Giving up my children

[Throughautomaticdoors]

I've had severe pnd for six months and nothing has helped. I feel like I'm either going to end up dead or as an inpatient. The only way I can see to avoid those things is to leave dh and give up any access to my children.
I know my parents would still want to see them. Would that just be at the discretion of dh and his mother who he would go and live with? If I'm ever well enough to work I presume I'd pay maintenance?

Yes, that is 100% the case ravensmum.

Op, I very much recognise this way of thinking. In my case, I was taking too much thyroxine post natally, and was waking up at dawn with a knot in my stomach, not able to eat and incredibly anxious about my kids. It was a brilliant illustration of how the wrong mix of chemicals in your body can send you absolutely mad. It's not your fault. It's not my fault.

You really deserve to get this treated better. Could you make an appointment with a GP, do you think? I know everything can become really hard.

Nb haven't given mine rotovirus either. Or MMR. Have one autistic DC and frightened of MMR.

My mum smoked in the house and the car when I was little. Imagine?! I found this ridiculously comforting when I was worrying about my poor parenting decisions! I love my mum immensely. She's fantastic, but what a thing to do - through today's eyes.

That's a point outputgap, has the OP had her thyroid tested?

You do need to get help for your depression. Your children don't need a perfect mother, they need you

If missing the rotavirus vaccine bothers you a lot, could it perhaps be done privately?

And don't forget, worrying about being a bad parent generally means you are a good parent! Bad parents don't worry about being bad parents

It can't be done privately because I assume the same recommendations apply and that is after 14 weeks and 6 days it can't be given as a first dose due to possible increased risk of the bowel twisting. I think private clinics have to follow the NICE guidelines the same? So they wouldn't do it would they?
I'm a t1 diabetic so I think they check my thyroid then but I will make sure.

Thank you everyone

Did you call your gp?

You absolutely cannot give up your children.

You must be absolutely exhausted to still be expressing and then feeding and having an older child too to look after.

I did it with my first child and got to four months where I started going delerious with lack of sleep. I'd seriously advise giving that up. You WILL feel guilt initially I did and then when I stopped bf my younger two but it was the right thing to do. Sleep deprivation will not be helping at all.

This WILL pass. you WILL get better.

What area are you in? If it's near me I will happily come and help even if it's just to make you a cup of tea. Can your mil and parents take your eldest out on some days out during the holiday? That will give you a bit of a break and also relieve some of that unnecessary guilt you are feeling.

You are ill. This is not you. It's not your fault. Please do listen to the people who have been there then recovered. They all felt the same. You need the right meds and the right support. Be as kind to yourself as you can be x

You are a good mum. Look at how much it pains you that you missed that vaccine? It's because you love her. Your DS lashes out at you because he's 7 and 7 year olds are volatile little beasts (I have a female variety - just as bad) - it's their stage in development to be so grown up one moment and so utterly vile the next.

Please keep holding on. You will get there. Your children need you. Not any body else.

Thank you - everyone has been so kind and helpful.

I went for a walk today with a friend which made me feel slightly better as it distracted me but I'm so tired again now that I feel worse.

I didn't phone the GP. I couldn't bear to be interrogated by the receptionist. I just didn't feel up to it.

I wish I could move past this rotavirus thing, I never realised it could be so serious to be honest. I've convinced myself that karma will get me and dd will be one of the tiny tiny minority to die from the disease. She's so precious. Ds is too but he doesn't seem as vulnerable. That's why I want someone else to take them, someone more competent. The worry and the anxiety and the constant guilt are just too much all the time.

Ok I have been in your position and it is bloody awful. I tried sertraline and it made me worse and made me physically poorly too. The doctor changed me onto citalopram and my mood picked up.really quickly. It just suited me better. I too had toxic in laws who were making me poorly. I literally thought it was me who was the problem. I had CBT and a lovely therapist. After about the fourth session she turned to me and said "you are nice person, totally rational do you think it might not be you who has the problem?"

Also you are not responsible for how everybody else are feeling. If you had been ill because of any physical reason then you wouldn't feel the guilt and they wouldn't blame. Mental illness is exactly that. An illness. It's not your fault. Your brain is just playing tricks on you.

So to sum up:
See a doctor TOMMORROW
Start formula feeding (and don't feel guilty)
Ask for practical support. Your parents sound like they would help you.
Last thing: be kind yourself you are doing a great job.

You do know that the rotavirus thing is just the issue that your anxiety has settled on? I could almost feel the anxiety trying to settle on something when mine was getting into gear.

CBT might really really help. Worked wonders for me in the past.

I am on the waiting list for cbt and gave registered with healthy minds.

"but I'm so tired again now that I feel worse."
It's good that you know it's the tiredness. It does make things feel even worse .... How about if you write yourself a note during the day and put it by your bed saying "No decisions after 9 p.m." or something like that?

I know exactly what you mean about the GP. Had a rough experience with a staff member at mine (her basically telling me to stop moaning, ugh) and almost didn't go back, but I did, and the next time it wasn't as bad.

Have a look at some of the online advice on depression again. Many people have to try several types of treatment before they find the right one for them.

Hi OP. I have posted on your thread in mental health. I saw in your last post that you are a type 1 diabetic. Is it possible your insulin medication needs to be looked at? The reason I say this is because my friend who is a diabetic was severely depressed and put on numerous AD's, anti psychotics etc when it is was her insulin levels causing havoc.
I also see you are expressing. I did that for 3 of my children because they would not latch on. It is double the work and incredibly hard going. To keep this up when your DD is 6 months is amazing especially when you have older kids too. You have to manage your time very well.
You don't want to leave your kids because when you are better, which you will, you will be so grateful that you hung on.
You're exhausted, you have no support, you express and you're a diabetic.
Getting your meds right, talking on here and going for a walk with a friend will all help you to getting back your life. Nothing is forever, you will get better.

OP - I thought my baby would die. Back story: when I was long term TTC a colleague at work had got pregnant and I felt jealous (never openly, I was happy for her and knew my jealousy was my problem). Her baby died and as well as feeling sad for her I felt bad for ever feeling jealous. When I later had my baby I was so terribly anxious and as someone mentioned above I latched onto first his weight (his weight was fine) and then the idea that he would die. I too had this stupid idea about karma.

My mum also told me that she and my dad were ill because they were so worried about me. She claimed that she told me to show that people cared (I thought nobody cared about me). But to me it sounded (and it still does to be honest) like she was trying to make me feel guilty and responsible for their feelings. She thought if I really wanted to feel better then I could make that happen. People sometimes say the most stupid and unhelpful things because they don't understand mental illness.

I only share this because I want to give you hope that these feelings can pass. They are not forever. Of course as a mum the thought my baby might die or be seriously ill is awful. But I just don't think about that possibility very much anymore. While he is healthy it doesn't have to be at the top of my worry list. I am still annoyed at what my mum said but I can't cope with it now.

You are ill and you need to prioritise getting better. Expressing is very hard work and will make you more tired. Tiredness makes everything feel harder. Now your baby is 6 months please seriously consider moving to formula. You have given her a fantastic start. If sertraline isn't helping you, maybe you need a different antidepressant. I was prescribed citalopram even though I was bf at the time because it had worked for me before. I agonised about taking it but the medical opinion was that getting me better was the best thing for my baby too.

Good luck and keep talking here.

I am still annoyed at what my mum said but I can cope with it now.

Hey it's only a virus my son missed out on it too! Children get sick all of the time, it's ok.

You need a break, a rest, you need time out.

It's the weekend can you go elsewhere for a few days, you are not getting appropriate help.

Leave the DC with your dh.

You need rest, sleep. He needs to tidy the house and manage the kids for you. Can one of them have a sleep over at mils? Maybe your son?

I chose not to give that vaccine at all. DS is fine, probably has had it and I haven't realised that's what it was out of all I think the main reason for that is that it cuts the strain on the NHS by avoiding hospitalisations that would have happened when caught. If your DD gets it - she'll simply be treated and be fine

I spent time in a mum and baby unit. It's the best thing I ever did for DS and DH and would be the fastest route to getting well now from how it sounds like you feel now. They won't take away your thoughts entirely, they'll teach you how to cope with them and enable you to bond despite them which is the best thing you could do for your DD. Long term her development and DS' depends far more on healthy attatchment than on the vaccination schedule

I just feel bad that she will suffer at all when I could have stopped it. She's so happy and cheerful and I keep thinking if only she knew what I'd done to her and what was going to happen to her, then she wouldn't be so happy.
I presume ds caught it at some point but he's never had an upset stomach ever (touches wood) and has only ever been sick a handful of times, for less than a day. But I am much the same, I get colds etc but am rarely sick. In fact until I had appendicitis aged 12 I can't remember ever being sick. However dh has always suffered with stomach bugs so if she takes after him she will probably struggle too.
I guess there must be less of it about though? If most children are vaccinated?

I just wish I'd died during the c section. I think it would have been better for everyone.

I just wish I'd died during the c section. I think it would have been better for everyone

I know that you honestly believe this . But You are wrong , it would have been one of the worst things ever to happen to your children .

This is the depression that makes you feel like this. You need to get more help .