Anyone up? DH is leaving me follow up thread. Onit's on it!!

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

Link to my last thread.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2658829-Anyone-up-DH-is-leaving-me?msgid=62446916

Absolutely shelve conversations about long term contact arrangements. This is not the time. Get the financial sorted out, get moved, get the work situation sorted, get dd settled into term school. Then discuss.

If he insists, you can reasonably make the point that he has no reason to think you will restrict access as you have not so far.

he has no reason to think you will restrict access as you have not so far.
& he chose to leave. Any fallout was of his making

Onit, make it work for you on your terms clearly with the DCs best interests at heart. Life will be interesting when he has to juggle a drunken gf ............ you won't be wanting the DC around that & she won't want them cramping her 'style'. He just wants to pay minimum maintenence so there's more 'fun' money for them. It'll never last! Keep it up , you're bloody amazing

I definitely don't think you should play your hand custody wise until all signed in terms of financial agreement.

It was a smart plan-stick to it.

I can't see how you can make long term custody plans anyway.
There's two people whose voices need to be heard in this.
In a few years there own wants and wishes need to be taken into account.

In five years time when they become more independent they might have things they want to do. Take up activities, see their friends . It shouldn't be set in stone at this stage but should be fluid enough to accommodate the wishes of your children.

At 11 I would have been very upset to be told what I was doing, where I was going on a Saturday for example.

I had a lovely nana and one I wasn't keen on even at a tender age. On the rare occasions I had to be looked after by the one I wasn't keen on I hated it. I hated her creepy house. Thankfully it wasn't every weekend. I think there would have been a few tantrums from me if it had been

I would make sure any contact arrangements have your children's wishes taken into account.

You are doing so right thinking ahead for them now and fighting for them.

My grandchildren ( the he ones aged 12, 9 and 6 ) had a day in yesterday. I've been away for 2 weeks and said to my daughter aw, you should have brought them round to see me (she takes them here, there and everywhere doing interesting stuff, ) to which she replied that she didn't think she could get them out of the house. So be prepared for all of that and try to build that into any future contact plans. I'm sure you will.

You're bonnet and you're onit ;-)

Good on you with the starting on the packing and the new bed onit...all great progress.

Sorry you're going through this. Agree with other posters that you should not feel pressured to agree to long term access arrangements at present and that this should be discussed alongside other matters, perhaps in mediation.

His proposal wouldn't be fair on you in terms or weekends. I personally think, however, that it's U to try to rule out an overnight visit during the week while DC "settle into school". Get that it's hard, but that reason doesn't really stack up IMO and he's their father. It's the holidays now and the overnight visits could start before school starts.

Dozer don't forget Onit in Scotland and they go back to school on the 17th August so they only have a couple of weeks, then they are moving in another 3/4 weeks so it's a lot of new routines in a short period of time for small children.

Ah OK, yes, understand that there's a lot of change at one time, but unless there are other factors (eg ex has nowhere suitable for DC to stay) it does seem important that DC have plenty of time with him too. the change to overnight stays on school nights will need to happen pretty soon anyway, since OP is rightly not planning to withold access and understandably dislikes her ex's proposal for the end of each week.

Just wanted to say you are a strong woman and have conducted yourself admirably in the face of heartache, lies and deception. Good luck with all ur negotiations xxx

Dozer he has had lots of contact during the holidays. He has only one day a week where he doesn't see them at the moment.
Tbh if it wasn't for all the change in one go I probably would concede a midweek overnight but not during first term. My ds had/has lots of anxiety issues and I'm anticipating difficulties. He, more than anyone, needs stability and a chance to settle. They are also still very young. It seems whatever he wants is based on "fairness" but it's to the detriment of the DC.
I'd much rather go in with room to flex up if it seems feasible with whatever reactions we have from them, than to have them forced into a contact schedule which prolongs their settling into a whole new family routine/environment.

I won't be pressured into signing any contact agreement before I return to work. How he expects me to know how anything about how that's going to look

I'm thinking I'm going to insist on some kind of mediation.
While I'm actually looking after our DC, trying to get our future and current living arrangements organised and dealing with my own emotional issues with this split, he has time to dissect my rota into percentages of time spent between us. And construct reasons why I'm unreasonable and how his home is the more stable and nothing's changing there but it's my doing that their will be upheaval in their family home.

I'm thinking I can't keep the information about the messages I've seen to myself for much longer. He needs to know the reasons I don't trust him with my DC and why I think he is an irresponsible person.

I am so worried about the fall out from that though.
I probably need to get some more legal advice.

Mediation might be good, when you're ready.

What do you mean you can't trust him with the DC?

dozer I've seen a series of messages between him and ow where they discussed leaving my then 4 year old dd alone in the house so he could go and see her.
That he cared more about not seeing ow than the fact my ds was in hospital for 2 nights.

Fairness. He's talking about 'fairness' to him I suppose? Well it's actually about fairness for the children, not him.

Yes, he's behaved abominably, and he really let the DC down, and can understand why you're concerned about his recent judgment and priorities, but I don't think the emails/prioritising OW etc,while shit parenting, would justify seeking to limit his overnights with the DC.

Sorry to chip in (I was on the other thread) but if he's considered leaving your child alone to visit ow or for any reason really, I'd certainly not trust him to have overnight contact.

Your doing so well •onit*

Dd was 8 months when we split. My lads were 18,16 and 12.
Dd is the only one who has really maintained a relationship with xh (all facilitated by me) but his lifestyle and manner have lead to her being less and less interested In him. He has 4 dc with the previously ow and although she adores them, gets sick of trying to get a scrap of his attention and watching the nice parties he throws for them while she gets a tenner in a card.

In summary, she's seen the truth without my help and has taken her own decision to reduce contact.
She's 14.

"but it's my doing that their will be upheaval in their family home."

What ? he left you, & you are moving because he wants his equity...
You are going back to work, because you have to, & its what he always wanted.

How is the upheaval your fault?
Tell him & to go & FOTTFSOF

I would be concerned too, but unless you can prove that he actually did leave the DC alone it seems unlikely a court would deem it necessary to limit overnight contact.

Have you had legal advice on whether you need to move OP?

I'm sure there will be fall out once he knows you've seen the messages. I think he needs to know that you are aware of what he planned to do, and that it is unacceptable. He clearly couldn't work that out for himself.

You're so right to not get contact sorted officially yet. He's got a bloody cheek! Walking away and leaving your life and the lives of your DC in chaos, which you are working hard to smooth over. And whilst you are doing that he has the nerve to be bleating about bloody access?? He needs to take a step back and appreciate all that you've had to deal with, no thanks to him, and how difficult it's been for you do do all of that when he kindly pulled the rug out from under your feet.

I've had enough!
We should have our financial agreement signed off within the next couple of weeks I think, then I'm going to pay for a lawyer to handle the contact side of things.
I'm sick of spending time reading his shitty emails and trying to respond without sounding like I'm a loon.
I am not responding anymore.
I cannot discuss my DC with a man who's idea of putting his DC first is so far removed from my own.
And I think if I do I've more chance of having my opinion listened to.
Not sure how I'll pay for it thought

Are you confident the financial settlement is fair Onit? Given that you haven't had legal advice etc.

Perhaps one of you (him?) could look into mediation?

I've suggested mediation but he doesn't want to do it.
Presumably because he's trying to save money. I'm sure he's not got much to spare atm what with 2 houses, 2 DC and a wife to support. And a girlfriend to impress. I know he's spent at least £250 on her in the last month.
He agreed at the start of summer to pay for our family holiday. When I asked last week if I should put things on a credit card so he could see what we'd spent, he tried to backtrack saying he'd already given me enough to cover it.
We have a 9 hour drive to get to our holiday and the air con in the car has run out. I asked for extra to fix it so the DC aren't suffering in the back of a hot car (he knows it's not me who wants it. I would much rather be warm) and he says he can't justify it so I need to decide if I want to pay for it.
On paper I have money. But I'm about to move into a house which needs God knows how much spent in it to fix the roof and replace the 20+ year old kitchen and the rest.
I will pay for the air con as its for the DC but i honestly thought it'd take longer for him to start refusing to pay for extras.
In a few short months I will be very cash poor compared with him and it worries me greatly that my DC will suffer because he thinks I'm greedy and grabby.

Are you buying a house? Is that a good idea before the financial settlement is sorted out?

You could suggest mediation once again, in writing (email) and when you do mention that you have suggested this before. you could also seek legal advice about how best to get the financial settlement that's fair to you (and the DC) and concluded.

I suspect he might well delay things with the finance matters, eg to argue that he should get more time with the DC and hence pay less maintenance. And he's showing you that you can't count on him to pay even for things he'd promised. So (sadly) best assume further problems with the money stuff.

The family home has sold. I've had an offer accepted on a house for me and DC. He won't go back on out agreement so far as the house sale will fall through and he doesn't want lumbered with paying my mortgage for years as it means he won't be able to get one or save a deposit.
I'm convinced he will go ahead with it as he tried calling my bluff when we got the offer and when I suggested I'd stay put he freaked out!
But he has been trying to force something about custody into the financial settlement im sure in order to use the money as a weapon. Because he assumes I'll use my DC the same way.
His powers of projection are phenomenal

Please, Please do not sign any financial agreement without having a smart lawyer read it all thoroughly and advise you!! Please. There is probably a reason why he doesn't want to involve lawyers: he's trying to put one over on you! Lawyer - now; it's already very late in the game.