Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just found out partner has been cheating

261 replies

Standingonmytippytoes · 02/08/2016 18:23

That's it really. We've been together 10 years. The girl in question came around an hour ago to inform me. Apparently according to him because he ended things with her.
I had a long post but I lost it and I say girl because she was 17. Partner is 33.

OP posts:
christmaswreaths · 02/08/2016 23:08

I agree about self respect, but surely a 17 year old is more naive or vulnerable than say a 33 year old and can be taken in more easily. That is what I was trying to say, but I am clearly in the minority.

Original poster
Standingonmytippytoes · 02/08/2016 23:08

No I believe she came onto him at the start when he was being honest about her "stalking" him he told me and a work mate of his who witnessed it told me she was very forceful in making the fact she wanted him known. She didn't care about his family and just wanted no strings sex. I feel like everytime I was in his work with him they all knew about her and were talking about it behind my back.

I just feel like such a fool. He goes to the gym regularly this was obviously an excuse to see her.
We've had a rough few months and now I see why. I asked him to leave I think he told her he was moving out and she invisioned them living together as a happy little family. When he then told her it wasn't happening and he was staying with me is when it got to this point.

He's a fucking idiot who's thrown it all down the drain. He's leaving tomorrow and I'll be speaking to goods parents so they know how shit he really is.

OP posts:
Leefr200 · 02/08/2016 23:08

woah anyfucker!

i wasn't been funny! all i was getting across is i don't like the term grooming i know how SOME women have acted at 17, this in no way excuses what he's done, i think he's a fucking idiot! i don't agree with cheating on any level but to say he's probably groomed her was wrong thats all!

as i said i feel for the op its something id never want to go through

AtSea1979 · 02/08/2016 23:14

I know parenting must seem really scary right now but detaching your relationship with him isn't about him suddenly not being a parent. He is still DC parent (a shit one obviously) but you can still make the split work where you don't feel alone in parenting your DC.

ayeokthen · 02/08/2016 23:17

OP, please don't feel foolish you couldn't have known. None of this is your fault, you and your kids didn't deserve any of this. I know it all feels very scary and intimidating just now, but you will get through this, you and your kids. You're stronger than you think, we all are when the shit hits the fan. Do you have support locally? Friends/family? I'd cut off all contact with her, and him for your own sake, not theirs. Could you organise contact through his parents? Now is about you and your little ones, how you move forward and what you need.

ayeokthen · 02/08/2016 23:18

Can I clarify I wasn't defending or justifying his actions either. OP and her kids are the victims in this, not either of the two who caused all this pain.

Original poster
Standingonmytippytoes · 02/08/2016 23:28

I just don't feel like I can tell anyone right now that as soon as I do the shit will hit the fan. I don't really have any close close friends either haven't really had time to cultivate friendships since the dcs. My dm will be back from holiday soon though.

"d"ps family will never forgive him for this. Although it's not my problem I don't want to be the one to tell them. But I know he won't if he can help it.

OP posts:
ayeokthen · 02/08/2016 23:31

It sounds like his family will be a good source of support to you and DCs, like they'll want to be there for you all. Have you got any support through the kids services? Local support groups etc?

Flumpsnlumpsnstuff · 02/08/2016 23:33

Op block her. She isn't your problem so put her out of your mind as much as you can, deal with the shit storm your DH has brought home. One thing at a time, I agree with others he needs to leave to give you space but you also need rl help and support.
If you decide it's over and right now that's how you do feel I imagine do it as slowly as you need to. If in 6 months he has worked his Arse off to prove this was a complete fuck up never to be repeated and you decide to try again. Fine
The thing is only you will know what's right for you and when it's right. At this moment you just need to cry/scream/let it out and make sure he knows it is ALL his fault
Your world will change but in the end it may not be a bad change only time will tell FlowersChocolate hth

AnyFucker · 02/08/2016 23:34

I don't recommend you keep his grubby little secrets for him, op

I'd be singing like a canary. You have nothing to be ashamed of...the shame is all his

chewingawasp · 02/08/2016 23:36

I wouldn't hesitate to tell his family that he shagged a 17 year old in your bed when the children were about. He obviously wasn't fussed that your non-verbal ds saw him with her was he? I hope you can move on to a happier future without him Flowers

AnyFucker · 02/08/2016 23:38

I see from another thread you are a bloke, leef

A married man of 17 years, supposedly "mature"

And you call women young enough to be your daughter "sluts"

Yuck

Lilacpink40 · 02/08/2016 23:41

I'd get him to leave. Be as honest in a basic way with DCs, but let the lying twat explain at a later point that he has been naughty / bad.

It's really rubbish, but you'll get through this.

My STBXH went off with OW after Christmas when I found out about affair, but had been with her for months before. He'll always be a lying cheating pig and I'll always be able to look myself in the eye in a mirror. Hopefully you'll feel the same way. His loss Flowers

FellOutOfBed2wice · 02/08/2016 23:47

Ergh what a scumbag. Don't vilify the girl or tell her parents or get embroiled in any of that- just insist he leaves and leaves tonight and never take him back. A man who cheats, scumbag. A man who cheats with what is essentially a kid, double scumbag.... But doing it in your bed too. Beyond the beyonds. Fuck him.

Original poster
Standingonmytippytoes · 02/08/2016 23:48

Oh and I forgot to mention that they had a dirty night away in the city. A night I actively encouraged because he never gets out with his mates much. A night I had to budget for I've struggled financially so he could have a dirty fucking weekend! I'm fuming!

OP posts:
FellOutOfBed2wice · 02/08/2016 23:49

Oh Christ and your fucking kids were in the house to boot? I echo another poster- do tell her parents so that her Dad can do you all a favour and come and break his legs. Absolute cunt.

LellyMcKelly · 02/08/2016 23:55

Park her. She is not your problem. Your problem is your partner. He did not have to do anything he didn't want to do - it doesn't matter if she was 17 or 70. It doesn't matter if she was Kate Moss. She's irrelevant. He chose to cheat on you. He chose to go behind your back and have sex with someone else. He chose to take her into your bed. Dump his sorry ass. He's a cheating loser and doesn't deserve you.

Doinmummy · 02/08/2016 23:55

Bogeyface I don't think I said she was a minor .

Lilacpink40 · 02/08/2016 23:56

Being practical can help before the full shock hits:
You'll need a solicitor at somepoint and this site will help you find ones that support a 'family mediation approach' i.e. less fighting more resolving: solicitors.lawsociety.org.uk/

Tell your DCs schools so they can help them (counselling or at least awareness)

Tell everyone you know - you'll be surprised how many people will help if you talk

Vent on here, lots of people have and are going through it and will emphathise.

If you need to have a period of stopping everything non-essential do it. I had counselling for weeks and went on antidepressants, but now find exercise, seeing friends and self-help books are useful. Do what you need to do to carry on.

SandyY2K · 02/08/2016 23:59

You splitting up doesn't absolve him of parental duties. You need to look at having scheduled visitation, so he does his share and you don't get run ragged.

My DD is 16.
She knows that going with someone else's BF is wrong. My 14 year old knows it's wrong. No need to make excuses for this girl, unless she has a low mental age.
This girl hasn't been groomed and is no shrinking violet.

From what your partner described, she's not innocent and telling her parents would be pointless, because with her behaviour I dread to think what her parents are like.

If my DD ever ended up with a MM, she certainly wouldn't go telling his wife for fear it would get back to her dad and I. The fact that she is doing this says a lot about her upbringing. She's way to brazen.

Your partner or STBXP, is the more mature one and should have known better than this. I'll be honest the thought of my DD when she's 17 with a 33 year old disgusts me, even if he was single. Him being in a relationship just makes it that extra bit disgusting.

DailyMailResearcher · 02/08/2016 23:59

Really sorry to hear this OP. Deffo tell his family so they can support you, you need to talk to someone about it. Really angry on your behalf. How dare he do that with his children in the house, how dare he do it all.

WombOfOnesOwn · 03/08/2016 00:05

I was groomed at 15 by a man with a wife and two SN daughters.

When I told his wife what was going on, she refused to believe me, and he went on to abuse a string of women. Thank you for believing her. Thank you for following through on leaving this man, and please publicize what he has done so he can't be around more vulnerable girls. I would guess his stories of how she seduced him are very convenient and very false.

AnyFucker · 03/08/2016 00:06

Always, always...the female sluts behaviour is found wanting. Almost not one post goes by without a variation on well he was bad but she was x, y, z....

If she had pulled her knickers down and straddled him on the doorstep, this 33yo did not have a gun to his head and it wasn't obligatory that he penetrate her

Unless we think he "couldn't help it" or that he might as well since it was "on a plate"

Bogeyface · 03/08/2016 00:09

*DoinItFine Tue 02-Aug-16 22:07:30

Why would your relationship ending mean his children woukd have to do without him?

He's been shagging a minor in your bed while your children are in the house.

Doinmummy · 03/08/2016 00:14

oops wrong Doin seems like there's two of us . I'm Doinmummy not Doinfine