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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

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Original poster

This is a sure way to start an argument!!

189 replies

WhoGivesAFlying · 27/07/2016 22:21

I go to try an arrange something for us to do at the weekend (or anything) for when his kids are here so they aren't bored out their brain again and when I try to get a straight answer he says "I don't want an argument" like I fucking do? Just say yes or no! Make one decision for once in your life ffs! He want to leave everything to me (even opening his mail) but when I need an answer I'm "harassing" him! Arrrrrrrrrrr!

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 27/07/2016 23:19

Even if you were 97, you'd be young enough to leave this bastard.

AnyFucker · 27/07/2016 23:21

Your posting history is like a diary of ongoing abuse and your child is witnessing all of it

Phone the social work team that was involved previously and tell them you would like some support to get away from him for the sake of your son

Before the matter is taken out of your hands and your son is removed from your care. If you show you mean to protect your son they will help you.

StarryIllusion · 27/07/2016 23:22

FFS Op, get out. Get out while you still can and get your son away from him. Do you think it is ok for him to grow up seeing his mum treated like this? Your life will be so much better without him, you just have to be brave for bit longer. Bollocks, he never did this to her, wonder what she would say if you asked her. If you stay with him, he will very likely end up killing you. Please just get out. Just take your son and whatever you can't live without and go to the police station.

AnyFucker · 27/07/2016 23:22

What difference will one incident-free weekend make ?

Will it turn him into a man that doesn't batter his wife ?

AdjustableWench · 27/07/2016 23:24

Call Women's Aid. They can help.

HandbagCrazy · 27/07/2016 23:24

If it helps you to think of it a little differently, can you try and view it this way:
If you can't do anything right, why is he still there? Because he needs someone to do all the grunt work in his life for him, and because he enjoys having power over someone
If he's afraid of what may happen next time, why is he still there? Because he isn't afraid at all - he isn't concerned about you at all. He is warning you that he can do more damage
He says he wasn't like this with his ex. I'm fiery So he instinctively beats fiery people who question him in to submission? Of course he doesn't, because f he did he'd be in prison.

You know he does this because he can, and because it gets him what he wants.

You know you need to leave so telling you that isn't helpful. But please step back and think - in 20 years time, do you want ds's girlfriend terrified of him, because he thinks beating her up is normal?

Try and imagine something nice but ordinary - Christmas Day or Ds's birthday - imagine getting up and having breakfast, giving him some presents, eating what you like, going where you like, joking and having a great day. Imagine no eggshells to walk on, no dsd coming in and taking over, no rows, no shouting. Just you and ds having a giggle together. Your life could be great OP, if you can get through the hard part, you could have that peaceful life that you deserve

Supercali3228 · 27/07/2016 23:30

Shocked to read this. What you've been through already.
Is there one person you trust in rl that you can speak to and show this thread? It's coming across how dangerously insecure your OH is and how well you have managed the situation so far, even accommodating and organising visits from his other DCs. You can get free and you will manage better on your own than he will. Keep safe.

Original poster

WhoGivesAFlying · 27/07/2016 23:30

Jeeze AnyFucker I just looked back and you're right. I feel like a right fool. I didn't think I had that much history under this name.

I need to grow a pair

OP posts:

AldrinJustice · 27/07/2016 23:32

Women's aid or Refuge will help. Please leave him you're worth more than this

nicenewdusters · 27/07/2016 23:32

When you go to bed tonight you will no doubt lock the front door, check the windows are shut, that everything is turned off. We all do this to ensure we are safe.

The danger to you and your son is sitting in the same room as you. I've read about the significance of men putting their hands around their partner's throats.

Nobody underestimates the difficulty of leaving a partner. Leaving a violent controlling one can seem impossible. It's not.

Just look at that picture of your arm. If that was your son's arm would you let him sleep in the same place as his abuser ?

No one is judging you or blaming you. The time for reflecting about whether you should go has passed. You just need to make this real, tell your GP, a friend, neighbour, Health Visitor but ideally the police.

You have the right to live a life free from fear. He's just a man, one man, and a very weak, pathetic, cowardly one at that.

Costacoffeeplease · 27/07/2016 23:32

Yes you need to get away from this bastard - asap - what's stopping you?

Original poster

WhoGivesAFlying · 27/07/2016 23:35

I've been reading all the posts, and you are all right, I do want to leave. I want us both to be happy, we are not. I won't do anything this weekend as I don't want his kids time disrupted. The violence aside, I can't go on with the resentment. I will talk with him next week

OP posts:

ColdAsIceCubes · 27/07/2016 23:43

Please, if only for the safety of your little one you have to leave asap! Take advantage of any help that can get you away safely.

nicenewdusters · 27/07/2016 23:43

the violence aside - there aren't any words that can come after this phrase. The violence can't be put aside to anything. Even if he treats you like the Queen 99% of the time, that moment he's standing on your throat it's over.

What are you going to talk to him about next week ? I've read many times on here that the most dangerous time is when a woman decides to go and is in the throes of leaving. The advice is always to ensure he doesn't know what you intend doing.

Supercali3228 · 27/07/2016 23:45

No, not 'the violence aside'!! The violence very much matters!
No person should be physically injuring you like that!
What if you end up in hospital after he attacks you? Who will look after your son?
Can you be sure if you were ill and he was minding your son that he would not attack him, punch, hit, kick whatever, to 'calm him down' if he got distressed or challenging of him? This man is not in control of his actions.
Your life is too precious for this. For God's sake act carefully around planning leaving. If you had a daughter going through this how would you advise her? Stay safe OP xxx

Original poster

WhoGivesAFlying · 27/07/2016 23:46

I plan to say I want to split, I don't know how that will go, he'll probably accept it at first

OP posts:

Rainbow · 27/07/2016 23:51

Who gives a flying.
You need to leave now. My ex beat me. He was always careful not to in front of the kids, or so I thought. We had been married 8 years and had 3 DC (youngest 2) one day, I had done something wrong, lumpy mash or coffee too strong or something, and he grabbed the back of my hair and slammed my face into the worktop. He grabbed my wrists and crossed my arms over so I strangled myself all in front of the DC. The youngest, unphased, picked up a metal pipe and hit my ex hard. My ex got angry, grabbed the pipe and went for the DC. We all hid under the dining room table and pulled the chairs around. He hit the table to get at us. I still don't know why or how but I grabbed the phone and dialled 999. The police arrested him and we were moved. He hasn't seen any of us for years. My eldest started acting up around 14 yo and aggressive. During an argument he blamed me for everything and broke down. He told me everything. His father had been abusing him too and I had no idea. His father had been gone about 6 years at this point. It has taken a lot of work, patience and love but we have a strong, happy family now. Get out now, whogivesaflying, before its too late. Please x

ilovelamp82 · 27/07/2016 23:58

Please don't tell him you are going to leave. That tends to escalate violence. Please just give Women's aid a call tomorrow and have a chat with them. They will advise you of what to do next. Please don't indicate that you are leaving him. For your safety.

ADishBestEatenCold · 27/07/2016 23:58

"I won't do anything this weekend"

This is not the weekend. So you will go through all the rest of this week? For what?

What if this weekend is the weekend he goes too far?

nicenewdusters · 27/07/2016 23:59

I don't know how that will go

Do you want to risk finding out ?

Are you hoping he'll say please don't go and will promise to change ? He won't and you'll be back to square one.

Or that he'll accept it at first, that he'll carry on accepting it and you'll have an amicable split ? That won't happen.

Basically you'll just be showing him your hand and making yourself vulnerable. He doesn't get a say, you are in control.

for you and your family Rainbow

DelphiniumBlue · 28/07/2016 00:01

You don't need to tell him you plan to go, you don't need his permission. In fact it could be very dangerous to let him know you want to leave - it's well documented that this is likely to trigger a violent episode.
Just get your essential stuff and go, with your precious DS. If you have to tell him, do it with someone else there, someone who will stay until you are out and in a place of safety. The police, if necessary.

Fishface77 · 28/07/2016 00:05

Get out before he kills you.

123therearenomoreusernames · 28/07/2016 00:13

GET OUT BEFORE HE KILLS YOU

^^ This

ADishBestEatenCold · 28/07/2016 00:14

You say he won't touch his son, Flying ... but that's not true is it?

He's already hit his elder son, so it's just a matter of time.

Leave, Flying. Leave. Do the hardest, bravest, most heroic thing that a woman in your position can do ... that a mum in your position can do. Leave and, I promise, life will get better.

AvaCrowder · 28/07/2016 00:20

Why would you put your own son and yourself through that?

Move out when he is at work. You have photographic evidence that he has hurt you.

Your child is not gaining anything positive growing up in this environment.

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