Dating a man with no kids long distance - he doesn't want the kids to be part of our life together, am I a fool?

[papermoon55]

So,

Have been dating a man for over a year and a half. Am completely in love with him, he makes me laugh, he is kind, attentive, loving, honest, committed, intelligent, emotionally stable, rational, and generally gorgeous. He is also newly in the forces (following career change) and is extremely driven career wise. We met when he was stationed near me for initial training, and is now based 4hrs drive away. We meet up every other weekend, sometimes less frequently, usually halfway (both of us driving 2 hrs) as he owns a house which is roughly in the middle.

I met him as I was coming out of a 15 year relationship with my now ex. We have two DC, 10 and 8. All amicable with the ex and children have coped with separation very well. I have only recently told the DC about this chap as I didn't feel it necessary to mention him - he wasn't likely to become a factor in their life any time soon.

When I am with new chap (do I call him DP?) we have amazing weekends together, doing all the grown-up things you can do without children, living close to London, shows, parties, balls, all very exciting and wonderful.

However, I am finding the distance difficult, finding the concept of us never living together (not for next 10 years anyway) depressing, getting to the point where I want to spend more time with him yet because he has not met the kids we can't. This weekend we finally had the conversation.

Basically he has said he doesn't see his future as a parent to my kids. He's no issue with me having kids, fully understands my commitments, and is happy that I put them first. But in his last relationship he moved in with a woman with two teenage kids, she wanted him home every weekend, he had just got into the forces and didn't want to be tied down, the weekends were focused around the kids, they never had time together, one of the kids had emotional problems, and he was basically very honest that he wanted to date the mum, not the kids.

I am basically ok with this in lots of ways. I am enjoying my independence. I wouldn't move myself/the kids even if it was on offer as my ex is here and they need the relationship with their dad. I love my child-free weekends (have never been particularly maternal) and I am very attracted to him being career-driven and focused - he's a very strong/independent character and if he turned up at my doorstep with a suitcase I'd probably run away.
However, I can't help feeling bothered by the implication that I am trying to 'trap him' in some way, and that meeting the kids would be a slippery slope to weekends of domesticity, him helping run the kids around and generally being involved in family life. That was never on the cards, I'm not offering it, they have a dad, thank you. But the voice inside me is saying that if he really loved me, the kids should be accepted as part of that package.
The other issue is that after wonderful romantic weekends with him, I often find myself feeling sad to come back home and get on with the necessary humdrum business of parenting and working full time. His life in the forces as essentially a single man is just so different to mine, and I will admit I am jealous of his freedom, his ability to focus only on himself and his career. I am a nice little bonus, reasonably fit/attractive, happy to drive 4 hours to be on his arm at posh work and social events, adoring him. But it's not real life and he knows I want more. He has just been very honest about not being able to give it.

What would you do?

It's doomed. I'm sorry. But he has been honest with you so what you decide to do with that information is your choice but for as long as you are with him, you're not meeting the person who is right for you.

Most people who really love someone wouldn't be able to help wanting to meet their kids, I think. He's putting am artificial halt on how well he wants to know you and your life, your past and all the things that make you who you are, including your kids. This fact screams to me that he hasn't fallen in love with you, sorry.

You can't carry on in this dream world. You will begin to resent your kids through no fault of their own, because you can't be with him full time.

At least he has been honest I suppose. But it's an odd one. Your children will always be a part of who you are, yes I understand he may not want to be a parent to them, but he should still meet them, Where does he see the future with you?
Are you just someone he has sex with and meals out etc. What if he gets posted further away?

I think you know deep down that there is no future in this relationship - as another poster said, your post is full of contradictions...

You say on the one hand that you are happy with things the way they are, but then you are missing him and dreaming about a future together - which he has already said he doesn't want.

He's being honest about what he wants - which is a no-strings, no ties fun relationship, where you see each other now and again, and he doesn't have any involvement with your life - nor you with his. He is clearly very career driven and happy with his life the way it is - which is fine.

But you don't see him the same way - if you did you wouldn't be missing him and feeling like you want to cry at the thought of ending it.

Firstly I would say you have every right to feel the way you do - there is nothing wrong with wanting to build a life with somebody, and it's perfectly natural to want to involve somebody in all of your life once you have feelings for them. So don't feel like you're doing anything wrong - you're not. You're just investing those feelings in the wrong person.

You are dating.
You both have separate lives away from each other and have fun together too.
He's got a new career to focus on, you are just out of a relationship and don't actually want a father figure for the kids as they have a Dad clearly in their lives.

Will you still be together at eighty ? Maybe not but for now so long as it makes you happy, just enjoy it. Think of him as a holiday 2 days out of 14 . In time either one of you may decide you want something different so don't worry about what you or he should be feeling, enjoy it for what it is. When it no longer suits one or other of you or it has run its course you'll know and move on.

I agree with the PP who said that your post is full of contradictions, and you need to work out what you want and what you are happy to accept.

He has been upfront about what he can offer, and you say already that you are starting to resent his child- and responsibility-free life. This is not a good sign, since it comes across more that you think he shouldn't 'be allowed' to have it, rather than you wanting your own life to be like that. If you are thinking "how come he gets to swan around and do what he likes when it suits him?" then the answer is "he chose not to have children and has been very upfront about not wanting to step into any situation that might change that, even as a step parent". This is a very clear signal from him that what you want and what he wants are very different.

On a separate note, as the offspring of someone in the forces, I would say that having a DP in the army/navy/airforce/etc is not a life I would choose willingly for myself or for my (hypothetical) kids. Service people in a very literal sense put their job before their family -- they go away for long periods and risk their lives. And not just the risk of death, but the risk of serious, permanent injury, PTSD, mental health problems and substance abuse. But if you want a part-time partner and don't mind wondering if they're dead or not, or what exactly might come home to you after a deployment, sure, go out with someone in the forces.

Just enjoy it for now.

I have military family and friends. End it now. He likes the fact that he has you every other weekend, but I can guarantee you that the other 12 days out of 14, he has at least one other "lady friend" on the go. You won't be the only one. Get yourself tested.

The military will always come first with him, and they normally move every few years or so. So he's 4 hours away now, but he could within the next couple of years be in cyprus/gib/other end of the country.

This is exciting infatuation, a crush but not real love I don't think.

You've had the humdrum miserable life when married to your ex and now you have the complete opposite to him. Have your fun with the new man but ultimately you need to find one who is in the middle of these two extremes. Up for playing 'dad' roles but not being dad but also capable of shoving that to the side when the DCs visit their dad and you get alone time.

gamerchick lottielou you've articulated exactly my concerns/inner voices, God, this is so depressing.

To those who've queried whether he has someone else - I won't be so naive as to rule it out, but I think it's highly unlikely. I know his schedule and life is focused around his work, I've met his colleagues and we are in touch every day - if he is able to fit another romance in with all of that I'd be amazed (and impressed!)

To be fair, he was honest from the start about the constraints of his job and balancing feelings and the natural conclusion of growing closer with life in the forces and my family commitments.. it's always suited me and in some ways it still does, but this voice is just growing louder. Claraoswald that's exactly how I'm beginning to feel, compartmentalising is draining and the emotional highs and lows are becoming more obvious. Although I honestly can't ever see I would be comfortable dating a guy closer to home who wanted to be with me all the time as you describe - maybe it's too soon post last relationship but I think I would feel suffocated with that, personally.

Madginger I think that's unfair. You cannot guarantee that at all. I agree the military may always come first but it is simply not the case that every single guy in the forces has a "girl in every port"

Why can't you just enjoy what you have? If you are as independent as you say and aren't interested in being a parent to your kids, why finish it because he wants the exact same thing?
You can't have it both ways. Chill and have some fun.

Ultimately if you want a committed man he isn't it.
If you want to have fun, he's pretty damn near perfect .

For everything there is a season.
You just need to decide if you are happy for now with mr right now or if you are ready to start looking for Mr Right.

Oh laconnerie that was such a lovely and helpful post, even if I didn't want to hear it!

trafalgargal user146 and everyone in fact, I think I need to drink wine with you all and have you sort my life out.

The reality is that this relationship has no future. So if you're happy with that then continue to see him until it runs its course, and then move on.

But if as you say you are in love with him, then you know that you are going to get hurt when the end inevitably comes. So ask yourself whether you're prepared to continue the relationship for as long as you need to, or whether it would be better to get it over with now.

There's nothing wrong with not wanting to date someone with kids. There is everything wrong with saying you don't want to date someone with kids and therefore you will see someone with kids but expect them not to be part of the deal. Not wanting to date someone with kids equals dating childless people. Very simple.

When we go on holiday we leave the humdrum stresses and strains behind and often when we get home we have a low as we realise it's back to the same routine....however few people would refuse to go on holiday because it would make them feel a bit pants when it was over. He's your holiday , single parenting and working is Damn hard work, if you feel he's your reward or holiday from it...why not.

Don't feel you have to give him up because he isn't Mr Forever .....that isn't who you are looking for right now anyway.

To those who've queried whether he has someone else - I won't be so naive as to rule it out, but I think it's highly unlikely. I know his schedule and life is focused around his work, I've met his colleagues and we are in touch every day - if he is able to fit another romance in with all of that I'd be amazed (and impressed!)

I was in exactly the same position. He phoned most days, we were texting all day every day we weren't together, he took me to dineouts at his mess, I met all his friends. I lived 2 hours from him. Then he admitted that he had been seeing another girl who had also met his work colleagues and he was ending it with me, and going to keep dating her because she lived closer.

Looking back now, I'm relieved he picked her. I certainly wouldn't want the reason a guy picked me was because I lived closer.

What a lovely infatuation. Relationships start like this. But real life always nudges its way in. Imagine for some reason you did wait it out and move in together once your kids are grown. Then you will inevitably be picking up socks and taking turns emptying the dishwasher. That's real life.

I'm not particularly maternal eitheR to pick up on a line in your OP but "love me, love (well, accept, acknowledge, see!) my kids".

Nah you are sorting it pretty well.
You are still in the adjustment phase and enjoying having choices. Single Mums everywhere will be reading this and thinking "Is she nuts" 😄

madginger I hear you. It's absolutely a risk, but it's a risk for him, too (i.e. I could be dating other people) and infidelity isn't restricted to people in the military - it's a risk in any relationship. I just have to trust that he's not, whilst not being naive, not sure anyone can do more than that, really..

trafalgargal you are ace. Thanks for making me laugh!

It's not going to magically disappear. I would feel used in this situation. How are you going to be happy in this situation long term? You want different things.

bittapitta haha - the truth is my kids irritate the hell out of me much of the time - I won't pretend I can't relate to his fears!