Giving up my children

[Throughautomaticdoors]

I've had severe pnd for six months and nothing has helped. I feel like I'm either going to end up dead or as an inpatient. The only way I can see to avoid those things is to leave dh and give up any access to my children.
I know my parents would still want to see them. Would that just be at the discretion of dh and his mother who he would go and live with? If I'm ever well enough to work I presume I'd pay maintenance?

Through, I was on 100mg Sertraline for the last 4 weeks of my last pregnancy, and went up to 200mg (maximum dose) when the antenatal depression became PND. Sertraline didn't seem to have any effect whatsoever on my anxiety and depression. Just to give you hope. Xx

Alternatively could you find enough money to pay for some childcare? Just enough to give you some respite?

Ironically when I was not like this I volunteered for 3 years for homestart so I know the staff and feel a bit weird about approaching them with this. I know quite a few of the volunteers too from functions and things. I used to have a sense of humour. I used to not be so selfish and focused on my own problems. I used to have a life that wasn't this one.
I never thought we'd have dd. I feel like she was never meant to be and like she will be snatched away at any second. The utter horror of waiting for her to die all the time is just too much.

Thinking of the short-to-medium term, is there anything specific you can pinpoint that would make things a little easier? Or just a specific obstacle you'd like gone? We might be able to come up with something that would help.

(Just as an example, when my depression was bad I didn't have the energy to wash, and if I didn't wash I couldn't put on clean clothes, and if I wasn't wearing clean clothes I couldn't leave the house. Eventually figuring out I could put a coat and hat over my pyjamas meant I could go for a walk, which helped.)

OP, I can hear your illness talking for you so clearly here. 'Terrible decisions' made with the best of intentions for your dd? Is her life permanently impaired because of something you decided that no one else had input into?
Is your OH facing up to his terrible decisions of never helping with dd and threatening to leave you while you are seriously ill or does he think he's doing just fine?
How is it 'all your fault'? From the outside, it sounds like your OH's indifference to his new baby plays a massive part in your PND. Women are far far more likely to suffer PND if they have no proper support network. Sounds like you have none. You're not to blame for that - your family are responsible for their own behaviour.
You need a big break while you get well. This should not jeopardise your ability to be a good mother long term. If your DH and MiL can care for the children for now while you get well, maybe that is a good temporary solution. But don't let anyone make you feel guilty or weak for MH issues though. The brain's an organ of the body. It can malfunction just like any other organ. You are no more guilty than if you had sudden kidney failure or heart defect. And please make sure you have a level headed, supportive person who has their wits about them on MH issues with you while you discuss temporary care. Don't let being in poor health put you in a risky situation regarding your right to be your children's full time mother once you are well again.
If you need help wording it in writing, I'm happy to help you. Just PM me.

Take good care of yourself and get the help you need as a priority. make no long term decisions about your children until you are fully well.

Do be careful here with regard to your MIL. I am worried that she just wants the children and may seek to marginalise your relationship with them. She does not have your best interests at heart.

I know the feeling of just wanting to get away and it can be overwhelming. When you feel like this it is very hard to think long term or of a time when you may have recovered. It will be hard to undo decisions made when you are so unwell.

I don't wish to add to your burden, but do bear in mind that the Family Courts often like to maintain the status quo with regard to children. For this reason, before you make any decisions, please seek legal advice.

I am a grandparent carer, my gc's living with me and placed through the courts. I never wanted to take them from their mother, but unfortunately the alternative would have seen them placed in care.

However, the reality of caring for two young children when you are older is really hard work and this may well be a reality check for her.

Is there no-one within your own family who could care for the children who has no ulterior motive and wishes to see you reunited with the children in the long/short term?

OP, sorry to hear this. Your DH sounds unsupportive but you need to get yourself well before you make any decisions.

Did the sertraline ever start to help and then just petered off or not changed your mood at all? You can go higher with dose if it helped but levelled off. If you are taking it every day and it has not helped at all in the last few months, its not the right antidepressant for you. Have you spoken to your GP? They could try a different one.

Does the older child go to nursery/school? Do homestart help you? PND is bloody awful but it WON'T last forever. May be difficult to see right now but true.

You must keep in your mind that these feelings are because you are unwell: none of this is your fault, none of the feelings are your fault, and that those bad feelings will go away. 6 months, although it feels like a lifetime, really is not that long in terms of PND and getting better and things need to change on a day to day basis very slowly. Honestly, this will get better.

Please don't make any permanent decisions, you need a break and time to start getting better - do you have anyone around to support you? You said your parents are on the edge of a breakdown, is there a reason for this? Keep posting OP, you have friends and support here.

I'm sorry you feel this way, its just needs untangling so you can start to feel better.

so sorry you feel like this OP. I remember your posts under a different username with MIL making crass comments about the premature birth of your DD. I very much doubt that you have made any mistakes you have had a difficult birth, child in NICU for early time of her life, very difficult MIL and as it turns out a difficult DH (who to be fair may also be suffering given what you have all gone through and the recentish loss of his dad or stepfather). if you have to step away from the kids until you feel better that is ok. Make sure that you are clear this is not permanent. Can your parents have them if MIL would try to keep them. Follow all the useful advice in this thread re treatment, therapy etc and give yourself time x Wish you all the best.

Oh sweetheart, I recognise you too, you know, it's not that long since you started the tablets? Do you have follow up appointments?

I promise you, it will not be like this forever and ever, you absolutely need to see your doctor asap and tell him/her exactly what you're thinking. They will do everything to help you, and your children.

Dig really deep, one last massive push to get the help you need, don't let your godawful mil bring up your beautiful children, you can do it, you just need to get well.

PS, your husband is a bastard.

There is me saying don't make big decisions. What I mean is leave him if he won't accept how bad things are for you. Yes it's hard to support a partner but it's a lot harder to be there.

I've not had PND but suffered from depression since aged 11 so 15 years.

Where are you roughly?

There could be someone willing to just come and talk or hold the baby whilst you take a soak.

Please seek help now. Can you call your parents and ask them (or one of them) to come and stay with you; ask DH to go to his mum's as you need a few days rest. in the meantime, do you have emergency MH team for back up? You are not alone and lots of us have these crisis points and come back. You can get out of the black hole

I think you need urgent medical help - many of us have had PND and recognise the feelings you're having. Your husband isn't helping at all and nor is his mother - they should be helping you by taking you to the doctor.

If you think about it, if you leave your children, you'll have all day every day to regret what you've done. It would be a huge mistake.

There's a thread on MN about going into a psychiatric ward - did you start that, OP? There were such helpful responses on there. You would get some sleep and rest and you would have some good treatment to help you feel better. How you feel isn't normal, but it's common. Your husband is horrible to talk to you the way he does and maybe when you've had treatment you'll make a decision about what to do about him. Get some help now, though.

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. I had PND after both my sons and was looked after by the perinatal psychiatric team after my second son. I was treated in the community but visited the mother and baby unit and it was honestly nicer and not scary as I imagined it would be. If you need inpatient help then please don't be scared. When I had my eldest son I thought I'd mad a terrible mistake and I told my husband I wanted to give him up for adoption. I really believed it. But it was the illness talking. I love both my sons and it would have been a huge huge mistake to let my illness make a decision like that. I know it seems like a solution and that things would feel better but the main priority is to treat your illness. You must tell your CPN (or whoever is looking after you) how you're feeling and that you don't feel better. Call the crisis number if you need to.

Pleas take care. You can get better even if it doesn't feel like it right now.

Please go and see your GP first thing tomorrow, or contact the OOH GP tonight, you need the right medication to treat your illness, your babies need their mummy to get the right medication and get better.

Oh OP, it's not very MN but I wish I could give you a hug. I am so sorry you are going through this and your DH is an utter twat not to support you.

You need an emergency GP appointment tomorrow and a referral to the Crisis team. You could show your GP your posts on here, if that's easier than talking.

You will get better. It is the foul depression telling you that you won't.

Yes I have made decisions which will negatively impact dd and possibly affect her negatively long term.

I just can't do it anymore. The endless what's for dinner, where's my lunch, I need a clean jumper, I'm tired, I'm bored, put something on TV for me, I want to go out, I need to do my homework...
Do you know ds got home from school today and wanted to go out so I said I'd watch him on his bike for a while. He wanted to go to the park but it was 4.30pm by this point and I knew I had to do dinner and the park is half an hour away. Plus I needed to express again and feed dd so I said we couldn't and he said I was mean and spat at me. Spat at me! He would never have behaved like that before, I can't help feeling me being like this is affecting him badly too.
I'm just so worn down by it all. Nothing's good enough, everything's spoilt all the time, there's nothing to look forward to just years and years of this and waiting for it to be over.

Please just take small steps.

So tonight, get yourself to bed.

Tomorrow wake up and get dressed. And get to the GP.

You need your medication reviewed quickly.

"I used to have a sense of humour. I used to not be so selfish and focused on my own problems. I used to have a life that wasn't this one."
And you will have one again, and I hope it will be much sooner than you think. Your husband sounds like a very selfish inconsiderate man , but many men are immature and unable to be supportive. Do you still love him and want to be with him? It sounds to me as if he could be a mummys boy and the MIL appears to be reluctant to let go and would love to tie him into dependence upon her by getting hold of the children.
You will ruin your life for a lot longer if you allow this to happen.

Can your own family help out, your mum or a sister? Have you told your mum how desperate you feel? IF not then you need some outsider help , even if its just a cleaner/housekeeper to come in and sort the house and washing and ironing for you. Another possibility to consider is putting your baby daughter in a day nursery for a couple of days, or even just a couple of mornings a week, some will take very young babies. This may not seem 'ideal' but it will do her no harm and much much better than her losing her mum altogether and having to be raised by her granny!

"I never thought we'd have dd. I feel like she was never meant to be and like she will be snatched away at any second. The utter horror of waiting for her to die all the time is just too much."
Now you know this is irrational. Your daughter is healthy and its your own illness causing you to worry so. Take your daughter to see your GP and ask him to check her over. Tell him about your irrational fears. Maybe simply being told that she is normal and healthy will give you an anchor to return to when these scary thoughts creep up on you.

Have you got mum friends? This is really important when you have a baby. If not then do join a local group, churches often run them. If you tell the organiser how depressed you have been feeling then I am sure they will push you ahead on any waiting list.

Don't give up on yourself, your children love you and need you more than anyone else in the world, get the practical help you need to enable you to be the person you used to be and want to be again. Things will change, nothing goes on for ever.

I'm sorry you are suffering like this. I hope you can get the help you need. You are a good mum.

Can I say something from your DCs point of view? My DM had bad PND after both myself and my brother were born. She was in a Mother and Baby unit with me for a while, and an inpatient after my brother was born. I only know this because she told me when I was expecting my first dc. I don't remember any of it, and I was 4 when my brother was born. All I remember is my DM being my DM, her hugs, her laughter, being a family. She got better,although it took a long time.

Please don't make any rushed decisions, your DC won't remember the bad times, just the Mum they love, who loves them. I have to say, from your other thread, if your MIL got her hands on them, she wouldn't give them back in a hurry.

Very unmumsnetty hugs! If I was close, I'd come and have them for a couple of hours

I see you're expressing - how often is this?

I used to express 8-10 times a day and it was exhausting!

Look after yourself.

OP

See your GP tomorrow. Urgent appointment. Hand the decision over to a health care professional. You need help and care-please get it.

Every time you have a negative thought, say it's the illness, Not me. Your perception of everything that is happening is coloured by the illness. You are not a bad mother. Remember that.

BTW you don't need to breastfeed. Nothing is more important than your mental health at this point. Baby won't care if it's breast/bottle and it will be one less thing to worry about.