Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

This is a sure way to start an argument!!

189 replies

WhoGivesAFlying · 27/07/2016 22:21

I go to try an arrange something for us to do at the weekend (or anything) for when his kids are here so they aren't bored out their brain again and when I try to get a straight answer he says "I don't want an argument" Angry Angry like I fucking do? Just say yes or no! Make one decision for once in your life ffs! He want to leave everything to me (even opening his mail) but when I need an answer I'm "harassing" him! Arrrrrrrrrrr!

OP posts:
ScrambledSmegs · 28/07/2016 20:39

Hissy is right, OP. You're in serious danger. Please do what she says.

Original poster
WhoGivesAFlying · 28/07/2016 20:40

My Dad says I'm not the same....and that breaks my heart. My dad is the best dad and a friend to me. Before all this he never took sides, he always told me straight. He's told me to leave

I'm 36 and wish I had my mum still here, she dies when I was 23. She was my bolt hole, I always had a room there....god I wish she was still here

OP posts:
Original poster
WhoGivesAFlying · 28/07/2016 20:43

I feel really overwhelmed tonight, I can't stop crying

OP posts:
Original poster
WhoGivesAFlying · 28/07/2016 20:46

My plan is to tell him on Monday after he has gone away for work. He will hit me again! I need to remember that. I need to go now as I'm getting upset.

OP posts:
ayeokthen · 28/07/2016 20:47

I'm so sorry you're feeling so awful, I'm so glad you have your dad. Can he help you to get away? Is staying with him an option for the short term? No wonder you can't stop crying, the realisation of what has been happening and the reality of it all is completely overwhelming, it's completely normal to be heartbroken and torn and devastated. Is there someone who can come and get you and your son, to get you somewhere safe tonight and then you can come up with a plan tomorrow? Or the day after, or whenever you're up to it. I'm really scared for you that he'll come in drunk and do something awful.

ayeokthen · 28/07/2016 20:47

Know that we're all here if you need us op, I'm sorry if I've upset you. I honestly just want to help you, because I've been there. Xxx

Original poster
WhoGivesAFlying · 28/07/2016 20:53

No one has upset me, my situation has upset me....and royally pissed me off. My arm looks better nearly so no evidence. I need to keep a clear head. I'm going on this weekend as it causes less conflict to do so. Plus my ds will not miss out (yet again). I'll keep logging in here, if just to use it as a diary

OP posts:
Original poster
WhoGivesAFlying · 28/07/2016 20:54

I need to get that picture removed, it's too telling as to who I am

OP posts:
TentPegsAndWetWipes · 28/07/2016 20:55

Lots of love to you OP.
Be aware that your plans to discuss it with him are scaring us all shitless.

I would be able to breathe much more easily if you made your exit plans secretly. I'd hate for you to become a statistic Sad

Original poster
WhoGivesAFlying · 28/07/2016 20:58

He will be 2 hrs away from me tent, but I still need to think it all
Through

OP posts:
Garbadgeman · 28/07/2016 20:58

I realise this thread must feel like an onslaught Whogives, it's no wonder you feel overwhelmed but many of these posters are speaking from experience and with concern for your safety at heart. It's tempting to dismiss what people are saying, to convince yourself your situation is different and that their warnings are an exaggeration in your case, the fact that your dad has told you to leave says otherwise though. The posters on this thread have no ulterior motive, no personal bias against your H, they just see him for what he is because he is a cliche and he is following an all too familiar pattern. I think you're starting to see that, starting to open your eyes to your situation. That's hard and it's understandable you're upset but it's a necessary process and is bringing you closer to safety, that's a good thing even if it doesn't feel like it tonight.

TentPegsAndWetWipes · 28/07/2016 21:00

Wrt the pictures - maybe ask if mnhq will keep copies, should you need it xx

Muzzcub · 28/07/2016 21:06

You deserve a better life Op

You deserve happiness and peace. Flowers

Original poster
WhoGivesAFlying · 28/07/2016 21:06

Garbadgeman that's exactly it, I need to realise this won't change but it's hard when you are stil in love with the last. Well the last is dead. No time for sentiment.

tent I have a pic on my phone, don't know why I took it, maybe subconsciously for this very reason

OP posts:
ChanelNo314 · 28/07/2016 21:07

Oh I remember you posting before. I remember a poster who was close to her Dad but who had lost her mum.

Sweetheart., I left at 36 and life is good now. He will have to take responsibility for his children, and / or their mother.

Do not postpone the rest of your life for his children's weekend plans.

Put yourself first.

Can you just go to your Dad's and sort out the rest later.

LadyStoicIsBack · 28/07/2016 21:10

who LISTEN TO US - DO NOT TELL HIM YOU ARE LEAVING

Do you understand that? Do you understand the reason all are saying it is it is the point of greatest risk to you AND YOUR SON.

2 real life woman JUST LIKE YOU are killed every week by fuckers like your 'H'. Do you hear me, do you understand me, can this fact get past the (so so NOT your fault in any way) way he has wired your brain to work?

Please post and tell us you will not tell him of your plans, PLEASE? I can't get you or the risk you are in RIGHT NOW out of my head & I know that to be true of PP.

Sending you so much love, strength, and courage. You KNOW what your Mum would be saying to you now and it's the SAME thing we other Mums are saying to you - LEAVE, but do NOT tell him you intend to.

Please do not be 1 of those 2 women who WILL be dead before next weeks and whatever plans they 'were' going to do Flowers

Original poster
WhoGivesAFlying · 28/07/2016 21:11

my sweet boy is sleeping, I need to go to bed. I'm reading everything you've all said

OP posts:
LadyStoicIsBack · 28/07/2016 21:11

Do you have access to basic funds for things like phone credit and taxis (both of which you'll need when leave)?

ChanelNo314 · 28/07/2016 21:11

ps, don't be too sentimental about the only home your son has ever known. It's only bricks and mortar. HOME is where mum is. You need to be safe. You need and deserve peace.

I walked away with nothing. Well, I escaped with nothing. It was easier than fighting for my share in the end.

Doublemint · 28/07/2016 21:12

As a grown up child of a dad who would attack my mum to a similar level of violence as this I can hand on my heart say it was the single most courageous, best thing she did for herself and my siblings.

It will take planning and patience, you may feel sick with anxiety at times but it will be so worth it

Where do you want to be in a years time OP? Who do you want to be in a years time?

Get out, get help. Tell your gp and contact woman's aid. They can get you out and have someone come with you or go instead to get your stuff. Which can be replaced anyway.

This will never stop, year after year you will dance the same dance with your abuser until he kills you, or abuses your children.

You can do this, you're a mum! X

ChanelNo314 · 28/07/2016 21:14

Will he go to work tomorrow morning OP?
is there a friend who could come over for the night until tomorrow morning?

I'd wake up your son and just go to a friend's house while the momentum is there.

Because the danger is that tomorrow, having endured this crap for years, you'll lose your momentum and feel as thought it is 'dramatic' to react (appropriately) to abuse by leaving.

Act while you have momentum. Act while the anaesthetic is wearing off.
Sometimes you feel numb. sometimes you feel indignant.

So it's important to utilise the anger right in the moment that you feel it I think.

By tomorrow you could be paralysed again.

Garbadgeman · 28/07/2016 21:15

There's a massive amount of strength to be taken from threads like this, they can bolster you and give you the courage to seek the real life help you need. Use it, use us to get you where you need to be, all anyone here wants is for you and DS to be happy and safe Flowers

Original poster
WhoGivesAFlying · 28/07/2016 21:19

Doublemint thankyou for that post X I needded that

Lady I have only what DH put in my acc. He puts in money to cover all the shopping bills and other amenities/house hold, Plus my own personal bills.

OP posts:
Garbadgeman · 28/07/2016 21:22

One last thing, it's already been said but can't hurt to repeat, keep your online activity hidden and secret, delete your history or use private browsing, delete any email notifications from this thread etc even if you think he can't/won't access your device. No more discussions with him about leaving, we're not being alarmist, these really are danger areas, keep safe at all costs.

Doublemint · 28/07/2016 21:22

I agree with ladystoic

Do not tell him you're leaving, don't ask him to leave.

The night dad almost killed my mum by strangling and kicking her was when she told him the marriage was over and he had to leave. It was the day after he attacked me for the first time.

My 7 year old brother saw the whole thing, we thought she was going to die and we can't ever forget the sound of it.

Don't tell him where your going just leave. Please.

Swipe left for the next trending thread