Anyone up? DH is leaving me follow up thread. Onit's on it!!

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

Link to my last thread.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2658829-Anyone-up-DH-is-leaving-me?msgid=62446916

Just read your thread and wanted to say how unbelievably strong you've been. Your dc are very lucky to have you

Don't speak to LCB. Ignore, detach, avoid. If he wants to speak to you. Just say please go away, & move to another part of the room... infinitely more effective.
Send the email to keep his behaviour on the paper trail.
He is feeling sorry for himself, as he probably does miss the "home environment he had with DC's". But not enough to trump sticking his dick in another woman.
Seeing them cry probably does upset him, but not enough to have stopped him sticking his dick in another woman.
His choices.

As others have said, don't speak to him, send the email instead. You've no idea how he'll react to you saying it to him face to face, or what sort of exhibition of emotions he might put on, especially if there are other people around at the party. Putting it in an email keeps it to the point and documented. You can say exactly what you need to say, no more and no less.

I hope the party goes well and your DS has a wonderful time.

The thing is mix from what I've witnessed and what he's said, DC aren't upset till he gets upset. That's certainly what happened when we say them down on Father's Day to tell them he was leaving.
Which heartbreakingly my Dd remembers as being on her birthday I have corrected her but is Father's Day any better? I wonder if he's even aware of their lasting memories of this time. Daft question

Hadn't thought of his potential for tears in public Agatha I had only lined up a friend to witness me not knocking seven shades of shite out of him

Onit, deal with this guy only in writing.

Do it so you only leave a squeaky clean paper trail. It's what I do. Nigel mentioned behaving impeccably and that's what I aim for, and it's what those close to us have said - she's behaved impeccably. Not that it will get you anywhere because all it will do is infuriate him and more than likely make him hate you (all the more) He needs you to resort to a slanging match, he needs you to let it all out so he can say your crazy, he needs it so he can feel better about himself and what he's done. Don't give it to him. Let him hate you for not putting a foot wrong. Let him hate you for getting it right.

Trust me. You'll feel all the better for it in the long run.

yes onit, I understand.
But his tears are all about poor "him"
Dick

Email sent this evening, essentially birdys words.

I doubt I'll get a response. But I'll update.

I have a lawyers appointment next week and will be trying to speak to my boss about my return to work. I need to get my head round going back and I need to know what hours I'll be doing so I can start processing that and figuring out how I'm going to keep all my plates spinning while adding more. And obviously I need to get a handle on what it'll do to my financials.

Ds had a great party. I basically ignored LCB apart from handing him a bag of wet swimming stuff he returned with the DC last weekend. I said we'd agreed to launder these sorts of things and, in case he didn't notice, I had my kitchen in my garden.
No doubt it's petty.

Hope Party goes well.
Hard as it is you will just have to try and ignore him onit and focus on DS.otherwise it all becomes about him and he Isn't worth it.

Not Petty. he wanted independence he has it, that includes doing his being responsible for DCs kit.

I basically ignored LCB apart from handing him a bag of wet swimming stuff he returned with the DC last weekend. I said we'd agreed to launder these sorts of things and, in case he didn't notice, I had my kitchen in my garden - excellent!

His reply came and, while I'm not surprised, it upsets me that he can't see this is potentially damaging behaviour. That he actually believes he's a good parent in all of this.

I'm perfectly happy with my decision and I don't need advice from you about parenting.

You chose to tell our son the day before I saw him on his birthday that I had a girlfriend. I dealt with that by being honest with him about my feelings and got him to share how he felt.

I shouldn't need to explain this to you. I will always act in the best interests of our kids. I expect you will too so there's no need for this hostility.

He really is a fucking prince isn't he?

I want to ask what he's got to be sad about. He has left the wife he obviously despises. He has a young, pretty, fun girlfriend. He can do whatever he likes whenever he likes. He can be Disney dad whenever he sees his kids.
Why is he sobbing? I really can't fathom.

It's all about 'poor me' - himself. Can't have his cake & eat it. He'll sob a lot more when the reality of real life kicks in. Tell him to take his tears back to his gf.
He sounds like my ex who makes the children feel responsible for his happiness. Master manipulator & chief wanker & asshole.

He has plagiarised your email !
You told the truth to DCs when they were asking, crying & sad. He has been lying to them (& you) & whilst giving you orders of secrecy, whilst simultaneously introducing them to idea of this excuse of a woman.
& Blubbing & expecting them to comfort him.
Fuck him or reply. "Jog on"

He has always believed he was a better parent.

I guess his tears are because I didn't just disappear in a puff of smoke and he wasn't able to just produce mummy mark 2 who presumably has just as warped parenting ideas.

My poor, poor kids

On the up side, they have You.
& even better You don't have him !

Well Onit, you clearly bothered him because you stung him into a reply.

I bet he's kicking his own arse for giving you the chance.

He replied close to midnight (though I didn't see it till this morning)

One of my friends asked him how he was on the way out of the party yesterday. She said he shit himself and then said "good".

Other update from the weekend is that ow knows that her dh and I have been in contact. Unsure why he told her or in what context.

Looks like I'll miss another week's counselling too and I'm gutted. I've wasted so much mental energy on this mofo this last week. I could use more than a hour of therapy. I'm ridiculously upset about missing it.

My poor, poor kids - your kids will be just fine. Maybe a few bumps in the road for a while, but they are adaptable at this age and will take it in their stride. They'll be fine though, because they have you as their mum. You're putting them first, meeting their needs. Long term, they will understand and appreciate this.

Patronising twat isn't he?
Love how he 's tried to imply that you forced him in to taking to DS on his birthday by having a conversation with him the day before. Because of course he couldn't have waited a few days.And of course none of this whole mess is down to him in the first place. It never ceases to amaze me how people can act like total beasts and then still speak to the people they have hurt in such superior tones. Mine does this. Fuck the fuck off.honestly.

The thing is, he can be superior in an email but face to face he still has the poor puppy dog face and knows that in a discussion/argument/basic conversation I'd beat him to a pulp with the truth.
His answer to almost everything difficult I've asked him directly since I threw his ass out, has been "pfft! It doesn't matter..."
He might win in an email argument but he can't just speak like a human fucking being.
He writes lots of presentations and reports in his job and I think he just likes to do that. He can hide away and edit and consult and time his answers. (Not that I don't do that too but I actually process better when I'm talking. I think that's why I'm grateful for this thread and I'm feeling so much more grounded since I started therapy)
I'd love to watch him in a room with one of you guys or my friends and see how he justifies his behaviour towards his children.

I'm struggling with figuring out what the boundaries are though. I mean can I ask him if they're going to be moving in together? And if so, where that's likely to be?
Stuff like that that could have a direct effect on the DC.
Can I ask about when his lease is up in January?
I mean I know I can ask. Does he have to tell me?

That's the thing nigel, I told them about his friend during a natural chat. I can only assume he's sitting them down to discuss his situation.
My DC are very accepting of things generally. They're not ones for deep personal chat. Ds is quite young emotionally for his age, I think. He certainly avoids any chat about things that upset him.
I told them about the spacesuit thing today. It was after ds said it was bullying week at school (I assume he meant anti-bullying ) and I thought it was an opportune moment.
I felt quite good when he said after a few minutes of chat about it that he was putting his spacesuit on now because "I don't want to listen to you talking about it anymore mummy"
I said ok, I'll stop talking but well done for telling me to stop. And that he could do that if anyone was talking about stuff he didn't want to hear.

No he doesn't have to tell you. When I ask mine anything I get 'it's none of your business' 'I don't have to tell you'. (Which he doesn't seem to think applies in the reverse when he questions me and is also slightly inaccurate given that his girlfriend was once my best Friend and I have to see them both all the time as do all my friends which is humiliating and my poor kids). Mine also writes a lot of reports and presentations at work and is very senior so doesn't like it when I don't jump at his say so. I used to be very intimidated by that, now less so.
You can't police what he does with her and your dc unfortunately much as that will feel (and does to me too) wrong.Id say that's the worst part of this sort of situation.

Onit I read your post about LCB crying with disgust (at him) but only now after a similar incident can I truly understand how you felt. I am so so so angry. My stbex has cried & made our DD cry at bloody 9.30 on a Sunday, because he was feeling low. I'm so upset.