Dating a man with no kids long distance - he doesn't want the kids to be part of our life together, am I a fool?

[papermoon55]

So,

Have been dating a man for over a year and a half. Am completely in love with him, he makes me laugh, he is kind, attentive, loving, honest, committed, intelligent, emotionally stable, rational, and generally gorgeous. He is also newly in the forces (following career change) and is extremely driven career wise. We met when he was stationed near me for initial training, and is now based 4hrs drive away. We meet up every other weekend, sometimes less frequently, usually halfway (both of us driving 2 hrs) as he owns a house which is roughly in the middle.

I met him as I was coming out of a 15 year relationship with my now ex. We have two DC, 10 and 8. All amicable with the ex and children have coped with separation very well. I have only recently told the DC about this chap as I didn't feel it necessary to mention him - he wasn't likely to become a factor in their life any time soon.

When I am with new chap (do I call him DP?) we have amazing weekends together, doing all the grown-up things you can do without children, living close to London, shows, parties, balls, all very exciting and wonderful.

However, I am finding the distance difficult, finding the concept of us never living together (not for next 10 years anyway) depressing, getting to the point where I want to spend more time with him yet because he has not met the kids we can't. This weekend we finally had the conversation.

Basically he has said he doesn't see his future as a parent to my kids. He's no issue with me having kids, fully understands my commitments, and is happy that I put them first. But in his last relationship he moved in with a woman with two teenage kids, she wanted him home every weekend, he had just got into the forces and didn't want to be tied down, the weekends were focused around the kids, they never had time together, one of the kids had emotional problems, and he was basically very honest that he wanted to date the mum, not the kids.

I am basically ok with this in lots of ways. I am enjoying my independence. I wouldn't move myself/the kids even if it was on offer as my ex is here and they need the relationship with their dad. I love my child-free weekends (have never been particularly maternal) and I am very attracted to him being career-driven and focused - he's a very strong/independent character and if he turned up at my doorstep with a suitcase I'd probably run away.
However, I can't help feeling bothered by the implication that I am trying to 'trap him' in some way, and that meeting the kids would be a slippery slope to weekends of domesticity, him helping run the kids around and generally being involved in family life. That was never on the cards, I'm not offering it, they have a dad, thank you. But the voice inside me is saying that if he really loved me, the kids should be accepted as part of that package.
The other issue is that after wonderful romantic weekends with him, I often find myself feeling sad to come back home and get on with the necessary humdrum business of parenting and working full time. His life in the forces as essentially a single man is just so different to mine, and I will admit I am jealous of his freedom, his ability to focus only on himself and his career. I am a nice little bonus, reasonably fit/attractive, happy to drive 4 hours to be on his arm at posh work and social events, adoring him. But it's not real life and he knows I want more. He has just been very honest about not being able to give it.

What would you do?

I think you need to tell him that you need to know he wants a future that will at times involve your kids, it's perfectly acceptable to expect this from a LTP, if he can't even do that for you, then really, what's his worth, he doesn't sound of value to me.

what age are you both?

If you're happy to live this way for 10+ years then go for it, but he's not going to change. He has a good job, independence, regular sex every couple of weeks, no children or ties to any particular area - why would he want to change that?

There's nothing wrong with the set-up you have IF you're both happy, but I sense you're not as happy as you wish you were, or you wouldn't be posting here. Are you really content to be with a man who has no interest in your children?

He actually sounds like a lovely bloke. And he is prepared to see your kids on special occasions. But this isn't the relationship you want.

Maybe he's not fully committing just in case.....he will never know where he's going to be posted.

I think you'll eventually get so miserable about the situation that you'll give it up.

LizzeMacQueen 38 and 40. Old enough to know better!

phoenix but I don't need or want him to be a parent. They have a dad. Even if he saw them regularly, that would not be something I would ask or expect of him.

Hermione he's definitely happy. It would seem I am not, but can't bring myself to do anything about it.

What does your family say about his attitude towards your kids OP and just him in general?

IME military men often have a DW/DP in a settled location who appears for balls, ceremonials etc and a local girlfriend who may get to go to lower profile events. There's a lot of colluding and Madginger's experience is far from uncommon.

If you're happy with a detached relationship fine, but if you're really wanting to have some much needed me time before settling down with someone special, he's already told you that's not happening. All the time you spend on him is stopping you from meeting someone whose expectations are closer to yours.

I don't see why it should be a problem, to be honest. You don't have to live together. He can meet your children at some point without becoming a parental figure. Relationships don't all take one single form - there are very happy couples who live separately.

The point is whether you are happy with this or whether you would want your partner to live with you and your children. If the latter, then you should leave him, yes. But otherwise, if you accept that he will not be a conventional in-house partner, you can have a good relationship, I think.

What happens when you talk about your children, does he listen, engage and show interest or is it a closed subject?

I can see what he is getting out of this but from your pov, not really.

For crying out loud Enough with the "it's never going to work" none of you know the OP or her boyfriend.

I'm seeing comments from people who had/have relationships that didn't work and women who were cheated on by men in the military . I'm also seeing some resentment from women that the OP gets to have freedom to have a few days a month to be free and have fun. If you don't have that choice or even can't see yourself in any terms except motherhood that's fine but enough of the transference . People don't have to fit one particular mould. The OP has already made it clear she's a working woman who loves her kids but isn't defined purely in terms of Motherhood. Her children have a father who is deeply involved with his children so she doesn't need a man who wants to take the Father role and in fact a man who did might be quite damaging to the status quo. The OPs boyfriend doesn't want to be responsible for children ....in time he will meet them and they will become real people to him not an abstract concept (plus in time the memory of his last gf who was looking for a replacement Daddy will fade)

I have friends who waited to marry or live together until the children were at uni or left home as they didn't want to create a new domestic family unit as the children already had that with both parents. Relationships evolve over time there's nothing to say the OPs won't . He's clearly family minded not anti family which is a positive but he is also not trying to please the OP with empty promises he can't keep. He sounds like an honest man and that's not always a given.

The OP isn't looking for a father for her kids or a sperm donor for anymore so why should she end a relationship with a man she clearly thinks a lot of just because he doesn't fit the MN stereotype of a partner (or maybe some people are just incapable of giving any advice that isn't LTB)

Nothing to do with MN, we are all strangers trafal so we are not all in cahoots with the MN stereotype, for goodness sake, we are all individuals on here, why so angry?

We can't all agree no, but we are all entitled to our opinion, you included, no need to attack us for not sharing yours.

^^
This, trafalgargal

I think a relationship like the one you describe sounds blissful, imo there is nothing wrong with seeing someone only for fun, exciting times. But the issue is you don't sound happy with it, and that means it is a problem. Also be very careful about his description of his previous partner, you are only hearing his side of that story.

OP if you can define what is missing it might help your confusion.
Is it that although you don't want him to live with you you feel he should want to just to prove you are important to him for example ?

Maybe you've got a real cushty set up but you don't realise it?

I'm not angry .....although a little pissed off with people who insist they KNOW it won't work out.

This thread is interesting. I've posted in the past wondering when is the right time to introduce a boyfriend to kids, in the context of a single parent with no father around (hence no child-free time apart from evenings when they're in bed). I was told by many people that I shouldn't consider introducing a boyfriend for at least a year, and even then it should just be in occasional low-key "days out" settings.
Yet on this thread people are implying it's doomed because he doesn't want to get involved in your family life.
OP if you are looking for a partner to share every aspect of your life, aim to move in with you, come to school plays etc - then this man is not the one, and spending time with him is preventing you from meeting that "right" man for you.
However, if you're not looking for that, then I don't think you've really got much to lose by continuing this relationship. Who knows what may happen in the future, how you/his feelings towards family life may change. He's very into his career at the moment, but that may change as time passes. Personally I wouldn't end it unless it was making me actively unhappy now.

I think you need to ask yourself whether you're really happy to devote your life to a man who will never be a proper part of your life? How can he be? You have children and that's never going to change.

If he doesn't want to play daddy, he won't live with you. Even when your kids are adults, they still might live at home for several years or come back home should they divorce or run into difficulties. What's he going to do? Refuse to have your children back under your roof? Never live with you because of the children?

Some people would be happy with that but I sense you're not, only because you posted on here. Ultimately it's your decision but I think you're going to end up feeling torn between this man and your kids. The two are never going to come together because it's not what he wants.

What do YOU want?

Quite honestly, I think you’re crackers to continue this. Mainly because, for this to work and you not to get hurt, you really have to have more tepid feelings than you appear to have for this guy. You’re mad about him, that’s quite obvious, and your posts read that there’s nothing stopping you from eventually committing to him and his life 100%. But he’s not prepared to “compromise” on his career or his views on sharing you with your children. That discrepancy is always going to be there. If he had been thinking long term in any way at the outset of this relationship he would’ve backed off as soon as you mentioned the kids. The fact that he’s continued to see you indicates that he just isn’t seriously considering a future with you. If you continue he will be the one that draws a line under it, after you’ve introduced him to the kids and he’s made his feelings of ‘meh’-ness towards them quite clear.

You refer to his drive and desire to focus on his career- there’s absolutely nothing stopping him from continuing on this path and still plan to live with you one day. We know people who work in Bulford or Caterick but have a family home in NI which they come back to every or every-other weekend. Army Careers aren’t like regular jobs either where he’d be looking at retirement at 60- the vast, vast majority sign off by their mid-forties. He’s setting out his stall, not just for now but for ever, using a pretty transparent and relatively short-term excuse. I also agree with some of the somewhat negative stereotypes above- a culture of cheating is rife in many units and there is little or no concern given to spouses (even when the spouse is also in the forces!). Not saying that that’s what’s happening here, but it’s just something to be mindful of.

Even if it did last long-term and you did eventually move in together, you could just imagine the upset that him refusing to play an active role would throw up- kids asking to moving back after uni, needing financial assistance, asking for help with ad hoc childcare or even just a bit of support in general. Parenting doesn’t end when they’re 18, and if he always took the view that they weren’t “his problem” it would end up being a very unpleasant environment.

I don’t mean to be harsh and I hope that you come to a decision that you can be at peace with. Please just don’t tell yourself that it’s a just “bit of fun” and that you’re happy with the status quo, two, three years down the line when it’s very clear that that’s no longer the case.

why should she end a relationship with a man she clearly thinks a lot of just because he doesn't fit the MN stereotype of a partner

Because if OP's completely honest with herself, she wants more from him and he's been very open about not wanting to give it to her.

That means either OP suppresses her own wants in order to stay with this man on his terms. Or she decides she'd be happier with someone who can give her what she wants.

I don't see any problem at all with this relationship trafalgargal. Apart from the fact that it's making the OP unhappy.

I also think it's unrealistic to think you can continue with a FWB style relationship once you've introduced them to the kids and they're coming round on Xmas day.

So either the OP carries on as is. Which is fine if she's happy with it. But I think she needs seriously to think about what she wants longterm. Not for her kids, for her. Because I'm not sure this guy is it.

I think he has a cheek expecting you to wait 10 years to live together, is this because of your children, waiting for them to grow up or is it something else I have missed?

Either way, it's insulting, he should be fitting in with your family, not the other way around, you have responsibilities to your two kids, he knew this when he met you.

In other words, it shouldn't bloody matter if you have kids, you only have them 50% of the time, what's he worried about.

Sounds lots of fun but reads to me that you are essentially his mistress.

In due course he might decide he'd like to settle down and start a family. With someone else.

Oh my goodness.

Could you ALL please come round to my house tonight and drink wine with me?

And trafalgar, I think I love you.

Possibly an additional complication I don't need right now..