Dating a man with no kids long distance - he doesn't want the kids to be part of our life together, am I a fool?

[papermoon55]

So,

Have been dating a man for over a year and a half. Am completely in love with him, he makes me laugh, he is kind, attentive, loving, honest, committed, intelligent, emotionally stable, rational, and generally gorgeous. He is also newly in the forces (following career change) and is extremely driven career wise. We met when he was stationed near me for initial training, and is now based 4hrs drive away. We meet up every other weekend, sometimes less frequently, usually halfway (both of us driving 2 hrs) as he owns a house which is roughly in the middle.

I met him as I was coming out of a 15 year relationship with my now ex. We have two DC, 10 and 8. All amicable with the ex and children have coped with separation very well. I have only recently told the DC about this chap as I didn't feel it necessary to mention him - he wasn't likely to become a factor in their life any time soon.

When I am with new chap (do I call him DP?) we have amazing weekends together, doing all the grown-up things you can do without children, living close to London, shows, parties, balls, all very exciting and wonderful.

However, I am finding the distance difficult, finding the concept of us never living together (not for next 10 years anyway) depressing, getting to the point where I want to spend more time with him yet because he has not met the kids we can't. This weekend we finally had the conversation.

Basically he has said he doesn't see his future as a parent to my kids. He's no issue with me having kids, fully understands my commitments, and is happy that I put them first. But in his last relationship he moved in with a woman with two teenage kids, she wanted him home every weekend, he had just got into the forces and didn't want to be tied down, the weekends were focused around the kids, they never had time together, one of the kids had emotional problems, and he was basically very honest that he wanted to date the mum, not the kids.

I am basically ok with this in lots of ways. I am enjoying my independence. I wouldn't move myself/the kids even if it was on offer as my ex is here and they need the relationship with their dad. I love my child-free weekends (have never been particularly maternal) and I am very attracted to him being career-driven and focused - he's a very strong/independent character and if he turned up at my doorstep with a suitcase I'd probably run away.
However, I can't help feeling bothered by the implication that I am trying to 'trap him' in some way, and that meeting the kids would be a slippery slope to weekends of domesticity, him helping run the kids around and generally being involved in family life. That was never on the cards, I'm not offering it, they have a dad, thank you. But the voice inside me is saying that if he really loved me, the kids should be accepted as part of that package.
The other issue is that after wonderful romantic weekends with him, I often find myself feeling sad to come back home and get on with the necessary humdrum business of parenting and working full time. His life in the forces as essentially a single man is just so different to mine, and I will admit I am jealous of his freedom, his ability to focus only on himself and his career. I am a nice little bonus, reasonably fit/attractive, happy to drive 4 hours to be on his arm at posh work and social events, adoring him. But it's not real life and he knows I want more. He has just been very honest about not being able to give it.

What would you do?

I don't think you really know what you want. You want to play happy families with this man, but he doesn't want to.

You don't want to move (at the moment) or uproot your children, but you want to plan a house together and buy stuff together. But he doesn't want to live with you plus your children.

Either accept the situation for what it is - or find someone with whom you can develop a real relationship.

Op, your children are a blessing, and I am sure that you love them loads. I think you are having a bit of a wobble, actually. At the moment, you see your children as the only barrier to you being with this man on a full time basis. And in a sense, that is true. But, you chose to date him in the first place, knowing you could never be together properly. It's not your children's fault.

If you lived with this man, it would not be balls/parties all day, every day. You would have the reality of washing his smalls and listening to him take a dump/fart etc. You only get the nice bits at the moment, it's not real life.

What do you actually want? If it's to make a home with him, it's just not possible unless he gives up his career, which you now he won't do.

Remember, when kids go to Uni, it may feel like they've left home, but guess what, the summer holiday starts in May and lasts for FOUR months - guess where they spend that time - at home! So, even if you did live with your man, how would that work in the Uni summer holidays?

Personally, I would carry on seeing him, but I would also date other men who were closer to home and didn't mind me having kids. You can be open about this with him. If he doesn't like it, let's see what he does to try and bag you all for himself.

Fwiw, going from dating a man who didn't want to meet my kids, to being with a man (DH), who would run them to school, cook for them and carry DD up to bed when she fell asleep on the sofa, well, this makes you love them even more. Because they take on you, your kids, warts and all.

Btw, what would happen if you fell really ill? Would he care for you? If a parent died, would he be there for you? If your car broke down, would he rescue you?

Anyway, I think you should spend your birthday all together, and see what he's like with your kids. If he is not kind to them, you may have a sudden lightbulb moment.

Thank you TheCraic, he is commissioned, RAF. Signed up for 12 years I believe. xx

Have read up to page 3, if you arent that maternal, could you give your ex custody of the kids and you move in with this man?

Just a question, OP. Why did you start dating someone who never wanted to be involved with your children?

But the voice inside me is saying that if he really loved me, the kids should be accepted as part of that package

Your words OP and listen to that voice.

Your message just made me laugh, husky, thank you! To be honest, when we started dating he was based near me, and that base was the hub for what he was going to do. But he was then moved in a completely different direction. Plus, when we started dating I was very newly separated - we touched on those conversations but never in depth - it all started off quite casually.

I think you're right, it'd be interesting to see how he reacts to the kids. I've seen him with his friends' kids and he's ok, just a bit awkward, but that's natural if you don't have kids.

Incidentally, I already hear him fart (etc.) and he'd wash his own bloody socks!

Hermione I was just out of a long-term relationship and was quite clear that I wasn't looking to rush into something with someone else. I also knew about the issues he'd had with his ex and her kids, so arguably, this should not be a surprise.

The problem is, after 1.5 years, you get attached. Well, I have.

wizzywig the thought has crossed my mind, but I don't think I could ever do it. I'm not maternal, but I still love my children and need and want to be there for them. xx

He wants to date a woman without kids and you're trying to act like a woman without kids so he'll keep dating you.

Ouch, Jelly but yes, I accept you may well be right.

Ugh.

Why are you happy to date someone who rejects such a massive part of your life?

You know, I posted on here (different name) years ago with doubts and concerns about now ex DP. Everyone pretty much told me to end it. I clung on.

I found the messages several years later, and my posts were as relevant at that point as they were when I'd written them. They gave me the reassurance that leaving was the right thing to do, and I've never looked back.

Now MN is telling me again (mainly) to get rid. And again, I can't bloody do it.

Not such a strong woman after all, it would seem.

Don't be so hard on yourself OP.

It's far easier for us to objectively see it in black & white based on comments on a thread than it is to disentangle yourself from someone you've grown attached to. Many of us are in relationships that aren't great for us and we continue in that knowledge. You're the one living your life, only you can do what you need to do.

Papermoon

I was serious when I said if he turned up with a suitcase I'd run away

With him or from him?

You don't have to end it OP, I guess we are mostly collectively saying that if you continue to see him you just need to have your eyes wide open to what the situation is and not have the blinkers on. It's not ever going to end in marriage but you can enjoy it on a superficial level for the time being. Grab happiness while you can - you can enjoy it for what it is while you can but try and stay a little detached.

What do you want?

Do you want someone that is going to move in with you, be a full-time partner to you and be a step-Dad to your DC (because if he lives with you then that's the role he'll have)?

Or are you happy with a long term relationship where you don't live together - or no plans to live together unless much further down the line? Where you see and speak regularly and he is involved with you and your kids in that he'll be with you at family gatherings, but he is 'Mum's partner' rather than 'my StepDad'?

There's nothing wrong with either of these scenarios. I know a few couples who operate in the way that you do now - all of them have been together for more than 2 years and one pair have been happily married for over 5 despite the fact they don't live together! The key to making it work is that your relationship model is one that you are BOTH happy with and that all parties are honest and upfront about their hopes and plans for the future.

So, what do you want? There's your answer.

BTW I should mention that my married friends who don't live together are in a v.similar situation to you. She has DC from a previous LTR and he's happy to help his DW with listening to her and being a sounding board, but he doesn't want to be a parent. He's at family get togethers - birthdays, weddings, regular Sunday dinners etc. - but he is not a step-parent and doesn't get involved with the day-to-day. All parties are quite happy with this arrangement and know that Mum and her DH don't live together, but are planning to once DC have grown up and left home (years down the line).

Have read up to page 3, if you arent that maternal, could you give your ex custody of the kids and you move in with this man

I also asked.

What are you unhappy about, OP? Do you feel that your boyfriend should move in with you and your children because "that's what couples do"? Because that's "real life"? Because that argument is bollocks.

If you envy your boyfriend's child-free life, well, you have children and the responsibilities that entails. But that doesn't mean that you can't have an interesting life with them and independently from them.

But honestly, as it is, other

Ohdearme Wizzywig asked the same question, my reply was

the thought has crossed my mind, but I don't think I could ever do it. I'm not maternal, but I still love my children and need and want to be there for them. xx

Pauldacre that was a really helpful post, thank you. As I was reading it I immediately thought 'Option 2. I don't want Option 1, particularly, certainly not now, but Option 2 would be just fine'.

Since I first posted, I've gone through a range of emotions - confusion, despair (must dump him), anger (he must be cheating on me/he can't have it all his own way), sadness (it's doomed). I've been thinking more this evening and here's how I think I would like to see it progress:

Not living with me or taking on the role of step dad. Never say never, but that's doesn't sit comfortably with me at the moment. BUT yes, I would like to be working towards some kind of future together. I think I would be quite happy if we bought a little flat somewhere together, half way, which is just for us. It would be need some sacrifices to afford it, but we could air b'n'b to help cover the mortgage, and it would be our place to call our own for the time we spent together.

Holidays, spending Christmases together, for him to be present at family stuff but not be required or expected to discipline the kids or be directly involved with their upbringing.

That would be ok, I think.

Distancecall I don't think I'm driven by expectations of 'what people do'. I think I just want to make the relationship a bit more permanent, raise its status beyond 'just a bit of fun' and acknowledge some kind of commitment, I think.

I'm feeling a bit more positive tonight that perhaps I can manage to have an 'interesting life with and independently from them.' This sounds very appealing..

it's the Forces 'charm'....some (a lot) of them seduce you into believing you can have the whole world - but we know day-to-day reality is very different.

he wants to spend his 'off duty' time having 'selfish' fun - which he is entitled to as a child-free adult.....but he should respect that you're a mum and you're dc can't be 'airbrushed' out of the picture to accommodate his 'schedule'.

he sounds like a loser. what does he think your dc are in relation to your 'relationship' - a disability?!

I agree with OhNo and some other posters that you don't really know what you want. Perhaps it comes down to the practical issue that if he would spend time with your kids, you would see more of him. That fits with you not actually wanting him to be a stepdad, but it does rather relegate your kids to the role of 'barrier to me enjoying my life'.

Otherwise, I'm not sure why stuff really would need to change. You've mentioned several times 'wanting more' but it seems like he would actually do the level of 'more' that you want, ie being around on selected family occasions. You've also said 'we've both invested so much', but I'm not really seeing what he has invested at all. Maybe this is really what you're after, a sign that he is really 'invested' rather than much practical change in the relationship?