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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Giving up my children

298 replies

Throughautomaticdoors · 30/06/2016 19:02

I've had severe pnd for six months and nothing has helped. I feel like I'm either going to end up dead or as an inpatient. The only way I can see to avoid those things is to leave dh and give up any access to my children.
I know my parents would still want to see them. Would that just be at the discretion of dh and his mother who he would go and live with? If I'm ever well enough to work I presume I'd pay maintenance?

OP posts:
Misnomer · 30/06/2016 19:40

Ok, but there are other options and your mental health team can help you work out what extra support you need. I have a very nice volunteer from home start come to me once a week. It was only for two hours at a time but it was an enormous help knowing that once a week I could sit quietly by myself, or wash, or sleep. Also you may need your medication adjusting. My dose of antidepressants had to be raised a few times before it got to the right level where I actually felt better.

Believeitornot · 30/06/2016 19:41

Your dh sounds appalling.

What does your mil say? What care are you receiving?

Flowerfriday · 30/06/2016 19:42

How much fresh air/ sunlight do you get?
It helps massively with depression.
Get out, if only for half an hour. You are in a fog, it will. Clear don't give up your children.

ASAS · 30/06/2016 19:43

You're unwell. That's all this is. You don't have to take all of this on your shoulders. You've not chosen it.

You're ill. Like a broken leg.

What can we do? Tell us. We're here all night.

ricketytickety · 30/06/2016 19:45

If you get no support from your husband then you are knackered. How are you supposed to recover when you're knackered?

It's not you, it's the pnd and the tiredness. Which is exasperated by the lack of support you have in your home.

I have no idea what you can do to get more support if a. your husband doesn't step up and b. your parents don't step up (I'm assuming they are able to - they may not be). Can you speak to your health visitor and ask how you can have a break?

Have you tried Homestart? They can offer short relief for a couple of hours - they may give you some of what you need.

gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 30/06/2016 19:47

With the best will in the world, you're not thinking straight and no wonder.

I felt very like you once. It all made perfect sense.

The first thing to do is attack the treatment which clearly needs refining. If you need inpatient care, that's not the end of the world. In fact, it can be very, very helpful. If your horrid partner leaves over that, sorry to be blunt but he wasn't going to stay, was he really.

Can you afford childcare of any description. Very important.
Do you have a homestart volunteer.
Have you made the crisis team aware of how you're feeling?
Have you been firm and clear that the medication has not yet helped you?

Don't 'give up' your children today. Don't do anything permanent and long-term today. If you trust your MIL, could she be an option for some emergency childcare? You need space and time but means you need a break, not to give up your children. One day you will understand this.

ricketytickety · 30/06/2016 19:48

Contact these guys for advice on how to get some more support. The first is the Association for Post Natal Illness

apni.org/

This one is Pre and Post Natal Depression Support

www.pandasfoundation.org.uk/

At the very least they'll have some emotional support for you. They will also have ideas on how to move forward.

Sausagedog21 · 30/06/2016 19:49

Hi Throughautomaticdoors,
You won't always feel like this, try and cling on to that thought. I've been there. You've had a very difficult prem birth, poorly baby etc.I'm not surprised you're suffering,especially if your DH is working away a lot.
Reading some of your other posts, your MIL is an insensitive, bossy idiot and your DH doesn't stand up to her. I think this is compounding your current MH issues.
I think you should ring the doctor, (or the health visitor /someone similar) and see firstly about changing your antidepressants to something else. When I was in the throes of PND, Sertraline didn't do anything despite ever increasing doses, neither did citalopram or mirtazepine (zombified).Thank god for paroxetine /seroxat-it saved my life.
When you get on the right AD, you will see things from a different perspective.
Can you confide in anyone in RL? Your mum? HTHFlowers xx

Misnomer · 30/06/2016 19:50

You don't feel better but it is possible to feel better and your mental health team can help sort that out. Your husband is not helping at all, neither practically nor with emotional support. No wonder you feel like this. Is there anyone else that you can get support from? Any family? What part of the country are you in?

I felt the same as you, OP. I did. But it was the illness and it did get better.

Original poster
Throughautomaticdoors · 30/06/2016 19:56

My parents are brilliant but look like they're on the edge of a breakdown themselves at the moment. What should have been a happy time for them has also been ruined.

No I don't like MIL but she'd be very happy for dh to go and live with her and take the children.

I feel like I cannot sit with this one more day and the horrible sinister feeling is back tonight.
After ds nothing felt this hard, why does everything feel so hard this time round?

OP posts:
Alicebannedit · 30/06/2016 19:57

I can't add anything to what the others have said, but sending you love, and Flowers

ElspethFlashman · 30/06/2016 19:57

It is sertraline you're on yes?

Has the perinatal nurse seen you recently? Or the GP?

Might a change in medication completely be in order at this point?

EssexMummy1234 · 30/06/2016 19:58

Are you on medication OP? because if you are then it sounds like it needs to be checked that your on the right tablets / right dosage. Have you heard of the crisis team? they can be accessed through your GP / A&E.

Please please please get more help.

Sausagedog21 · 30/06/2016 20:01

I think you & the DC should and stay with your parents while you try and sort out your medication. Is this possible?
I really wouldn't hand over the DC to MIL-she sounds bonkers from your other threads. Xx

Sausagedog21 · 30/06/2016 20:03

Your parents are probably very worried about you and maybe have more insight than you think, into DP and MIL behaviour.

Original poster
Throughautomaticdoors · 30/06/2016 20:03

Yes it's 100mg of sertraline.

The fact is at the moment that I don't feel anything will help. It's just going to be this way forever and ever, basically I'm just waiting for each day to be over. I'm 33. That's a lot of days I've still potentially got to sit through and I'm finding the thought quite unbearable. It's my own fault I'm in this situation though, I don't feel anything will make it better but not being with me might make it better for my children. Particularly ds who has known different when we were happy and at 7 can the expected to just stay in the house all the time. How am I going to manage the summer holidays? I tried to get him to do football school because he loves football but he won't go because he doesn't want to leave me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Throughautomaticdoors · 30/06/2016 20:04

Can't be expected not can

OP posts:
Original poster
Throughautomaticdoors · 30/06/2016 20:05

Yes mil will probably tell everyone father in law sent my breakdown so that she got the children permanently.

OP posts:
Misnomer · 30/06/2016 20:06

The same thing happened to me, OP. I had a lot of personal difficulties after my first child but no PND. I was not great after my second but muddled through (just as well as I was not offered any help from mental health services). After my third I was ok and then I was really, really not ok. I won't go into detail but I utterly desparate and distraught and convinced I was a truly terrible mother. I was very lucky to have a good health visitor who made a very quick referral to the perinatal team, who were brilliant. The despair and desperation you feel can be fixed. It could literally be as straightforward (husband issues aside) of trying a different medication.

I know how hard it is when you are in the middle of these feelings. I've been there. If you are have some bad thoughts this evening then please keep posting, and call someone. Did your mental health team give you a number to call if you were struggling? There's usually someone that can be contacted no matter what time of day or night.

Lovemylittlebears · 30/06/2016 20:06

You are poorly and it will get better. Go back to your GP and get him to look at your meds then ask for an urgent referall for Cognitive Behaviour Therapy and/or Acceptance and Commitment Therapy - the stats and research is really good at how successful these therapies are (when properly used by a well trained qualified professional)....try that first before you make any important decisions. X

throwingpebbles · 30/06/2016 20:07

Huge huge sympathies. Flowers

This story is very resonant for me. An unsupportive DH and PND is a disastrous combination.
I think ideally you need a break with lots of support from your family and friends.
My mum ended up coming and staying with me for a while as DH (now ex H - kids live with me) was so unsupportive.

Please please push for all the support you can. And be as honest as possible about how unsupportive he is when you are talking with your nurse etc.

And please believe me when I say there is light at the end of the tunnel Flowers

mrsmortis · 30/06/2016 20:07

Have you heard of Home Start? www.home-start.org.uk/mental-health

If you can cope with having a stranger get involved they can do things like look after baby so you can have a shower or go for a walk and get out in the sunshine.

Kr1stina · 30/06/2016 20:10

There is more help out there

You won't be like this for ever

It's not your fault

Your children love you more than anything else in the world, please don't give them up

Misnomer · 30/06/2016 20:10

It's not your fault you are like this. It's an illness. But you can be helped. You aren't on a very high dose of sertraline. It may be that you need that adjusted because different people feel better at different doses they start you low and move it up.

I've been where you are and I'm telling you that it can get better. But you need to ask for help so that people know you need it. Please.

UptownFunk00 · 30/06/2016 20:10

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

But think carefully before making this devision.

What happens when you improve and want your children again?

I'd leave DH to be honest as he doesn't do anything anyway and you probably have to look after him.

I know it feels bleak but imagine how this will be in the future?

I hope you get some intensive help.

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