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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

This is a sure way to start an argument!!

189 replies

WhoGivesAFlying · 27/07/2016 22:21

I go to try an arrange something for us to do at the weekend (or anything) for when his kids are here so they aren't bored out their brain again and when I try to get a straight answer he says "I don't want an argument" Angry Angry like I fucking do? Just say yes or no! Make one decision for once in your life ffs! He want to leave everything to me (even opening his mail) but when I need an answer I'm "harassing" him! Arrrrrrrrrrr!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 28/07/2016 19:01

You won't leave. Not this time.

You are still prioritising weekend activities over the rest of your son's life.

It's OK. Apparently (depending on what sources you read) it can take up to nine attempts for women to leave abusive relationships. You are that cliché, I am afraid. You relish the fact he is "close to tears". You still want him to wake up and understand how wring he has been. Not. Going. To. Happen.

You still think your son is better off in this family unit even though it is damaging to him. None of anything we can say will change that for you

I think you are going to have to learn the hard way. I hope I don't read about it on the news.

Original poster
WhoGivesAFlying · 28/07/2016 19:03

LilacInn I don't want to put myself so would rather not say. My sd loves his sibling to bits, and I know while all of us are together all will be ok. I'm biding my time for now. I've had enough, I'm sompissed if and angry, how have I become a door mat? How have I allowed these children to dictate my life? (It's not them, it's thier Disney dad) I am wicked stepmother/crap wife all in one. I was so angry with him today, not as angry as a fortnight ago, but look how that ended. Time to get a back bone whohives!!!!

OP posts:
ChanelNo314 · 28/07/2016 19:05

True.

OP. His tears don't matter. The rest of your life, your son's safety, that's what matters. While you're still giving thought to his alleged upset, you're not ready to leave. :-/

Can you go to the gp and make sure your bruise is on record and say you aren't ready to leave yet but that one day you hope to be brave enough to report it.

AnyFucker · 28/07/2016 19:06

Your "backbone" is going to gain you a beating. You need to get away, not take him on. You can't win this.

The way you get the better of him is to completely remove yourself from the situation.

ChanelNo314 · 28/07/2016 19:07

They will all blame you for everything to begin with but absent yourself from their lives and over time it will become more and more ridiculous if they attempt to blame you.

Whatever you thought you can't miss this weekend, by monday, there'll be something arranged for wednesday, then by Thurssday there'll be something arranged for the weekend.

There's never a good time. I walked out the door knowing that friends would be wondering where I disappeared to. You've just got to go while it's safe and then sort the rest out later

Original poster
WhoGivesAFlying · 28/07/2016 19:14

I'm going to do that Any but I need to sort this my way....i need to think

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 28/07/2016 19:16

OK. You will get there.

Original poster
WhoGivesAFlying · 28/07/2016 19:20

I'm so confused, what happened to the man I loved, the man who would protect me. The man who would hate to see me cry and would show me little gestures of love. I still love that man. I so want him to come back. All I see is resentment and indifference to any emotion I may have. If I'm angry, he shouts louder, if in upset, he gets pissed off or rolls his eyes. It wasn't always that way, we were in love, god I feel so sad now. Where has my my best friend gone. I have no friends now my family have distanced themselves since they heard about all this and I don't blame them. They can't condone my choice

OP posts:
Original poster
WhoGivesAFlying · 28/07/2016 19:25

I just want my son and I to have a nice quiet life. With routine and stability. I don't want to miss out on one thing with him but I guess that's better than this (for him).

OP posts:
Original poster
WhoGivesAFlying · 28/07/2016 19:26

I'm going to text DH that I'm looking the door at 10. Anything after that he will be very drunk, and that's how the arrest came about

OP posts:
ScrambledSmegs · 28/07/2016 19:26

Please be very careful tonight. He's drinking, he's already told you he's emotional - if you really aren't going to leave now keep out of his way as much as possible and forget about that backbone for tonight. Your priority is keeping you and your son alive.

I'm sorry to sound dramatic but this is exactly the time that an abusive man is most dangerous. Only in the last couple of weeks, a man on my PIL's street murdered his wife and killed himself because she was leaving him. It's often the flashpoint for these men, when they feel they have nothing left to lose.

Original poster
WhoGivesAFlying · 28/07/2016 19:27

*locking

OP posts:
Original poster
WhoGivesAFlying · 28/07/2016 19:30

scrambled I've said we will talk next week so I think he's ok. He thinks we are going to get through this but has told me he's probably going on a bender.....that's my worry, that's why I'm locking the door at 10

OP posts:
ayeokthen · 28/07/2016 19:32

Your family and friends have been pushed out by this bastard, it's not your fault or theirs. Isolation is classic abuser tactics, as is making you feel like your feelings don't matter and making you question yourself and your self worth. It's how they make you stay. Your life will improve a hundred fold if you get away from him and his manipulation and violence. I'm begging you OP, leave now. Don't tell him, just wait til he's out (for at least an hour) pack what you and your DS need (clothes, medications, cuddly toy etc) and go to the police station. They will help you escape. Don't tell him you're going and don't drag your feet over material things, just pick up and go. Material things can be replaced, you and your son can't. Please please get out, he's about to come home drunk and emotional. I am literally terrified for you.

Original poster
WhoGivesAFlying · 28/07/2016 19:46

ayeokthen bar photos and sentimental things I couldn't give a shit about stuff. I've moved 27 times last count and have left material things behind many a time.

Do you believe someone goes out to do this to another person? I said further post that he had never done this to his ex before, and another poster said well that's maybe why they didn't last, but in fact they actually lasted a lot longer than we have they were together for 12 years, we are coming up 8. He also said that he never married her because he didn't love her, and that he married me because he knew he always love me.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhoGivesAFlying · 28/07/2016 19:47

I guess my point is it can't always be manipulation can it?, sometimes things just go wrong I guess

OP posts:
Original poster
WhoGivesAFlying · 28/07/2016 19:50

When he left me in March I applied for child tax credit's, I got the form through but never filled in and returned it because he came back. Do you think they will apply again? I want to keep the house. I have an interview on next week so hopefully I'll be in a good position.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhoGivesAFlying · 28/07/2016 19:56

Spoke to DH, he's not so emotional now as he has a friend with him. He didn't really want to talk at all and did the usual "can't talk, got to go".... So much for remorse. I guess a leopard never changes its spots.

I want to say here. This is my sons home, even if my DH did say that if he died he would happily see me the ds move out just so his kids could get their inheritance. Even if that meant council accommodation!!!! This is my point about him prioritising his other two children above his third child. They have a home they have stability. If thier da dies they stay where they are, if my sons dad dies he has to move out of everything he's ever known.

OP posts:
ayeokthen · 28/07/2016 20:04

Sorry, I didn't mean to imply you were materialistic OP, it came out completely wrong. I do think they do it deliberately, my XH did it to the one before me and the many since me have put up with it too. His current fiancé is wearing my old engagement ring and has gone from being a happy, bubbly, confident girl to a downtrodden, anxious woman afraid to lift her eyes from the floor. Whether he did it to his ex or not (his word that he didn't!) he's doing it to you and that's the important thing here. Tax credits will help, go to the CAB they can help you with finances. Do you think he'd let you stay in the house? Wouldn't a clean break be better?

Supercali3228 · 28/07/2016 20:11

Hello OP, good to see you're still posting but I'm so worried for you. I'm actually praying for your safety and your sons safety. I see that you are grieving the loss of the good relationship you had with your H. Sounds like you have some really nice memories there of the good times. Unfortunately though he can't control his anger and he is physically stronger than you and your young son. His tears are likely to turn to anger with the alcohol, you must know this better than me.
Not sure I could face pitching up to a police station on my own of an evening but could you at least pack a little overnight stuff for you and your little boy and get yourself to A&E?
They can photo your bruises and link you up with police liaison and discuss options, they also have security there if your H comes looking for you all riled up.
Just do that and it might at the very least send a message to him that to hit you like that is not ok. Not ok at all.
Be safe, God bless and keep posting if you can. Xx

TentPegsAndWetWipes · 28/07/2016 20:14

ayeo
I know what you mean about down-trodden when you see something up.
But happily I've seen the reverse too - a woman that looks tight-lipped, untrusting and untrustworthy, hardened - dare I say it - unlikeable....
Then they get away from that f*cker... and within days flower into the most gorgeous, happy, smiley attractive women they are meant to be, suddenly clear about their potential..
Then a couple of months pass, their life is on a roll and they say 'I saw him the other day - and I couldn't believe I was in love with him - the uptight shortarse'
Honestly OP, when you leave(or get him removed), you will surprise yourself with what you are capable of achieving without this oppressor holding you back.

Hissy · 28/07/2016 20:22

Listen.

This is about as serious as it gets.

He is getting tanked up, brewing his anger and panic (it's fake) in order to give himself a reason to batter you.

You were told not to tell him about leaving. You told him. This places you at great risk.

He strangles you. This places you at the highest risk of being murdered by him.

He already has a criminal record for battering you and that has not stopped him.

Get the fuck out NOW.

Your sons weekend is secondary to your existence. This man will kill you, you get this? He will kill you.

Call Womans aid now. Call the police Dv team NOW and tell them that you are at risk and need help to get away.

Garbadgeman · 28/07/2016 20:25

I would go for a clean break too ayeok, abuse is so often about control and I wouldn't want to retain any links that might give him the impression he still had any control over me. Any contact with DC would be supervised only due to his violence and I would hope and pray he would resent the supervision so much he would quickly give up and relinquish contact altogether. I don't believe in the idea which seems to be prevalent these days that a relationship between DC and NRP should be maintained at all costs, contact with an abusive parent is not in the best interests of the child because, even if the abuse is not directed at the child, the toxicity rubs off on them regardless. As for what happened to the man you loved OP, I'm sorry to say he probably never existed, this side of him was always there but he would never have managed to suck you in if he'd shown it too early. You have to take the blinkers off, the real him is depicted all too clearly in those photos of your poor bruised arms and all the other sides of himself he shows you to keep you confused and questioning how the man who loves you could do that to you are an illusion. It's ok to be sad, to grieve for the man you thought he was but don't be fooled into thinking you're living with that man, he's shown you who he really is now and that person is not safe for you or your son to be around.

ayeokthen · 28/07/2016 20:26

I agree with Tentpegs, you can't imagine it just now but believe me it gets better. Only after I left did my dad admit it had broken his heart seeing his "feisty, sassy, spirited, cheeky daughter turn into a miserable, anxious, jumpy shadow of her former self." He couldn't tell me before because I wouldn't have listened. You are strong enough to do this, for you and for your boy. And you are lovable, you are worth more than you know. Even though you've been ground down so much and don't believe, you are important, you do matter and you are special.

TentPegsAndWetWipes · 28/07/2016 20:30

OP
These posters are right you know.

He fits into a pattern - so do you... and the outlook is not good if you don't take action now.

Maybe you could even call the police now and explain the situation and ask for them to be on alert tonight? I understand the feeling of wanting to close your eyes and it will all be over... but it won't be.

You need to be brave. And you can be brave.
We are all thinking of you.

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