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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Giving up my children

298 replies

Throughautomaticdoors · 30/06/2016 19:02

I've had severe pnd for six months and nothing has helped. I feel like I'm either going to end up dead or as an inpatient. The only way I can see to avoid those things is to leave dh and give up any access to my children.
I know my parents would still want to see them. Would that just be at the discretion of dh and his mother who he would go and live with? If I'm ever well enough to work I presume I'd pay maintenance?

OP posts:
Original poster
Throughautomaticdoors · 06/07/2016 09:13

I know. I think sometimes it's so everything is my fault - if he didn't make the decision and it goes wrong it's nothing to do with him.

OP posts:
ravenmum · 06/07/2016 09:16

Do you think your wish to give up the children to your inlaws might be a desperate wish to get some of that burden off your back?

ravenmum · 06/07/2016 09:20

"if he didn't make the decision and it goes wrong it's nothing to do with him"
Do you know, I think you've just shed some light on my ex's behaviour. I couldn't work out why he was always so indecisive. In his family, he was the silly clown who always did stupid things. Reading what you just wrote, I see the connection - never making a decision means people can't say you did something stupid again.

Original poster
Throughautomaticdoors · 06/07/2016 10:13

Yes I feel the responsibility is too much. I just want some time off the worry!

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 06/07/2016 10:20

What sorts of things do you do when you start worrying? Do you have any strategies for taking your mind off it?

Anxiety is horrible and I really hope you and your doctor can get on top of it. People saying "just stop worrying, it isn't logical" don't really get what it's like.

2nds · 06/07/2016 10:29

What age are they OP?

2nds · 06/07/2016 10:38

BTW your youngest seems very young and you say you worry that you haven't done much with her. Honestly I can relate to that, but your second, third, fourth or whatever isn't like your first. With your first you can give them all your attention, this is impossible with any subsequent babies if there is a close age gap and every mother of babies that were close together will tell you that. I have a 15 month age gap. That's not a failure and you can work on improving that over time.

Aerfen · 06/07/2016 11:22

" Honestly I can relate to that, but your second, third, fourth or whatever isn't like your first. With your first you can give them all your attention, this is impossible with any subsequent babies"
I said much the same 2nds, but it really doesnt matter that they get less maternal input because this is hugely compensated for by the excitement of watching their older siblings at play, and in the case of the OP the daily school trips which are a wonderful experience for a baby, watching the big kids, hearing them chatter. Seconds grow up knowing so much more and are in many ways more sophisticated than first borns.

Dulra · 06/07/2016 11:25

You are ill and you are receiving zero support and help from the one person who should be. I repeat you are ill you are not a bad mother you are not useless you are ill. The only useless parent in this situation is your dh. When you have pnd you are also not thinking rationally your thoughts and thought process is linked to your anxiety. Right now you need more support then ever I do not know how you are coping at all tbh. I had very bad pnd on my 2nd child I could not function at all. My mum had to move in and my dh had to go on reduced hours at work so he could also help out. I was given time and space to get better you cannot do that when you are also trying to cope with 2 small children. My gp met my dh on his own to spell out to him what he needed to do to support me and help me get better. Him and my mum effectively took over everything so I could get better my kids were grand their needs were being taken care of not by me short term but they have not been effected in the least by that period.
Is there anyone else that can support you at this time? If not I think you will have to go for in-house treatment and your dh will just have to take time off work and step up to the plate they are his kids too and for now he needs to be the main carer for them until you are well enough and you will be but only if you can make the changes now
Best of luck and please please please get yourself the help you need and deserve. If your dh is going to leave you for getting the treatment you need he is not worth having around

Aerfen · 06/07/2016 11:31

Yes I feel the responsibility is too much. I just want some time off the worry!
I am beginning to wonder if the root cause of your depression is not your children or your uncertainties about your mothering skills but your unhappiness with your immature husband?
Do you want to leave him but are fearful of leaving him because bringing up the children alone is even more frightening?
Or do you still love him, but just want him to be more supportive? Perhaps your depression is a cry for help to him, to which he isnt responding?
I wonder if you might benefit from some marriage guidance counselling, both of you?

HopperBusTicket · 06/07/2016 11:36

He is her parent too and by not making decisions he doesn't absolve himself of responsibility. It just doesn't work like that. It sounds like he is not helping you at all and that's not fair. It's hard when someone you love is ill but that's the deal isn't it.

I know it's easy for all of us to say don't worry about rotavirus but it's not easy for you. I haven't read the previous posts about anti-depressants but I know it can be tricky finding the right one.

Have you been referred to the perinatal psychiatric service? I had a community psychiatric nurse who would visit and phone regularly. It was more specialised help than my GP could offer and made the world of difference to me.

My only hope is that those of us posting who have been where you are will help you believe even just a little bit that you can get better. The way you are feeling at the moment is not an objective reality and it can change. I promise.

ravenmum · 06/07/2016 13:12

He doesn't get out of that easily. Don't forget that he has decided to leave the parenting to you. That's his decision. His responsibility.

One crippling aspect of depression is that you can't see beyond your own anxieties, fear, pain. They are all so big and hurt so much that you can't ignore them or sometimes even focus on anything else, and it can feel quite self-absorbed (yay, another reason to feel bad about yourself!). If you want to get through to him, though, it would help to work out what his problem is, too. Just as an example (maybe there's a totally different reason) perhaps he is so scared of responsibility that he is frozen in inaction. If you could help him work out the cause of his fear then a) he will respond better as you are offering him help, not criticism, and b) you might actually be able to improve things.

Before you can get to that point, though, you need to help yourself. If that means giving up some of the responsibility, even e.g. going into a mother and child unit, don't see it as failure. It's not; it's a constructive step towards improving your health, so that you can look after your children as you would like. It's not shameful; it's sensible.

nilbyname · 06/07/2016 20:49

op I can totally relate to the feeling of burden regarding my kids. My DH is a good guy, and for us it is irrational he does get up in the nights, and cook clean, but I do ultimately feel like the buck stops with me. Mothers guilt I think it's called. In ordinary times we just cope and get on with it, I can't imagine how it must feel magnified by PND. Flowers

nilbyname · 06/07/2016 20:51

Would a clear demarcation of jobs/responsibilities help?

Or could you just do as my mum did- she went on strike and left my dad to get on with it. They laugh about it now but I think it was really bad for a few days!

Kids are robust and really as long as you're there, and giving them time and kisses and cuddles, you're doing pretty good.

hopskip123 · 07/07/2016 13:58

Op, you absolutely must not make any decisions now, for your childrens sake please hang on.

Can you stay with your parents with children for 4 weeks until the meds kick in or until they change them for you?

glenthebattleostrich · 07/07/2016 15:24

Your husband disgusts me. He doesn't deserve to have a family and I hope when you are feeling stronger you dump his arse.

Please drop one express, start mix feeding. I'm certain a fair amount of blame for your illness is lack of support and lack of sleep.

If you are anywhere near west Yorkshire I'll help.

Original poster
Throughautomaticdoors · 08/07/2016 07:37

Dd has a cold. We were up 12.30am, I expressed at 2am and then she was up again at 3am before I'd even gone back to sleep, then 4.30am and then I expressed at 6am and got up at 6.30am.
Anxiety is through the roof this morning, I've been physically sick from it and it feels like I can't breathe properly. I was beside myself at 3am when do woke up and dh woke up and asked what was wrong. I said I was so tired that I wished I was dead. He said 'try and have a nap tomorrow' and then went back to sleep. I can't nap today. I have things to do. Although whether I'm safe to drive is very questionable.

OP posts:
DollyTwat · 08/07/2016 07:49

You're physically exhausted
You need to be taking care of yourself too, you are worth looking after as well as your dc

You have a H problem here more than anything, he's prepared to see you run yourself into the ground so he doesn't have to do anything

hopskip123 · 08/07/2016 07:52

Op please listen to us. You are not taking anything in. You need to hang on for a few weeks til your meds kick in or are changed.

How are you planning to get through the next few days/weeks? What chamges are you going to make to make things a little easier for YOU?

PurpleDaisies · 08/07/2016 08:00

How are you planning to get through the next few days/weeks? What chamges are you going to make to make things a little easier for YOU?

Yes-this is right. What's on your list of things to do that could be ditched so you can rest? Is there anyone locally who could take the baby for a short time or pick your son up from school so you can rest? Everything is worse through the veil of exhaustion. It is really important to prioritise yourself at the moment.

Have you got a CPN or crisis team you can call for advice in managing your anxiety while the medication takes effect? If not ring your GP and as for a phone consultation. Be totally honest about how you're feeling today.

I hope you begin to feel better soon.

Original poster
Throughautomaticdoors · 08/07/2016 08:24

I wish I'd never had children or gotten married. I will be advising my daughter to do neither.

OP posts:
nilbyname · 08/07/2016 13:49

Ok- deep breaths.

Put the baby in a safe place- her cot or bouncy chair.

Go and have a really hot shower. Get dressed.

Make a drink and a piece of toast.

Put shit tv on and feed your baby.

Keep breathing, it's going to be ok.

nilbyname · 08/07/2016 13:50

Go to your GPs and ask for an emergency appointment. Tell them you're in crisis and you need to be seen today.

nilbyname · 08/07/2016 13:52

Come back and talk to us.

You're not in this on your own. Flowers

Scribblegirl · 08/07/2016 14:15

Hello lovely Flowers I've just been reading your thread. If you were to get an emergency doctors appointment, would it help to cut and paste your posts into a word document (with the times and dates) and hand it over to the doctor? Would that be less stressful than talking?