Giving up my children

[Throughautomaticdoors]

I've had severe pnd for six months and nothing has helped. I feel like I'm either going to end up dead or as an inpatient. The only way I can see to avoid those things is to leave dh and give up any access to my children.
I know my parents would still want to see them. Would that just be at the discretion of dh and his mother who he would go and live with? If I'm ever well enough to work I presume I'd pay maintenance?

I agree with pps. Stop expressing OP. I had a complicated labour and post birth emergencies and ended up expressing. It was exhausting work. Absolutely exhausting and I was a single parent, much like you are living now.

I stopped and within a week of stopping, after my boobs stopped leaking everywhere and aching all the time, I had my first real good nights sleep and things started to improve. It was very very slow at first and took many trips to the GP to change my meds and get the dosage right.

Also If you stop expressing you could absolutely consider a different anti depressant that wont leave you feeling so numb and worn out. I can't remember the one I was taking when expressing but it left me numb, feeling like a zombie and exhausted. Switching to a different one really really helped long term.

Oh I recognise you now! The awful MIL stuck with me. Ignore what she wants. She is selfish and not worth you thinking about.

Switch to formula. Your baby will be fine. Nothing to feel guilty about. I didn't BF DC1 and only DC2 for a few days. I feel no guilt. They are both healthy children. Your MH is what's important here.

Go back to your GP or whoever you are under the care of. Tell them the treatment isn't working and they need to do more. You have an illness, it can be sorted and you will get better.

Your DH isn't helping with his bad attitude and no help. Is there any way you can make him see how ill you are? If not, take his thoughts and feelings out of the equation. His comment to you was awful. You aren't ill on purpose.

I am the child adandoned by their mother. Please don't think your children would be better off without you. I can promise you they won't. GPs can be great, but it doesn't ake away the loss of a mother.

Don't make a big decision now. Concentrate on getting better. If you can, just go through the motions with your DS, if you can face getting him out for a bit. It's a blip. As long as you get help and get well, he probably won't even remember this when he is older.

Stop expressing. And when you're well, leave your asshole of a husband, who has exacerbated your condition in every way imaginable.

You know OP, you sound very demanding of yourself. You have done and are doing everything you can for your children and family but you are asking too much of yourself. I'm totally pro breastfeeding but not at the expense of your health and wellbeing. You've struggled through for over six months now, you have done a wonderful thing for your baby, she will be fine without breastmilk now.

As for your son, we all want the best for our children but sometimes we cannot prevent every unpleasant thing that happens to them, we just cannot. When something unpleasant outside my control happens to me or mine I put it down as something necessary for my/their development. Children do need some hardship in their lives to help them to grow up strong, though as parents we do our best to avoid them ever being unhappy.

Being a parent is a marathon, nobody can expect us to be perfect. I personally would also see if it is possible to find a nursery or childminder for the mornings at least.

You poor darling, you are having such a tough time aren't you
?

I remember staring out the window hoping that someone would come up the driveway and offer to adopt my baby as I couldn't possibly be a good enough mother for her. It's such a horrible feeling.

There is some great advice on this thread, please take it. Go and see your GP again, maybe write down your feelings and hand it over.
Do consider stopping expressing and speak to home start. They want to help, no one wants to see a wonderful mum like you struggling without offering some support.

Wishing you strength xx

Thank you for all the kind words

Just up feeding dd and expressing.
I have had threads before on my decision to delay the rotavirus vaccine - and unfortunately it was delayed too long so she couldn't have it. I'm finding it hard to move past this as dd is so precious and I feel I haven't protected her as I should. Sometimes the feeling of terrible guilt and panic abates a little but it always always comes back. I think it's because there's nothing I can do to fix it, it's just a case of waiting for her to get ill.
I just want some of this responsibility and guilt to go because it's too much.

I've been where you are. I begged DP to leave me and take the children. I honestly believed they were better off without me.
But I got through it, and you will too. I try to see my depression as it's own entity. It's like another person controlling me, taking over my thoughts and feelings, and making me make decisions I never normally would.
You will get to a better place, although I know it doesn't feel like it now.
My children are now 15, 13, 10 and 7. Most nights we cook tea together and the kids play hideous Disney songs, and we all sing along, complete with dramatic hand movements. There is now so much laughter in our home.
You will get through this, you will get back to being 'you'. And your children will be fine. And they will grow up with a wonderful mum who loves them very much, and who they just adore.

Wasn't the rotavirus vaccine only introduced in 2012? I am sure your DD will be absolutely fine :) like all the babies who came before it. And the introduction of the vaccine has reduced cases of rotavirus so much that it's unlikely she'll be exposed to it anyway, even though she's not had the vaccine.

I know that might not be helpful though because you can't control the intrusive thoughts your PND is causing. Definitely visit the doctor asap. You might need a different medication or some time in a mother and baby unit etc. for what it's worth my boyfriend is on 100mg of Sertraline for general anxiety and he doesn't even have a particularly bad case of it. And at times the 100mg doesn't seem to be helping much! So you might need more or something else altogether.

OP is your MIL the one who said her dead DH had sent your dd prematurely so that she had a good Christmas? (I can't remember the exact detail but it was a monstrous self absorbed and cruel opinion).

Yes that was me with the MIL. It didn't help that she's so pleased but for me this has been the worst time of my life...

Rotavirus vaccine introduced nationally September 2013. I literally know everything there is to know about rotavirus... Ds didn't have the vaccine as it wasn't around then and I never gave rotavirus a second thought! It's more I feel responsible with dd, I had the chance to stop it and I didn't. I had some miss information that caused me to delay it too long (nurse said was ok until 19 weeks) and dd had reflux quite badly and used to be violently sick sometimes as it was so I wanted to delay as long as possible as the vaccine can make reflux worse it would appear. Anyway, I made the decision with the best of intentions but that doesn't help dd now.

OP, my experience of depression has been that when you feel bad you can't even remember or imagine what it is to feel OK. So you literally can't imagine yourself feeling better. That is the illness. When you get better it seems so obvious.

The way you feel now is not the way things are. You can't believe it now with your heart so you will just have to trust your knowledge about depression - just remember that your whole outlook is skewed now. Keep telling the people who can help you how you feel. Accepting medical help for a medical condition makes you a good mother.

You really did not make a terrible decision there, in fact you made a perfectly logical and understandable decision.

One good technique I was taught was to imagine I was talking to a friend who had made that decision. What would I say to them? It's a good way of learning to be more compassionate with yourself.

Please don't worry about the rotavirus! DS1 (born Jan 2013) didn't have it as it wasn't on offer. DS2 had horrendous reflux for the first 10 months of his life, which pushed me to the edge at times as it took ages to find the right combination of formula (I didn't BF either of them) and medication. He had the first dose of rotavirus but it made him so sick and he had such an upset stomach that I really was on the edge. I took him for his second but spoke to the nurse about the awful side effects he had and we decided after some discussion (and a few tears) that at that point the benefit to him was probably not worth pushing me over the edge and not worth making DS2 suffer more than he already was. Yes, there's a tiny risk, but no more than DS1's risk. I felt awful for a while afterwards because I fiercely believe in immunisation. I have the benefit of hindsight and having had time to think about it. It was the right decision for my DS2 at that (truly awful) time in our lives. Things are better now. He's 18m, healthy, cheeky and I love him to bits. But we spent 10m in daily hell.

Give yourself a break! Try FF as others have said. You might feel better physically and less drained. I was FF, my siblings were FF, and I was in no fit state physically or mentally to BF DS1, so they've been FF too. No harm done, all healthy, all bonded just fine. Also FF would allow others to take on some of the workload.

Try to stop worrying about the rotavirus. Only recently introduced, so millions of people put the who haven't had it. Whatever decision you made, I'm sure was the right one for your DD at that particular time. The risk is tiny and no more than your DS if he didn't have it.

Give yourself a break! This parenting stuff is way harder than anyone ever tells you. Go back to your GP and sort out some more meds. Don't give up. You can get through this, it just takes time. It would take less time if your DP was a bit more helpful so instead of giving up on your kids, give him a kick up the behind! And if MIL wants to have the children...great! Let her take them for a few hours a day to help you out or for a few days to give you a proper break (don't forget to pack the formula!).

I bet there's more reflux babies out there than you realise who won't have had the rotavirus either at all or only had the first dose. You're DD was ill. She had a complication that meant that having the rotavirus wasn't as straightforward as it was for everyone else. It's not your fault. It's not her fault. You made the right decision for her at the time. You are her mummy. You did what you honestly felt was best at the time. Time to put the guilt aside. There is no need to feel guilty. You have done nothing wrong. DD is fine and will be fine. Now you need to focus on getting yourself better.

Your decision about rotovirus was a good one. you can't possibly know how ill she might have been if she'd had it. DS2 who was pre and very ill with reflux caught measles from the MMR. He had full blown two weeks of raging temperature and rashes and vomiting. And he is now autistic. I'll never know if that's why.
If you'd given her the vaccine and she'd reacted you'd feel equally bad. You will feel bad whatever you do because that's how PND messes with your mind. It makes you feel sick with guilt about everything. You've done nothing wrong. That was a hard decision with no easy option. It may have been the wisest decision you made on her behalf. She may have been far too frail for the vaccine. They are very tough on fragile immune systems. GP refused to give DS2 any jabs for months because he was so small. That could have happened to you.
You won't be perfect. You'll make mistakes. We all do. It's part of being a parent. You clearly love your children. When you are well, you will enjoy being their mum. They deserve to have someone as lovely and concerned as you in their lives. You won't always be on the brink of tears and fury and hysteria. I bet you end up being the gentlest, most loved and loving mum. If Sertraline doesn't work, try Citalopram maybe?

Im so sorry you're in this place. Dont make any decisions at the moment, focus on getting better. Please see your gp, get all the help you can.

Hugs to you.

You are a superwoman to have managed to express to feed your DD breastmilk. Around 5-6 months, the gut wall changes (the cell wall closes) so in my understanding it is not as crucial to give them breastmilk after that. This also matches with their own immune system kicking off I think.

We all make mistake, one can only do their best. I have made loads of mistakes, my house is a tip and I buy everything online as can't face going shopping (have a baby DD like you and an older DS).

You very clearly care for them and they love you. It will get easier. With DS I found we turned a corner when he was 2. I hope you can get support from your health visitor and perhaps a baby group near you. The depression is preventing you to see all the great things you do, but trust me you are fantastic.

It just feels like a big mistake to have made.
The reaction could have been nasty but rotavirus will almost certainly be nasty. At the time I felt like I couldn't cope with her getting any worse and I thought there was still chance for her to have it at a later date. But now I think even if she had gotten worse at least it would have been done with, instead of which now I'm just waiting for her to catch it all the time and don't feel I can take her anywhere because I need to prevent it.
It's a really common bug btw, every child would have had it by the time they were five pre vaccination.

The problem is not your decision. The problem is your depression. You can't change your decision but you can get help for your depression.Your depression is the reason why you are afraid to take her outside, because your depression is telling you that you are a bad mother and it will your fault if she catches this common bug. Tell your GP how your illness is affecting you. Focus on your depression.

None of my children have had rotavirus vaccine. They were all too old. They've all had sicky bugs, but none have been so ill I needed to seek medical help.

But that's not going to help you get through your anxiety and depression. Please stop expressing. And I'm saying that as a trained breastfeeding counsellor. We are taught consistently through the training that we have TWO patients to consider and from what you have said your mental wellbeing is taking a hammering and the lack of sleep is a huge factor. You have done amazingly well expressing for as long as you have - many women cannot express at all. Yes breastfeeding is important but any expert will tell you that the maximum benefit is right at the beginning which is why new mums are pushed so hard to give colostrum. After that breastfeeding is still beneficial, but as your baby gets bigger the benefit starts to decrease. By the time you're introducing solids, the benefit is less. Why not think about switching to formula for the overnight feeds, and maybe one during the day, and express for your baby morning and evening? Whatever pattern will work for you. If you do decide to stop, follow your body's lead - stop expressing, if you feel full/uncomfortable express enough to relieve the feeling, and carry on until the supply has diminished.

Please also see your GP or psych nurse as you do appear to need to have a tweak to medication. I'm no expert but you do sound so very unwell and you have to get better.

Yes. Obviously by now you know it's your health anxiety and PND talking as this obsession with rota virus and chicken pox before has been going on for months.

This anxiety and self blame won't go away till the PND does.

So back to the GP you have to go. As soon as possible.

Neither of my children have had that vaccination and they have had sick bugs in their lives. They are both fine. DS was a high needs baby and we spent 5 days in intensive care. He almost died. He is a petite but robust 8 year old boy who gets the usual doses of what ever is doing the rounds.

The guilt is eating you up and honestly you made a good decision. It's the depression that's telling you differently.

Your MIL sounds like a nasty piece of work and I would disregard everything she says.

Keep talking to us.

Wild you consider formula? I gave it to DD who was my second baby as I couldn't cope with bf and a toddler. It was too much, so we did mixed then exclusive ff. She's a bright funny glorious little thing and she was well fed. Bf is good. Ff is good. They are both nutritious ways of feeding your baby. Don't feel bad about it.

I used to lift up my top and go skin to skin sometimes with a bottle and really cuddle DD in, it was lovely.

Do you have friends near by? Can you talk to them?

Call the GP today please xx

I think from previous threads the OP feels the expressing is the only thing "protecting" the baby. So will not countenance giving it up. The baby is about 5/6 months old and whilst it was premature, is perfectly healthy now.

I'm just saying that cos those suggesting "just stop expressing" should know it's a far more complicated thing.

Please get help!! So sorry you feel like giving up your own children is the only option, this is a terrible head space to be in! They should be your motivation to get help.
Ask you partner and mil for regular help so you can have a break, go to your GP and ask for help with counselling to deal with your depression, you can get better but I can't see how leaving your kids is the magic answer to your problem, you'll regret it.
I wish you the best

I wonder how much of the advice on breastfeeding, giving herself a break, whether or not the vaccine is useful etc. will even get through anyway. In that condition you simply can't think clearly. Whatever sensible arguments you hear, your depression dismisses them, whispering in your ear that they don't apply in this case, that people don't know quite how bad you are, etc. When you come out of the depression you can no longer understand why you thought the way you did.