Dating a man with no kids long distance - he doesn't want the kids to be part of our life together, am I a fool?

[papermoon55]

So,

Have been dating a man for over a year and a half. Am completely in love with him, he makes me laugh, he is kind, attentive, loving, honest, committed, intelligent, emotionally stable, rational, and generally gorgeous. He is also newly in the forces (following career change) and is extremely driven career wise. We met when he was stationed near me for initial training, and is now based 4hrs drive away. We meet up every other weekend, sometimes less frequently, usually halfway (both of us driving 2 hrs) as he owns a house which is roughly in the middle.

I met him as I was coming out of a 15 year relationship with my now ex. We have two DC, 10 and 8. All amicable with the ex and children have coped with separation very well. I have only recently told the DC about this chap as I didn't feel it necessary to mention him - he wasn't likely to become a factor in their life any time soon.

When I am with new chap (do I call him DP?) we have amazing weekends together, doing all the grown-up things you can do without children, living close to London, shows, parties, balls, all very exciting and wonderful.

However, I am finding the distance difficult, finding the concept of us never living together (not for next 10 years anyway) depressing, getting to the point where I want to spend more time with him yet because he has not met the kids we can't. This weekend we finally had the conversation.

Basically he has said he doesn't see his future as a parent to my kids. He's no issue with me having kids, fully understands my commitments, and is happy that I put them first. But in his last relationship he moved in with a woman with two teenage kids, she wanted him home every weekend, he had just got into the forces and didn't want to be tied down, the weekends were focused around the kids, they never had time together, one of the kids had emotional problems, and he was basically very honest that he wanted to date the mum, not the kids.

I am basically ok with this in lots of ways. I am enjoying my independence. I wouldn't move myself/the kids even if it was on offer as my ex is here and they need the relationship with their dad. I love my child-free weekends (have never been particularly maternal) and I am very attracted to him being career-driven and focused - he's a very strong/independent character and if he turned up at my doorstep with a suitcase I'd probably run away.
However, I can't help feeling bothered by the implication that I am trying to 'trap him' in some way, and that meeting the kids would be a slippery slope to weekends of domesticity, him helping run the kids around and generally being involved in family life. That was never on the cards, I'm not offering it, they have a dad, thank you. But the voice inside me is saying that if he really loved me, the kids should be accepted as part of that package.
The other issue is that after wonderful romantic weekends with him, I often find myself feeling sad to come back home and get on with the necessary humdrum business of parenting and working full time. His life in the forces as essentially a single man is just so different to mine, and I will admit I am jealous of his freedom, his ability to focus only on himself and his career. I am a nice little bonus, reasonably fit/attractive, happy to drive 4 hours to be on his arm at posh work and social events, adoring him. But it's not real life and he knows I want more. He has just been very honest about not being able to give it.

What would you do?

As an asides DoinItFine has just defined the difference between a dp and dbf/dgf.
He is is not your dp and I can't see that this has a long term future for you.

I'm going to go against the grain here and say that IF you're happy to maintain the status quo, and perhaps augment it by birthday/Christmas time together, this could work. You are clearly not looking for a surrogate father for the children and once he's experienced this, rather than just hearing it, he may well relax and you could find a space where you're both happy and comfortable.

And fwiw, I would ignore the pp who have said he's guaranteed to have other women. He's not. He doesn't want other women. He wants you.

Just trying to make the point that you said you'd met his work colleagues so you didn't think he'd have others. I was so embarrassed when he told me and I realised that I had met all of his work colleagues, and we'd had a great time, and all along they had known that I had no idea he had another girl on the go. What really baffled me, was that he started reading my favourite book because I had mentioned it was my favourite.

But about your original post; it doesn't sound like this relationship is going anywhere. It's going to run it's course sooner or later because he doesn't want to be immersed in family life and you have children. You already day you love him, so better to end it now before you get even more involved and end up more hurt.

Being a parent doesn't mean you can't have a life of your own but it really reads how you wish you were as free and easy as him and that's really awful for your children.

StillDrSeth You don't know many squaddies do you?

thatwould I do actually. I'm not saying it doesn't happen, but it certainly isn't the case that they all do it. It's like saying categorically "all men cheat" or "all women want kids".

I would keep my options open. If he is happy with a FWB arrangement where you are free to pursue a committed relationship with someone else if you wish, then I would keep the status quo and enjoy myself. If he wants a monogamous relationship with you but has no plans to ever meet your children or eventually live with you and see you more, I would knock it on the head and let him go. Only upset and angst paves the way otherwise. You can't change him.

I'd say 9/10 military men/women do StillDrSeth and they're quite boastful about it amongst each other as well.

I sort of agree with goingtobeawesome - you do seem to be talking yourself into a mindset whereby it's the kids that are wrong for you rather than the man.
I know you probably don't mean for that to come across but I did pick up on it on first reading.

thatwould Perhaps so. Then say "in your experience". But the PP said they could GUARANTEE that the OP's chap has at least one other lady on the go. Not, that he might, that he HAS. Not the same thing, and not fair. We also know that just because someone says they do X, doesn't mean they actually do - a lot of men, especially in the pack mentality, say things to be seen as "one of the lads" when many of them actually don't. Just like when they say "I have a huge dick", a good proportion don't, but they sure like to make the boast to big themselves up to those they want to impress.

Sometimes I do feel used, loveyoutothemoon, and I think it's easy to write it off as a fundamental incompatibility. I am not ruling that out. But I'm not in a hurry to cut my nose off to spite my face, either. He is loving, attentive, supportive, interested in my life, we talk about his career challenges and mine, he listens to my day to day issues with the kids, balancing the ex and says just enough to be supportive yet not judgemental. He makes the effort to include me in what's going on in his life, he prioritises our time together and fits in other friends and commitments after we've looked at our schedules together. Of course, it could all be a complete sham, but if I take it as I find it, he gives every impression of being an emotionally balanced, healthy individual who gives himself completely to the relationship as far as his (and our) circumstances allow. I can't find fault with him on that. It took him a long time for him to tell me he loved me, he isn't prone to emotional outbursts or introspection but certainly I felt he has been very cautious about allowing himself to become emotionally involved precisely because he was realistic about his situation, and what he could offer. In those early months he did articulate his fears that I would eventually want more than he could give, not in a narcissistic way, although it would be easy to categorise him in such a way, but just in a very honest and open way that the relationship had to work for us both.
He's also clearly been hurt in the past; he's not talked extensively about this but he's said enough to make me understand the resulting approach to being independent and focused on himself first for the time being. I respect that, although I see it could be argued that I am being naive.
Part of me does just think 'meet the bloody kids'. It's really no big deal, I'll stop catastrophising it all and, as others have said, it might free me up to just enjoy things for what they are, rather than projecting into a future I'm not even ready for.

He's having a nice time and with no responsibility. You must take the time to get ready to meet him. Shop for things to wear and prepare and looking your best. Giving your all to the meetings and get back and feel tired and lacking in love in your everyday life. This isn't good as you'll be closed to relationships that are local. Even just being friends and enjoying someones company with them accepting your family and your daily life would be great.

Even when your children are older, surely you would want your partner to know them, be a part of their lives? Share in their successes etc.

You need to ditch him. Now. You're going to get your heart broken regardless. Better now than waste even more time.

Sorry. But you know it's the right thing to do or else you wouldn't have posted. Seriously. Give yourself a shake. You're better than this!

pictish that's what I'm worried about, too. But I have never been very maternal. I know that's the worst thing for a mother to say and part of me questions whether I should end the relationship so I can focus on the kids, but I'm pretty sure that wouldn't be the right solution for me either. I realise that's immensely selfish and sad for the kids; I'm just being honest. I still feel enormous guilt for even thinking it. xx

Part of me does just think 'meet the bloody kids'.

He does not want to meet your children. He's made it perfectly clear. He knows that sooner or later this relationship will end as he will have to move with his career and you are tied to where you are, coupled with the fact that he has made it clear he does not want to play happy families with your children.

If you're happy with the status quo, then carry on. But you are going to end up very disappointed if you continue hoping that this will evolve the way you want it too.

Yes agree StillDrSeth that's wrong to say he definitely has with out knowing him. My DH has worked with the military for nearly 20 years has seen it happen in offices he's worked in, sadly the mentality for cheating is rife.

You have a family and you will ALWAYS have a family. He isn't interested in what is a massive part of your life and always will be. How can that ever work? I don't think you think very much of your children if you are contemplating any kind of future with him.

madginger "He does not want to meet your children."

Actually, that's not true either (adding to the overall confusion of the thread), as the OP has herself said the bloke is perfectly happy being involved with them at things like family gatherings for birthdays and on Christmas. He just doesn't want to LIVE with them or spend regular whole weekends with them.

you want your own life and quite right. You need to be with someone who values your family life and helps you with the kids and daily tasks. A real relationship not this hook up with a man who doesn't want to know this part of you. Why do you have to drive 2 hrs? He should be letting you rest at home and drive the extra distance. Time to test the relationship and see if he shapes up or you break up.

Sorry, haven't read all the replies but honestly, is he worth it, he's basically told you that there is no future for you two as he will never want to meet your kids - what a bloody insult for you and I'd have probably ended it there and then, and as for being jealous of his freedom, you really should not be comparing yourself to him, you have a family, and that's a blessing.

StarUtopia so if I said to you (cue whingey voice) but I love HIM, I'm not sure I could find anyone as perfect as him... etc etc what would you say? I am pretty sure even if I did finish with it I would spend an eternity moping and feeling that no-one else could compare with him. The way I see it, I'm screwed either way.

Or not screwed. That's the only downside of the relationship - no regular sex!

Cheating on you - check this out. I bet he his and that is based on his lack of commitment and kindness to you.

Crikey painteddrives that's a massive leap in logic - I may be in a bit of turmoil about it all but I don't think it necessarily follows that wanting to be with him means I don't think much of my children..

StillDrSeth exactly, hence my confusion. How much of this is me blowing things out of all proportion? He asked me to stop second-guessing him and be direct about what I wanted.

It will be hard and you will be sad but you will come to value yourself as worth more than being used like this. You enjoy the relationship but the thought of commitment is in your mind. If you can completely detach from the future, your need of a relationship, him seeing other women then you will be ok but that's a lot to say you don't care on. Get checked for std's and stick to safe sex if you decide to keep on with him.