Giving up my children

[Throughautomaticdoors]

I've had severe pnd for six months and nothing has helped. I feel like I'm either going to end up dead or as an inpatient. The only way I can see to avoid those things is to leave dh and give up any access to my children.
I know my parents would still want to see them. Would that just be at the discretion of dh and his mother who he would go and live with? If I'm ever well enough to work I presume I'd pay maintenance?

Please go see your GP immediately, this is a dreadful illness

What would be best for everyone is their mum to be ok. Your kids don't want just anyone. They want YOU. Nobody else can be you.

With respect Eliza, you are just going over it again and again in your mind as you have been doing for literally months now. You obsess so much it incapacitates you. It wasn't that long ago you were planning your own funeral, remember?

You need to pick up the phone and ring the GP. You need to get sorted. You may want to give up the kids, you may want to be dead - but you are right here right now all those kids have got. So today you have to go to the GP.

I know you're avoiding the receptionist but I know you've rang before. So you can do it again.

The trouble is Elspeth is I'm at the point where the only answer I can see is either the children living with someone else or me not being here which amounts to the same thing.
I don't honestly feel that the GP, different medication, CBT, being an inpatient etc will help me because to me the problem is the rotavirus. I know on some level that is not rational but at the moment that's all I can feel.

Op, as someone who was in your position, i'm pretty confident in telling you that this is the PND talking, not you. You mentioned CBT and i think that's am excellent idea, it was CBT which finally worked for me. If you're in London and can afford private let me know I will give you a recommendation of someone. Your separate issue is your husband but there's no point trying to get you to see this now. I believe of you get some CBT it will sort your thought patterns out and gradually give you the strength to be clear with him what you expect from the father of your children. Please do not make any rash decisions now. If i had the energy during my PND to run away i think I would have too, thankfully I didn't! But now, 3 years on from finally being rid of it life is 'ok' again. You're getting loads of great advice on here, please keep coming back if you're feeling up to it, i really wish I knew about mumsnet when I was in the throws of PND for the first time.

And as an added bonus my MiL is coming over all day tomorrow. The one that's glad I'm like this because she got a lovely Christmas. I'm not sure I can stand it. If she says it again it may be the final straw.

If you went to a mum and baby unit - your DD would have nurses around her 24/7

Incentive to go?

You can't really be reasoned with rationally because your unwell, I had a fixation on health too and lived with a horrendous suicidal guilt over choices I made - the MBU helped me get to a point I could cope and time showed me my fears were unfounded and the illness anyhow.

"And as an added bonus my MiL is coming over all day tomorrow. The one that's glad I'm like this because she got a lovely Christmas. I'm not sure I can stand it. If she says it again it may be the final straw."

You do not have to allow her to! Maybe compromise and tell her she can come for tea! Its your home and youre in charge. She doesn't have a right to come whenever she wants!

What does your own mum think about this awful MIL trying to snatch your children away from you? She is surely furious with her?

What does your own mum think about this awful MIL trying to snatch your children away from you? She is surely furious with her?

My thoughts exactly Aerfen.

Go out- don't be there. Or just go to bed when she comes.

GP- could you sit next to your friend, you make the call confirm who you are and then pass the phone to your mate who will make the appointment and deal with any questions? "Hi this is xxx, of xx address, I'm
Going to pass you to my friend who will make the app for me" then she can deflect any tricky questions?

You will get over this but you have to forgive yourself. We all drop a bollock even when we haven't got a serious illness. Some parents don't even vaccinate at all. However you have to remember that she will still be benefitting from herd immunity because other children will have been vaccinated. The risk to your daughter is probably minimal. She needs her mum to forgive herself so she can start to heal. Please please please go to your GP you deserve to feel better. You are a good mum keep telling yourself that.

I haven't read the whole post my heart breaks for you. I wish I could hold your hand right now. Please don't give up your children go to a&e and tell them how you feel. They should get you in a mother and baby unit. I had the worst anxiety and the strangest ideas when I was pregnant all hormone related and I thought I'd be a terrible mother because I found myself in a new place with nobody I knew but with the help of a midwife and other healthcare professionals (and my Dh however it almost drove him away) I managed to turn it around. I had some dark days and once thought I might be better off dead but what got me through was the life inside me and knowing I had a chance to be her mum something I'd always wanted. The point is the thoughts in your head aren't you and they aren't true. Hormones can twist with your mind and I think once you are better you would regret doing it. It might be hard now but remember the times you had with ds before. You can have that with both your kids. And you will have the strength to tell your Dh and toxic mil to fuck right off! That will feel really good. I also agree to try to get yourself out. I had to make sure I did that everyday even though I didn't feel like it. Staring at four walls on your pyjamas will make you feel worse. Take a few minutes every day to yourself even if it's just cooking tea for your ds. I know it's easy for me to say but I would honestly get over to the hospital and beg them to see you. Good luck.

I don't honestly feel that the GP, different medication, CBT, being an inpatient etc will help me because to me the problem is the rotavirus. I know on some level that is not rational but at the moment that's all I can feel.

The GP, the CBT and the medication will help you see it isn't the rotavirus that's the problem-it's the illness. It's so hard to see it when you're right in the middle of it. You have to trust that you need (and deserve) help to get over it.

You see without going into detail I worried about a specific thing when I was pregnant. Something that was definitely not possible. Everyone was telling me it was not that it was anxiety and I kept saying no once I've resolved this problem everything will be ok. They all said no you will make up something else to worry about. It is a symptom of the depression/anxiety.

This vaccination wasn't around for either of my three children who are 11,6,3. Yes they have had minimal sick bugs that lasted at most 24 hours a couple of times each but that's it.

Please stop worrying about it.I missed my son's flu vaccine last winter. He never got it. I did worry a bit when I realised and felt guilt that if he got it I'd blame myself so I get that but as soon as I thought it that was it. You are fixating on it because you are ill. that's all.

Well done for getting out a walk today that's great!

You used the words can't bear to be away from them. That shows deep down you want to be a mother. You're exhausted. Can you get some home help? Or call social services? Children's centre? Health visitor?

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. Please see your GP. If you find it difficult to speak about how you are feeling then write it down and just pass your note to the doctor for them to read. Get a friend or DH to make an appointment or just lie to the receptionist and come up with something that will get you seen urgently, it's really nothing to do with them.
You sound like a wonderful mum to me and those kiddies are lucky to have someone who cares about them so much.

I agree that whilst you are fixating on the roatavirus, it is not the first thing you have fixated on.

Prior to this obsession, you spent a month wishing you were dead cos your DD came into tangential contact with chickenpox. Then when the chickenpox never ultimately developed, it transferred to the rotavirus.

And if she got the rotavirus vaccine tomorrow, it would jump onto some other health anxiety. Actually, it probably still will.

But I know your mind is not letting you see that. That all these intrusive and compulsive thoughts are a symptom of your PND which has to be sorted.

You seem to intend to passively sit back now and wait for......what? Death? Something worse to happen? What is the solution in your mind?

I won't forgive myself ever. Or the nurse who gave me the wrong information but mainly myself because I was pretty sure she was wrong at the time.
Yes sooner or later I'm hoping a nighttime hypo won't wake me up.

Your DD desperately needs you to forgive yourself, and seek treatment. As does your DS. THATS what they need.

Anxiety finds a hook. Current hook is rotavirus - next hook could be anything

Put yourself in DDs shoes - what does she want and need right now from you?

There is nothing to forgive. You made a decision, which at the time you thought/believed to be the right choice. Whether it was or wasn't is neither here nor there. Your intention was right.

Obviously there's an awful lot going on. Maybe MIL could take the kids out (shops, park etc) to give you time to think through your options.

Maybe a mother and baby unit would be a good choice? You would still have dd with you, lots of hprofessional help and you know she's safe. Use MIL to your advantage. Let her look after ds if your dp can't. Ds will be safe, looked after and cared for.

Maybe MIL could commit to having the children set days per week? Like shared access? Would that ease the pressure on you and give you the time and ability to seek outpatient treatment?

Ultimately, you can't go on as you are. You need to pick up the phone and make an emergency appointment. Or walk in. Or call your health visitor/midwife and get them to do it for you. If all else fails, go to A&E (not ideal I know, but you can't continue like this).

You need to try to be open to changing the mess and trying the various treatments to find what works for you. It may take some time but you will find something that one day makes you feel slightly better. That's the beginning of the end, the light at the end of this really dark tunnel.

It's time to get tough on yourself...pick up the phone ir walk in the surgery. No excuses, just wait for MIL to arrive and do it. She will look after the kids. Maybe not as you would like, but they are her grandchildren and she will. Look at the longer term. You need to be here for them. You need to get better. You need to do this for them.

Where in the UK are you or would you rather not say? Someone close by can help you get the help you need if you feel unable to take that step yourself. Especially if it gets to crisis point and you are on your own. You sound very vulnerable and I'm worried about your state of mind.

*Meds

Dear dear lady, I wish I could take away your pain. I also wish i could take tomorrow away from you or that your DH and MIL could see your pain and wrap you up in love and help you through this.

I don't want to speak any platitudes about the vaccine or the hard time you are having right now but I hope you find someone who will keep you company through this until you come out the other side. Please do get in touch with your friends and tell them how you feel.

Have you ever found meditation helpful? Emotional Freedom Technique (tapping), when delivered with professional counselling can be a positive way of dealing with recurring negative thoughts..

Poor little ds too, he was so excited about having a sister and everything has been ruined and spoilt. His lovely little face.

OP, I really and truly do not mean this harshly but from the bottom of my heart, drop the sentimentality. You're drowning in it. That's what depression does. Anything that seems a little bit sad, a little bit poignant and your heart splinters into a million little pieces. This is actually what does most of the really sad damage - the obsessing over how sad everything is. Your kids are fine. Many, many children (all?) find the reality of a sibling is a sad disappointment for the first two years.

Nothing has been ruined and spoilt yet. You have time. This is a challenging period for you all but it does not define you as a family or your mothering or what's coming next. Stop mourning and turning life into an elegy. Leave room for what is coming next. Although you're unable to conceptualise it, you will get better. Virtually everyone does but sometimes there is a lot of medication juggling and it takes time. I mean this in the kindest possible way but at the moment your illness is turning you into your own worst enemy in terms of getting better. And I have been there with kids and I know, it's heartbreaking to think of them suffering when you're already vulnerable to sadness.

Please, please, leave that to one side and remember they are more resilient than you can imagine being right now. The best thing you can do for your children is stop looking at the big picture. Stop evaluating. Stop looking at this from everyone else's angle (hard!). Stop seeing the broad brushstrokes. To be honest, all you're capable of is this evening. And then tomorrow morning. And more thought than that and you'll start to sink. So don't do it. Real life is not a slow motion movie. Shit happens and people bounce back. They don't splinter. Nor was your family life perfect when you were well - I expect you're forgetting the dramas and tragedies that are part and parcel of human existence.