Anyone up? DH is leaving me follow up thread. Onit's on it!!

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

Link to my last thread.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2658829-Anyone-up-DH-is-leaving-me?msgid=62446916

Yes it is. My ex uses 'confused' in much the same way when he thinks I've said something he considers stupid. More often than not its him that's being stupid and/or refusing to acknowledge facts, but it doesn't half wind me up.

What was his response to your stating the ow will have an easier divorce/money settlement etc?

Apparently that has nothing to do with this nosey
He doesn't talk about her at all unless I ask him a direct question.

I bet he is "disappointed" that you have proven strong & not to rolled over & concede to his every wish
I bet he is "confused" that you are not wringing hands, pleading & accepting his bullying.
I bet he doesn't "recognise" you at all, he thought you would be a victim, but you are not !!!!

He gets to start a fresh with his drunken harlot, can pick & choose his contact, but basically live a new life, with her, her assets, his income, & no constraints, whereas you have the children, no income & no "partner".
Her finances are very much "something to do" with the whole picture.
Tosser

My ex was worried his ow's income was to be included the mix.
It should have done..they were living as a couple..
The greedy pair did not need to take any money from me. He was on mega bucks in Dubai and shed been on £40,000 a year prior to their move to Dubai

Anyway for what he got it certainly gave him back a bit of the stress he gave me.

If they are now a couple/living together then they will be sharing bills and rent / mortgage, I think it is completely relevant. Has your dc made any comments about her or do you trust they haven't met yet? Also, as you were friends, we're you aware of her interest in having children one day? It's gonna be a shock for her! I hope they act like little rotters when she's around! She won't hang around and your fuckwit ex will see the error of his ways!

They're not living together though I'm sure she's stayed at his flat. Not when the DC are there though.

I've told him I don't want them to meet her ever (I know I can't dictate) and he says he has no intention of introducing her though he said something different to someone else saying he'd wait a few months.

My ds has general anxieties and I'd struggling to comprehend the situation we're in now. At least every other day he wants to know when daddy's coming home. Why does he not want to be a family any more etc.
I think bringing her into the mix will traumatise him further if he hasn't processed the current situation first. On paper she is a very child friendly person (she volunteers within a kids organisation) but her DH has warned me of her motives and basically said that he thinks she wants kids but doesn't want to "have" them. He put it down to her not being able to stay off the booze long enough.

My concerns are that their daddy has been a very crap dad for the last few months and I put that entirely down to her influence. He certainly never suggested leaving our 4 year old alone at home or put his sexual feelings for me above his feelings for his sons health and wellbeing before she came in the scene.
She sounds like just the kind of woman I want around my DC

is struggling, not I'd struggling

Onit, obviously I do not know your son at all, but my daughter had terrible anxiety and we took her to a therapist who helped her LOADS after maybe three or four sessions.

Her top tip was that you need to give them loads of happy chemicals to prevent the stress /anxiety chemicals flooding their brain. This doesn't mean doing whatever they want, but some specific things to boost endorphins and oxytocin. We do this by moving around at stressful times (so scootering to school, dancing before bedtime) and by eating chocolate at breakfast and then looking at pictures of cute animals on the Internet together. I can see her relax and become more resilient as she see pictures of kittens wrapped up in blankets.

Not saying your son needs therapy, but honestly if I had thought for one second that looking at cute animals would get my daughter to school happy in the morning, I'd've been on it like a car bonnet (see what I did there?).

Is she still living with her ex husband? Did your in laws visit in the end? Are they willing to continue a relationship with you as you had hoped?

My dd struggles with anxiety and it makes the simplest scenario difficult for her, so I sympathise with how difficult this is for you to watch and have to cope with on top of your own stress. Does your ex appear even vaguely worried?

Your doing a great job.

nosey, no, she's moved out a few weeks ago. But the poor guy still has to see her as they work together
I went to my in laws and, though it was awkward, they assured me they want to continue to see me, and not just because of the DC. There was a lot of tears from me. My fil said that although I might think they'd be on his side because he's their son, they care about me too and are struggling to come to terms with us not being a unit.
My mil said she can't even say ow's name and had no interest in meeting her. I guess that'll change down the line.
I'm sure my LCB has concerns about our ds but he has always been unsympathetic to ds's anxiety as he was to mine when ds was little. He hasn't the patience or compassion to help deal with it. And he certainly won't listen to my concerns now as hell assume I'm just trying to stop ow from seeing my DC. Obviously that is part of my motivation but ultimately I just want ds to have dealt with this issue before piling on the next.
Life is tough when your anxious. I imagine being 6 and anxious is lots worse. He has no control over anything. He bottles stuff up too so just asking him if he's ok isn't enough. You need to observe and probe a little. LCB has no capability to understand the subtleties and doesn't know that when you're anxious, you get very good at hiding it right up until the point you just can't.
This is ds.
He says he's fine about the thing he's worried about. He looks fine. Then all of a sudden there's tears and crying and refusing to move etc.
DH has generally resorted to shouting
I don't know what the answer is though and I'm not perfect with him either and have also got angry. But it's not my first response.

I worry that ds will retreat even further from the world if he's pushed too hard by his dad. I know it's what I want to do. But ds is not me.

At some point soon we're going to have to discuss contact beyond the holidays and I'm dreading it.
He wants 3 nights a week (during term time) which I've already said I'm not agreeing to. I'm offering every other weekend and a couple of dinners. Which I know he'll fight.
I have said that, once holidays are accounted for, he'll have closer to a 60/40 split as he has flexibility that I just don't have, but he will argue that I'm trying to take them away by stealth.
I'm not.
My DC are (a emotionally immature) 6 and (just starting school) 5.
They go to bed at 7pm still.
They need an afternoon routine which is structured to make sure they get homework and play and time alone if they want it and fed and bathed and wound down and bedded. They don't need to be going from one house to the next, getting wound up by daddy (who has traditionally done bedtime due to my illnesses and his wanting to see the DC after work but who has rarely been able to tuck them in and walk away without numerous returns and shouting to go to sleep, because they're hyper after the play fight he initiated after bathtime) and not knowing which bed they're going to wake up in.
But that'll be all about me.
Or me wanting to remove his DC from him.
I'll never win. I'll always be the evil witch who's trying to steal his kids.

Honestly I'm not.
The last few weeks without him here to help (even a little) have been exhausting.
I'm struggling so hard to get up in the morning and dreading them going to school again as I won't be able to just let them lounge around.
I'm trying not to think about when I have to throw work into that mix.
I want his help. But I don't think it will be helpful to the DC. And that's what he can't see. He thinks I'm being selfish but I think he's being more so.
He's not thinking about their emotional responses to this and he's certainly not seeing my argument for that.

I have said from the word go I have no intention of taking his DC from him. I will not badmouth him in their presence and I will actively encourage them to see him and talk in the phone etc.
This is not enough. He doesn't trust me

Sorry that was a rant

Anxiety is exhausting with just the average day to day stresses, let alone all this he is putting you through. I to find my child's anxiety is considered more of an inconvenience to others, which breaks my heart when she is shouted at. There are parenting courses, which I had to resort too to make dp see sense. Also have you had ds diagnosed with anxiety? If this happened this would have to be considered in contact arrangements surely? It may appear tactical to some, but having that diagnosis will also help with school taking it seriously and therapy being offered for him. If you try this route, ensure that you explain to the doctor what it is like at its very worst so they take it seriously. Also consider applying for DLA for him - again explaining it at its worst, this would give you extra money for special days out just the 3 of you etc.
You are doing the best for your dc and everyone else but lcb sees this.

It's outrageous he wants weekly sleep overs, especially when your youngest is starting a new school routine. It's irresponsible and proves he is only thinking of looking like the dutiful daddy.
Is it possible to explain this to your in laws and ask them if they think you are being unreasonable? They will listen and see the whole picture, where he does not, and maybe put him strength?

I had a chat on the phone with mil the other day and she was talking about contact as being; I have them all week and LCB has them every weekend.
I guess she's just old fashioned and that's what would've happened 30 years ago if she'd been in this position.
I am hyper aware (my blood runs cold whenever i think of it, so I'm trying not too) that LCB will have LOTS more time with them during holidays than he does during term time. It'll be a necessity in order for me to work.
However, I plan to look into term time working when I go back but unsure how that will affect tax credits etc. Anyone know?
I (selfishly) hate the fact that I will now have weeks of time where I don't see my DC at all. I want to mitigate that by proving I don't NEED him to swoop in and save the day because I have to work. My employers have said they'll do what they can to accommodate pick ups drop offs etc for me.
He has said he wants 50% of all holidays.
He can get stuffed! He might be able to argue that for Easter and October hols. Maybe even more at Xmas as I work in retail and I'm not allowed holiday during December. But, I'll be buggered if he's getting more than 2 weeks in summer. And I fail to see how he can actually achieve that. Because I know I can't, unless he's planning to do term time too

So he gets all their down time and be fun dad, while you get to keep the gruelling schedule! No doubt if their grades etc suffer it will be all your fault! 30 years ago men had no other option to work mon-fri, that isn't the case now. He lives nearby so he can do pick up and dinner a couple nights a week and every other weekend. I can see how holidays are going to be difficult for you working in retail. To get around this issue myself, I have gone back to university and receive funding which equates to what I would get working part time, plus tax credits, plus you would be receiving some maintenance. Could this be an option for you? The hours are school pick up friendly and you could get assignments etc done while your ex has his time with dc. Plus you would be putting two fingers up to him! Your not just coping without him, you can create a whole new career for yourself . Didn't he say that he wished you were more career focused?

I've been reading your threads. You are doing so well. IME, men like your ex may very well think that their demands of 50/50 care and control of DC is what they want. In some cases it works out really well and ex-couples get along famously and their DC get the best from both parents.

In some cases, the OW can ruin this. My feeling is that this OW will pay lip-service to your ex and agree that they will have the DC. In reality, she probably doesn't want them around, reminding her of you and the dreadful thing they have done. She won't want them getting in the way of their "drinking and having fun" time. She won't want them getting in the way of their "cosy weekends away".

We had a plan pre-split that I would start retraining this Autumn.
I'm sure I can't add that stress into the mix I'm already in and I've made LCB more than aware that his affair and choice to leave, has ruined the chance for me to fulfil any potential I might have (at least in the short term)

I'm worried about her in a "hand that rocks the cradle" way because of what her DH has told me.
I'm sure it's irrational but, given how things have turned out, I can't deny that I feel it.

Maybe it would give you something else to occupy yourself with and a new goal to achieve? A degree would take 3 years and provide you with extra income and new social life not linked to him. You said you didn't wanted to prove you could be strong.

I know it seems like a lot of extra stress, but I have found it has given me something to focus on, other than dc and have made some great friends.

With regards to maintenance I hope the amount reflects the set back he has caused.

Onit try not to worry too much. I know it's easier said than done though. Your feelings will definitely change in the years to come and what you feel now you won't necessarily still with the passing of time. I split from my ex when our DCs were 2 and a baby. I hated the thought of another woman in their lives but in time that passed. They will still know who their mum is. As long as the person is good and kind to them the more people that love them in their lives the better. I was also grateful at times for some time and space alone as they got older.

I don't know if 50/50 is in the kids' best interests. If he's having to use after kids clubs and school holiday clubs to look after them while he's working then I'd say no, they'd be better off with you those times. But equally he is their dad and loves them and wants too be with them as much as possible. As any loving dad does.

I get that he's not as sensitive to their needs as you are. My ex wasn't either. Just stress to the ex the kids have a lot to cope with at the moment so you want to take baby steps with them. They need to get used to him being gone, to spending time at his new place slowly. They have a house move coming up and then back to school. Just say you want to do it at a pace that suits the kids not either of you. What's in their best interests. But they won't always be young. Their bed times will get later than 7pm in a short few years. I think it's a case of you both adapting to changes as the kids change. He must understand this. See if you can get him to play things by ear a bit more regarding contact. But remember there will come a time when you will want to start living again
and will be glad of a few nights to yourself so you can perhaps pick up your life again.

What does LCB mean? I've seen you call him this a few times.

How on earth can he have the dc 50 per cent of the time and still work.

He must work for very generous employers.

Keep that door open though, you might be glad of the help at certain times.

LCB = lying cheating bastard

Tbh I'd rather not have any official agreement regarding contact. At least not till I'm back at work and see how that pans out.
It may be that I need to have him take them for more than I'd agree to right now.
And I'm sure I will move on enough to want to have a life.
nosey did you go back to uni full time or part time? Did you work too? I cant imagine juggling work with all this let alone chucking studying into the mix; and socialising; with students

I am studying education, so the roles I will apply for full time by the time I graduate will be term time only as my eldest starts school this sept. I am full time student and work in school 3x morning per week. I will be able to take my dc to school and get to uni/school in the morning and be back by school pick up. I get full bursary from student finance and it equates to the same I was getting working part time in a non family friendly sector. My are little and it is hard work juggling everything, but has proven wonders for my anxiety. I will have a career at the end that is completely geared around my dc. Disabled student grants can also help with your illness which, depending on your university, could get you extra time for assignments/exams. Do a student finance calculator online and see how much they can offer, you may not have to work as well at all.

I probably sound really pushy, but studying could really give you a great sense of self and accomplishment that is all yours. Nothing to do with him, leaving him feeling like maybe it was him all along!!

No matter your decision regarding work/studying, you are already proving him wrong by being so strong right now.