Giving up my children

[Throughautomaticdoors]

I've had severe pnd for six months and nothing has helped. I feel like I'm either going to end up dead or as an inpatient. The only way I can see to avoid those things is to leave dh and give up any access to my children.
I know my parents would still want to see them. Would that just be at the discretion of dh and his mother who he would go and live with? If I'm ever well enough to work I presume I'd pay maintenance?

OP, just to make it clear, the rest of us mums aren't taking our children out constantly and entertaining them with exciting yet educational games throughout their waking hours. I feel there is a huge amount of comparison in your posts, and although you have clearly had some amazing advice I just wanted you to know that none of us are superheros here. We get by, we survive, we don't always get dressed, we're tired, we're exhausted, we're lonely, we're depressed, we worry, we're guilty, we're frustrated, we're angry, sometimes we're ok and we remember why we are doing this, sometimes we're happy, sometimes we can engage as much as we feel like we should be doing, but sometimes the responsibility of it all is terrifying. If I were sitting with you now, I would want you to know that you are not alone in this. Being a mother is the scariest thing I have ever done. I never, ever understood that until I was one. So it is ok that you are feeling like this, and you will get passed this. Just try and hold on and remember that you are not alone.
Take care.

Oh well both my kids are unvaccinated then. To be honest 'irrational' as it may sound I'd rather both or none, I wouldn't like to feel one was protected and one wasn't. You need to stop beating yourself up. I didn't even bother with breastfeeding or expressing, so your already one step ahead of me and that's me without pnd. You have not committed any unspeakable crimes op. Please believe in yourself. People do shocking things to their children. You have loved and cared for yours. And that's more than enough until you are better, then you can worry about trips to the park and baby clubs. Tell them you love them before bed tonight, get some sleep if you can. And that is enough for now! One day at a time.

I actually do believe in the trap of overstimulating babies. They need more quiet time than is fashionable to admit I suspect. I never brought mine to a single thing and they were pretty chilled and undemanding. That's not exactly a scientific sample though!

As she is on solids, albeit v.little then why the concerns about formula? I thought you were sticking to all BF because of your terror of rotavirus, but as there is a small risk of that with solids that makes your reluctance to use formula even more irrational.

I think you do also need to be disciplined about getting dressed in the morning. Dont worry about all the classes for DD, that can come later. The early ones for babies are more for the benefit of the mums anyway, but having said that it might do YOU good to join a class, although DD wont care!

I'm not concerned about the formula itself it's more than breast milk is the best thing to rehydrate with - it is less common for breast fed babies to become dehydrated. If I stop or reduce the expressing there won't be as much milk when she does get ill.

There's method to my madness you see

Tbh dioralyte is probably quicker as you only have to put it in the merest amount of water. Just enough to dissolve it basically. Whereas with breast milk they have to actually drink a decent amount to rehydrate.

But I know you're not ready to stop expressing so I won't say any more.

You do have your own perverse logic!
However it's not logical to say 'when' she gets ill, it's if she gets ill.
But if she does then she's big enough now that you can give her rehydration fluid!
Are you still going to be bfing when she's five, just so you have a milk supply for 'when' she gets ill? No of course not!
And if you just give her a bottle of formula in the evening so she's not hungry in the night you will still have a decent milk supply.

Surely you see that you being too exhausted to cope is a greater risk than rotavirus poses? You have got yourself in such a state that youve considered handing her over to your MIL, a woman who will 100% formula feed her! And also, much as your MIL loves her, she doesn't love her in the way only you do.

To do the best by your DD you have to do the best by yourself. Her well being is inextricably tied up with yours, and that means getting adequate rest. BFing takes a lot out of you physically too, draining nutrients from your body (and brain), frankly I'd say just stop completely , but at the very least make it less onerous for yourself.

OP I've not rtft bit I've read snippets and know you're concerned about your little one not having the rotavirus vaccine.
If it helps you feel any better, my twins (9mo) haven't had it through my own choice.

I'm by no means an anti-vaxer. They have had all of their other injections but I refused the rotavirus as it made my eldest so ill.

I looked into the risks of rotavirus and then weighed it up against how ill my son was. I would much rather take the risk on them becoming ill with d&v for 24/72 hours than risk another 12 weeks of it like I had with my son, which I strongly believe contributed to my anxiety and PND.

Please see your GP again.

Hope you're feeling better soon.

I'm glad you went to the GP. I just wanted to echo what others have said about their being different AD's than Sertraline.

I've never gotten on with it and anecdotally nor has pretty much anyone else I've ever talked to about it.

Mirtazipine though? (a little different to SSRI's) does the job for me amazingly quickly. I've been on different AD's on and off for 17 years or so and nothing has worked as well as Mirtazipine does.

Others have made me numb, tired, listless and STILL depressed..just fogged over. This one actually really does lift me out of the depths.

However I have also done a metric fuckton of CBT and so on and that is a longer term solution.

Like your GP and others have said it does take time, but getting the right AD for you is crucial.

You have done so much research regarding vaccines..why not try to redirect some of that energy into researching antidepressants and depression help? There is so much info out there for things you can do yourself at home as well as medication and CBT etc.

If you could frame it in terms of you protecting your children because you are researching how to manage your illness rather than obsessively researching and reading about vaccines and so on then perhaps that might be useful as well?

You could always move her to formula, but keep expressing for a while and freeze it? Then you have it in stock if she does get ill.

But I agree re dioralyte, fwiw.

I did think that but it's only ok for 6 months isn't it? I guess I could freeze a few days worth and then if I had to chuck it out it wouldn't be too bad. Or I could just feed it to her if we got close to six months or use it in solids for her.

That sounds like an excellent plan. Then you could try to work on the worry. You'll be less tired, so you'll feel less anxious, and you could use some of the intrusive thoughts techniques to stop the worrying. Stupid as it sounds, an elastic band round the wrist and pinging it when I find myself worrying about something stupid works for me - after a few days, the brain registers that worrying incessently about that issue leads to pain, and it helps to reduce the thoughts.

You're doing so well. Honestly.

Thanks, it's doesn't feel like it! I'm trying not to look too far ahead because the thought of still feeling like this in a week, a month, a year it just too awful to contemplate.

No sadly it's definitely around 10% hospital admittance. 12,700 out of 140,000 annual cases.

Yes, the ones who see a doctor. Before the vaccine they all got it as it's massively contagious (dd2 wasnt offered the vaccine and is only 4.5). DD2 it was a day of the trots and one vomit the weekend after she started nursery, DD1 vomited 3 times, ahain the weekend after starting nursery. Honestly op, rota isn't worth worrying about.

One thing that does concern me op is 'MIL would love to have the children'. Unless she is nasty and bullying she will believe her gcs are much better off with mum. Get well soon xx

I'm hoping it will be passed around a bit less if most are vaccinated - presumably generally they get infect by each other? I know I read childcare setting was the most common place to pick it up...

Basic how did you know it was rota and not some other bug?

They all had it and were generally immune by 3/4 ish so must have throughautomatic. It is highly contagious so nurseries/ schools couldn't do anything about it. So the expectation was they caught it quickly. Grim it was, dangerous generally not.

Your thread struck a cord with me OP, as I have a DD, 2, and a DS, 9months, and I am a sahm, and it is Thoroughly exhausting, lovely but exhausting. I decided to stop BF and give DS formula from 4 months as the pressure physically and mentally was getting too much. DS still isnt sleeping through and after a bad night my anxiety levels are much higher.
You sound like you are doing an incredible job, please give yourself some praise for what you a doing for your babies. You do sound physically and mentally drained, therefore, could you start with your physical self, BF is draining, how is your diet, could you take vitamin supplements? Do you drink much coffee? Perhaps you may find having a camomile tea soothing.
Can your DH look after them solely for a night so you can catch up on much needed sleep?

Dh never helps with the night feeds, he just won't. He puts his ear plugs in and turns over.

I feel incredibly anxious again this morning, largely still over the rotavirus. I don't feel I deserve to have the children, dd needed me to protect her and I've failed her.

Feeling so on my own does make it worse.

I know when the children are ill all the worry and everything falls on me. He tends to carry on as normal.

Have you tried noting down when you feel worse, and seeing if it is exascerbated by certain foods, by alcohol, by not eating, not sleeping, hormonal differences, when your partner is around or not around, all that kind of thing? Being aware of that won't take the depression away, obviously, but it can remind you that it really is a physical condition, and give you some more ways to feel you can control it.

Sounds like some of your anxiety is due to feeling like you are the only responsible parent? Why isn't her dad responsible for not giving her the vaccine?

Why isn't her dad responsible for protecting her?

Because it's always up to me. Everything to do with the children is always up to me.

That's a big burden.