Daughter returning to abusive ex. Advice please!

[punchintheguts]

24 yrs ago my dd married a narcissistic abuser.dd was first attacked on honeymoon, and went downhill from there.
*he refused to work, my dd was breadwinner.
*he had numerous affairs which he threw in her face, even one with a family member. he completely isolated dd, only "allowing" her to mix with his parents.
*he tormented me for money.
*dd arrived crying, saying her said he would kill her if she left him, which was what she wanted to do, just 4 years into the marriage.

• then he told me in person he would kill dd if she ever left him. *he deleted phone messages/emails/texts from me, isolating her further. *She lost her legal career due to his financial abuse. *I made a 4 page statement to the domestic violence unit, but when they contacted dd, she said she was "okay"(then proceeded to become angry with me for reporting it) *then they emigrated abroad, him on a work visa as dd was in the middle of a bankruptcy" *his "work" lasted just one week, my dd was reduced to being an illegal cleaner to get by to support the "family" home and children. *he eventually threw dd out by the throat (her ds tried to protect her but took a beating himself)and moved his new GF in. *dd rang me in desperation, I immediately went to support her, paid the deposit for a home for her and the children.(needless to say he paid not one penny in support/maintenance) *eventually dd managed to establish a successful business and support herself and the children. *we secured her house with locks and chains on doors as he was still threatening her for money and turning up with new gf.. *eventually it all became to much for dd, and she took the children, left her house and came back to the uk, and "hid" in a rented house where she thought she would be safe. *he would constantly ring me threatening to kill dd, but my GD heard him, contacted him on facebook to "leave nan alone ".he laughed at her, told her in writing he would come to her place of work and give her a good hiding, and to mind her own business. *he found her in the rented house, attacked her sibling who was trying to support her. *eventually she returned back abroad , and life carried on. he followed her, but was eventually deported back to the uk, and there was peace for dd. *he financially abused a widow he found on a dating site, she found my number on his phone and rang me in a terrified state. *he then managed to convince his ex gf to marry him and went back to the country, and the abuse began for my dd. *my dd/me and the children lived in fear of his next move, but dd did her best, supported the family home and children. *eventually dd met a lovely divorced man, who adores her. he is the totally opposite of her monstrous abusive ex. *I had a police marker on my home, I was terrified he would turn up and cause turmoil. *through the middle of this I suffered a stroke, the constant worry and fear of what would happen next. *he has a son by his first marriage who is virtually nc with him. his father died recently, his dm is elderly, basically he is alone now. *his dsis in nc, she suffered for years at his hands. *he has a gf of 3 years. why am I explaining what He is doing?

I was so happy last night .She told me she was returning to the uk after all the years away

I am in my mid 70's now, and miss her and the grandchildren so much.
Then she dropped the bombshell.
SHE IS COMING BACK TO THE UK, TO BE WITH THE EX HUSBAND TO LIVE TOGETHER AS A FAMILY.
I felt my stomach in the old familiar churning.
I told her she is going back in the lions den.
A leopard doesn't change it's spots.
Why, after the years of misery, fear, and turmoil?
She "explained" that even though her partner, who would "do anything for her", the adult children won't have the same relationship with him as they would with their real(abusive dangerous) father.
I tried to remind her about the cunning/manipulative devious violent verbal and physical events over the last two decades, but her reply was
"He Has Changed Mum".
I said even though he tried to destroy our relationship he never managed to completely break it, but be sure I don't ever want any contact with him again.
She said it will be lovely to have Christmas's together as a family.
I replied "count me out" I can't go through the disastrous events again.
She replied, if it all starts up again she will leave straightaway.

Am I wrong?
Forgive and forget?
I can't do that.
advice please.

thank you, I do feel mentally stronger today.
I won't even think "what if" or "suppose that".

I will take it day by day.
a dear friend just rang, to see how I was.
she said she could hear it in my voice how so much better I am, basically since that plane landed!

after the bank holiday is will see what voluntary work is around my area.

I have so much experience and so much to give that I don't want to get in the middle of winter and allow the thoughts of the past to come creeping in.

Punch - this thread might help you (it is a continuation so you can see original thread linked up front) - it is a collective supporting each other - day by day , minute by minute to go NC ... mostly romantic relationships I think but would be same advice for you...

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2710209-Opening-up-for-happiness

Hope it helps....

How are you OP?

thank you for asking cary2012, but it's so difficult.
had a glorious birthday with 2 lovely ggd's on lunch time river cruise. everything was just perfect, they organised everything.

but when we got home, there were emails and phone calls from dd.
saying , love you, miss you, happy birthday etc.
it rapidly reduced me to a very low ebb.
but I didn't respond, it's so hard, but with all the stress of the last 20+ years due to both dd and the x, I stayed strong.
dd is lovely when she is on her own, but once x comes into the equation all hell breaks loose.
so, for now, I am taking a day at a time.

an update, but name changed.

well, I have been NC with dd since august.
even though I feel sad, I also feel my emotional and physical health is improving.
since dd dropped her bombshell in august I have suffered tremendous irritable bowel syndrome, something that I had never experienced before, thank goodness.

but, history is truly repeating itself, yet again.

ds informed me last night that dd is selling her company, in order that the monster of an ex will have the funds to buy out his dsis from the parents home who have recently died.

this will be the third time that this happened during their abusive marriage, each time he kept the house, threw dd out, leaving her homeless and penniless.
and it is happening yet again.

she will give him her money, leaving her without an income, he will obtain a mortgage free house in his sole name, then revert back to his dangerous abusive ways, and drive dd out.

I warned her this will happen pre nc in august, but she just said "he has changed"
dd has lost everyone who cared for her, now socially isolated,she is back to the cycle of events that began over 20 years ago, yet she is oblivious to the facts that are staring her in the face.
he is now "semi retired" as his original cash cow is back providing, that is until he has no need for her anymore.
such patterns of behaviour there for all to see except dd.
a woman in her early 50's , a clever brain yet totally lacking in common sense.
I dread the future for her, but will continue to protect myself.
just thought I would update, and thank you for your advice and support.

I was thinking about you today and wondering how you are.
Thanks for the update.
Incredible isn't it, that an intelligent woman is blind to what is to the of us glaringly obvious.

You are right to continue to protect yourself. She is going to make huge financial and personal mistakes whether you stress over her or not.

Stay well.

talk about the circle of life.

In just 2 weeks time my ds is coming back to the UK after some years abroad, with his dsis.
he is uncomplicated, a kind soul, never makes "demands or needs" unlike my dd.
well, during our Skype conversation last night, ds dropped a bombshell.

my dd has left the abuser already, she apparently she turned up at MY friends house yesterday.
I haven't received contact either with dd /friend, and to be honest dread any contact at all.
I am just about healing, though IBS has caused me difficult days.

am I selfish, in that I just want dd to get on the first plane she can and go back to the country she came from?
she has a house/business/income there, I dread a knock on the door today.
dd is just a car crash waiting to happen, the total lack of understanding/basic common sense is breath taking.
does she think, "she has left him and everything back to normal?"
the abusive/rude aggressive emails she sent to me (again)when she was about to embark on returning to the abuser, he has changed ex.
I am so fed up today, I just want it to end.

her "original" partner emailed me a couple of days ago, he is wondering what has been going on.

maybe dd didn't want to burn her boats and kept partner in the dark .
partner has no idea she has spent the last 2 months sleeping in the abusers bed.
I can't believe this is my dd I am talking about, nothing like me at all.
such manipulation and deviousness is beyond belief.

No advice, OP, but that is so hard. Look after your health first and foremost.

I have someone in my life (well 2 people actually) that remind me very much of your DD. I've left them to their mistakes as all advice goes unheeded and any help they've gotten from us goes forgotten.

I think you're right to protect yourself. Your daughter is going to continue to make these poor choices - that's on her. Do your best not to let it affect you.

Just read your whole thread. How very very sad. I really feel for you. I also think you've done exactly the right thing by distancing yourself from this continuing car crash. I do hope your DD manages to sort herself out in time and you can have the peace you deserve for your retirement.

People are still feeding you information about your DD.

I know it is really hard as despite everything she is your child and you will always love her.

She is a very low person who keeps the poor SAP at home waiting for them to go back to.

Completely selfish and uncaring of anyone but herself and her wants.

You should repeat to them not to tell you.

Such an awful situation.

I need to mention this iknow - developing IBS for the first time at your age (I presume you are in your 70s) is really unusual. You really need to see you GP about it.

You ought to have a colonoscopy. Diverticulosis gives very similar symptoms, but there are other more serious complaints that cause looseness, pain & bloating (I'm assuming these are your symptoms)

maybe he is trying to put my mind at rest, but ds has just emailed to say dd is going back next weekend.
so hopefully this rollercoaster is finally over.

she hasn't made contact since going to my friends house (an hour away) which is best for me, but I have a gnawing feeling through the day that she will turn up.
I just want her to go back to her house/job/adult sons on the other side of the world, and stop throwing these emotional grenades into my life which she has done since she was 18!!!!!! (not that she would recognise this)
furrylittletwerp, you are right. the day dd dropped her bombshell august 16, my stomach felt like a sledge hammer hit it, and I have had pain everyday since. sometimes I can't walk, I find that whatever I eat causes severe pain so try to restrict my eating habits.
I have had one test which came back "unclear" so repeated it and am waiting for the results.

please dd, just go back ,far away from me.
I have had years of this, enough is enough now.

Obviously your DS is in contact with her, could you tell him, politely but forcibly to stop telling you what's going on? He is probably telling you things to reassure you, but it's clearly unsettling and distressing you.

Look after your health, that's a priority.

As for her partner, whilst it is natural to feel sad for him, don't respond to him. Don't respond to any one about her.

Take care

yet another issue that has unexpectedly arisen.

apparently dd left the abusive bastard as was predicted, it didn't take long.
that was why I finally decided to have no further contact as the years of hell came full circle.
yet dd is "staying" in the abusers mother's house (alone)who has recently died.

not that I believe that for one minute.

but I knew I was poorly in the summer, and when dd said she was coming back to the uk, I was happy for additional emotional support, yet what she was really planning was to go back to the cruel abuser.
my issue is this.

I have been diagnosed with bowel cancer, not sure yet if it has spread.
I haven't told anyone yet, only my dh knows was with me in the hospital.

I am dreading telling our lovely gd's, I cannot find the words.

yet, should I tell my dd, would it entail just too much extra stress for me?

So sorry to hear about your bowel cancer, OP. Cancer is such a frightening word, but it no longer an automatic death sentence. I think you should do what you want as regards telling your dd. If you would like her to know, do, but otherwise it is your body and your health and that is the most important thing at the moment.

So sorry to hear this.

I would say not to if you can handle that.

Do you really need your DD & all the selfish shit she brings into your life at this time?

Do you really think she will be there for you? Be the daughter you want? Or will she make it all about her. Poor her that her mum is so unwell...

Sorry to hear about the cancer..

I think you need to find out where you are at before you decide what you want to do...

I think considering your health I am a true believer of positivity with cancer really helps , less stress helps..At this point in time I doubt your DD can do either things to help you so I would focus on those around you who do bring that and support you.

for you.

I would answer categorically NO.

magoria, yes,
"poor her, that her mum is so unwell!
actually that was my first reaction to my question.

going by the past experiences, I am positive that dd would react in this way.
I know dd would only bring all her issues along with her, maybe even the abuser, which would stress me tremendously.
maybe I need to keep it between myself and dh at the moment.
it is so hard though

I had a relative who kept it from their kids.

And it wasn't even remotely like your situation, it was cos the kids would come down on her like a ton of bricks trying to"help" when in reality it would have manifested as bullying. Haranguing about the consultant and throwing their weight around about what treatment she should get.

She couldn't bear the thought of it. Too hard. Too stressful.

They lived in another city so she decided after much soul searching to hide it. She decided only to tell them if her hair fell out and it became obvious.

It was the right decision for her. Her appointments, her chemotherapy etc were all relatively stress free. And her hair actually didn't fall out! She was glad she did it her way.

Adding more stress into a cancer treatment program is not a good idea.

I am so sorry to hear this.

Look after yourself first and look at the long game.

I would keep it quiet if I were you for your own stress levels and health. I also remember from up thread that your exSIL was very interested in your personal wealth and he may see your decline as another attractive opportunity to wealth and to manipulate your daughter at this time.

oh yes another20, that was my thought exactly.
I could imagine dd coming to my home, all tearful etc, while the abuser was waiting round the corner in the car, waiting for his next financial opportunity.
Elspeth, you are right.
I have decided to reply to ds saying, I have just have a bug and am okay, he is now living/working in London so won't be around much.
he said dd still says she wants to see me, but I will tell him simply that maybe next year once the dust has settled.
I feel I need to deal with it without the added burden and stress from others right now.
just get them off my back.
I have spent the last 50+ years giving while they all took, I never asked/expected not received any emotional support from them, so why would/should it change now?

I have managed to keep my health situation between just myself and dh.
I had surgery just before xmas, saying it was appendicitis, as I couldn't bear to have to endure the emotional stress from my ds and 2gd's.

I hoped that after surgery, I could put the whole awful event behind me.

but it is not to be.
the cancer has spread to liver and lung, and I have an ocology apt next week to discuss possible options.
now, my confusion is this.

1st.
my older dsis who I have been supporting for almost 2 years with the same condition is now reduced to virtually being a little head with a brain completely bedbound.no quality of life whatsoever, the chemo/radiotheraphy might have saved her life as she is still living, but reduced it to an existence. Do I want the same?

2nd.
if I accept chemo/radiotherapy and all the side effects my ds and the gd's will know the truth, which I am trying to hide from them thus far.

3rd.
do I tell dd who I was forced to go nc last year as she caused me so much fear/worry/misery?
I am so inclined to refuse further treatment, and just take each day as it comes.
I can't believe this has happened so quickly.

just also to say, if a bowel screening kit comes through the post to you....DO IT....it might save drastic and painful operation and prevent further cancer spreading.

She's a fully grown woman. Is fully aware of her choices. Has made her decision. It's a big kick in the teeth for you. But she's made her bed.