Anyone up? DH is leaving me follow up thread. Onit's on it!!

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

Link to my last thread.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2658829-Anyone-up-DH-is-leaving-me?msgid=62446916

LCB suits him perfectly

Get him to play it by ear. You don't need to fix it straight away I wouldn't have thought. Just make out you'll be open and flexible. Needs and desires of the kids will change over time. Will he live close to you?

He live 5 minutes from me now and about the same from our new place.

I honestly think there's no reason why we can't just organise it as we go. Especially since what we're living through now is so false (school hols, career break, etc)

He irrationally thinks I'm going to stop him from seeing the DC.
He doesn't see that I rationally KNOW that he's removing them from me! I'm the injured party here and the one who's being forced to live without my DC for a portion of my life.
HE FUCKING CHOSE THAT!!!!
When is he going to understand that I DONT WANT TO SPEND ANYTIME WITHOUT MY DC!!!
But he's removed that choice from me. Cunt 😡

That sounds so painful, OP. I'd resent him too. However, I do think that the children are likely to handle the separation better if, looking ahead, they know exactly when they'll be seeing their dad. This isn't for his benefit - it's for theirs.

I agree, think the kids will benefit from routine, even if that changes over time as they get older.

I don't mean I don't want routine. That is what I want but I don't want to agree to a set in stone arrangement while I'm in this bubble. And the DC are in this bubble.
I see no need for it to be so rushed. It's an extremely important and difficult decision and it needs more than a couple of weeks thinking about it.
He took 5 years to decide to leave me. That decision wasn't as big as how often my DC get to see their parents.

He told you he has been considering this for 5 years? Is this his first affair?

What a cock!

I got sick after having dd.
He said it was then his feelings started to change.
I gave him 2 wonderful DC who wrecked me mentally and physically and he resented me for needing him.
You're right. He is a cock.

He says it's his first affair.
I think I believe him.

A little to much effort for him huh!? Men genuinely don't think they have the same kind of responsibility as mothers. marriage vows are in sickness and health, and your illness is due to providing him with children - what a peach he is. Let's hope the ow gets struck down with the plague!

At the time I though the was a saint.
I guess in his eyes, as soon as I was able to go back to work, I should've been doing everything around the house and with him and DC again, but I wasn't.
I had energy for work (used to literally hobble to my car at the end of a shift) and for dealing with the dcs (basic picking up from nursery/school, feeding, homework, dinner, bath and bed stuff) but nothing left when he got home.
And he often got home to do bath and bed.
I guess, despite the fact I told him all the time, how sore I was, how knackered; he just didn't believe me. Resented that I was using my energy for other things. Oh, and the big bug bear, that if stay up watching telly till 10pm rather than going to bed.
If I was so tired, why did I not go to bed?
Maybe because, although it might not have been quality time, I did want to spend some of my day with my DH. Even if it was vegging in from of the tv.
I'm not sure what else I could've done tbh.
And I'm seeing that even if I'd tried to do more, he'd have found another reason to leave. Because by that point he didn't love OR respect me. That's how he said he felt at the time. Total projection. I made it very clear that I appreciated everything he did. But he didn't see me. He resented me. Presumably if I did anything which was for myself. And that wasn't much.
In 5 years since dd was born we've probably had less than 10 days/nights off as a couple. We've had nice times. Or I did.
I really hate that he was feeling this way and didn't tell me.
I don't think it's true. I mean, I knew the second he walked into our room the morning after he'd started his thing with ow. Literally in a split second, I went from being entirely secure in his loyalty, to knowing he wasn't. Just intuition.
I think Id've known if he'd checked out before then. Which is why it makes sense that he's constructed this narrative after the fact in order to justify his shitty behaviour.

Whatever. It's done. Can't be undone. And lots been said and done since that can't ever be forgiven. Or forgotten. At least I can't.

I agree with you custody / access needs to be readdressed after things have settled.

You and your dc are having to move home, this will be a big upset to your dc as they are moving from the home that know. And if I remember rightly your eldest dc is starting school as well, again another big change for them to cope with on top of everything else.

I would be telling LCB that you will not agree to any changes to the agreement until your children are settled both at their new home and school as this is what best for them.

I know he keeps going on about having them every weekend, this is unfair to you are you will not have any quality time them. You will only get the stroppy time when you are doing the boring stuff with them.

Nothing surprises me about the lengths people will go to to justify their own shitty behaviour anymore.sad but true.
You did nothing wrong.no one chooses to become ill and you clearly tried-to go back to work-to care for the kids-to spend time with him, when none of those things were easy.
Any man worth their daily would be applauding you for that, rather than telling you years later that it wasn't enough and then start ting an affair with someone who on the face of it sounds like a gargantuan waste of space.

Worth their daily? Daily what? Salt that was meant to say!!

I know he keeps going on about having them every weekend, this is unfair to you are you will not have any quality time them. You will only get the stroppy time when you are doing the boring stuff with them. Yes. But, even more importantly the children need to not leave their home every weekend, that is horrible not ever being able to just stay home at the weekend sometimes. Of course the adults want what they want, but actually the needs of the dc are the main reasons for not going to their dad's every weekend.

I just had this pop up on my newsfeed. This is like me.
How I wish my husband was this woman's husband

hypothyroidmom.com/guilt-the-worst-symptom-of-chronic-illness/

Started packing tonight.
Made a pile of books and DVDs for LCB. He's coming on Friday for 'a look round' to see what he can take.
I offered but it all feels a little nasty and intrusive now.
He has some bigger things to take too but he'll need a friend and a van. I've said not when the DC are around but also that I want to be here. He originally suggested while me and DC are on holiday but I said no way. I don't want him and his friends wandering around my house unsupervised. And I can't imagine why he thinks is agree to that .
He was complaining about being hard up too. Like I give a shit that in the very short term he might have issues. He can afford to take her with him on a business trip and splash out nearly £100 on theatre tickets. They're going away for a few days while I'm taking the DC away. That'll be another couple of hundred quid at least. That's in one month. I'm so unsympathetic. Why would he even mention it. It doesn't affect me or my DC. Poor him.

My ex was in my house yesterday (whilst kids and I are away looking after my sick father-stay classy). Said he 'd popped in to get his post.yep, so why did my neighbour (who is feeding the cat etc whilst we are away), find all the lights on upstairs and my bedroom window open then? God knows what he was looking for.... be good to get rid of his stuff onit...I've still an attic and half a garage full of exh's shit.i am giving him til September then it's going to the tip.

Mine left behind all the stuff he didn't want.
A friend came and packed it and it went in the garage.
A couple of years later I was cleaning out the loft ( prior to DH number two moving in) and hired a skip and it all went in there.

The lazy fat cane toad couldn't even be arsed to shift his own shit!
Grrr!

We got to the point where we couldn't see each other without an argument.

His favourite last words were always...see you in court!

Well he did and he later felt he'd been shafted!

Scuse me while I try to wipe thebiggrin off my face!

Is it worth changing the locks before your holiday? I'd bet that he'll be in to help himself and have a good look around.

If you don't change the locks the ow will be rifling through yours and dc belongings. But as lcb has proof of ownership of property, could he easily change the locks himself too?

I vote change the locks!

Yes, me too

And me. If he loses it you can always say you lost your keys somewhere and you felt they had identifying information with them so you changed the locks to be on the safe side and didn't have time to give him a spare key before you went away. You may have to give him one when you're back but at least he won't be there whilst you are away.its not a nice feeling!

I don't think he'd come in without my permission.
He suggested I et someone to chaperone him. Fanny! Like my friends want to waste their time to help him out
I just suggested he organise childcare for a time he has the DC and I'll be here to observe and make sure the fucker doesn't nick my laptop or rifle through my drawers looking for all his money I don't have