:36

dustarr, I don't have the magic red delete button

his opinions are still there, he still gets to air them

and so do I