Giving up my children

[Throughautomaticdoors]

I've had severe pnd for six months and nothing has helped. I feel like I'm either going to end up dead or as an inpatient. The only way I can see to avoid those things is to leave dh and give up any access to my children.
I know my parents would still want to see them. Would that just be at the discretion of dh and his mother who he would go and live with? If I'm ever well enough to work I presume I'd pay maintenance?

You need to forget about the rotavirus...that is not the problem here. You are suffering from PND and as a parent who cares deeply about her children you have a responsibility to seek help. You are so upset about not doing the responsible by getting your daughter vaccinated...well I would argue you have a much bigger and more important responsibility now to seek help for your mental health. That doesn't mean writing your children off to be cared for by someone else...that's not even trying to cure your problem, that's just giving up and that's not good enough. As a responsible parent pick up the phone now and get help.

It's not about Rotavirus is it OP? It's about hanging your anxiety on something. Your baby is so precious that it's incredibly difficult to have full responsibility for their welfare while you don't feel capable of looking after yourself.

With me it was HIV. I decided that I must have contracted it when I was younger from sleeping around. My baby (10 years later) must have got it from me. I couldn't imagine a time when my Ds would grow up as I was convinced that every cough or white-coated tongue was a symptom. I closed my eyes and all I could see was his body on a mortuary slab. I cried in Asda when my DH picked up an age 2-3 jacket because I knew my baby wouldn't be alive then. I took sleeping tablets every night and crawled into bed really late so I wouldn't have to lie still and suffer the visions of my dead baby.

I was ill and you're ill. Neither my Ds or I have HIV, and your baby will not die from Rotavirus. Please tell your Gp or HV about these thoughts.

I got the right dose of the right drug eventually and the fear began to lift. My youngest is 17 now and I look back with sadness about how distorted my perceptions were. I remember the awful feeling of my body turning red-hot with terror whenever a grim thought won the battle in my head.

It's all in your head OP, it can be fixed and it will if you let the people around you know how bad it's become. You will be the mother you want to be for your children.

The harsh reality is that you're worried about her 'suffering' through getting rotavirus, and yet you're hoping that you will die some night and leave her without a mum? Can't you see how much that would cause her to suffer throughout her entire life? Vomiting bug versus no mum?

Can't you see how much that would cause her to suffer throughout her entire life? Vomiting bug versus no mum?

Logic doesn't work when you're in the grip of health anxiety or depression.

Op I really hope you can get to see your doctor today. You can get better with help.

Hi op-please call your GP or HV today.

I'll do it!

I couldn't not respond after reading this, you sound so worn down and desperate.

What I will say is that you sound the most wonderful mother. Completely get the guilt thing, my best friend told me when I was pregnant that it's not something that ever really goes, you will always feel guilty about something or other, part of being a parent! The other day I was cutting my sons fingernails and I caught his skin accidentally, it bled and he cried. I felt awful, I had caused pain to my son. In the same way, You must try and begin to look past the vaccine thing, it cannot be changed and it will tear you apart googling it and thinking about it all the time.

You cannot be a perfect human and a perfect mother, we will do things wrong, have days when we feel we cannot cope, want to run away, mourn our old life and freedom. But I can absolutely say that your children are better with you. You say that your daughter is the happiest little girl. That's because of you, you have shaped her, you have raised her. You are her entire world and you are good enough!! You must try to believe it!

How were you when your son was little? How are your circumstances different? Is there anything that helped you back then? You say that your husband is away a lot and he doesn't sound that supportive, trust me that will play a huge part in how you are feeling, the enormity of doing it on your own. Is there no other sources of support you can access?

Oh and please don't feel guilty about the formula. It will enable you to leave DD for a little bit and have a break, it sounds like it's what you need! The first time I left my little boy it was for a hen do, I felt so incredibly guilty (there's that mum guilt again!) it seemed I was going for a selfish reason and as it wasn't for his benefit I felt awful! I panicked about breastfeeding, would he eat, would he sleep?! But when I was there, I felt like the old me for a little while, I didn't have to worry about the things that utterly consume me day to day. And I came back refreshed. Baby was fine!

Please speak to your doctor. Tell the receptionists you don't want to discuss it. You just sound worn out and need a break, not a new life. Keep writing on here.

All the love in the word to you

OP, if you don't want to see your GP, do you have a DSN you'd be happy to chat to? I'm t1 too, and after falling apart on my DSN at the start of last year, ended up with 12 months of ACT (similar to CBT I believe) which I accessed directly through the diabetes centre at my local hospital. I can't tell you what a difference it's made.

I came close to anti-ds too, but opted to try without to start with, it felt like hard work but was worth it.

Good luck x

I've never even heard of rota virus or the vaccine. You are fixating on something that is very unlikely to happen because you don't want to deal with the reality. We all do things as parents we wish we hadn't. When I had PND, I threw DS's rattle at the wall and it cracked and I scared DS. I got in such a state about a cracked rattle that DH had to leave work and come home. That was my wake up call to go to the GP as I recognised that it wasn't healthy to get in such a state or lose it like that. I still get upset thinking about it and worrying that I may have affected DS now (he is much older) and what if I've damaged our bond because of my PND but I know it's irrational now because I can see that. Every good parent worries about the impact of their decisions on their child. THIS MAKES YOU A GOOD PARENT! A BAD ONE WOULDN'T CARE. It's also clear to see that you do love your children, the way you talk about them and their little faces. You don't really want to be away from them. It's the illness talking. One that can be helped and managed and eventually cured. But this can't happen until you go back to your GP and tell them your current treatment isn't enough and you need more help and fast. Write your thoughts down if necessary. They are there to help you.

to everyone

I spoke to my GP today who said that as I've only been on the higher dose for just over three weeks they wouldn't raise it again yet, normally 4-6 weeks she said. However she is going to refer me back to the perinatal psychiatrist in the meantime as that will take a week or so at least anyway and if no better by then then they might look at something different. She said as I've felt so unwell for such a long time it can take a while to come out of even with the medication.
I asked her about the bloody rotavirus and she said it was pretty rare anyway for babies to need rehydrating in hospital, mainly if anything they just get dioralyte (sp) and you never know which bug it was that caused the problem. She also said - as others on this thread have said - that there will be somewhat less chance of catching it thanks to herd immunity but it is so very contagious and the vaccine is only effective in about 70% of cases at preventing the virus altogether (95% against severe cases) that it will never be eradicated as other diseases have been.

That's fantastic news- well done on calling that was a an amazing thing to do!

Well done! It is such a tough thing to shift that sometimes you need to hit it with all the weapons you have at once. Take all the chances you're offered and keep looking into others. See if you can take some of the nervous energy you've used to research the virus and use it to resarch your condition, as frankly that is the more dangerous of the two.

(Incidentally I read that girls have a lower chance of getting rotavirus.)

I'm so glad, OP. You are on the way to recovery.

My twins were born at 33 weeks and got rotavirus (well I presume that's what it was!) at 11 months. No big deal, they puked a bit and went off their food but were better within about a week I think. I didn't give it a second thought. They were 3 lb when born, no big deal...they're 8 now, tallest in their class and intelligent. These things don't affect development, they're just bugs! You can't shield children from every bug and virus...it's life!

I'm so glad you went back to the GP, you know you're already sounding a bit more grounded.

Do you feel a bit calmer in yourself?

Really well done. Keep talking OP. You can beat this awful illness.

I couldn't read and run. I've been where you are and I did get better, sometimes I feel a bit anxious but nothing to write home about.
When I was at my sickest I believed that my baby would be better off without me and had planned my suicide. It was hellish and looking back I was obviously gravely unwell but at the time it was my firmly held belief. It took a while and a change of team but I am a lot better.

Just as an aside, I was like a zombie on 100mg of sertraline, my periods got heavier, longer, more often and more painful and I felt crap. It's quite a rare side effect but I found dropping the dose to 50mg worked really well.
PM me if you need to chat and well done for calling the GP, that's the first and hardest step to recovery x

I just wanted to say that you sound like a wonderful mother. I know that you can't see that at the moment because you are so ill, but please talk to people, talk to your husband if you can because you can and will feel better in time. You won't feel like this forever.

Feeling panicky again today, I didn't get much sleep. Dd didn't go off until 11pm then I was up expressing at 1am, she was up at 3am and then I was up again at 5am and then ds got up at 6.30am and I'd only gone back to sleep at 6am.

I also feel guilty that basically dd has never been anywhere or done anything. I did so much with ds but by the time he's off to school, I've expressed, fed her, she's had a nap, I've expressed again, fed her again, it seems time for the school run. I'm too tired to tmdo much anyway as well as my worry about catching rotavirus if we go out. I try and do stuff with her at home but it probably isn't the same. Sometimes I'm sure she looks bored, like is this it? Is this all there is for me?

You really do need to reduce the expressing and BF and introduce some formula. You must be absolutely exhausted! No wonder you cant think straight!

Of course your DD isnt 'bored' babies dont think like we do because they havent got words whirling round in their little heads. Being with her mum is heaven for her and the school trips, seeing other kids running around are plenty excitement. No second child gets the same level of maternal direct 'input' as the first but this is easily compensated for by the entertainment of having her brother to watch and the school trips.

Did you say she's 6 months and if so have you started her on solids yet?

But you do really need to challenge your perceptions of rotavirus 'danger'.
Can you speak to your health visitor, and you do need to reveal your own over anxiety to her. Your DD is big and strong and healthy. Even if she catches it firstly she will almost certainly just throw it off and her immune system will be all the stronger, secondly she has a super vigilant mum who is going to be watching her like a hawk and WILL make sure she gets rehydration fluids if needed, thirdly , in the very unlikely event (given the above) that she is admitted to hospital, she will be rehydrated and she will be fine! She will not die.

Take her out and stop worrying. Look at it like this, if she gets rotavirus you will afterwards realise that your fears are out of proportion so she will hopefully end up with a much less anxious happier mum!

Op has the GP given you any strategies for dealing with your worries while you're waiting for CBT?

A 6 month old hasn't the capacity for boredom. Be wary of the trap of ascribing more evolved reasoning to a baby incapable of such. It is a symptom of irrational thinking.

Me? Thinking irrationally? Surely not!

Yes I was almost tempted to go and spend a lot of time with a friend's baby who had just been vaccinated and see if was caught it just to get it out the way! My friend and her husband and her older child caught it from the baby...

It's just ds did rhythm time, he did gym babies at 6 months, baby massage, baby sensory, we went out every day. I have to say though he was a very difficult baby, possibly because he was tired and a little bit overstimulated a lot of the time.
If I didn't have ds I just wouldn't go out at all now. Frankly even getting dressed seems too much some days.

Oh and dd has just started solids but is literally just tasting things, it will be a long while I think before they are replacing much of the milk she has.

OP. My heart is going out to you. It is so clear how much you love your babies. Would it make you feel any better to tell you that I too delayed and missed the date? And that it is possible to pay privately to have it done? My daughter is booked in next month for it. Would you be in a position to do so? Would that take away the huge cloud of anxiety hanging over you, just waiting for her to catch the bug? (Which is so so unlikely btw).

You can't if she will be over 14 weeks and 6 days for the first dose - it is to do with the increased risk of the bowel twisting. The private clinic I spoke to originally said they could do it and then double checked and said no