Daughter returning to abusive ex. Advice please!

[punchintheguts]

24 yrs ago my dd married a narcissistic abuser.dd was first attacked on honeymoon, and went downhill from there.
*he refused to work, my dd was breadwinner.
*he had numerous affairs which he threw in her face, even one with a family member. he completely isolated dd, only "allowing" her to mix with his parents.
*he tormented me for money.
*dd arrived crying, saying her said he would kill her if she left him, which was what she wanted to do, just 4 years into the marriage.

• then he told me in person he would kill dd if she ever left him. *he deleted phone messages/emails/texts from me, isolating her further. *She lost her legal career due to his financial abuse. *I made a 4 page statement to the domestic violence unit, but when they contacted dd, she said she was "okay"(then proceeded to become angry with me for reporting it) *then they emigrated abroad, him on a work visa as dd was in the middle of a bankruptcy" *his "work" lasted just one week, my dd was reduced to being an illegal cleaner to get by to support the "family" home and children. *he eventually threw dd out by the throat (her ds tried to protect her but took a beating himself)and moved his new GF in. *dd rang me in desperation, I immediately went to support her, paid the deposit for a home for her and the children.(needless to say he paid not one penny in support/maintenance) *eventually dd managed to establish a successful business and support herself and the children. *we secured her house with locks and chains on doors as he was still threatening her for money and turning up with new gf.. *eventually it all became to much for dd, and she took the children, left her house and came back to the uk, and "hid" in a rented house where she thought she would be safe. *he would constantly ring me threatening to kill dd, but my GD heard him, contacted him on facebook to "leave nan alone ".he laughed at her, told her in writing he would come to her place of work and give her a good hiding, and to mind her own business. *he found her in the rented house, attacked her sibling who was trying to support her. *eventually she returned back abroad , and life carried on. he followed her, but was eventually deported back to the uk, and there was peace for dd. *he financially abused a widow he found on a dating site, she found my number on his phone and rang me in a terrified state. *he then managed to convince his ex gf to marry him and went back to the country, and the abuse began for my dd. *my dd/me and the children lived in fear of his next move, but dd did her best, supported the family home and children. *eventually dd met a lovely divorced man, who adores her. he is the totally opposite of her monstrous abusive ex. *I had a police marker on my home, I was terrified he would turn up and cause turmoil. *through the middle of this I suffered a stroke, the constant worry and fear of what would happen next. *he has a son by his first marriage who is virtually nc with him. his father died recently, his dm is elderly, basically he is alone now. *his dsis in nc, she suffered for years at his hands. *he has a gf of 3 years. why am I explaining what He is doing?

I was so happy last night .She told me she was returning to the uk after all the years away

I am in my mid 70's now, and miss her and the grandchildren so much.
Then she dropped the bombshell.
SHE IS COMING BACK TO THE UK, TO BE WITH THE EX HUSBAND TO LIVE TOGETHER AS A FAMILY.
I felt my stomach in the old familiar churning.
I told her she is going back in the lions den.
A leopard doesn't change it's spots.
Why, after the years of misery, fear, and turmoil?
She "explained" that even though her partner, who would "do anything for her", the adult children won't have the same relationship with him as they would with their real(abusive dangerous) father.
I tried to remind her about the cunning/manipulative devious violent verbal and physical events over the last two decades, but her reply was
"He Has Changed Mum".
I said even though he tried to destroy our relationship he never managed to completely break it, but be sure I don't ever want any contact with him again.
She said it will be lovely to have Christmas's together as a family.
I replied "count me out" I can't go through the disastrous events again.
She replied, if it all starts up again she will leave straightaway.

Am I wrong?
Forgive and forget?
I can't do that.
advice please.

Oh OP I don't know what to say.
I just want to give you a big massive hug.
Keep them away from you.
Call police if you have to for harassment.
Do NOT have them back in your house.
I hate to say it but the PP is right.
Your DD is an asshole of epic proportions.
Keep them away.

Dear OP, I am heart sick for you. Having to deal with cancer while yet again your daughter causes you upset.
I'm afraid Daemon is correct, YOU are allowing your daughter to treat you like this over and over again. Its tragic whats happened to her, but surely now you can see you need to go no contact?
For the sake of your health and your quality of life and your husbands happiness, you need to block and ignore. Shes never going to change no matter how much you love her. Youre a good person, she is taking advantage of that.
As for talking about the will, sort that out now. I wonder if your cancer nurse or MacMillan can help you with talking to a counsellor regarding this?
Either way, this is your life, I think you;d be much happier without such a negative, black hole of a person in it.
with best wishes for you

Hard talk here.

You DD has made it very clear that she wants your house and money despite you being married for 30 years.

Sort out your will and wishes now legally so that your DH can act as required.

Otherwise your DD and her twat of P are going to cause more and more upset as things progress.

She will not change. Even her mother being so very ill everything has to be about her and her P and what they want.

You need to go NC again for you and those who love you.

I know dd will be leaving the uk in 2 weeks, but until then I will worry every time the door bell rings.

this is what happened via her abusive ex for 20 years! eventually I was forced to get a police marker on my house in case he came.

you know what, I don't care anymore.

door bell rings, they are standing there, open door, shout "fuck off" as loud as I can, then close the door.

this is the scenario I play in my mind, or dh will deal with them.

battle for control, intimidation, threats of violence, I thought this only happened on a news programme ,not to us!

no empathy at all.

for god's sake we are both pensioners, we don't want this in our lives.
tomorrow we are going to our gd's to tell them, they will be the support we need to deal with this.

at least ds is dealing with it in a kind, caring and thoughtful way.
he is planning to move from London, to our area, to be there if either of us need support.(he has no ties)

so instead of dd and partner supporting dh, being thankful I received such care from him and understanding how he has coped with my illness since last September, he has been abused and threatened.

re the will, prior to my latest prognosis, dd assumed my time left was short, and wanted to ensure my will was up to date!

such a disgrace.
yes, a deep line will be drawn in the sand now, nc yet again, in order to protect ourselves.

just dread the thought that anytime dd and partner could turn up, and violence begins, it would send me over the edge.

dh is a quiet non confrontational man, gets on with everyone, placid and kind

very pleased that your son will be there to support you.

About your will, you -do- need to sort that out. If you leave something to her chldren, you need to speak to a lawyer but I strongly suggest that you ensure that the money goes into a trust fund for them, to be accessed when they are 18 (or 21 if that's still possible).

You need to think here clear headed about what will happen in the future to anything you leave them. Your daughter's partner will spend it, or she will. A PP was harsh but actually, has some points; your daughter is after your money and what she can get from you. There may be some -feelings- of love in her, but precious little -actions- of love. Those have been wholly selfish.

Please take it easy and rest as much as you can, exercising when you are able to.

Give the police a call on the non emergency number and tell them about the threats of violence and you are scared they will then up.

bad day yesterday.
so agitated, shaking, dizzy, felt so ill.
afraid each time the phone rings or a car comes past, in case it is the partner back with the intimidation and threats of violence.
my poor dh, so afraid to see me like that.

I thought, if they turn up, and dh tells them to leave, they will say he is isolating me.
if I tell them to leave the anxiety/stress will hurt me more.

so I decided to email him to say, never attempt to contact me again.

once I have done that, I will wait a day or so, then call 101 to say I have clearly said not to contact us, leave us alone, we have enough to deal with as I am so poorly.
I know both dd and partner check their emails frequently through the day, so they will receive them.
I know he will be furious, he is so aggressive and a massive ego, thinks he rules the world.
but today I feel that the weight has been lifted from us.
dd will do as he tells her, so I pray today will be a calm one for us.

sadly, very sadly, I think you are doing the right thing.

You cannot live in fear, especially not now

Wishing you peace

it is the only way we can protect ourselves now.
I am still jittery that they will ignore the email.

I am in pain, my dh is trying to help, the last thing we need is trouble.

the odd thing is, we have only met the man twice before years ago.
we don't really know him at all, yet dd , knowing his aggression and temper, brought him into our home at such a time like this.

it truly is beyond belief.
so, curtains closed, sunday evening, we will try to block out the world.
shameful, how could dd treat us like this.
next week I am due further treatment, this anxiety is dragging me down again.

Sorry, but I am confused about who this partner is, as I thought she split up with abusive ex dp. Is this a new abusive one, or did she get back with the original abusive one?

Can you take yourself away to a nice hotel for a rest for a few days whilst they are still in the country?

Does this partner of your DD know that she came back in Aug to start up again with her old abusive xH? I would be inclined to tell him - or tell your dd that you will unless they keep out of your life...

I thought up tread that you liked this partner very much and you were upset that she was leaving him to visit her old abusive xH?

Oh, is it the original partner who was seen to be lovely and supportive? That she left for the abusive ex? And now she is back with that partner again? I must have missed a key post somewhere.

this is the "new" partner of dd, she did try to "get back" with the previous abusive ex husband last august, but it only lasted apparently 2 days.

but at the same time dd kept it secret from the new one, beyond belief.

I had only met the "new" one twice, but now I am hearing from ds who lived overseas with dd, that many times he was waken in the night to pick up dd when the "new" partner had become abusive and thrown dd out of his rural property when he had been drinking,
and so the abuse continued but with another abuser.

I did receive an abusive email from the "latest abuser" telling me as a mother I am lower than a beetle, they deserve each other..

Yesterday I received a call from the nhs complaints dept, re his abuse last week, we are just thankful that he/they are leaving the uk tomorrow, and our horrendous few days are over.

Time to draw a line under this devastating experience, I have a new trial to contend with soon re chemotherapy.
we are returning back to our previous calm , hopefully all will go well.

Without sounding morbid you really need to sort out your will if you haven't already,

despite the misery of the last few days I am feeling strong and positive today, sure the lovely sunshine helps!

I have just had a phone call from my dsis, who I have been supporting for so long with her advanced bowel cancer.

I don't know if anyone here has experience of this issue that has just come to light.

dsis is confined to bed in her nursing home, constant hospital visits, treatment etc.

but today she is very worried.

apparently each time she is escorted to hospital for urgent medical treatment, she is accompanied by a carer.(via patient transport)

it seems that each time, she has to "pay" for the carer, sometimes a visit lasts many hours.
she is worried that she won't be able to pay anymore, and said she will just go alone, but in reality needs an escort as she is so weak and vulnerable.
is this correct/legal?

I have no idea regarding the carer issue.
I would hope it's all included but it might not be.

I'm glad you are feeling more positive today.
It is lovely out there after the madness of yesterday.

Have you looked at sorting out your will yet?
Something I must do as well!

Is she provided with receipt/ paperwork by the carer? It sounds very odd to me.

yes, after the trauma of last week all is calm again, thankfully now they have left the uk.
so shameful.
yes, we have an appointment next week re a new will to safeguard my dh as much as anything!

I checked the qcc website, and it seems that depending on the original home contract ,my dsis may indeed be liable for payment for the carer escorting her to the many hospital appts.

This could run into many hundreds of pounds or more over the last 2 years, she is in such an anxious state today as this has only just been mentioned.

on the other hand she was in hospital since mid December until last week, so it should reasonably offset costs i.e no food, cleaning, nursing care etc.
the nurse in charge mentioned it today, there has been no paperwork at all.
this is so hard for me, trying to support her, yet having so much to deal with.
at least I have dh, dsis is alone.

please, please please, talk to me.

I have always been strong, emotionally and physically.
a breadwinner providing and meeting my dc's needs.
yet after the horrendous events of last week, have been reduced to a shadow of my former self.

today I received an email from dd.

she simply says, "lets put the events of last week away, I am your daughter, you are my mother".

no apologies, sorrow, empathy for the distress she caused me and dh, by her not "protecting" us from the vile onslaught from her boyfriend.

instantly she accepted his tirade, threats, and abuse, exactly the same as during the previous 20 years with her ex.( she promised "it will never happened again mum")

yet it did, within just72 hours!

she has put that in a separate compartment.
she has totally dismissed the anguish caused.

I want to reply expressing, again, my feelings, but what would it achieve?

I know she is distressed regarding my cancer prognosis, yet still can't see how that behaviour didn't impact on her emotionally.

he is a stranger, who she brought into our home, at such a vulnerable time for us, and she kept silent.

how, or can this even be resolved?

The definition of insanity is responding the same way, over and over and expecting a different result.

So don't answer. Don't jump just cos your abuser demands it. Delete the email.

Forgo the temptation to tell her exactly what you think of her and her partner. She doesn't give a shit about your opinion. Her opinion is enoughfor her. And her opinion is that he's worth it.

So delete.

Oh and if you think it was a thoughtless oversight that she didn't put any apologies or regret in the wording, you're naive.

She worded it very very carefully that way so as not to admit to a damn thing. She's arrogant, that one.

Don't reply and divert her emails to another folder. Big hugs to you your dh and your family xx

yes, of course you are right, I know, I know, I know.

it's just so hard to believe that my own flesh and blood was so callous at such a vulnerable time for me and dh.

(mind you it's not the first time )

it was worded carefully (she was a lawyer until she was struck off due to the abusive ex and financial abuse)

all we needed was some empathy and kindness , not threats, shouting and inheritance discussions.

our adult granddaughters have been so supportive, caring and thoughtful that it puts dd to total shame.

I won't reply, I will divert it right now.

also I received an email from my adult grandson asking how I am (dd's son living abroad with dd)maybe an attempt to keep lines of communication open?

so sad for dh, he suffered the brunt of the abuse, it has been so hard for him during the last few months.

impossible to believe that as pensioners we were subject to this.

but, that's it now, it must stop.
thank you all, it puts it in perspective.

just a quick positive update, it helps me get perspective!
thank you all for your replies!

well, my dsis is back in hospital in ITU from the nursing home, , but they are caring for her so well.

last week I received a cruel text message from the stepdaughter of dsis.

she called me callous etc for not visiting my dsis since last year (a 6 hour round trip)

I eventually explained I have bowel cancer and am poorly.

this kicked of a chain reaction.
she infrequently visited herself, yet barely 15 mins away.

I forwarded the unkind text to my younger dsis, who grasped the nettle so to speak.

dsis is now taking over the reigns of responsibility for our sisters care from now on.
I have emailed the nursing home with the new contact details for dsis.

Also, the son who was lost to my dsisfor a lifetime has arranged to visit her any day now.

they text and speak on the phone daily, which makes them both very happy, and me too.

so, even though health wise it is a difficult time, but at last we are all moving forward together!
just having the massive emotional responsibility removed from my shoulders has been amazing.

As far as DD is concerned, well, she still wants to brush all the abuse under the carpet, so let it be.

there is enough to deal with now, at her age she must work out her own life.
if she chooses to remain with the latest abuser, let her, as I told her, he will drive her children away too, thus socially isolating her from us all as in the past, yet she is blind to the facts.
so another day.

ds is here right now, and is moving to his flat close by tomorrow for additional support for us which is reassuring!
as far as the chemotherapy is concerned up till now I haven't had any side effects, the pump was removed yesterday, and all is well.