Anyone up? DH is leaving me follow up thread. Onit's on it!!

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

Link to my last thread.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2658829-Anyone-up-DH-is-leaving-me?msgid=62446916

Thanks Forme2016, you made me smile

He made his own son cry on his birthday...he needed a hug....he's been slowly introducing the idea of her all along...??

Bollocks to this, let's start a knee capping collection!!

I think you can send that last email.

He really is a Grade A cunt. Fuming on yours & little onits behalf

Onit, re the stately homes thread. I would keep that in mind when dealing with your husband because once again Im saying your husband is either a narcissist or a sociopath.

Yesterday was the level of behaviour you must expect as his normal from now on in. You must see him for what he is and you must never ever deviate from your second guessing of him. Think worst case scenario all the time and take heart from the fact he will never ever ever fail to live up to your expectations of him.

my children are all adults and to be honest they, and myself, have had to fight a long and hard battle to get back on something resembling an even keel emotionally after a lifetime with a sociopath at the helm.

Thank your lucky stars you got free of this man early enough for you to put damage limitation in place for your children from their very young ages.

Onit,

I think it is important that you teach your children that they are not responsible for his feelings/emotions. That he is supposedly an adult and like all adults he should be able to control his feelings.

Because lets face it he isn't crying into his beer when he is out with his OW or friends is he.

Onit, I am livid for you. You initial response was spot on:
How about this though ?

"You fucking useless piece of shit. You should be ashamed of yourself.
Learn how to talk to your children like an adult; like a parent;
Own your sorrow, The sadness & anger they feel is of your making. Do not heap your selfishness on to your children.
You are a disgrace."

He is a complete twat.

However, when communicating with him, you do need to be proportionate. Imagine his Mum, the OW and a judge were looking at what you say. So I'd go for something like:

You were crying again. On his 7th birthday. This is the third time (I know of) that you've got our children to hug and comfort you FOR YOUR decisions. That is not good parenting. Sort yourself out.

Again, what birdy said.
Birdy can you now come and talk to my ex for me too?
Hard as it is onit, resist the very real and understandable desire to sink to that dickheads level.Be impeccable.
You do need to call him out on his behaviour-but do so in a way that leaves him no room to reproach you.
Then come on here and call him all the names under the sun which is what he really deserves.

Yes. What birdy said. Even though being squeaky clean can be exhausting.

But I totally get what Mix has said. We're all only human.

Hi Onit

Unlurking to say what a magnificent strong woman you are.

It must be very tempting to 'let him have it' - but I think Birdy has it. You need to think what message your emails/texts will convey to the judge. Controlled and rational is the way.

Wishing you and your DC all the very best.

Another one agreeing with what Birdy said. A perfect response I think.

Has he always been such a needy, self-serving tosser?

Personally I'd be working on building emotional boundaries with the kids.

I'd sit them down and make it clear the following is not okay:

For daddy to make you feel sad by crying in front of you.

Daddy is the adult and should be supporting you not you supporting him.

You are not to think you are responsible for making daddy happy. If daddy is sad then that's up to him. You don't need to feel sad for him.

Daddy made choices that have resulted in this situation. Only he is responsible for those choices not you.

If you feel sad because of something Daddy is saying it's okay to say stop it daddy.

His job is to be your dad. You are not his dad.

He's emotionally abusing them and they need the tools to stay safe.

I would definitely teach them to change the subject if it's uncomfortable or they are getting confused/sad.

One technique that I would practice with them is the spacesuit. I've read it on here and use it often when in stressful situations:

Imagine that you are wearing a space suit. It can be whatever colour you want it to be, and shiny, sparkly, fluffy, whatever you like. But it's a space suit and the important thing is that NOTHING can get into it. You can still breathe ok, and you can still feel the world around you; but NOTHING gets through it, NOTHING penetrates that space suit. It is completely protective. And you put that suit on whenever you are facing something difficult, when you're scared, or when someone might hurt you - you put that suit on and it PROTECTS you completely from the scary thing/person. No one else can see it, except you - and the better you can truly see it in your mind's eye, then the stronger it is.
Whenever you are wearing that suit, you are invincible. You are strong and safe, and you are fully protected from hurt or harm by others.

I'm getting myself a spacesuit like that Bambam

Oh you need to send Birdy's message. What a bastard to do that to his son.

Absolutely wonderful to see so many more very wise women posting advice on the back of yesterday's disgraceful events.

Oh and I'm getting a spacesuit as well but I'll keep it silver if I can have a built in Prosecco tap instead of a customized color.

My piece of doo doo was a sociopath .
Oh the crocodile tears he cried.
Like yours. All fake.
Mine was going camping with his girlfriend, our grandson and her son.
He showed me the photo of the two boys. I didn't ask. This is our grandson and my mate graham's son.
He must have thought I was born yesterday.
Bastard.
They tell that many lies bonnet . They forget when to stop and forget when they make themselves look ridiculous.

You will see your day lovely.
One of the highlights I had after our divorce and the financials were done, I went on a forum I knew he frequented and he told someone he got shafted in his divorce.

Good! Justice was done then. I think I've told you. I was upfront and honest all the way through, while he kept lying to his own solicitor and as the papers went before the judge that meant he lied to her too.
We caught him out red handed.

Oh. That was a great day. The best. Sweet revenge and I didn't have to do anything. He did it all himself.
When it came to financials, I got about 72 per cent and him about 28. I like to think his lies swayed the judge but obviously they have to be seen to be fair.
But it was a nice little thought I used to comfort myself with.

I'm sorry I've been absent. Another night of little sleep and a full on day today.
It's ds's birthday party tomorrow and I'll need to face LCB.
I'm just working through the many posts since yesterday.
I'm considering whether to have a word rather than putting it in an email. Though I do like birdys response. I just want to tell him to man the fuck up
I doubt it will have any effect; in fact I'd put money on him doing the exact opposite of any of my suggestions. Just to spite me.

I was chatting with a friend today and saying that it's like he's a fun uncle rather than a father. He can do the fun stuff but the actual parenting bits that will teach his DC life skills and values are beyond him? Beneath him? Too messy?

I'm actually just sad today. My poor DC have lost their daddy. And yet he's still lurking about, feeling sorry for himself.
I will definitely be studying bambams suggestions re teaching DC emotional boundaries. Sad that they need protection from their own father. And even sadder that he doesn't realise the damage he's doing every time he has a conversation with them. It appears he is bringing up the subject with them too, rather than waiting for them to do it, which is how I tend to do it. I guess Im not sure if that's right but I feel that creating normal life routines and letting them process naturally over time means they can get used to the new normal instead of them constantly being reminded of what used to be. We all need to be living in the present. Including LCB.
I am still confused about his tears. He has the life he chose. It wasn't forced on him. He has been telling our DC we are never getting back together and crying about it. Why is he crying about it? Can anyone enlighten me? I'm fairly certain it's not because he wants me back.
He says he misses his DC but as clutter says, he's probably not crying when he's on holidays abroad or at dinner with his mates when his DC are dumped with his mother.

Owdh has told her that he's been in contact with me. Not sure exactly when or how that went down or what more was said. He also says she's respecting his wishes to keep LCB away from him and their mutual friends and interests and she's respecting that. He said he thinks she'd do the same for me. Unsure if that was before or after she found out we'd been talking.
Maybe I should consider contacting her. To bypass LCB altogether and try to appeal to whatever semblance of human decency and compassion she has. I mean, I know she's not shown much of that by having an affair with her friends husband and father of 2 but, maybe she actually feels some guilt and or regret over my DC at least if not me. Then again, I've seen her shit stirring, cheerleading suggestions to word his emails in such a way as to infuriate me; so perhaps let the bitch live a slow and painful relationship with the fucking psycho sociopathic narcissist and see how she fucking likes it.
Or his mum or sister?

I'd send the email re his crying in front of the children using birdybirdys wording. It will be good to have it down in writing and the problem with "having a word" in his ear is that he will twist it and tell people lies about what you said, (again making it all about him and how he is feeling), an email is clear and can be used as evidence possibly, in fact I'd be sending a similar email to him every time dc tell you such stuff, all good for your solicitor should it be necessary. As much as you want to rip him a new one, keeping the moral high ground will pay off later.

Also a brilliant post by bambam about arming the kids with tools to protect themselves against him, I wish I'd had such knowledge when dealing with my ex, oh and where can I order one of those spacesuits please.
Onit

Yes I too need one of them there spacesuits.

And an internal editor.

When can I expect the bastard to leave me the fuck alone?
I feel awful but I am jealous of people like my sister who's xh's buggered off into the sunset with their ow

Onit, what's the situation with the OW? Has she left her husband? R they still living together? The whole set up is a bit odd imo.

Is LCB planning to move in with her? What's the deal? The woman doesn't seem to have any shred of decency so I wouldn't waste any time talking to her.

Ow and her dh have split. He has kept their house (and she is in a rented flat) but they are still in discussions about finances (she's stalling)
They had a business (no DC) which was mainly hers but he did lots for it too and still does a bit. She was still "picking up stuff" from their house a month ago.
Her dh still wants her back and has told her this. She apparently cries a lot too in front of her dh. I've warned him that she's manipulating him. He thinks she's vulnerable and LCB is taking advantage.
That may be true but she still knew he had DC and fucked him anyway.
I've no idea if LCB and her are planning to move in together. I doubt she would be up for moving to the sticks and he'll not move to the city as it'll weaken his position regarding custody, but he got me to do loads of things I never thought I would so I suppose it's possible. Whilst I have no evidence and no way of finding out, it would be my guess he is living in her flat the vast majority of the time and only going "home" when he has the DC. From what they've said, they don't spend much time there. Last weekend with him they ate out every meal bar breakfast. (we've had a few days like that too but I'm presuming he's not getting a kitchen fitted in his rented flat) And, despite LCB being a decent cook and always being strict about the dcs diet, on their 2 weeknight visits they eat chicken nuggets and chips one night and a sandwich in the car on the way between after school classes on the other.
Dd ate macaroni cheese for lunch both days he had them last weekend too.
I guess he doesn't have food in because he's not there most of the time. And I guess he's pissed off about paying rent on a place he spends less that 2 days a week in. When I go back to work he might be less annoyed as he will be able to afford it when he's only paying me bare minimum maintenance. What a shame he has to support his wife and kids after leaving us basically jobless, penniless and potentially homeless. Poor soul agreeing to pay so much money to his family then realising he didn't feel that guilty and trying to wheedle his way out of it so he has more money for foreign holidays with his mistress.

I wish he would move in with her. And fuck the fuck off to the far side of fuck. And take her with him.

to support his family that should say.