Brave Babes Battle Bus - Holding our heads up like thistles

[MaryMungoAndMidgies]

I bit the bullet - Come on in, excuse the faint whiff of dog!

The last thread

Beautiful pups lala and crotchet! And lala she does look like a (very) mini wolf!

I've gone to default mode I'm afraid , two bottles of wine in the fridge. Sorry. I have the gp in the morning though, so also have to be careful about not breathing stale wine at her (again) I know I'm being kept an eye on

Shopping is a good idea (paying off credit card would be more sensible but dull!). Or a massage or something. Will have a think. Still crying randomly which is a bit pathetic. Been quite low and 'flat' the last couple of weeks and thought going away would help. Gah sorry, got to stop with all the self pity now, not a good characteristic I know. Thanks for the messages, hope your all having a good evening. lala sounds like you could do with an early night!

Thanks for the dog love!
elba I felt a bit (very) flat and weepy during my initial 2 weeks AF, I'm sure (although I can't be bothered at the moment to look it up!) that it's part of the withdrawal process. I guess if I'd stuck it out I'd have got over it eventually, but I succumbed to the wine witch.
I'm not drinking anything like I did though, having some AF days and if drinking try to moderate and stick to a couple of glasses.
It's working for me at the moment.
Good luck with the GP.

wry lovely how are you and the bairn doing tonight?

crochet its definately part of the withdrawal/cutting down process...Ive found I have a toddler mode whenever I've gone past about three days! You are doing brilliantly by the way xx and good luck at the dentist (much rather have the gp!)

I can't work out what's what at the moment... I was drinking heavily on a daily basis, almost without exception, since I was a teenager (with binges on top of a heavy 'baseline' of a bottle plus a night) until a few months ago. Big mental health history too, probably preceding the drinking. But functioning, often clinging on a bit, but (almost) always managing. Had good and bad phases throughout, but always with a heavy background level of alcohol. This year ive made the most significant changes alcohol wise...huge really in comparison to how I was, but I now can't work myself out at all. Don't know if the MH stuff was made worse by alcohol (probably was), if some of it would of been avoided if I hadn't drank so much. Or if I have been drinking because of it. Don't know if how I feel now is tiredness, a lot less booze, seasons changing (always effects me) or what... Wish I could recalibrate myself somehow and just start again... Don't have a baseline to work off.

Oh and friend now not sure and may be able to go away with limited dates...people should realise I am not emotionally mature enough to handle anything (literally) and just not raise expectations to begin with...

Gah elba friend sounds flakey as feck... I think you do what you think is best ignoring credit card bills is what I do

I can hear little pup barking (2 floors down). Wondering whether to go to her or not, she was all settled in bed about half an hour ago. My mother has just got back from a month away, and has already criticised absolutely everything. Can't wait for the flat with mr l. Although it's going to be damn hard to hide my drinking...

lala maybe in a way it could help with the drinking? At least you will have a live in distraction

Friend not usually flakey, but she's getting married next year maybe this is just the end of girly holidays for me and I need to grow up. Stupid thing to be focusing on really. And I'm drubk after one bottle which I'm trying to think of as good as most people would be surely??

Bonjour, mes amies. Last night I was asked if I would like some wine with dinner. Mais bien sûr! Bottle produced, a glass each poured out and then my friends switched to water, while the half full bottle sat tantalisingly on the table!!! I managed a small top up and then it was corked and put back in the fridge. This is normal isnt it? At home, I would have drunk the whole bottle by myself

Hi babes it's me claret from the dim and distant past!! Just dropping in to say hi, lala your pup is just the most gorgeous little thing ever. And Elba - from the snippets I've read it seems like you are doing so well! Keep it up.

I'm ok, dh is still all over me like a hawk every time I drink which although a pain it does make me accountable. I managed 16 days dry last month and am on 6 so far this month. Aiming for a sensible month before it all goes to sh*t on a 2 week holiday next month! Keeping on keeping on though babes.

Often think of you all

ma i always find other people's drinking habits eye opening. When I was at my friends the other week they debated opening a bottle of fizz they had in the fridge but decided it would be too much for the three of us to finish I didn't say that I could easily down the whole thing, and more They drink maybe twice a month, but think nothing of spending £15 or so on a really good bottle of wine and savour it. Wish I could do that!

claret lovely to hear from you! Sounds like your doing well, 16 dry days is fab!

Hungover and anxious today- ive not missed this feeling. Back from doctors (I think I have the worlds nicest gp). Been referred to gastro though, probably for an ogd (endoscopy, camera down throat job-that will be fun) due to ongoing reflux/pain issues. A bit freaked out that it may be all self inflicted, either from drinking or years of on and off eating issues. I'm only 31, it's a bit scary that I'm possibly already seeing health issues like that from what's in reality years of abusing my body.

elba and ma you've hit the nail on the head for me - some people can just have one glass. For me it's torture. I start wondering halfway through the first if there's going to be another, and if there isn't I'm miserable as sin. I sometimes watch a film with a friend who pours us tiny thimblefuls of wine and she'll give me slightly more because she admits she's a 'lightweight', but I sit there with my thimbleful-and-a-half and it ruins the evening for me. That's not normal, is it?

coffee no it's not 'normal' as such, but it's very common. I'd think most of us here are the same. I'm slowly, and somewhat very reluctantly, coming to the conclusion that for me at least it's just so much easier not to start.

coffee hi sorry we've not met but just read your post - torture is the perfect word for it. I almost hate having just one glass more than I hate not having anything! It sets the chain of shall I shan't I off in my head and its bloody agony.

You are most certainly not alone.

claret!!!! So lovely for you to check in. And congrats on your 16 dry days...! Go for 17 in September? Oh and I know the pup is gorgeous, she is just a nightmare with it. Yap yap yap. She is getting better though... Check in more often please. Xx

elba how are you faring this evening, you darling, you...?

coffee it's horrid isn't it? I am exactly the same as you.

Everyone else, I hope you are all well. Bonjour to ma.

Got to run, mr L is back. And will be around all weekend. I met this news with a sense of doom, how am I supposed to get my alcohol fix with him constantly around. Wtf is wrong with me, I love him to bits, but yet am plotting my wine fetching journies already I am a complete fool. Got home from work and literally downed a bottle of wine. I am sick and tired of living like this .

Anyway, I will try and check back in later, love to all

haven't managed to catch up with everyone today, but this caught my eye
Quote from elba "This year ive made the most significant changes alcohol wise...huge really in comparison to how I was, but I now can't work myself out at all. Don't know if the MH stuff was made worse by alcohol (probably was), if some of it would of been avoided if I hadn't drank so much. Or if I have been drinking because of it. Don't know if how I feel now is tiredness, a lot less booze, seasons changing (always effects me) or what... Wish I could recalibrate myself somehow and just start again... Don't have a baseline to work off."

elba I feel much the same, since I drastically reduced the booze intake I feel tired and very flat, but can't work out why. I gave little enthusiasm for anything. I thought I would/ should feel wonderful but I don't. It's not bloody fair. Is it the chicken or the egg?
I am sleeping better though, and waking up without a hangover most mornings, which has to be good.

OH is away for a long weekend, which in the past would have meant a wine fest for me, instead, today I have scrubbed the downstairs loo, and the utility room, and done lots of other -boring- chores.

I will have a glass of wine tonight, but as I only have half a bottle in the fridge, and it's 3 miles to the nearest shop, that'll have to do!

crochet chicken or egg is just it really. Hope you're enjoying your evening to yourself!

lala the secret buying/drinking alcohol is such hard work (been there) isn't it? Have you considered telling mr l that your struggling, or do you not feel ready to?

Been asleep most of the afternoon was only going to have a half hour nap! Felt quite sick all day, probably due to drinking last night. Crazy appetite of last week has disappeared, had to force some pasta down as I've agreed to do a park run tomorrow morning. Last thing I feel like to be honest, but will drag myself there. Really not liking the dark evenings- I don't do winter well. So a bit of daylight excercise is probably a good thing. Still no idea if I'm going on holiday...I'm guessing not. Not had a drink, but the remainder of last nights wine is taunting me from the fridge....

Dark evenings are not good for me either elba, and living in the middle of nowhere with more streetlights makes it even worse! The last 2 years I have got really quite low in the winter, which if course, led to more self-medicating. I really need to get out and about more this year, have got a couple of activities lined up so far......
Hope the run goes well!

lala I've done the hiding stuff as well, it's not easy, you spend all your time thinking about when you can buy it, where you can hide it, how to dispose if the empties.....Do you think Mr L might distract you at all? 😉

This is a name change for a shameful admission regarding prescription painkiller addiction. Might as well go the whole hog & admit I have issues with alcohol as well. (That was much harder to type out than the original confession!)

I don't get hangovers. I don't know why, I sometimes feel a bit off colour or not quite right the next day, but hangovers don't hit me the way they hit others. So maybe I've convinced myself that because I'm not hanging over a toilet all weekend, I'm not affecting my family? I don't know. I just know that I have an unhealthy relationship with mind-altering substances.

I dearly wish I didn't. I assess my life, take this in to account, and feel like such a failure.

Welcome admit and well done on making that first post.We all have issues with alcohol on here, and we have had other Babes with drug related issues so you are not alone. You are NOT a failure. I don't know anything else about you but the fact you are struggling, have recognised that, and have had the courage to face up to it, tells me you have great inner strength.
Have a seat on the bus, hopefully someone will be along soon with breakfast. The service on here has gone sadly downhill since mouse stopped dropping in!

hands round bacon sarnies or scrambled eggs in case any of you are of the veggie persuasion

elba and crochet to be honest, mr L is partial to a drink or two himself, and I don't feel I can reveal the true extent of my drinking to him or anyone so far it has been relatively easy to hide, and he has only made one or two comments about how much I drank the night before I am a terrible person. Moving in together is hopefully going to rein in my crazy drinking. I should be happy, why do I feel the need to continuously poison myself with this shit? Anyway, hope you two lovelies are both ok.

Welcome to admit, you are in the right place, these babes are truly amazing (I am clearly crap so never listen to me, but always listen to ma, for she is wise...)

Right, enough self pitying rambling from me, need to take myself and my hangover off to see our flat again to gauge sizes for furniture etc.

Love to all.

Hi admit and well done for such a brave and honest post. I think alcohol problems often go hand in hand with other issues (other substances, eating issues etc) and you are definatly not alone. Do you have an idea what your aims are or how you want to address things? Keep posting...you have no reason to be ashamed, and there is no judgement here. You don't have to answer this of course, but I was wondering how much you are taking/ drinking?

lala maybe the change can be a bit of a new start in terms of drinking? I think sometimes big changes like moving can help trigger other changes if that's what you want. How about making a couple of realistic goals and sticking to them? Maybe you and mr l could plan a couple of AF days a week or something and do it together...you could frame it as a health thing without having to tell him too much? And if he likes a drink too it would benefit you both and maybe help build some new habits? Just a thought, feel free to ignore ️xxx

crotchet I have also got really low in the winter, and ditto the self medicating. It's a definate danger zone. Im pretty sure vitamin d has a big part to play, for me at least, so I think exercise outside could help. Problem is I go low, then all good intentions seem impossible anyway...maybe being proactive from the start (ie now) is the way foward. Hope your enjoying your weekend.

ma hope your enjoying your holiday!

Did a very wet parkrun this morning, but 40 seconds faster than last time (despite no exercise in between) so all good. Still much slower than I used to be, but I have something to aim for.

Been out for lunch too, and actually ate well (healthily) for once. This will sound weird but my latest weird food thing (from about March time) has been denying myself nutritious food (generally fruit and veg)...weird for a former anorexic to be comfortable with ice cream but guilty about a salad!! Been the same about exercise too...I think I got really low and suddenly decided that eating well and exercising were somehow self indulgent and not deserved. Dont fully understand it, and realise it sounds illogical. I think I'm just programmed to self destruct/sabotage. But it's no wonder that I'm feeling run down really- wouldn't even allow myself a multivitamin for a while (am now), I think constant hangovers were just hiding it. But it just feels like yet another thing I need to tackle.

Thinking about trying to do sober October...scared at the commitment though. Anyone else thinking of doing it?

Welcome admit, this is a fantasic bus!
lala many hours late for the bacon sarnie, but thanks!
elba I have just bought a vitD supplement. I do get lots of outside excerise dog walking, but know that my friend who also walks / runs / gardens daily has been diagnosed as vitD deficient, so I think it's a good idea for me to supplement.
I'm having a lovely weekend without OH - what does that say??
I'm up for trying sober October if you are........

elba so very proud of you for your park run. A colleague once tried to get me to join, but I decided against it, the furthest I have run in the last twenty years is to the bus stop, and that was literally twenty metres away...

We went to look at our flat again today, it's so so so nice! And so it should be for the price...

Oops, got to run, mr l is coming back, will check in later, love you all. Here is Lala pup

crochet ok let's do it together. I can do 10 days so I can do a month right??! Maybe comitting to a longer period will help me work out what Im actually trying to achieve. Although having decided to go for it, I am now drinking wine which is bloody stupid considering I am at work for 13 hours tomorrow and it will be hell if last weekend is anything to go by. will compensate with a very early night.
Glad your having a good weekend, but sorry it's making you question things. Do you think its his drinking and you not? Sorry that doesn't sound like I meant it to, but couldn't get the words right!

lala I actually love running- it's the only sport ive ever been vaguely good at, being totally uncoordinated and accident prone. Lala pup is, as ever, gorgeous.

Definately no holiday...twin cuddles for the second week of my leave but need to plan the first to avoid it becoming a week long binge. Thinking of just booking stuff for the mornings but not sure what...need a haircut, fancy a massage, but what else?!?!

Elba Manicure, pedicure, facial, reflexology......... You will be so bloody gorgeous by the end of that week! 👄
Yes let's do the dry October together, doing it together will feel easier, hopefully others will join in.

And you're right about my OH I think, it is his drinking and not me, I think that maybe we were drinking partners rather than life partners, he really doesn't like that I'm not drinking or moderating. If we're not drinking together we don't have a lot in common. I need to think it all though properly.

That said, I'm on the vino tonight too.

Manicure is a fab idea...no nail varnish allowed for work so it's a novelty. No one is touching my feet though even I struggle with that (ridiculously ticklish!)

I think (having been on the other side of the equation, so to speak) that having someone close that drinks at the same level as you somehow justifies your own drinking. Conversely, them stopping makes you face (or realise and try to avoid!) things you don't want to address. And I guess from your point of view trying to address your drinking with him still drinking around you means your thinking of things from a different (sober) viewpoint. Drinking (at a safe level) is sociable, but in excess it totally changes the dynamics of friendships and relationships. So I would think its natural that you are looking at things from a different perspective, but also don't underestimate how much the changes in drinking habits will be affecting you in terms of your emotions etc at the moment too. Are you able to speak to him about it much, and do you think he'd want to cut down with you?

Elba, no he wouldn't want to cut down, he doesn't see the need. He works on the principle that as long as he can function, he can drink. He has lots of (possibly) alcohol related health problems, acid reflux, ibs, heartburn....but he buries his head in the sand and doesn't believe that reducing the red wine intake might help. If he sees the GP he massively underestimates his drinking - as do I! I am a (just) retired HCP (yes I know, I should practice what I preach!) and have suggested that some of his issues may be alcohol related, but he really will not accept any responsibility for his health problems.
It's really difficult, I don't want to be preachy with him, (and can't be cos I'm still drinking) , but it's almost like he's being oppositional and drinking more to show me that he can. I don't know. Need to think it through, not tonight though.