Dating a man with no kids long distance - he doesn't want the kids to be part of our life together, am I a fool?

[papermoon55]

So,

Have been dating a man for over a year and a half. Am completely in love with him, he makes me laugh, he is kind, attentive, loving, honest, committed, intelligent, emotionally stable, rational, and generally gorgeous. He is also newly in the forces (following career change) and is extremely driven career wise. We met when he was stationed near me for initial training, and is now based 4hrs drive away. We meet up every other weekend, sometimes less frequently, usually halfway (both of us driving 2 hrs) as he owns a house which is roughly in the middle.

I met him as I was coming out of a 15 year relationship with my now ex. We have two DC, 10 and 8. All amicable with the ex and children have coped with separation very well. I have only recently told the DC about this chap as I didn't feel it necessary to mention him - he wasn't likely to become a factor in their life any time soon.

When I am with new chap (do I call him DP?) we have amazing weekends together, doing all the grown-up things you can do without children, living close to London, shows, parties, balls, all very exciting and wonderful.

However, I am finding the distance difficult, finding the concept of us never living together (not for next 10 years anyway) depressing, getting to the point where I want to spend more time with him yet because he has not met the kids we can't. This weekend we finally had the conversation.

Basically he has said he doesn't see his future as a parent to my kids. He's no issue with me having kids, fully understands my commitments, and is happy that I put them first. But in his last relationship he moved in with a woman with two teenage kids, she wanted him home every weekend, he had just got into the forces and didn't want to be tied down, the weekends were focused around the kids, they never had time together, one of the kids had emotional problems, and he was basically very honest that he wanted to date the mum, not the kids.

I am basically ok with this in lots of ways. I am enjoying my independence. I wouldn't move myself/the kids even if it was on offer as my ex is here and they need the relationship with their dad. I love my child-free weekends (have never been particularly maternal) and I am very attracted to him being career-driven and focused - he's a very strong/independent character and if he turned up at my doorstep with a suitcase I'd probably run away.
However, I can't help feeling bothered by the implication that I am trying to 'trap him' in some way, and that meeting the kids would be a slippery slope to weekends of domesticity, him helping run the kids around and generally being involved in family life. That was never on the cards, I'm not offering it, they have a dad, thank you. But the voice inside me is saying that if he really loved me, the kids should be accepted as part of that package.
The other issue is that after wonderful romantic weekends with him, I often find myself feeling sad to come back home and get on with the necessary humdrum business of parenting and working full time. His life in the forces as essentially a single man is just so different to mine, and I will admit I am jealous of his freedom, his ability to focus only on himself and his career. I am a nice little bonus, reasonably fit/attractive, happy to drive 4 hours to be on his arm at posh work and social events, adoring him. But it's not real life and he knows I want more. He has just been very honest about not being able to give it.

What would you do?

Thanks goingtobe, but I'm not depressed.

You said you were. Were you just being dramatic?

I think you are very useful to him at the moment - attractive, fit etc etc.
Ultimately he doesn't care enough about you, and this will eventually cause a lot of resentment on your part .
Must be very hard for you, but i would get shot and look for the right one.

paper - I think most of us have been led to believe that there is a happy ever after where the princess gets carried away by the prince and this is what we are "looking" for. if we had been fed a different story we would all have a lot less hangups and realise that relationships can come in many forms. The main thing is to be happy and from your posts you sound as though you were until you started questioning the future. The more you read on here the less sure of yourself you will become - you are not going to get one answer - this guy has some hangups what men don't - he knows what you want for the future - how deeply have you talked - he will have fears but to get him to open up takes a lot of patience & trust on his part - much easier to be bravado and say don't want anything to do with kids full stop. let things develop as they are meant to - step back and just enjoy the fun - despite what you say about being ok on your own etc your history tells a slightly different story. once the kids become involved it opens up a whole set of different challenges and you want to make sure your relationship is solid enough to handle this - give it more time - if its meant to be it will work out - and no amount of questioning reasoning whatever will make any difference - just enjoy it !

Goingtobe I've tried to let it go but I can't - I'm pretty sure I didn't say I was depressed. I described my ex's depression and how trying to support him through that impacted me, but no, I am lucky enough not to have experienced depression. Not intending to be melodramatic, just dealing with how I feel with the support of lovely strangers.

Ohcrepe thank you for your perspective, it really is helpful. That's what I try to tell myself, but I do miss him!

wantmorenow it's really interesting to see how different models work for different people. I'm not sure I'd be happy with the relationship you describe for me personally - if he lived closer I'd be put out if he still put up barriers. But I see your point and it's encouraging to think about.

kittycrap that's really encouraging - that was partly my rationale for getting him to meet the kids, so he could see it wasn't such a big deal. Although the text he sent me the other night (I posted it on here) struck home - referring to knowing he didn't want to be part of a family situation when he left XX and how it hadn't changed. Leaving his last posting was when he left his ex with kids; I think I naively thought I would easily win him over and somehow me and my kids would be different. It would seem not.

PurpleAquilegia I've read your reply over and over. It really hit home to me. He has accused me of this but the truth is I don't want to articulate what I want because 'I'm not sure myself and I'm not financially in that position anyway.

7forasecret thank you for just listening, and getting it. I am trying to stay positive.

I am not sure why I'm writing this as, as others have observed, I've had all the advice. I'm just crap at making decisions and can't bring myself to end it. I'm trying to distance myself from him a bit and question/deal with my emotions myself, Last night he was out with the boys, was a heavy night by the spelling in his late night text - I know he's driving back to his house today ready to go to a housewarming party/BBQ tomorrow - with friends I have met several times, who have a son. I am morose because he hasn't messaged me, and I do think if things (he) was different he could have said 'pop down with the kids and we'll all go to the housewarming together'.

The argument he would give is that a. it's not his housewarming, b. this would be the first time to meet the kids and c. it's a bloody long way to drag the kids for a social. But yes, I guess this is a good example of how I would like us to have more time together and for the kids not to be an issue, and it's pretty obvious he's oblivious to the fact I'm tying myself up in knots as the day progresses. I think I do want someone around more.

Still torn and confused, thanks for your patience. xx

Your post on Wednesday

Adora1 I see your point of view, but I struggle with that concept of being a 'package'. That (apparently) is what his ex used to say to him. I don't feel the same. I'm still my own person; I don't want to be defined by my domestic commitments. That's not to say I don't acknowledge my responsibilities - I will always put the children first (i.e. not relocating) but I view myself as a person who happens to have children. I'm not a package. In many ways, I wish I was - it would be so much easier to say 'take on me and my kids or not at all' - but things just don't feel that black and white for me.
I am aware this is probably my issue in terms of coming to terms with the responsibilities of parenthood, and I agree, it's been exacerbated by this relationship.
God, I am depressed!

Ok goingtobe, you've got me. A moment of melodrama. Sorry:

I would LOVE a relationship like yours.
Once you move in together it becomes dull in the majority of cases !

If he's telling you something then you have to believe he means it.

If you can carry on having fun, knowing that it is never going to be any more than it is, then crack on and enjoy it.

But, it seems pretty clear (to me, anyway) that deep down, you actually really do want this to become more serious at some point, and are desperately trying to convince yourself that you don't, so you can carry on and and maybe hope that he will come round. In which case, it will only end in tears for you, because he's made it clear it is how it is, or it's not at all.

I don't think that the relationship as it is now is just "fun" and "not serious".

He doesn't want to be a father figure to your children. Which is perfectly OK, and they already have a father. You can still have a relationship. And he can get to meet your children at some point, as your partner. But really, I wouldn't get so invested in it right now.

What are his views on living together once your children have grown up?

Back from hols now. My DP drove back from Europe so arrived a full 36 hours later than me and my kids. He turned up at my door last night as he wanted a kiss goodnight just because we hadn't kissed for 36 hours! LOL. He stayed all of 10 minutes maximum but it was a romantic thing for him to do especially as he was exhausted.

I used to think he put up barriers but now I just accept that he wants a different relationship model to the 'norm'. Having tried it now for a couple of years I prefer it and it's like having the best of both worlds; a committed, close and fulfilling relationship but independence regarding parenting, financial decisions and personal space. I am more my self with him too. As a born people pleaser and avoider of confrontation at any price I have previously lost myself in past relationships. Not so this time.

Guess what I'm saying OP is that sometimes what we think we want is down to societal expectations and our previous relationships. When you don't want to have kids together and already have your own kids, home, work and established friendships then a complete blending of two lives is not the only option. Even at his place I now choose to sleep in his spare room approx half the time as I sleep better on my own and he doesn't take it as a rejection of him or make it about him. I would have been guilt tripped by my exH had I been so 'selfish'.

The distance thing for you must be hard though.

I wonder if it's fear of intimacy on his part?

Doh! 🧟‍♀️ zombie thread!!