Anyone up? DH is leaving me follow up thread. Onit's on it!!

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

Link to my last thread.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2658829-Anyone-up-DH-is-leaving-me?msgid=62446916

I agree. I nearly signed an agreement that would have left me very skint and not receiving a massive amount of what I was Entitled to. I'm so glad I room some legal advice, even at the last minute, then took some time to consider. It's making the process longer but it will also safeguard me and the girls financially which is worth a couple more months angst.

Yes, you need to agree on a fair share of the equity from the house etc.

I'm sorry to agree with everyone else and I understand your reticence due to cost - but you need to lawyer up and fast. You have said it yourself - you thought it would take longer before he started to refuse to pay for his kids. Well that has happened before everything is signed and sealed, I smell a rat. If it leaves you short for a new kitchen, I still think it would be worth spending cash on a lawyer to check over your agreement and get advice on the children.
A long time ago admittedly a colleague had a similar situation - separated from husband, family home sold and finances split, she bought a house and when they came to divorce he tried to claim on her house. Cost her money to sort it out with a lawyer.

You do need to get proper advice on the financials, I thought it was a requirement these days precisely so one party wasn't ripped off.
You're better to spend a bit here, which could save you thousands than in contact arrangements which will just cost you. I dealt with all that part myself because exh is a knob and constantly changed his mind and wrote emails all the time. For a sol to deal with each one at £25 a go just to read it would have been horrendous

We should have our financial agreement signed off within the next couple of weeks I think, then I'm going to pay for a lawyer to handle the contact side of things.

Please onit it is VITAL that you get a lawyer for the financial side, not just for the contact stuff. Please get a lawyer onto it before you sign anything at all re: finances. I have mostly RTFT, but have I missed something? You can't seriously be doing finances without a lawyer ?? Somebody who has you and your dcs best interests as their absolute professional priority? Seriously, you cannot affort NOT to get one. Please, please do it!

I will be consulting a lawyer before signing anything.
I have had some advice already but haven't paid for any yet.
I'm not entitled to legal aid but I agree it's worth spending money on to make sure I'm not being ripped off.
Because we have a date for the house sale we need something in writing but it doesn't have to be it all. Just enough to ensure I can proceed with my purchase.

And how are you feeling in yourself onit?

I'm done conkers
He's responded to my term time rota with reams of statistical analysis and a PowerPoint presentation
I've written a response (which I haven't sent yet) which essentially says that he's left me no choice but to involve a lawyer.
He seems to think I'm an employee to be managed. He actually wrote a list of rules for me to follow when we were going to have a chat about it.
I have said I don't want to follow a code of conduct written by a liar, a cheat, someone who has no concept of proper behaviour and who has made a terrible job of managing our marriage.
I am not his employee. I am a sahm to 2 kids and I'm doing the best I can to mitigate the fall out from his decisions whilst dealing with a house sale, potential homelessness, the summer holidays and my own emotional issues surrounding it all.

I've said I'll no longer respond in writing to anything other than day to day issues regarding the DC.

He will be livid. But I honestly feel like he's bullying me by ramping up the pressure to agree terms before I have any knowledge of what my life will look like.
Well fuck him. He can spend his money on lawyers. I am not entitled to legal aid as I have 10k in the bank. I need that for my house and our future but if I can get this bastard to leave me alone, it'll be worth every penny.
Why does he think he's so special? He left. Why would he think he'd get 50/50 custody. He works full time. I'm not working but will return part time, possibly term time.
He is living in a dream world.

Well done onit, you are so strong How dare he give you a code of conduct? WTF?. So pleased you are going to get a lawyer on board. Can't imagine his spreadsheets and powerpoints impressing them! I think he'll be totally out of his depth when it all gets 'real' legally. Will do you so much good to let a lawyer deal with him, so you can distance yourself. I totally get the reluctance because of costs, I had to borrow money for my SHL. She saved me so much more than she cost me though, and I bet it will be the a same for you. Keep strong

I forgot to say, onit, he is a head-fucking tosser and you are dealing with him exactly right. He is bullying, delusional and his double standards are mind-blowing. You are disengaging and detaching beautifully, keep doing that. Of course he will be livid. Good.

I had this with my XH. He was an EA shit. He too treated me like an underperforming employee and barely met my gaze in the final few years of our marriage, the implication was that I wasn't even worth looking at, let alone an equal. But then, when I started actual divorce proceedings he went up to a new level of anger. He was so affronted: this then became the 'new crime' that I was guilty of, that of saying 'No more'. He's still not got over it. As far as he is concerned he is the victim of some kind of human rights abuse. We are 5 years - count'em - down the line from the split, and I am still the anti-christ. Presumably because, out of the blue, I filed divorce papers and stole his house and his children from him.

I assume this is what your STBXH is feeling - despite his outrageous behaviour of lying, cheating and betraying the whole family - he is totally affronted that you have the cheek to say 'No'. Keep saying No onit, you are doing great.

I've just hit send.
He's coming to pick up the DC at 1.30.
Presumably he won't reply before then. I guess tonight after they're asleep.
I'll keep you posted.

Arrogant twat.
My ex also tries similar with me. He talks to me in management speak all the time. It simultaneously makes me rage and think 'what a knob you really are'. Ignore ignore ignore. He can't make you agree to anything outside of legal process and you remain in the better position custody wise as you are the resident parent.
That's the kind of 'blue sky thinking' that he won't like at all. Dickhead.

What part of divorcing does he not comprehend. He left the home, he no longer has the right to come and go from your house as he pleases.

He seems to want his cake and eat it. He wants his single life with his drunk OW and family life with you.

He is lucky he still see his children so often.

I so wish I could post what he actually wrote.
He seems to think because he can make an argument for wanting the DC 50% of the time he'll win that argument.
I don't want to spend my time writing critical essays. I want to be with my DC and get in with our lives with as little stress as possible.
If he was any kind of father he would want to make that process as easy as possible.
As it is, he is only thinking of himself, his new life and his new relationship and how he can get the DC involved in that set up as quickly as possible.
It scares me though that he is so certain he will get what he wants and more frightening is that he seems fine with using his money as a big stick to hit me with. Does he not see that hurting me hurts his DC.

He's responded to my term time rota with reams of statistical analysis and a PowerPoint presentation - this made me laugh out loud! I've just read through the whole of your two threads, and I am full of admiration for you - you are doing so well! I know you must have the dark times in the middle of the night where you wonder WTF has happened to your life, and how it's all going to pan out - but you come across as such a strong, got-your-act-together woman. I think you're handling everything brilliantly, and your children are so lucky to have you as their Mum :) Sod him - he never did deserve you, by the sound of it!

I do worry about you bonnet.
An Irish lady practically had her kids stolen from under her nose by her cheating ex because he had the most money . They were much wanted ivf children too.

it actually gets worse but I won't say any more because it would out here.

Please , please make sure your lawyer goes through everything with a fine tooth comb.

Dot all it's and cross all t's

Does he ever elude to what the ow wants?

After reading another thread on mn I thought I should just warn that they may be reading your posts and cataloging them fit his solicitor?

A fucking PowerPoint presentation?

What a fucking wankbadger.

lol at wankbadger! bloody love it

I've been following your thread from the start & amazed at the strength you have gained. There are so many of us behind you.

I sadly am the one leaving my H (not for someone else though) and my first thought is to be as fair as possible re my DC and as kind as possible as I'm aware he is hurting.

A PowerPoint presentation, wtaf!!! I'd love to see that!!

Keep going you should be proud of yourself.

He's sent a text basically threatening to withdraw financial support if I don't comply with his custody demands.
He could leave us homeless and destitute.
I can't respond because at the end of a series of emails (including the PowerPoint) earlier I said he'd left me no choice but to go through solicitors. And I would not reply by text or email unless to day to day concerns regarding the DC.

I want to forward it to his parents (I won't)

Good luck to him. He can't legally do that as it goes. It's not how it works.
Just say to him, through gritted teeth,that custody will need to be sorted via legal process and until that has begun he can have whatever you feel comfortable with. His say in the matter is limited given that he's the one who decided to go and fuck someone else.

The silly man is totally deluded. The courts will decide custody, financial support, not him, silly, silly man. If he's lucky the judge might stick it all on a powerpoint! Twunt. Ignore everything now, just contact via solicitor.

50:50 residency is the starting point in divorce, unless there are safe-guarding issues.

His behaviour towards you and his actions otherwise have no bearing on this.