Anyone up? DH is leaving me follow up thread. Onit's on it!!

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

Link to my last thread.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2658829-Anyone-up-DH-is-leaving-me?msgid=62446916

hot I hope you had a chance to rant to a friend.
It was only after a phone call where i paced the floor putting 3k steps on my Fitbit that I managed to calm down. I have no advice other than that.
I've wasted the best part of a week on this motherfucker. Please don't do that.
Did you confront him about it? Does he think hes dad of the year, like LCB?

Do you know if LCB can renew his lease? or do you think he will move into hers? he will not want to pretend to live alone indefinitely. This has been a buffer period, an act or to show he behaves well, in the eyes of his parents, friends, kids & keeps you double guessing.
OWXH still hasn't given up on her returning, so maybe that isn't the next step?
If he intends to move, (most specifically in with her) you will need to know. Ultimately it will be impossible for you to dictate, who he sees or who he lives with sadly. You will need to discover what his plan is if you are adamant LCB keeps OW away from DCs.
Personally I think it is your business as you will be dealing with the fallout. However if you need a ruse you could ask re planning kids week end rota, if it will be continuing normally in January ? (as you have some things to fit in & need to know ) if he will be moving he may require certain dates free ?

I don't necessarily want to know his plans to dictate anything. It's more to weigh up the impact on DC.
I'd assume his lease will be renewable but, since he's got such money problems he might want to move to a cheaper place. That would obviously have an effect on DC.
I'm aware I can't tell him who can see DC but I'd be pretty concerned if he moved her in just a month after introducing the idea of her. How would he sell that as good parenting?

When we got together, we moved in together after 6 months.
He doesn't like being alone.
He's been working on her for months, he is very persuasive obviously.

You say, financially he is in difficulty, so it would suit him to share a places with OW.
He has known her for a long time now, for him it will get everything "settled".
We have all seen that he will be finding the right spin that Dcs will have to accept that you are separated, & everyone has the right to happiness.... bla-bla-bla. he will justify it to himself
Beware, he will say as YOU told DCs he had a new friend, it was YOU who started the ball rolling.....

He's following his pattern.
We were friends for years before we got together and when we did it moved pretty quickly.
He's known her for at least as long as he knew me.

Just because I introduced the idea of her doesn't mean I think my DC are ready to meet her or sleepover in her house. I did it because it was becoming clear that ds wasn't making sense of the situation. Though if LCB keeps fucking crying it's no fucking wonder. How does a 7 year old understand that daddy wanted to leave but is sad about it? That's so ridiculous. I'm sure LCB is working it as he probably has with his friends that it was my fault because I told him to go. Technically true but what was my alternative?
I am adamant they will not be in his care when she's around. She does not care about them. Not sure he does either, frankly, but he's their dad.

I'm seeing a mutual friend in a few weeks. Mine and ow's. Not sure if she's seen LCB.
I think I need to ask her if she knows what's being said about me. But I don't want to put her in the middle.
It is frustrating not knowing what he's saying to people. He knows what I'm saying about him because I'm telling the truth to them but, if he's telling the truth, why are these people not disowning him?
"I left my wife an kids because she was ill and I got sick all that in sickness and in health crap, so I decided to shag one of our friends and break up her marriage too. Poor me "
Why are his friends (who used to be my friends) not telling him he's a fucking knobend?

Maybe that's the question I should ask my friend. How can she still be friends with ow when she's essentially the person who broke up her marriage incarnate?
She must see that ow doesn't really value her friendship because, if she did, it would've been a consideration when weighing up the consequences of pursuing a relationship with my husband. No?

Oh, fuck it! Why am I even bothering. I might as well be asking how long is a piece of string because it's all pointless.
People will do what they do. With no thought to anyone else really.
I never realised how selfish people actually are and how fucking ridiculous it is to expect anyone to give a fuck about anyone that doesn't affect their daily life, even if that person is a friend.
It's all just so sad that the strangers on this thread care more about my DC than people who have watched them grow up from babies and spent time with them and have DC of their own and presumably can empathise with me. Do they all think I'm so evil I deserve what he's doing to me. To us.
Why can't he fucking see that what he does to me affects them. Or is that the crux? Push me till I break completely so he can take my DC away too? And then everything he did will be justified because, "I told you onit was crazy! Didn't I? Totally incapable of being a parent. Can't even look after my kids. Poor things are better off with me. And ow. Aren't we wonderful?"

Onit what you said about your husband not liking to talk, that he can write reports etc, not wanting to be alone, working on the OW for months. Jingscrivensanhelpmaboab hen - I can relate to all of that. My special snowflake is exactly the same.

So much so that just recently when I made my last attempt at him seeing the children I set up out meeting in a cafe. I didn't do it at home because I knew he'd be off like a shot as soon as something was said he didnt like - which would have been within minutes. And I knew if he'd be to much of coward to storm away from a table in public - his image is very important to him.

Anyway I had points written down on a bit of paper and I wove our talk around them - the result was he could hardly sit still. You would have thought he had a chair full of splinters sticking into him. But not only that he was sweating, and shaky, and was so out of sorts that at one stage he said to me - I still love you! I think it was to disarm me and I was having none of it. Meanwhile I sat there fully composed but to be honest to this day I dont know how I managed it. I really did think I would die if Id ever had to sit with him again. And I know I was composed because someone was waiting in another coffee shop just across the way, they couldnt be seen by my husband but they could see us and they said afterwards - dear god how did you manage that. Talk about fake it till you make it! Anyway, that day I got the measure of it all and it was the best thing ever, even though I did get punished for it a few days later when my son was used as a weapon to beat me up with. But you know what? That old saying of 'that says more about you than it does about me' - its my mantra now.

Onit, we cross posted .

I think I need to ask her if she knows what's being said about me. But I don't want to put her in the middle.
It is frustrating not knowing what he's saying to people. He knows what I'm saying about him because I'm telling the truth to them but, if he's telling the truth, why are these people not disowning him

Look, I would seriously advise you against asking anyone whats being said because it will be one of two things - its as bad as you think it will be, or he wont be saying anything. If its the former it will make you feel awful, and if its the latter you'll end up thinking oh god, I told people the truth, he has said nothing about me and now I must look bonkers.

For what its worth my husband hasn't said a bad word about me to anyone outside of our family. Its one of the reasons people were so shocked by whats happened and they'll in fact say - he always spoke about you with the greatest of respect and we all wanted what he seemed to have with you because it was all such a love story. And all he while he was living a double life no matter where he was in the world - The kind of double life movies are made of.

Where my husband has said things about me is to our sons. He tried to do that man to man thing with them and it was repeated to me by one of them. I can't tell you how it made me feel so I just said to my son oh really - well let me tell you something. I left him in no doubt whatsoever that his dad was just grasping at straws and not just because he needed ear bleach by the time I'd finished. I can take any amount of things being said about me, if theyre true, and lets face it we do all kind of know when things have a grain of truth about them but tell a lie about me, or say something that isn't factual and you had better look out. I just cannot do injustice.

Why do people still carry on with these people? I honestly dont know. I really dont. Ive had people, family, very firmly say to my husband Im sorry but there is no room in my life for your new life, but there are others like his very old friends who still carry on with him as normal whilst saying very clearly - he has lost the plot. Is it an age thing? I dont know. My husband is in his mid 60's. So are his friends. And just as its hard to be without someone you've been married to for so long, I think its also hard for them to not imagine a life without him in it - but its him they have the relationship with. No one else.

Does any of that help you?

ohdear does your xh have friends who believe his bullshit?
I'm curious to know how these arseholes maintain any kind of friendship when they've revealed themselves to be such selfish, hateful bastards.
God I wish I didn't have principles and I could enlighten his family and friends, instead of having to tiptoe around. I honestly can't wait till they're old enough to understand and I can finally let everyone see what he's like when the mask is off.
I actually want to destroy him. I have never felt hatred so pure.

Xpost again

You're right. Either answer is shitty.

Onit, so much has come out about my husband, and the life he leads now is considered to be so ridiculous that people really do see my husband in a very different light. I think they feel sorry for him because its all so ridiculous people do think he's lost the plot. But mind you he really does just have 2 or 3 of his old friends around now and they stick with him, even though he's moved away, because they fear for him My husband is now a very heavy drinker and is encourage in the lifestyle by the person he is now with to the extent he has an apartment next door to their apartment that he uses for drinking sessions, and for when his friends go to visit him. Whereas with me it was something I wouldn't put up with and my daughters told him - you need to ask yourself why she encourages you in this dad. But that aside my husband really does just surround himself with bottom feeders, synchophants, and fellow drinkers because they are the only ones who will tell him everything you did was ok. Its very much a case of in the land of the blind the one eyed man is king.

Im not sure if any of that will help you. I know you want me to be able to say he has been deserted by everyone but thats not the case. However, I do know for sure there is a generation thing going on in our situation - how do you break away from a man who's been your very close friend for 60 years and who you are now afraid for?

TBH the friendscwho have stuck by him are his school friends so they've known him for 30 years. Perhaps it's not so different. They're not around him on even a weekly basis, as far as I'm aware. They're all busy with their own lives and families and, when we were together we'd see most of them maybe twice a year. His best friend maybe a few times more.
They've obviously been around a bit more since the split but I'm sure his social circle is just as small as it was when we were together. He's lost a few very good friends, the group we met ow through has fallen to me though there may be a couple of those who will see them outwith that group, iykwim. The friend I'm seeing soon is one of those though I'm sure she won't entertain LCB.

I'm sure his sadness is because he's lonely. Ow works nights and weekends. He's obviously limited by having DC eow and after school 2 afternoons. Probably why he's after more time with DC to fill the void.

I read something today about how narcissists use their DC esp when they're young. They want DC as trophies then, when they grow up with their own thoughts and feelings, they discard them because they don't worship them anymore.
It's so sad. I need to protect them from him and I have no idea how to do that.

Onit

I've not posted for a little while because I couldn't add anything constructive and other more regular posters were saying what I felt far more eloquently than I could've managed but I wanted to let you know that I can imagine just how angry you are that LCB is blubbing to the DC's.

My ex was a great one for turning on the tears when he wasn't getting his own way or enough attention.

I think it's the shock factor - "big strong man breaks down in floods of tears!! Oh my!! It must be terrible!!"

Yes it is terrible you dickhead because YOU MADE IT SO my ex crying made me so angry I was a jibbering ball of rage. His tears were crocodile tears, designed to make me feel bad, which, for a short while, they did. In the end all they did was prove to me what a spineless, weak, oxygen thief he really was.

(Hug)

Onit, this is a quick reply because its nearly time to get my son sorted for bed but I just wanted to say - ask your counsellor to treat you as someone who was married to and is coming out of a relationship with a narcissist or sociopath. I did and it was only when that happened that I started to make head way. It really does put a different slant on things and you will learn/come to realise just how to deal with your husband now and in the future for your sake, for your children's sake.

Im really sorry your hurting so much and your heart and head feels as if its in a spin dryer.

Lots of our old mutual friends have kind of sided with my ex.because he has told lies about me.because he is convincing. Because he Is their friend and it isn't really their problem and it's easier not to fall out with someone.
It's heartbreaking.
They will tell me they are sympathetic to me, don't believe him, but still see and speak to him. It's unfathomable but I put it down to people essentially being lazy and liking to avoid confrontation.
Luckily I've lots of friends that see him for what he is, don't speak to him beyond a polite hello and look after and support me. Without them I would have given up I think, at times.
It feels very unfair that people still give mine the time of day. But that's how it goes I guess.
Try not to take it personally (impossible I know)

This is what upsets me nigel.
What nasty bullshit is he saying about me if it means people are on his side? It's not like I can clear my name.
I have the moral high ground but that isn't worth much.
Why isn't he suffering?
I'm regressing to stroppy teenager - ITS NOT FAIR!!!!!

I know.Its a horrible feeling. Both the not knowing and the not being able to clear your name without looking as if you are 'protesting too much' kind of thing.
And yes the bloody unfairness of it all.
Stamp your feet if it helps...

He doesn't have to be saying anything Onit. Honestly. It could very well just be that it suits them for a whole host of reasons to be on board with him.

Unlurking again just to say that the truth will out in the end, Onit. Some people are bound to be taken in temporarily by his bullshit, but you can't fool all of the people all of the time. Play the long game, keep your head held high and your dignity intact.

for you

Meant to say he can't fool all of the people etc etc.....

Thanks for the friendly arm punches

Never imagined this would be my life and I'm looking at thread number 3!!
Nearing 1000 posts

Also delurking to offer support onit.

You're doing brilliant, you have made some fantastic decisions and really kept your shit together for your dc.
You are just so much better than lcb and the ow.
He can see it.... so can she. I'd cheerfully bet on it.
You need to believe it yourself.

Don't waste your time or energy on worrying about anything they may be saying. I have friends who say things I either don't believe or don't agree with. I don't confront them because I just don't want to get into it with them. Some people you can't challenge they can't take it...doesn't mean I agree. Also onit....some people just don't care either way.....
Still not your problem

Don't make the mistake of being right.
Just be happy

Listen it's time to start to step back. Nearly 9 years on exh no longer sees the kids. Their choice because he's a really nasty abusive narcissistic drunk. But it's still all my fault or even their fault. He believes they are punishing themselves by not seeing the godman of their father.

You can work on your kids boundaries.

You can work on yourself. Counseling, reading things like Why Does he Do That, do the freedom program. Etc

But for the rest you need to understand that it's basically out of your control/NOT your problem. Easy to say hard to do. But every time you talk about him you are giving emotional and head space. Do you really want to? Also much harder to do.