Tinder Temptresses Unite....It's Dating Thread 106

[PrizeyPrize]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize-they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Read Why Men Love Bitches (aka WMLB), and take from it what you will. 12. Don't serve up moose burgers on the first date (although this is still in debate right now) 13. Matthew Hussey also very useful. And very easy on the eye even if you don't find him any good. 14. IF THEY SAY THEY DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP, THEY DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP

Hi ladies, I think I'm giving up this online dating - all the men I seem to meet are very needy and desperate to be in a full on relationship.

Met a nice guy on POF, messaged a bit before meeting, met him once seemed a nice guy. However, the texts he was sending me after gave me the creeps - telling me I was his girl, his baby, asking if I missed him, he's got me now......scared the crap outta me.

This showed me I am so not ready for a proper relationship, think I will just enjoy playing the field a bit longer. As soon as I meet anyone who gets really keen I find something about them I don't like and it puts me off...the guy before this one had horrible toes.

Misszp..hard one..I'm one of these people who likes to know where I stand..within reason as far as you can do?! How long have you been seeing him?
I know I sound like I'm totally jumping the gun but this could prove important. My date pretty much ticks every box tbh..however he is my age..on his profile under children it said 'not sure'..it's a massive thing to talk about and I'm not one for jumping in but I am at that latest point of having a child age?! Has anyone has the chat and it's become a problem too far down the line and you wish you'd addressed it?

misszp that sounds lovely, I'd try not to worry too much about his plans, just try to enjoy the buzz of it all.

My long-distance boy is still messaging alot, I'm starting to really like him now.
Ah balls.... Also having lovely flashbacks of night together

I don't think he's a player, I'm not getting that impression at all. At least I think I'm not, I was spot on last time.

NowWhat I'm totally with you on feeling that bitch and whore etc are not complimentary, whatever the bedroom situation. Dirty yes, not a problem being told they 'didn't expect me to be so...' - but I've found the men who liked a bit of wonderfully filthy sex and me as a person were those who either just used it as an adjective alone, or with an appropriate noun - woman!

Also -had a language / translation conflict the other day. I was called something in German (which I don't speak but he does) - it either meant young lady OR little girl! One is a nice compliment....the other, a bit weird?!

Bettyswollix I've met somebody I really like but if he said ''i've got you now'' I'd still be scared.

While we're talking about sex.......... on my fourth date with MSG the subject of sex came up and he was saying how important it is to him in a relationship blah blah blah. It just reminded me of H saying ''sometimes it's right emotionally but not physically" and so then I felt like the sex was an audition and that I didn't get the part after all. Sort of like, H had me in mind for a part but then thought, no, I'll audition a few more! re-cast!

So when I next see MSG I think I'm going to serve it back to him a bit. Like, he's put some pressure on me (without meaning to I'm sure) that sex is some big performance that the woman in his life has to be up to. So I plan to carefully articulate that for me it's about emotional safety, affection, touch, comfort, reassurance, that it's a mirror of the relationship (fledgling though it may be) and that any inference at all that sex is a performance is a massive turn off to me.

I don't want to get in to something physical with him until he knows that it's not just performance. Or that, if that's what it is, that is only his perspective and mine would be equally as valid. And that he could be a disappointment to me too if he comes on too strong, expecting me to be a whore in the bedroom. Oh god knows what he expects. men scare me sometimes. even the nice ones.

It wasnt even filthy sex.

Im not talking whips, chains and anal so i dont even get why I was called that. Just generally being up for enjoyment and not just lying there and being really active.

I only know how I am and what I like. I dont know how other women are.
But the feedback I get from men is that many dont do what I do: which to me is not even big a deal.

However we did discuss numbers and he's been with about 20 and none of them have apparently ever done what I do.

I didnt like being called a dirty bitch so he stopped. He was lovely the first night. Maybe that is his general attitude.

Then there was the low tolerance for arseholes and arseholes includes women who have food allergies who cant eat certain things: it just annoyed him terribly. Sensing some anger issues.

nowwhat1983 and it could be that as much as he likes you, he sees a relationship first and foremost as a conduit to the weird misogynist sex that is his first priority (where he calls women whores and bitches) so now that he knows he can't do that with you, he's moving on to find somebody who will tolerate that shit

women on the other hand want sex that reflects a good relationship.

Somedays I just despair at the different things men and women want.

He sounds either really fucked up. Any woman who enjoys sex is 'dirty' and a bitch
Or he watches a lot of porn where sex is something men DO to women.

Either way, nowwhat1983 don't look back. You haven't been rejected. You rejected his weird misogynist behaviour and he is actually actively seeking somebody with lower standards than yours. That is not a rejection. You have filtered yourself out of his search by wanting a man who sees sex as a ............ joint collaboration.

He's never really had a relationship though. 6 months being the longest but he's been with around 20 women.

So most of his relationships are what 2-5 months.

That is nothing and if he is barely available as always at work then what time has he ever spent with a woman.

Shame though as he was very sweet up until that moment.

One of my male friends said adjust your attitude: be a user. Dont be used.

He said if I just vanish it makes me look better. I wouldnt dream of contacting him now

Yeh, vanish, I agree with that part.

Don't be a user though. That's very sad advice to follow. Does your male friend use everybody?

No. I think he just felt for me. Telling me not to be used. He's a good guy.

I am vanishing.

Signed up online again and got loads of messages. But just ended up crying. I'm so mad at him, I hate that I am back out having to date again when I thought we were so bloody happy. I miss him. Stupid cheating bastard.
Not contacted him though and shan't be doing.
I'm just going to read the wise words on this thread instead.

Nowwhat - I think vanishing is the tight thing to do

polkadotrocks

Remind me of your backstory

Polka, I wouldn't put yourself out there in the dating context when you feel vulnerable.

Focus on the fabulous life part.

Polka, if you're new to the thread maybe you aren't familiar with the hilarious Amy Young and the fabulous Matt Hussey who gives an insight in to the male mind in the early stages of dating.

Polka. (Nowwhat it's a few posts down)
It's really hard, I remember feeling exactly the same. Deleting profile again and again. In between sobbing fests. Take it slowly and just do what is comfortable. Don't put pressure on yourself if you are not comfortable. Maybe something a bit gentler like meet up to meet like minded people, men and women rather than pure dating might be easier right now?

Thank you everyone, will hide my profile, it's too early I think.

I will watch that clip - thank-you :)

Nowwhat - split up 2 weeks ago after a year. He promised me all sorts, we had a holiday booked, he couldn't have been more loving and convincing how much he loved me. Turned out that almost from the very beginning he had been talking to other women online and cheating on me.

I just can't understand why he made me think everything was perfect :(

Sorry, I've only just joined the thread and done nothing but moan. Promise I will cheer up! Just am putting the game face on in RL, guess the mask has to slip somewhere!

It's OK Polka. You've had a shit time of late. Vent as much as you like. Plenty of hands to hold on here

Hey, I felt like that mid April. I took TEN WEEKS off! just found a great yoga class to go to (actually going to a second yoga class now) New Obsession! Carried on working out like a warrior, booked a holiday, went on my own to a few meetups, which was scary but I felt so proud of myself and it really filled up one of my tanks as John Gray would say......... and I tried to be a bit more present with my kids etc, then ten weeks later I realised I felt really good about things again and thought fuck it, I'll get back on POF. I had about 16 men messaging me at one point, whittled it down to the best two and met one friday night, the other one saturday night.
ten week break did me the world of good though.

Ooh, thanks you two.

pigeon - did you go on holiday on your own?!

I'm going to make a recovery plan :)

Sorry thread is just moving way too fast for me to keep up properly! But just wanted to say pigeon that's bloody great you did all that, good for you! And am so pleased your dating is going well but good for you for aiming to have a chat about sex, it certainly shouldn't feel like an audition and as you say, your view is equally as important.

Nowwhat I think you've dodged a bullet but the ghosting after being so keen is really hard to take, I've had it too, it's like they take away your choice in the matter for no valid reason. Frustrating!

Polka welcome! Perhaps browse OLD but go gently, it can be brutal. Pigeon gives great advice there on enjoying being you first, especially after what you're going through.

Numerous pages back on the last thread I talked about focusing on negatives to protect myseld and it seems I wasn't alone! This guy really is lovely and so I'm trying to be brave and positive and roll with it because deep down I know I'll regret ruining it I carry that on.

Hi to everyone else and apologies but I just can't keep up with it all, especially only on my phone with the small screen and keypad!

Nowwhat - split up 2 weeks ago after a year. He promised me all sorts, we had a holiday booked, he couldn't have been more loving and convincing how much he loved me. Turned out that almost from the very beginning he had been talking to other women online and cheating on me.

Oh Polka. I've been there a few years ago. Together a year. met the family, met the friends. He called his new house an investment for our future. Let me choose some of the furnishings. He allowed me to veto the choice of mattress, I didnt like memory foam and he reasoned I would be sleeping there as often as him so he went with the bed choice I wanted.

he went distant on me and i put it down to his imminent redundancy which I knew was stressful

He wasn't too stressed to cheat which is what he was doing and the reason for his distance. He blamed me for it all and I didnt find out for a year the truth.

he has married her now

2 weeks is way too soon. You will compare everyone to your ex and you wont see the new men for who they are. I know from bitter experience.

Nowwhat I think you've dodged a bullet but the ghosting after being so keen is really hard to take, I've had it too, it's like they take away your choice in the matter for no valid reason. Frustrating!

Tulip I know you're right. This guy made it clear his relationships dont last as they dont like he is never free.

It is hard to take. He was so keen and I dont know what happened on the way back in the car where he said keep in touch after being all over me earlier. What did I say .....