Daughter returning to abusive ex. Advice please!

[punchintheguts]

24 yrs ago my dd married a narcissistic abuser.dd was first attacked on honeymoon, and went downhill from there.
*he refused to work, my dd was breadwinner.
*he had numerous affairs which he threw in her face, even one with a family member. he completely isolated dd, only "allowing" her to mix with his parents.
*he tormented me for money.
*dd arrived crying, saying her said he would kill her if she left him, which was what she wanted to do, just 4 years into the marriage.

• then he told me in person he would kill dd if she ever left him. *he deleted phone messages/emails/texts from me, isolating her further. *She lost her legal career due to his financial abuse. *I made a 4 page statement to the domestic violence unit, but when they contacted dd, she said she was "okay"(then proceeded to become angry with me for reporting it) *then they emigrated abroad, him on a work visa as dd was in the middle of a bankruptcy" *his "work" lasted just one week, my dd was reduced to being an illegal cleaner to get by to support the "family" home and children. *he eventually threw dd out by the throat (her ds tried to protect her but took a beating himself)and moved his new GF in. *dd rang me in desperation, I immediately went to support her, paid the deposit for a home for her and the children.(needless to say he paid not one penny in support/maintenance) *eventually dd managed to establish a successful business and support herself and the children. *we secured her house with locks and chains on doors as he was still threatening her for money and turning up with new gf.. *eventually it all became to much for dd, and she took the children, left her house and came back to the uk, and "hid" in a rented house where she thought she would be safe. *he would constantly ring me threatening to kill dd, but my GD heard him, contacted him on facebook to "leave nan alone ".he laughed at her, told her in writing he would come to her place of work and give her a good hiding, and to mind her own business. *he found her in the rented house, attacked her sibling who was trying to support her. *eventually she returned back abroad , and life carried on. he followed her, but was eventually deported back to the uk, and there was peace for dd. *he financially abused a widow he found on a dating site, she found my number on his phone and rang me in a terrified state. *he then managed to convince his ex gf to marry him and went back to the country, and the abuse began for my dd. *my dd/me and the children lived in fear of his next move, but dd did her best, supported the family home and children. *eventually dd met a lovely divorced man, who adores her. he is the totally opposite of her monstrous abusive ex. *I had a police marker on my home, I was terrified he would turn up and cause turmoil. *through the middle of this I suffered a stroke, the constant worry and fear of what would happen next. *he has a son by his first marriage who is virtually nc with him. his father died recently, his dm is elderly, basically he is alone now. *his dsis in nc, she suffered for years at his hands. *he has a gf of 3 years. why am I explaining what He is doing?

I was so happy last night .She told me she was returning to the uk after all the years away

I am in my mid 70's now, and miss her and the grandchildren so much.
Then she dropped the bombshell.
SHE IS COMING BACK TO THE UK, TO BE WITH THE EX HUSBAND TO LIVE TOGETHER AS A FAMILY.
I felt my stomach in the old familiar churning.
I told her she is going back in the lions den.
A leopard doesn't change it's spots.
Why, after the years of misery, fear, and turmoil?
She "explained" that even though her partner, who would "do anything for her", the adult children won't have the same relationship with him as they would with their real(abusive dangerous) father.
I tried to remind her about the cunning/manipulative devious violent verbal and physical events over the last two decades, but her reply was
"He Has Changed Mum".
I said even though he tried to destroy our relationship he never managed to completely break it, but be sure I don't ever want any contact with him again.
She said it will be lovely to have Christmas's together as a family.
I replied "count me out" I can't go through the disastrous events again.
She replied, if it all starts up again she will leave straightaway.

Am I wrong?
Forgive and forget?
I can't do that.
advice please.

yes, you are right.

I was hoping against hope that at the last minute dd would finally see what she was doing and put a stop to it.
but it is not to be.

being told that the "role of a parent is to guide and support their children in the choices they make" says it all really .
(she truly believed that we would say oh, that's okay, it is in the past, lets forget the abuse etc)

dd says "she has chosen forgiveness and family life, while I chose hate and fear"

So, today is the day she is returning to the uk.
X will be jubilant that he is in control again after all these years .

So, today is the day I Will Let It Go.

I have 4 separate big birthday celebrations beginning sunday , despite this latest turmoil I will enjoy them.

I won't allow my dd's "birthday surprise" ruin anything.

It's a strange feeling, but once I know she is on the plane to her "new life" this afternoon, I will able to put into it's own compartment and finally lock the door.

i have support and understanding around me in my life, but reading the replies from so many on here, reinforces how dreadful the abusive events have been .

Of course it is only the tip of the iceberg, so much more.

I began to imagine that i have been over reacting, and dd is right, forgiveness etc , but NO NO NO.
i'm done now.

But

nicenwewdusters, i understand what you are saying.

by maintaining nc, i am preventing myself from any future dramas/hysterics/abuse and so on.

I can't prevent the ones that have happened, but can prevent any more intruding on my peaceful life.

yes, it will slowly fade, similar to a bereavement of a loved one, i must take each sunny day as it comes.

You need to block her from both your phones and E mail, as she has thrown all this at you at the last minute so you are thrown.

Can't you see she making this time all about HER, when you should be celebrating your birthday surrounded by people love you, instead these last few week you have been having to deal HER life choices again.

You need to put her way down on your list of concerns, like she has you.

I hope you can enjoy your birthday celebration over this weekend. But be prepared for her to try to cause even more trouble, even try to bring her partner/ex along with her.

My DH and his siblings have been NC with their other sibling for many years. It takes a while to change your mindset to ignoring someone completely but after a few months it really does get easier. They haven't spoken or had any contact for 25 years even when one of their parents died.

Is it possible to get someone like your DS to tell DD to stay away from your birthday celebrations? If you see her it will be too easy to speak to her and for your resolve to weaken. You need to make it clear that you want nothing at all to do with her and that family members can either see you or her but not both at the same time. If anyone tries to discuss her with you just say 'I don't want to talk about it' which is what she always said to you, isn't it? You have to accept that this may be the situation for the rest of your life.

As others have said block her from your phones, email and if she turns up unannounced at your home just shut the the door in her face.

Change your will and also make sure that your DS and his family have power of attorney etc as you don't want her or that scum choosing your nursing home or being able to not resuscitate or switch off life support.

Even if this man leaves again (which he will) you can't trust your DD to make good choices and to put your needs or wellbeing before her selfishness. Start to protect yourself legally, financially and emotionally.

Oh goodness op, I am so sorry this is happening to you and your dd.

I agree with your decision to go no contact with your Dd, you cannot let that man back into your life or your families' life.

I would contact dd's children and make it clear you will always be there for them and then change your email address and phone numbers. Walk away op for your own sanity. for you. x

I understand why you are thinking this.

Every moment before she steps on that plane and the door closes you are hoping with all your heart she will wake up, go OMG what was I thinking and come back to you.

Horrible as it sounds treat that closing of the plane door as the last nail in the coffin. The DD you love and cherish is dead. Bury her, mourn her and move on for the best life you can.

paddypants,
as history repeats itself, so does the next generation whether by genetics of nurture.
sadly my gs is in the image of his father.

6ft tall, intimidating, shouts right in dd's face, this he learned from his childhood.
my ds told me how gs bully's dd shouting her down into submission.

so no point in saying i am "here for you" as he is his fathers's son.

magoria yes exactly that, the closing of the door on the plane is the last nail in the coffin.

but i don't want her to come back to me as such, my biggest fear that once her money is gone, she will be thrown out as the previous patterns of behaviour proved time after time.

my dh is very quiet today.
i am keeping busy but asked him what is wrong?
he said "it will all start up again, i know it will"
i assured him it's over.

he said suppose they turn up here on my birthday?
he is really anxious now.

as pensioners, it is hard to believe how we have been so intimidated , worn down and become afraid of the present and future.

but with my continual resolve we can move forward together.

Even if you too had chosen forgiveness and family life, as your dd claims she has, that would still entitle you to go n c. You could decide to forgive your dd for all that has happened in the past, but unlike her you are not lying to yourself about what the future really holds. You have a family, she must just now step aside to allow you to enjoy it.

So actually your whole past is one of forgiveness, letting go, moving on and trying to maintain a family life. She is the one subjecting herself to a life of hate and fear. She has probably always comforted herself with the fact that her own mother has continued to support her, so things (ie the ex) can't be that bad. But has she ever thought about who comforts you?

My n c situation occasionally erupts and there's some drama, it happened a couple of weeks ago. A friend said to me "when will this ever stop?" I thought it stops now, and have now told those closest to me I never want to discuss the situation again, hear their names etc. I didn't chose for this situation to happen, but I can go forward and live a life without them. Whatever I have to do to banish them from my life/consciousness will be done. I have to continue to take my own advice !

I really hope you enjoy all the celebrations coming up. Of course you will feel your dd's absence. But in reality, the dd that allowed you to have a meaningful relationship probably left a long time ago ?

Hi op, My cousin was in an abusive relationship for years. Her exh's father was abusive to his wife. My cousin's adult son terrifies me. He has always been aggressive and argumentative and I would not be at all surprised to find he is abusive to his partner and daughter.

Luckily my cousin escaped and now has a family with her wonderful dh. She is on good terms with her ex for the sake of their adult children. I don't know how she has the strength to give him the time of day.

Her exh attempted to destroy her relationship and her children's relationship with her family but was unsuccessful thank God.

I wish I had some decent advice to give.

nicenewdusters,
I constantly warned her how dangerous he was/is, "i can handle it" was always the reply.

he has no friends, I never met one person who knew him who had a good word to say about him, ever.

I am taking it hour by hour today, lots of camomile tea tonight, hope tomorrow is a lighter day.
I also have said to those closest to us, I don't want to talk about it again.
emotionally distancing myself from the misery.

I wish I could say something to make this situation better for you op but there are no words to make it better.

Can you and your DH be away from home for your birthday on your own? Go and celebrate with your DS and your friends somewhere that DD can't find you. It sounds like you could do with a change of scenery for a few days.

we are going out for lunch in the day , then on a boat trip along the thames in the evening with our 2 lovely gd's.

ds is still in Canada, but is preparing to come back as soon as possible.

but on the actual day, I shall dread it if the door bell rings and it is dd, though she will be living with x an hours drive away.

once it's 2.30,today, and i know the flight has left, I may even feel a massive sense of relief, that's it's over at last.

my stomach is painful again, anxiety levels sky high.
dd is walking back voluntarily into the lions den, despite all advice.

dh and I have been trying to talk it out of our heads this morning.
suddenly the penny dropped.

early in dd's marriage the x had a full on affair with our daughter-in-law.

dd "forgave" him.

the odd thing is that the son and daughter-in-law emigrated to Canada trying to distance themselves.

But, how much of a coincidence that of all the places in the world, both dd and x moved to within 15 minutes of each other daughter-in-law ?.

x was obviously in daughter-in-laws head.
so, making plans for happy things, time will make it more bearable.

This whole situation is so messed up.

Can you make it known to DD (via other family or friends) that she is to stay away from you on your birthday? Look out of the window before you answer the door and don't open it if it's DD. Call the police if DD or partner create a scene at the door. Don't accept any flower or gift deliveries until you check who sent them. It's difficult but you need to be really tough to remain detached from the madness that your DD brings with her.

In spite of everything you are saying, you're remaining in the same role you've had throughout.

I sympathise, but I also know that you have to work out why you're stuck in this role and then what you need to change to break the pattern of behaviour.

One thing I observe from your posts is that your dd is not in the victim role, although that's the role you are seeing her in, long ago and then now, willingly walking back into a terrible situation.

You want to save her, but she's not acting like a victim that needs or wants to be saved.

She is actively rejecting your help and your opinion that she needs help.

So instead of keeping on attempting to save her and being rebuffed painfully, you need to step back and think about the roles playing out here, and then what role you want to play.

If she's not a victim, & you are not her savior, what is happening?

And how would you behave if someone else was behaving like this to you? Your partner for example? Or a 'friend'?

From your posts I just get the impression that your dd thinks she is 20 years younger. Everything she says about playing happy families at Christmas for the children makes you on the face of it think the dc are 4/5 years old. Not adults themselves living in another country.

You mention that when your dd and her x get together they will be going into property. The X is either really stupid or is about to con your dd out of her money very very quickly. I am into property development/ BTL and even I am not sure which way the property market is heading. And I forecast the recession in the late 80s/early 90s and the one in 2008. With Brexit, the extra stamp and not being able to offset your mortgage against tax etc and potential properties are thin on the ground. Only a fool who knows nothing about property would start a property business in this climate.

Agree with everyone else about the NC.

Block and walk away and change your will. Make sure also to keep an eye on any investments/savings you have because I wouldn't put it past them to try and defraud you and your dh.

I know you are going NC but does the x know this. Maybe he thinks by bringing dd back into his life you too will be in his life to bully also. When he finds out you are not he is going to have no other outlet for his behaviour apart from dd and I wonder how long he will be with her then. Sounds like the x thrives on an audience.

Might be a bit jumbled but I have the rage on your behalf. I hope YSWIM

She has made her choice now you must to. Tell her you love her but that you do not want to see her whilst she remains in a relationship with this 'man'. My daughter has put myself and my family through hell due to her appalling decisions when it comes to men. I came close to having a heart attack due to fear of her last bloke and the agony of being torn away from my beloved GS. However much I love my Dd and DGS I know I simply couldn't take that level of stress or fear again and I would have to terminate the relationship with her if she started a relationship with another bad 'un'. You have had your say but she obviously doesn't want to listen to reason. Step back now and don't be available if she knocks or calls you. If you get caught up in this nightmare again it could be the end of you. Don't let her stupidity ruin your life.

oliversmummy and heyday.
thank you.

yes,i explained that to dd, she is not in her 30's but edging towards 60! but she wouldn't listen.

yes, she said (obviously told x) she will sell her company in Canada, buy property in the uk, and he will "renovate" properties to sell.

the last "family " home dd paid for in Canada, he wanted only his name on the deeds, which after throwing dd out, sold it, kept the profit and took gf on a road trip of Europe until the money ran out, so I can see it happening again.

also the widow he found on the dating website, he tried to bully her into funding a similar thing, but she refused, so it's history repeating constantly.
yes, fortunately dd has no information re my investments that we use to fund our retirement, thank god.
( I learned to protect myself from x many years ago, he was constantly sending dd to me asking/demanding money (well he didn't work so where would he get it from?)
it is possible x isn't aware that we are nc, actually beginning today when she lands at heathrow,
so he might try something over the next week or so.

but as we had a police marker on our house years ago, I will simply call the police.he can't intimidate us again. (though dd went along with x so is as much to blame)
it is likely as he will be jubilant that he has got dd back, he will think he can continue the patterns of abuse.

but he has nothing to emotionally blackmail us about now.
he used not only dd but gc as weapons, in the past, do what I want and you can see them.

but now there is nothing that can be done.
his first pattern is to go to doctors, then, cry, then become angry, then sorry, then flowers, the familiar pattern of behaviour.
I did explain I don't want to see her if she is with x, but she said "i will always be here for you mum"?????????
huh, agony, stroke, emotional, physical, psychological ,financial turmoil, had it all.
not again.
this is my first day, yes I am struggling, but dd reminded me, it is my decision, but it is my decision based on her decision.
our relationship is severely compromised now, well it's over, I could never trust her again.
I would not believe a word that she says.
all the while over the last few months, she has been saying won't it be lovely mum, when I am back, the things we can do together, but didn't say the truth.

If you have decided to go NC - does she know that and has she accepted it?

What do you expect her to do....will she hound you? How can you pre-empt her moves to protect yourself from it practically? How far away from you will she be living?

Have you ever gone NC with someone before? This first part is the hard bit of NC - the first few months where you are alert, blocking and digging deep not to obsess, engage, react, get angry or emotional. But once you have put in that investment - it is easy and you wont look back.

You will be emotionally unburdened and free. You need to find other people
and activities to fill you time and mind during this time.

This is going to sound harsh.

Please get yourself to a solicitor.

Make sure your will is drawn up and water tight. Tell them your DD and her P are exceptionally abusive and money orientated and ensure yours and your H's wills are done properly so she cannot contest them. Anything you want to go to a particular person make sure it is detailed crystal clear.

Also, and this is much more important get your wishes for what happens in case the worst happens to you eg a stroke or something where you are left alive but unable to make decisions for yourself sorted.

Make sure his abuse and the police involvement are very well noted and that they are to have no control or say over you and that they are kept away from you if vulnerable in hospital etc.

Last thing you want is to be in a position where she (and by connection) he have any power of attorney or control over you or your H in future years.

Finally what you want to happen should you die. Again that they have no say.

You know they will not hesitate to rob you while you can not stop them.

poppledopple,

yes, in my last response to dd, I told her quite clearly "i am out of it now, and would block any emails/calls etc from her if she arrived back in the uk to be with the x..

dd replied that she will wait for me to contact her if I ever I wanted to, " I love and miss you mum"
I don't think she will try to get in touch initially, but will eventually once the honeymoon period has expired.

she will be just an hours drive away, so could just turn up eventually, x will push her to (particularly as "inheritance" is a factor.)

yes, I am sure I will feel different emotions over the next few months, engage? react? anger? emotionally drained? loss?, have I done the right thing?

my friends have their gc, ds's and dd's and I look at them and feel envious, but at least I have a clear conscience re my dd and gc.

you are right, I intend to keep busy.

even today I feel as though a massive weight has been lifted from me.

yesterday my dh was very quiet, he was worried "it will all start up again", but today is a new day, we are both in a much better place already.

(amongst other concerns, I was worried at my age, with years of past misery, i could fall into a massive depression )

but so far, so good.
we have friends visiting tomorrow, so fish and chips by the sea!

magoria, point taken.
the x has already discussed with dd his dm who is very frail now, how much he will inherit.
having suffered a stroke previously I will definitely make an appointment next week re our wills.

(years ago I had them threatening me for "inheritance" I replied I am not dead yet!

my dsis has cancer and in a nursing home. I am doing everything I can do on a daily basis for her.

I see how simple it is to betray someones' trust where finances are concerned.
I fear that if I become vulnerable I wouldn't stand a chance, nor my dh.

so that is at the top of our list hopefully to get an appointment next week,
how sad that blood relations can become so cold hearted.
but I guess, that's life.

It sounds like your daughter is returning to him as she misses the drama - and getting you all sucked in to make the drama even more satisfying.
My friend's sister was like this - constantly returning to an ex who abused her and the whole family getting sucked in including fleeing across Europe in the middle of the night.
But is really was an interdependent relationship of a woman who wanted drama.
My friend stopped seeing her sister and her life is no longer revolving around this highly damaged and selfish person.
You do need to disengage from your daughter and her drama. And sadly, if the grandchildren are the same, it's time to disengage form them. For those who are not irreparably damaged you can offer emotional support.
On no account get sucked in or give money ever again.
Sadly, you can't save people from themselves. Don't step in, don't spend time worrying, live your life, don't try to rescue them. Remember your daughter isn't a victim now, she's actively chosen a life of drama she thinks will get her all the thrills and notice her dull nice partner can't give her. Don't play their game.

(I am NC with my family - been there, it is so much better when you are not constantly dragged down by other people being crap.)

on one previous reply, someone likened it to post traumatic stress.

that is how I have been for the last 3 weeks.
reliving the hell of the last 20+ years with dd.

but now I have made the conscious choice not to get involved/caught in any more dramas I feel almost calm again.

the weeks trying to advise, remind ,dd the fear of past events to no avail, hoping upon hope that she would have a "light bulb" moment, but it wasn't to be.

my brain has actually disengaged today, it is an empowering moment.

The support I have received has been invaluable.
thank you all.

Enjoy the fish and chips by the sea! I sense some optimism and more strength today, that's good. Keep posting, it will be a bumpy road, but ultimately, it can't be worse than what you have endured up to now. Never, ever doubt yourself, no mum could have done more.