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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

This is a sure way to start an argument!!

189 replies

WhoGivesAFlying · 27/07/2016 22:21

I go to try an arrange something for us to do at the weekend (or anything) for when his kids are here so they aren't bored out their brain again and when I try to get a straight answer he says "I don't want an argument" Angry Angry like I fucking do? Just say yes or no! Make one decision for once in your life ffs! He want to leave everything to me (even opening his mail) but when I need an answer I'm "harassing" him! Arrrrrrrrrrr!

OP posts:
LilacInn · 28/07/2016 00:27

So every single day that you wake up and don't leave, this is the miserable existence you are CHOOSING for your child. Unbelievable. I'd run out to the middle of the road naked and without a dime to my name, and beg on my knees from passersby, before I spent another split second, or allowed my offspring to live with that abusive human trash.

There are agencies and people willing to help you, right now this very minute, and you choose, minute by minute, day by day, not to avail yourself of that help. what is your child enduring? what is your child learning? how is its brain and mental wiring being deformed forever by witnessing violence, strife and dysfunction? It's not about you and what you want and whether you can "start over" OP, it's about the innocent child you are responsible for.

VioletRoller · 28/07/2016 00:44

I wouldn't tell him you were leaving. I would be very careful & plan it first.

You might even feel like you know you should leave... but you don't believw you actually will/want to. Here and womans aid are the best places to get you at that mindset. I was in the same position albeit less deep (no DCs to him) but the further away I get the more I see and expirience that life is just not that miserable. The new possibilities are wonderful. I still am sucked in sometimes but not living in that miserable controlled way - controlled subconciously by violence.

I hope you are okay right now. X Keep coming back here, even reading other threads was a huge support for me. X This is normality not that twat

nicenewdusters · 28/07/2016 07:18

Hope you're ok this morning OP ?

daisychain01 · 28/07/2016 07:45

I know you'll have to psyche yourself up to it but please don't put things off til tomorrow, the next day, the next week.

Please vow to yourself to do it Today. At least start to get things moving.

Tomorrow may be too late.

magoria · 28/07/2016 07:50

It doesn't matter if he sticks to what he plans with his kids.

If you can't do this for yourself, do it for your son.

So he isn't left motherless one of these attacks kills you. Left with an uncaring dad who treats him like a second class person.

He already has a criminal record. Go to the police. Get him arrested and away from you and you son.

Before it is too late.

DownstairsMixUp · 28/07/2016 07:56

You might not make it to this weekend. You need to make plans now. Do you understand how serious this is?

As for the my ex never made me hit her either not true or he knew she wasn't going to take it, hence why they didn't last. My ex used to say this and it took a long time talking to a professional to realise it wasn't me being "fiery" or "knowing how to push his buttons" he was just a cunt.

Supercali3228 · 28/07/2016 08:21

thinking of you OP and hope you are ok xx

Getit · 28/07/2016 08:24

Morning, hope you are ok OP ?
Please don't tell him you are planning to leave. You will be putting yourself and your ds In serious danger. You have to do it soon and secretly.

ShebaShimmyShake · 28/07/2016 08:34

Get out before this worthless sack of shit leaves your son motherless. I've seen people convicted for less than what this evil bastard has done. He has no redeeming features other than the fact he will one day die. But he'll kill you before that happens, and what do you think will happen when your son gets old enough to answer back?

hellsbellsmelons · 28/07/2016 09:56

Do NOT talk to him about a split.
This is the most vulnerable time for you and telling him your plans will escalate things.
Do NOT tell him anything.
0808 2000 247 - they can help you with exit plan.
They will also tell you NOT to tell him anything.
These are the times that abusers DO KILL their victims.
Don't become a statistic.
Plan with outside support and get away SAFELY.

WITHOUT his knowledge.

MNHQ
KatherineMumsnet · 28/07/2016 12:14

We're so sorry you are going through this, OP.

We can see there is lots of fantastic support on this thread - and we wanted to just link to our domestic violence webguide here which has lots more advice that we hope is helpful to you.

Very best wishes from all at MNHQ Flowers

Original poster
WhoGivesAFlying · 28/07/2016 16:46

Thanks for the link MN. Today I've felt pretty down all day, I've said to DH im not sure we can stay together. We got into a bit of a heated discussion, he said one of us should go for a walk before it starts into a shouting match. He's gone out and said he loves me and doesn't want to split. I said that's not his call anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhoGivesAFlying · 28/07/2016 17:16

Apparently he's in the pub and close to tears.....The only time I've seen that man cry was at his nans funeral...I would like to think that's genuine, it may well be as its normally me begging/crying and hanging onto his ankles trying to stop him from leaving....

OP posts:
Original poster
WhoGivesAFlying · 28/07/2016 17:19

The thought of hem leaving use to fill me with panic, I would scratch down my neck in shear despoliation, I don't feel that now....I'm actually thinking how nice it would be for someone to want my company, to make a small gesture on special occasions.

We have plans this weekend, going away. I will stick to it for the kids, I want my son to go but I won't let DH take him on his own with the other two. Then next week DH is away all week with work and I will look at my next step.

OP posts:
EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 28/07/2016 17:21

OP he may be genuinely remorseful now he's going to be reaping the results of his actions.

Your safety and that of your child is paramount and no matter how sorry you think he is, please bear in mind what he's capable of.

Good Luck.

memyselfandaye · 28/07/2016 17:22

Who will look after your son when he kills you and he's in jail?

inlectorecumbit · 28/07/2016 17:26

i fear that things may esculate before the weekend-please leave now. He knows that you want to split and that bhe no longer will have any control over you, that is enough to make him lose his temper and make you a punchbag once again.
Who will look after your DS if you are dead ( you want him to learn this behaviour from his dad?) or seriously injured in hospital.
Now that he knows your intentions he is at his most dangerous.
Please phone womans aid and egt out asap.

ayeokthen · 28/07/2016 18:10

The fact he's in the pub and also being overly emotional are massive massive red flags to me OP. My XH used to call it the calm before the storm, and then I'd get such a hiding. I wonder how he didn't kill me to be honest. And that was without putting his hands on my throat. He doesn't mean it, it's not going to get better and you are worth more. That said, keep him calm until you're in a position to go, because telling him you're leaving could cause him to lose it. But please, go now, or as quickly as you can, for your sake and for your son.

ShebaShimmyShake · 28/07/2016 18:18

He's crying because it's all about him and his tragedy. He's so misunderstood and too good for this cruel world, why are people so judgmental about men who beat their partners and children's mothers black and blue? It's just a bit of near murder, what about him?

Garbadgeman · 28/07/2016 18:50

OP please listen to the advice here and stop giving him warning that you're thinking of leaving, it really isn't safe for you to do so. The combination of him being in the pub and overly emotional because you've told him you want to split up is making me nervous too, ayeok's experience is sadly not unusual and I'm genuinely worried for you tonight. If you really can't get out now, before he gets home you're going to have to play a clever game to ensure things don't escalate if he comes back drunk and be ready to call the police immediately if he starts kicking off. Assuming it doesn't blow up tonight and you can get through the weekend you have an ideal opportunity next week while he's away to get organised and leave safely, please don't waste the chance. It's so easy to minimise when you're in the midst of an abusive relationship but he really could kill you next time, you have to do this for DS if you can't do it for yourself. I know it's all tangled up in your mind, it's so hard to separate the way things have ended up from your feelings about the man you thought he was and/or wanted him to be but it's surprising how quickly your mind clears and you see the situation for what it really is once you're out of it. It's ok to be sad about the loss of what you wanted this relationship to be but you have to face the fact that the reality is a long way away from that, you're in danger and so is your son, you have to get out.

LilacInn · 28/07/2016 18:54

What activity this weekend do you want your toddler to attend tgat is so much more important than getting him out of that godforsaken situation?!

Seriously wtf.

Original poster
WhoGivesAFlying · 28/07/2016 18:56

I will leave, but my son is looking forward to this weekend. I could stay at home and let them all go but I don't want to leave DH with all three so soon. He said no one will have a good time if im not there.....what a load of shit! What he means is, is he won't be able to swan off with his 15 yr old son to do what they want while I'm left with dsd and ds. He won't do anything, I can tell.

OP posts:
ChanelNo314 · 28/07/2016 18:58

My x was physically abusive at times (mostly financially, verbally and emotionally though) and despite hurting me, he still never left such an obvious bruise on me. He must have hit you so so so hard. Shock You poor thing. I'm glad you have evidence. Please think about going to the police.

You deserve to live in peace. When you leave you will only wish that you had done it sooner. It's a big step, for some reason. It seems like a scary step for some reason, but you have to start the rest of your life sooner rather than later. I wish you so much strength and resilience and good fortune later in life. I'm 9 years post apocalypse now and things get better when you leave. x

ChanelNo314 · 28/07/2016 18:59

Don't call him 'D' H.

Call him H.

Brew
ChanelNo314 · 28/07/2016 19:01

Please just slip away while you can. Then come back later with a friend to get your stuff.

My x also assaulted me when I was trying to escape. It's true what they say. They do go mad when they see you trying to leave. Ridiculous because being flung to the floor and having a clump of my hair torn out in his rage did not make me think I was doing the wrong thing. But there you go, they are all predictable. It is text book. It will escalate..