Daughter returning to abusive ex. Advice please!

[punchintheguts]

24 yrs ago my dd married a narcissistic abuser.dd was first attacked on honeymoon, and went downhill from there.
*he refused to work, my dd was breadwinner.
*he had numerous affairs which he threw in her face, even one with a family member. he completely isolated dd, only "allowing" her to mix with his parents.
*he tormented me for money.
*dd arrived crying, saying her said he would kill her if she left him, which was what she wanted to do, just 4 years into the marriage.

• then he told me in person he would kill dd if she ever left him. *he deleted phone messages/emails/texts from me, isolating her further. *She lost her legal career due to his financial abuse. *I made a 4 page statement to the domestic violence unit, but when they contacted dd, she said she was "okay"(then proceeded to become angry with me for reporting it) *then they emigrated abroad, him on a work visa as dd was in the middle of a bankruptcy" *his "work" lasted just one week, my dd was reduced to being an illegal cleaner to get by to support the "family" home and children. *he eventually threw dd out by the throat (her ds tried to protect her but took a beating himself)and moved his new GF in. *dd rang me in desperation, I immediately went to support her, paid the deposit for a home for her and the children.(needless to say he paid not one penny in support/maintenance) *eventually dd managed to establish a successful business and support herself and the children. *we secured her house with locks and chains on doors as he was still threatening her for money and turning up with new gf.. *eventually it all became to much for dd, and she took the children, left her house and came back to the uk, and "hid" in a rented house where she thought she would be safe. *he would constantly ring me threatening to kill dd, but my GD heard him, contacted him on facebook to "leave nan alone ".he laughed at her, told her in writing he would come to her place of work and give her a good hiding, and to mind her own business. *he found her in the rented house, attacked her sibling who was trying to support her. *eventually she returned back abroad , and life carried on. he followed her, but was eventually deported back to the uk, and there was peace for dd. *he financially abused a widow he found on a dating site, she found my number on his phone and rang me in a terrified state. *he then managed to convince his ex gf to marry him and went back to the country, and the abuse began for my dd. *my dd/me and the children lived in fear of his next move, but dd did her best, supported the family home and children. *eventually dd met a lovely divorced man, who adores her. he is the totally opposite of her monstrous abusive ex. *I had a police marker on my home, I was terrified he would turn up and cause turmoil. *through the middle of this I suffered a stroke, the constant worry and fear of what would happen next. *he has a son by his first marriage who is virtually nc with him. his father died recently, his dm is elderly, basically he is alone now. *his dsis in nc, she suffered for years at his hands. *he has a gf of 3 years. why am I explaining what He is doing?

I was so happy last night .She told me she was returning to the uk after all the years away

I am in my mid 70's now, and miss her and the grandchildren so much.
Then she dropped the bombshell.
SHE IS COMING BACK TO THE UK, TO BE WITH THE EX HUSBAND TO LIVE TOGETHER AS A FAMILY.
I felt my stomach in the old familiar churning.
I told her she is going back in the lions den.
A leopard doesn't change it's spots.
Why, after the years of misery, fear, and turmoil?
She "explained" that even though her partner, who would "do anything for her", the adult children won't have the same relationship with him as they would with their real(abusive dangerous) father.
I tried to remind her about the cunning/manipulative devious violent verbal and physical events over the last two decades, but her reply was
"He Has Changed Mum".
I said even though he tried to destroy our relationship he never managed to completely break it, but be sure I don't ever want any contact with him again.
She said it will be lovely to have Christmas's together as a family.
I replied "count me out" I can't go through the disastrous events again.
She replied, if it all starts up again she will leave straightaway.

Am I wrong?
Forgive and forget?
I can't do that.
advice please.

I've been following your thread for a long time. Just wanted to say, I'm so sorry about your illness and hope you get better.

Life is just so bloody unfair.

Also, I'd keep your daughter out of the equation, she doesn't appear to have anything positive to offer . xxxxx

OP, I had been reading the thread back in July and I am so sorry to hear about your diagnosis and hope you get better soon!

Unfortunately you are in a very tough spot and I am not sure there is any right answer. Chosing between quantity and quality of life is a very delicate and personal election and one you must chose for yourself, but definitely wait for your appointment before making any rash decision, once you know more about your prognosis with the different treatments and your prognosis if you were to stop treatments, making a decision may be easier.

Regarding telling your family, I personally think you should. Obviously you must do what feels right for you but the only "positive" side about a sickness like cancer is the chance it gives to people to prepare and the ability it gives people to say goodbye. Nobody is ever ready to lose a loved one or see them go through something like cancer but I think having the possibility to prepare to what may be coming and having the opportunity to say goodbye is a blessing.
I am not very close to my mother (I live abroad and talk to her and see her very sporadically) and fully NC with my father (an awful man who sounds a lot like your daughter's abusive partner and hasn't been a part of my life since I was a kid) and I would be crushed if my mother had cancer and hid it from me until it was too late. To be honest our relationship is so odd that I have no clue how I would react if it was to happen (nor do I want to find out) and if we would get closer or not because of it but I know I would want to know and I would be absolutely devastated if my mother had purposely chosen to die without reaching out to me and letting me say goodbye.
With my father it's a bit different as I don't feel anything for him at all but I think I still would want to know. I don't know if I would go see him or reach out to him but having the option to visit him and make amends if I wanted to would be nice.

At the end of the day she is your daughter. From your post it is very clear that you love her, sure she is screwing herself over by going back to her abuser but does she really deserve to be prevented from the possibility to say her goodbyes to you ? It seems to me like she loves you very much but is torn with her feelings towards her ex (he has brainwashed her for years and having a father like him I can see how it could mess her up for life), I totally understand your choice to go NC and remove yourself from the situation and stress and think you did very good, but is her very poor taste in men really worth keeping her away from the opportunity to say her goodbyes to you ?

I can see the temptation in order to avoid the stress to have her back in your life but I can't begin to imagine the impact it could have on her if she only finds out when it's too late. So personally I would tell and the rest of the family. Maybe have a relative tell her (once they know) that "you have been diagnosed with cancer a couple of months ago and hadn't told her until know to avoid the stress caused by her life choices but that now it has spread she deserves to know? I would have them add that this time is extremely delicate for you, that you are making a step towards her but that you expect her knowing won't add aditional stress to your life and that she is welcome to visit but should keep all mention of ex partner to herself as you are not willing nor wanting to hear about him.

Would a compromise like this work for you ?

I am not really sure what to advise really as it's such a delicate situation but I think you should reach out to your daughter and let your other relatives know. Cancer is tough and you are going to need all the support you can.

Hopefully the doctors will give you some pretty good options next week and you will come back in a little while to tell us all about how you've kicked cancer's ass, flowers and hugs to you OP, and best of luck!

Life can be so bloody unfair! What does your husband think? Can he shelter ypu from DD?

thank you linning.
I have a very dear sis, I was her guardian when she was growing up.
I have told her, but she isn't handling it well at all.

each time I speak to her she breaks down making me a million times worse, and I can't imagine what dd would be like, as emotionally she is unstable to say the least.

dh is struggling emotionally of course and to add dd into the equation could be disastrous for us both.
I believe she returned abroad in September, with or without the monster I don't know.

ds is coming next week for the weekend, and I may tell him then, but everything has always gone over his head and I don't know how he will react.

(maybe I detest and fear the abuser more than I love my dd?)
food for thought.

I've followed your thread and I am so so sorry you are now going through this.
Do tell your DS.
My dad kept his cancer from us originally and only told us when I just knew something was off.
For us, we have been lucky. He's had 2 types of cancer, one lot 3 times but he has had the all clear for a while now.
I was livid he hadn't told us.
We wanted to be there for him and he is grateful we were once he had told us everything.
Now we are kept fully up to date on things.
It's hard, don't get me wrong but I would much rather know.

For you, the decision for more treatment or not is purely yours.
Wait until your appointment and then decide.
I think, like you say in your thread, that I would probably want quality over quantity.

Life is a pure bitch and I really want to cry for you!

I'm so sorry to read about what a difficult time you have been through and the tough decisions you are having to make. I guess I just wanted to share my experiences over the last year, following my father's cancer diagnosis. I have always been close to my parents and have a good relationship with them, so very different to your dd. However, my dad was a big drinker and spent much of the last decade drinking himself into oblivion and generally pushing us all away. I tried to be there to support my mum and tried to help my dad to break this habit, but the more I wanted to help, the worse it seemed to get. Coming home was so stressful and upsetting as he could be very cruel when drunk, and my mum could barely contain her anger, and would either ignore him or spend her time screaming at him. This meant I started to spend less time with them as I felt so hurt by how they were destroying each other. But with the diagnosis of his terminal cancer, it has brought them and us back together again as a family. Whilst you don't forget, we have all forgiven each other and enjoy each other's company again. We have cried and laughed and as we reach the end, I do feel like this awful diagnosis has somehow helped us as a family too and put things into perspective. I would hate for you and your daughter to miss out on this opportunity to make peace. You can't change the past but sometimes people surprise you when it really counts. And even if she does make it all about her, at least you will know that you tried and you can't have any regrets. But equally if it is too much, then you have every right to ask her to stay away, and most certainly insist that her ex husband is not involved at all. Also make sure you have all your finances and your will in order. Whether you decide to fight or to step back from treatment and enjoy the time you have left, it's so important that you protect the future of your family and that you are in control of your assets and how they are distributed. Good luck with everything. You sound like an incredibly strong woman.

thank you beansbananas,"even if she does make it all about her" is a significant issue I have to deal with.
Emotionally dd has always been fragile.

if I eventually tell my dd, I know she will be on the first plane here, and will have to stay in our house.

it's hard enough hearing my dsis crying each day, ( when I told her she cried "i can't live without you") which caused me so much distress hearing that.

then to to add dd to that scenario it would be so stressful and would put such a massive emotional burden on me and dh.

We are just about keeping going day by day at the moment.
I truly believed that after surgery just before xmas that all would be well, and we,dh any myself, could move on.

I am not concerned that dd's ex would dare to show his face here, although would no doubt see it as a financial opportunity as he emotionally and financially blackmailed us for decades, but that isn't my main issue now.

my darling 2 gd's now in their mid twenties are so loving and kind (even though they aren't aware of the truth yet) compared to my dd they are angels.
I will wait for my ds to come next weekend, and make a decision then.
At least by then I will have a complete prognosis of my future.

^it's hard enough hearing my dsis crying each day, ( when I told her she cried "i can't live without you") which caused me so much distress hearing that.

then to to add dd to that scenario it would be so stressful and would put such a massive emotional burden on me and dh.^

I think you need to not tell them just yet. You need time to adjust, yourself. Maybe give yourself a set period of time - 2 weeks? three? - to simply take things in and to take care of yourself. Then think about them.

I am so sorry to hear of your diagnosis. Every strength

I am so sorry

gah. sorry, did not proof read

op l am sure l read this post last year, l remember as it was so horrific....l am very confused..please clarify?

Dragon girl

You did. The OP is updating under a new user name.

Dear OP

You have been dealing with very stressful situations for many years now.
I am so very sorry to hear that once again, you are in a very difficult position. Life can be very cruel.

There is a lot of support available for people managing a cancer diagnosis - you've spent a long time looking out for everyone, perhaps you could take strength from others now?

Wishing you peace in your life. You genuinely deserve it. X

Just read the thread, I'm so sorry for the trauma you've suffered over the years, and I hope you find a good treatment plan that gives you fantastic quality of life and many decades to look forward to.

I have decided that I will wait until a week Thursday when I have my appointment with the oncology team, then, and only then will I decide what is best all round.

knowing how my dsis has reacted it will be difficult.

Also my other dsis who has suffered for so long with treatments with the same condition I daren't tell her.
I have supported her for so long but it is exhausting me now.
my other dsis hasn't shared history with her, and hasn't the same emotional bond.
feel rough today, my palms are red with blood just below the skin, not sure what to do.
but a day at a time for now.

Good luck for today op x

Good luck OP

Good luck with the hospital appointment. I think you have to tell your DD at some point, but it doesn't have to be right now.

You say you know she'll be on the first plane over here and will have to stay at your house. Why? I see no reason that you have to accept this. It's your house, not hers and I think you need to make your boundaries and needs very clear. No she cannot stay with you. Any visits have to be when you feel strong enough and end when you're tired out (emotionally or physically).

Tell her that you want to focus your energies on being positive and on your health. That any negative and traumatic incidents will impact directly on your health and wellbeing. It's a choice. Ask her if she wants that to happen? Does she want to take that strength away from you? Take away your precious resources that need to be focused on your own health? If she says no then she needs to play by your rules this time, and recognise your limits and needs. And have that choice repeated by the other people around you, who have a role to play in nurturing and helping you. You shouldn't be engaging with any of it unless you specifically want to. Oh and of course if she says no, she wants to have these dramatics at the expense of your health, then I think that's probably all that needs saying.

I do worry that you're so focused on your DD that others will end up not knowing because of your worry about how DD will react. Remember your son and gc are just as important, and will also give you strength and hope and kindness. They are important for you, and it seems a shame not be able to include them.

Good luck with whatever happens

thank you for your suggestions/advice.
yesterday was an awful day, and I was just glad I could hibernate alone with dh!
Once it all becomes clear next week, I have life changing decisions to make.
dd would definitely exhaust me physically and emotionally so I will put that aspect of this away for now.

yes, ds said he is coming the weekend after next, so by then I will have a definite and conclusive prognosis. so I feel I must tell him them.
then heart breaking as it is I will have to tell my 2 loving and beautiful gd's.
I guess I will feel "released" then.

I must face the fact that dd all through her life brought worry/trouble/fear into my life with the manipulation and abuse that I will put her in a separate compartment from the others, sad to say.
warm and calm now, day by day.

just need to vent today, couldn't believe the horrific 96 hours.
As I have been in nc with dd, since last august I was surprised to answer the landline last week and it was dd's partner.

he asked how I was, but for some reason I simply fell to pieces and told him I have cancer.
his immediate reaction was he would come with dd to "support" us.

The cancer at the moment has left me in a vulnerable psychological position.
They both booked flights and turned up, and with dd it was as though the nc had never happened.
within 36 hours dd went into a headspin which ended in crying that dh was only here for the "house and the money", that he should have told her re the cancer before , and much more, so nothing changed there.

sunday they went shopping with dh as I was feeling a bit fragile.
I had an oncology apt booked for Tuesday and one for the surgeon the same day, yesterday .

yesterday an mighty explosion erupted.

we were on our way for the oncology team, not knowing how much the cancer has spread and it was to be explained clearly.
they had previously suggested that there was further cancer in the bowel also the lungs.(needless to say it was a life changing appt for me).

as the partner didn't live in the uk, dh was giving him directions re driving to the hospital.
"turn right" but the partner took the 2nd right (oh how trivial this sounds)
dh said you have gone the wrong way, the partner shouts at him in the car basically it was dh who was wrong despite using the same road for almost 30 years.
the partner went silent for the remaining journey.

sitting waiting to see the oncologist( head almost exploding) the partner
sat next to dd, and I heard him say, quite clearly "i have floored men for less".

lots more so trivial I can't even write at the risk of sounding a lunatic!

we left the apt, apparently the cancer even though still there could respond to chemotherapy.

on the way home the partner suggested stopping off for a drink which I was in the frame of mind for after so much stress over the last few months.

sitting in the small pub, the partner was happy/jovial and so pleasant to dd myself and pub staff, whilst refusing to speak/acknowledge dh.
I was so sad for dh and pleaded for them to talk, with tears falling down my face.
upon that the partner, began shouting at dh that he was a bully and he will never talk to him, instead will "floor" him.

I was in bits, yet dd didn't even attempt to speak to partner to try to ease the situation , it was the last thing I needed..

this was exactly the same situation as dd's 20 years of abuse with her ex.
I asked myself how could history repeat itself again, then re read the earlier thread, dd has chosen the partner who is exactly the same as her ex.
well, we get home, they drive out again to go for a meal, but then return, take their cases and storm out of the house without a word.

dh then said that the previous day the partner had begun to instruct him that he shouldn't give me solids to eat, and I shouldn't drink so much water, and became irate when dh responded that I was following the hospital's instructions.

so, within just 96 hours it has all exploded.
I am not so emotional today, but can't believe this torment was simply over turning right.

Oh my dear god. Dear Iknow.

The heartbreak and the appalling behaviour ... I am so sorry that you have had to go through this ... and now.

I'm sorry to say this but at this point can your husband instruct them not to return? If they have more contact? She is your daughter and you love her, you cannot stop loving her, but this might be the time to lean on your husband and let him be the wall you can be safe behind.

Your daughter takes so much from you and gives nothing in return. Your relationship with her is mirroring her ex; you know there will be no joy or peace in the relationship but you keep going back for more. Let it go, cut the strings for good, take comfort in the time you spend with your lovely grandchildren and enjoy your time with your dh. You don't need all this drama; it won't change. Accept that and cherish the people who genuinely love and care for you. I wish you all the peace in the world. x

well, after last nights horrendous hell, dd sent a text to say she "loves me" and "all will be well".

today I feel as though my post op recovery has been put back after the explosion from the partner.
it is history repeating yet again, with dd walking on eggshells with the new partner , and joining forces against us as she did in the past with the previous ex..
but with the seriousness of my health, this is hardly the time for me to be caught up in abuse.(I was so distressed when dd shouted at me that "dh is only around for the house and money")
we have been together for almost 30 years!
yes, it is appalling selfish behaviour and at such a critical time, that I refuse any further contact.

why is dd so actually stupid and didn't learn a lesson from her previous ex. she takes on the persona of the one she is with.

another appointment tomorrow , then in 2 weeks with the oncology team again.
I must/will let go now.
cancer has put me in such a vulnerable low state .
an earlier reply said DD will probably make it all about her" which is indeed exactly what happened, it only took 96 hours for the explosion.

today I feel as though my post op recovery has been put back after the explosion from the partner

it probably has. You must concentrate on yourself now, iknow. Stress .... well, it puts a strain on your system and extreme emotional abuse like this is highly, highly physically demanding.

why is dd so actually stupid and didn't learn a lesson from her previous ex

after so many years she may have become deeply conditioned to a certain sort of treatment. The highs and lows of abuse and the adrenaline hit, plus highs of the good times, can be addictive. Only she can save herlsef, though help is available if she wants it (and her poor children :s)

But -she- has to look for this help. Also, it has to be external. You cannot provide the help because there is too much past history, and the help needs to come from external professionals who are not personally involved.

I received an email from dd, on the surface it appeared kind.
but, she says " I need my flesh and blood around me".

both dd and her partner are side lining dh out of this, they want full control of me.

they don't recognise the support dh has given me since we first married so many years ago.

they want him out, discarded.

there have been repeated statements about my will/house etc already.

they are afraid I will leave it to either my dh or gd's.

I have some breathing space for a few days as after the violent outburst after the oncology apt, they stormed out taking all luggage with them without a word (with me in bed crying and distressed)

so, next week I am sure it will all begin again before they return to their home country (thank god)

thankfully ds is not caught up in this, he experienced the anger outbursts from dd's partner when he was living abroad with dd for 3 years.

the partner threatened my gs with violence, my ds with violence, it is truly history repeating itself.

in the past dd would repeatedly say, the partner argues and threatens everyone he meets.

we never realised he would be so abusive and threatening, so quickly , at a time so serious ,when all I need is calmness and peace to regain my strength physically and emotionally before having the gruelling chemotherapy.

already I am anxious when the phone rings or the doorbell, in case it is them back.

I was so weak after surgery, dh had to take the top off my egg and soldiers! but I am doing well except for this.
I want to say just go away, but feel I am being cruel to dd, even though she supports the partner 100%.
partner has sold, and is moving back to the uk, which is what dd dearly wants and her way back is totally reliant on this man, hence she supports him in everything he says or does.

how could she watch me crying in extreme distress and heightened anxiety, as the partner threatens dh to "floor him" with me pleading for it to stop?
(huh, we have only met this man once before, and that was 2 years ago yet he has come here, trying to control us)

a stranger causing such intimidation and threats of violence in front of me whilst suffering cancer.
I don't understand.

I want to say just go away, but feel I am being cruel to dd, even though she supports the partner 100%

I am afraid this might seem cruel to you but you are not that different to your daughter. You have spent a lifetime caught up in an abusive relationship, appeasing the abuser, putting the abuser's interests above your own, accepting their cruelty even though it really makes sense to walk away Her abusers have been two men. Yours has been your daughter.

If you want to understand why your daughter accepts abuse, it is for the same reason you accept abuse from her. Belief that she will change, that she will see things differently, that she will help a light bulb aha moment that she has been reading you badly.

None of this is ever going to happen. You are also in a sunk costs fallacy, you think that there will be some turn around in your daughter that will make all the past misery worth it. And you reply believe that your illness will make her see the light. I am sorry to say that it won't.

You have given far more to your daughter than is normal, just as she has given more than is normal to those two awful men.

I wish you the best in your health and recovery, but you are making things harder for yourself by simply not drawing a line in the sand and saying enough. You need to go completely no contact. The cost is too high otherwise.