Giving up my children

[Throughautomaticdoors]

I've had severe pnd for six months and nothing has helped. I feel like I'm either going to end up dead or as an inpatient. The only way I can see to avoid those things is to leave dh and give up any access to my children.
I know my parents would still want to see them. Would that just be at the discretion of dh and his mother who he would go and live with? If I'm ever well enough to work I presume I'd pay maintenance?

"Plus I needed to express again and feed dd so I said we couldn't and he said I was mean and spat at me. Spat at me! He would never have behaved like that before, I can't help feeling me being like this is affecting him badly too."

He's just jealous. This really isn't about you its jealousy of his baby sister getting your attention and preventing you doing what he wanted to do with him. Its normal his nose is put out of joint, and there is quite a big age gap too, so he's been used to having you all to himself for a long time!

But you mention you are expressing milk? Breast feeding can be very exhausting and it really isn't the end of the world if you give your baby a bottle in the evening, or even quit breast feeding and go over to the bottle. Your son might also enjoy an opportunity to hold her and feed her (watched carefully of course) and if h can feel that he's very much the important big brother and helping his mum that can ease the resentment he's feeing too.

Please don't give up your DC as you so evidently love them. You need support so ask the home start team. What's a bit of embarrassment compared to losing your DC.

Go see your GP or cpn and tell them you need help. Tell your "D"H he needs to pull his finger out and support you. Or if money isn't an object then get a nanny in to help you and give you some time to yourself.

Maybe consider stopping the expressing and just use formula? I'm very pro bf but I felt so much more like me once I stopped, both times. It can be incredibly draining.

Being an inpatient is not a disaster.

I'm so sorry for you and so cross at your useless husband. You can get better and still keep your DC. Take every bit of help available.

I know of two professional mothers who had psychosis after giving birth. Both were treated successfully in hospital and both have had further children with no complications.
You will regret giving your children up so please accept any help your friends and family can offer, you WILL get better I promise.

CantFeelMyFace

BTW you don't need to breastfeed. Nothing is more important than your mental health at this point. Baby won't care if it's breast/bottle and it will be one less thing to worry about.

My thoughts exactly!
If you're struggling do everything you can to make life easier!

I'm expressing because we didn't manage to feed for various reasons. Around 7 times a day but I am starting to reduce this (only the last few days) and introduce some formula even though I feel guilty about that too.
It is sad for ds. He was so excited about being a big brother and then mommy was gone for two weeks over Christmas, his sister was poorly and mommy has had some sort of nervous breakdown meaning that nothing has gone back to normal. It's sad for everyone (except perhaps MiL who had a lovely Christmas ) I'm so sad for my son, my parents, my daughter and to a degree my husband (wife has gone insane) that I could weep and weep and weep.

Oh you poor love! I agree with Believeitornot, try to sleep tonight and then get an urgent appointment tomorrow.
Can you say whereabouts you are? I'd happily pop by to make you a cup of tea/take one of the DC out for a breath of fresh air for a short while/put a wash on for you. Gladly. Anything that would help you gather the energy to Speak to a HCP to get you on track.

You are a great Mum, you will go on to be an even greater Mum. This is just a blip. Your DH needs to step up and help, not go running to MIL every time something doesn't go to plan. See the Dr and get the help you need. You are unwell, not trying to cause issues for your husband. I can't help thinking that part of the reason things have got so bad is because of him! Working away all the time when you're struggling at home? How selfish of him. Good luck - you will make it through x

Two important things:

• the negative feelings that you have are part of your illness.
• you WILL get better.

I suffered a severe depression brought about by surgery. I could see no hope of ever being better, but now I am. It took a while and I had to steel myself when things were bad, but you will get there.

The illness distorts your thinking, so wait till you are better before making such important decisions.

I'm expressing because we didn't manage to feed for various reasons. Around 7 times a day but I am starting to reduce this (only the last few days) and introduce some formula even though I feel guilty about that too.

OMG no wonder youre worn out! Expressing and feeding is double the work!
Your baby will do fine on formula. Just make life easy for yourself.
Formula fed babies usually go longer between feeds as well so youll be able to give a bit more attention to your ds. There is a good side to everything. When you have two children you are always balancing their needs.

Don't worry, things will only get better, really.

OP, i dont often tell people my "story" but i hope it will help. I had my son 8 years ago, i didnt have his father around and little support. I like you had hideous PND. I tried to battle through it and put the facarde on that i was coping... I was drowning. I needed help and no one would. I remember sobbing in my hall almost screaming for someone to help me. It all came to a head as i focused on my son and not my home. My home was a state and ss got involved etc. They placed my ds with his father. I went to the doctor (this was when ds was 4) and broke down, she was amazing. She helped, she listened for ages and we made a plan. Id been so detatched from ds, and from myself really. I started anti depressants and cbt. That slowly leveled out how i felt. I was ill but everyone judged me for wanting to be away from my ds... In reality i was trying to protect him. I did a parenting course and slowly built myself back again. I was seeing ds 3 times a week. Fast forward 4 years and I am me again. Im in a management role work wise (work saved me), i am off all anti depressants and we share custody of ds. I know its a completley different situation but i promise you, no matter how bleak things seem, you can get better.

I wish i could sit and pop my arm round you and make you a cup of tea and be there. You are a wonderful mum. Don't doubt that. You're just struggling with the worst illness. If i can be of any help please let me know. Im so sorry you feel like this. I really wouldnt wish it on anyone. You can do this.

Get in touch with your surestart friends, they will be only too happy to help someone they know and love. See your GP but also, can you afford to get more permanent help in for a bit, what about a Doula? Mothers help or similar who can support you.

Sending you positive thoughts and love. You can get through this. You will get through this. Your DD is supposed to be here and she will be OK. You have both made it this far. Well done. Get the help you need to take every day as it comes.

Don't make any final decisions about your DC when you are so unwell. But you might benefit from some time away them, if your parents can help.
You need to see a specialist PND mental health team ASAP. And your DH needs to understand that you are seriously unwell.

And please don't rule out admission. Most MH units are calm & welcoming places these days - not at all what you might be imagining. And, with a voluntary admission, if you don't like it, you can just leave.

Expressing 7 times a day! When do you get time to even breathe!

Please know it's OK to stop bf. It doesn't make you a bad person. It's the only sensible option. Formula is bloody marvellous and we should all be grateful it's available (and I say that after having ebf both of mine - I was LUCKY, nothing more). I'm sure your DD would rather have a rested mummy around than some breast milk but a mum on the edge.

Give yourself every chance OP. Take every short cut. Just make it your aim to find a reason to smile, just once in a day. Survive and get help. Please don't believe you'd be helping your children by leaving, that's just not true.

Sweetheart, you can take up to 200mg per day of Sertraline. Get your meds upped before you make any huge decisions.

Darling, it's not your fault. None of it, and you are going to get better, it doesn't feel like that now, but it will.

PND is real and is horrible. Go to your gp tomorrow morning, and talk to them.

Where are you? Three will be a posse of MNs round faster than you can say shitty nappy if you just say the word.

You say you have made bad decisions but I am sure you haven't.

We all make mistakes, get it wrong. Tell us something, I'm sure it's not as bad as you think.

I'm so sorry OP.

PND can be horrendous as you are now experiencing. You need to believe me and the rest on here when we say that it will not last forever.

Please, please listen because you will feel better.

How long have you been on the meds for?

Your DH sound truly awful and I wouldn't trust his parents intention either.

You say that your parents are close to a breakdown, is this because they're worried about you? Would it be possible to move in with them for a while so that you can all take care of each other?

Just echoing what everyone else has said really, I've been where you are and it will get better honestly. If you were near me I'd happily come give you a hand. Please get to doctors and try get some more help.

I'm in North Wilts if this is anywhere near to you?

It's so easy when you are ill to lose perspective over what is normal and what isn't. barely being out of your PJs all day when you have a premature, sick baby is normal. Being unable to go to the park with your older child because your baby has needs is normal. The older child acting up is normal. None of this is your fault.

Needing to top up with formula is normal. Don't waste energy feeling guilty about that. Babies all over the world thrive on formula. pre babies can find it so hard and so tiring to latch on. Formula is brilliant if this is the case.

Try to be kinder to yourself and less judgemental. (I know how very hard that is with PND.) Don't be ashamed of asking Homestart for help. They will be more than glad to help someone who's helped them in the past.

So very sorry for your daily hell. I do get it, cos I've been there too. I understand that you feel your only escape is to leave. But please please don't do it.

The thing is you will get better. It's a day-in-day-out battle for some time and it's truly horrible. It's all consuming torment. I do understand. BUT if you work with your doctors and take the medication (this makes you feel weird for some time and is scary to take, but does work) then you will turn a corner. There will be steps forward/steps back, changes of drugs etc. but you'll get there.
You are the best for your children. They love you deeply and they need you - poorly or not. Please don't leave them. You will regret that.
It's so hard to see past your current nightmare so perhaps if you look at the statistics this will help - women with PND have a very high recovery rate and you will recover.

You won't always feel like this. You need to speak to your GP and get the MH team to speak to you and you husband together. You clearly love your children and are a good mother. PND is hideous I know but this will end and you will be happy again. Maybe yr meds need changing. You sound shattered could MIL come and stay. Mine did and it helped me. Good Luck.

OP, are you the same poster who was feeling very distressed about missing a vaccination for your baby? You sound so incredibly anxious...my heart really goes out to you .

I honestly don't think you need to look at this in terms of 'leaving your children'...the future is long and your children need their mum...but you clearly need more support and help than you are getting now, in order to get well and happy again and be the mum that you know deep down you are.

Have you been back to the docs or up to A&E and told them just how very bad you're feeling? Is this something you could do? Is there anyone who an support YOU (just you) in doing this - a friend, sister, cousin etc?

I'm not talking out of my arse, btw. I've been there. Severe PND, the same dreadful anxiety that made me feel the kids would be better off without me...I did end up in hospital for a short spell. I am well now and feel sad looking back at myself then and how desperately sad and unwell I was. You can get better too. Promise