Daughter returning to abusive ex. Advice please!

[punchintheguts]

24 yrs ago my dd married a narcissistic abuser.dd was first attacked on honeymoon, and went downhill from there.
*he refused to work, my dd was breadwinner.
*he had numerous affairs which he threw in her face, even one with a family member. he completely isolated dd, only "allowing" her to mix with his parents.
*he tormented me for money.
*dd arrived crying, saying her said he would kill her if she left him, which was what she wanted to do, just 4 years into the marriage.

• then he told me in person he would kill dd if she ever left him. *he deleted phone messages/emails/texts from me, isolating her further. *She lost her legal career due to his financial abuse. *I made a 4 page statement to the domestic violence unit, but when they contacted dd, she said she was "okay"(then proceeded to become angry with me for reporting it) *then they emigrated abroad, him on a work visa as dd was in the middle of a bankruptcy" *his "work" lasted just one week, my dd was reduced to being an illegal cleaner to get by to support the "family" home and children. *he eventually threw dd out by the throat (her ds tried to protect her but took a beating himself)and moved his new GF in. *dd rang me in desperation, I immediately went to support her, paid the deposit for a home for her and the children.(needless to say he paid not one penny in support/maintenance) *eventually dd managed to establish a successful business and support herself and the children. *we secured her house with locks and chains on doors as he was still threatening her for money and turning up with new gf.. *eventually it all became to much for dd, and she took the children, left her house and came back to the uk, and "hid" in a rented house where she thought she would be safe. *he would constantly ring me threatening to kill dd, but my GD heard him, contacted him on facebook to "leave nan alone ".he laughed at her, told her in writing he would come to her place of work and give her a good hiding, and to mind her own business. *he found her in the rented house, attacked her sibling who was trying to support her. *eventually she returned back abroad , and life carried on. he followed her, but was eventually deported back to the uk, and there was peace for dd. *he financially abused a widow he found on a dating site, she found my number on his phone and rang me in a terrified state. *he then managed to convince his ex gf to marry him and went back to the country, and the abuse began for my dd. *my dd/me and the children lived in fear of his next move, but dd did her best, supported the family home and children. *eventually dd met a lovely divorced man, who adores her. he is the totally opposite of her monstrous abusive ex. *I had a police marker on my home, I was terrified he would turn up and cause turmoil. *through the middle of this I suffered a stroke, the constant worry and fear of what would happen next. *he has a son by his first marriage who is virtually nc with him. his father died recently, his dm is elderly, basically he is alone now. *his dsis in nc, she suffered for years at his hands. *he has a gf of 3 years. why am I explaining what He is doing?

I was so happy last night .She told me she was returning to the uk after all the years away

I am in my mid 70's now, and miss her and the grandchildren so much.
Then she dropped the bombshell.
SHE IS COMING BACK TO THE UK, TO BE WITH THE EX HUSBAND TO LIVE TOGETHER AS A FAMILY.
I felt my stomach in the old familiar churning.
I told her she is going back in the lions den.
A leopard doesn't change it's spots.
Why, after the years of misery, fear, and turmoil?
She "explained" that even though her partner, who would "do anything for her", the adult children won't have the same relationship with him as they would with their real(abusive dangerous) father.
I tried to remind her about the cunning/manipulative devious violent verbal and physical events over the last two decades, but her reply was
"He Has Changed Mum".
I said even though he tried to destroy our relationship he never managed to completely break it, but be sure I don't ever want any contact with him again.
She said it will be lovely to have Christmas's together as a family.
I replied "count me out" I can't go through the disastrous events again.
She replied, if it all starts up again she will leave straightaway.

Am I wrong?
Forgive and forget?
I can't do that.
advice please.

You are definitely not making a mountain out of a molehill.

You need quiet, calm and not this awful abuse.

Enjoy the good weather (you have good weather there?) and the people who genuinely love you and show it by actions rather than words.

thank everyone for their replies.
I know I am doing the right thing by refusing to see my dd.

I am building up my strength for next treatment.

but, this is eating me up inside, if I allow it to come into my thoughts.
I think perhaps if we saw dd and spoke to her face it could be resolve, but realistically I know dd will not "change"

so I must "brainwash" myself again, and work on myself.
yes it is glorious here a walk along the beach is on the cards.

going round in circles today, despite the lovely sunshine, the trauma is still in the back of my mind.

I am thinking/wondering would this bring me closure?

if we met dd face to face, to explain how we feel about the whole cycle of events, for her to understand how her abusive behaviour over decades has affected us to the extent it has.

maybe in her mind the abuse we endured via her latest abuser, "wasn't anything to do with her", despite the fact it was her who brought a virtual stranger into our home.
(even though she stormed off with him, leaving me completely distraught after the oncology appointment which diagnosed the cancer had spread)

dh said it would be a waste of time a face to face discussion, and the only thing it would achieve is that we would relive everything from the past.
I completely agree with him, yet half of me needs this face to face talk, just for closure before my treatment begins again.

I have kind caring people in my life, who genuinely care for me, so why do I need someone who has repeatedly bullied and manipulated me?
she isn't going to "change" overnight or have a divine moment is she?

No my love she is not. I am sorry. May be write everything you are feeling down in a letter to her. Do not send it because she will just justify her actions. Burn or bury it and then let it go. Now is the time for you to be "selfish". You must think of you now.

You won't get closure, it will just keep the wounds open. Have you had counselling about this? You need to detach and accept that this is who she is. Can your DS go no contact with her as well? Him passing on messages is not helpful and it's clearly affecting him.

Sorry op.

yes, I must detach from this once and for all.

ds has told her he won't "pass on " any more messages from her, as it is affecting him when he sees how distraught it makes me.

the sad part is that I know that it is causing dd great trauma too, as other family members are appalled at the events she has caused over the years, and don't want contact, so she is basically alone, except for the abuser who she sided with.

heardit she is your daughter. I can't imagine how much pain it must cost you to be in this situation.

But everyone is right. If you do see her face to face, you will get no closure because she is unable to change the pattern of her behaviour. If she says the right things now, then in a year's time the same pattern will begin again and the pain and grief will begin all over again.

The only way I've found to come to some sort of uneasy terms with a suppurating loss like this (parental in my case) is to step back and acknowledge that it hurts like hell, and mentally give it a place but to 1) choose to stay away and 2) learn to live with and around the pain.

It's not what you want, how can anyone bear the messy, unclosed loss of a beloved daughter like this, but it is what it is. If you can, accept it for what it is

I hope you were able to have a good walk today and find some peace.

Dear heardittoday, your pain, anguish and desperation flies out of every post you write! I am so, so sorry you are in this horrendous situation. Please concentrate on your health and on getting stronger and better. Surround yourself with those who love and respect you.

Sadly, your daughter does not respect you - hell, she doesn't even respect herself. If she ends up alone, it is of her own making. You have tried and tried to support her, help her and fix things for her, make life easier for her, and you have endured such hell because of her bizarre decisions. The one day when you needed support and love and kindness around you (your diagnosis at the hospital) she and her ghastly boyfriend were beyond awful to both you and your husband. That really was unforgivable. No! No more! You need to focus on your wellbeing. Your poor husband has also suffered greatly, as has your son, because of her.

I have just finished reading my thread from the beginning, it took so long.

huh, what did I constantly tell dd in august 2016 when she dropped the bombshell that after everything, being away from the ex for years and establishing herself securely?

I reiterated over and over that, "he will never change" .
dd was adamant that he "has changed" .(of course he hadn't)

then I realised I should take my own advice and all of the replies and advice I received..
very rarely do people "change" their basic character, personality or behaviour.
That Also Is True For DD, she is what/how she is, always has been, why would I even think she would be a different person?
it has made me feel so much easier today.

walk on the beach in the sunshine is for me now.

I hope you are gaining strength each day and feeling better in yourself.

I also hope that your DD has had the decency to respect your request to leave you alone. Xx