Thread for those who have left marriages that weren't AWFUL, just unsatisfying (pt. II)

[All0vertheplace]

The last thread reached 1,000 posts (!) so here's where we can keep the discussion going. Cake and flowers to all.

I've tried a few times to join in with this thread but feel I'm invisible. Is it my way of writing or expressions that are off putting. Feeling really lonely & sad

Hi hotwater - v sorry, i just reread my last post and realise like it did look exclusive, apologies it was certainly not intended to be.
When will your OH be back/will you know whether he's said anything?
It is a nightmare having to constantly go over this with them isn't it - feeling like you're being so hurtful and horrible. But I think the kind of passivity that my OH is showing in not initiating any conversations about the situation/taking any action is his way of trying to control things. He thinks he can achieve what he wants - i.e. nothing changes - as i will not be strong/confident enough to carry things through on my own. To be fair this approach of his has worked many times before. I hate feeling like i'm upsetting someone - and like to agree ways forward - and he knows that. Do you think you have a similar dynamic going on with your OH?
Sorry you are feeling so sad and lonely - I can understand why. Hopefully he will have told his family and you'll feel like you're making progress.

Hot please don't feel bad. We're supporting eachother as best we can I suppose.
Loneliness is so hard to live with, I totally understand and sympathise.

You're not alone

Also hot, your hurt is just as bad. He's hurting you. Try try try to be resolute. Nothing can be truly gained by ruminating .... I know only too well.

You're feelings matter too..

Thanks I kind of forget my hurt is valid too. I read so many threads on her about men leaving women and the men are totally flamed, women advised to take them for every penny, kids will blame them etc. It's so upsetting. I know some of these men have cheated but often some are just unhappy like us. Are they not allowed to be?

Deep green yes it's exactly the same dynamic to a tee. I have no idea if he told them as he never said a word. He will be waiting for me to ask and I won't. His family, his call. I'm angry with his passitivity now.

I have thought that too - about reading about my situation as if a man wrote it, and whether I'd feel/people would react differently. I think though I should just stop thinking so much - like pint says, it doesn't really get you anywhere.

That is so hard he won't just tell you if he's told them!! He's really making you do all the hard work. He's trying to retain some power/control I suppose - but awful for you

Yes need to stop beating myself up. Just need to push on. Thanks for listening.

DeepGreen It't not actually fair is it. I know that if when I tell DH he will lay on a massive guilt trip. I won't even be able to tell him why, because I don't really know myself.

Hotwater You are well within your right to be hurting, too. It's so difficult to get the courage to end things, especially when nothing is "wrong". It is equally hard when you have that history and for him to then make you feel bad about the choice you have made isn't on.

Stay strong. We are all here for you, and each other

Re power & control, if you don't ask/check-up, then you maintain some control. Play the game as it were.

This might come across as abrupt but I don't mean it to; gently, does it really matter to you if/when he tells his parents?

It took my ex 3 months to tell his. I played along. I knew it would have to happen some day and that he was only making it harder on himself.

Didn't dare tell him that though; his PA behaviours/responses would have probably had me in tears! He's sweetness and light when I toe the line. When I ask him to think about sthg which involves him looking even slightly below the surface, he gets defensive, snipes and can be so mean.

Funnily enough we get on great now. Space has been really helpful for both of us. We will never get back together, too much water under the bridge but I know he loves the bones of the kids, and that is more than good enough for me.

Thanks everyone. Apintof you are right, it doesn't matter, I just thought the right thing would be for him to tell them before they hear on the grapevine. But I've been distancing myself from them anyway, only see them maybe 3 or 4 times a year as they never visit and live quite far away! Guess they are the least of my worries.

Am away from my OH at the moment and finding it so much easier to talk about what we're going to do over email than face to face. Then I don't have to deal with the dramatics and can keep things short and to the point.
He hasn't forgotten about the decision that we were going to physically separate at the end of the summer - but has now decided that the flat we identified doesn't actually suit him after all so we need to think about somewhere else - but he hasn't looked into anything. I can just see this process dragging on.
I'm going to have to be the one to move out aren't I.

I asked DH to leave on Saturday morning - feels like a hundred years ago

We have just grown apart, nothing in common, no sex or affection but resentment was beginning to build. The atmosphere at home was getting horrible........plus the ils are poisonous and interfering

Blush how did he take it?

Deep I wish I could by email. Please don't move out, even if you have to search for another flat yourself it's worth it, I know I will be the one organising that as he never will. What was wrong with the other one?

He punched a hole in the wall, said some nasty stuff and got his boss to pick him up. I've not heard anything for him since

We were together 18 years

Oh no :/ no contact. Do you have children?

Oh my goodness blushing - that all sounds pretty horrible. Hope you are ok.

Hot - the problem is that OH sees this house very much as the culmination of his hard work. I have been a SAHM for several years and before that earned much less than him. He loves this place and it suits him well for some of his hobbies (which a flat won't). He feels like he is being 'bullied out' and that this other place we had identified (which was completely fine for the short term and amazingly convenient on so many levels) won't work as well for him as this place.

I love our house but I'm more interested in actaully getting out of this at the moment. It is just so awful.

Going through this process is just magnifying all the reasons why I think we really are not at all suited to being together and why I have had underlying unhappiness for so long.

I've just read on other threads moving out the family home puts you in a worse situation financially. I'd get advice.

We have 2 DS14 & DD10

I'm sorry you feel you have you leave your house

Maybe I should just redouble my efforts to find a suitable flat then (I will also get some legal advice though). Efforts will definitely be mine - I think his head is going formly back in the sand.
The idea was not to have to move the DCs out in the short term and we find a flat that we can share - so one of us is here and the other there and then we swap. So he would be here in the house some of the time anyway in that scenario.
I'm not convinced how well it will work. I'd rather have better definined boundaries between us - but in the short term it would be an improvement on this I think.

Similar to me DS 15 & DD 12

I just want to scream, last few months he has sat in other livingroom watching tv/playing Xbox. This is the third night he has stayed in this room, sitting at other end of sofa not saying a word. I feel so tense & uncomfortable and want to scream. If I say anything though going to end in argument. I'm sitting seething. I'd go myself but he will just ask why & end up in same argument. I cannot stand this every night.

Hot - I know exactly where you're coming from.

First night back at home after a few days away for me. Not sure how things are going to go.

He has moved, he said something (of no interest to me about someone I don't know) and I just sort of said oh right and so he left. Oops. Hope your night is better.

I've 'patched' it all over. Again. Pile of utter bollox. See how long this lasts

Iron, bless you what's going on?!
Hot water and deep green I feel for you but at least you have some plans. I decided 3 weeks ago that I am leaving and told dh after loads of talks and soul searching over the last few years. He pleaded with me not to, I didn't agree, but said well I don't have anywhere yet to go so it's not going to happen straight away and we're still here in limbo! I may have some money and a job offer which to me signals that I will be able to leave but still no conversation from him as if I've never mentioned being unhappy and leaving. What makes it worse is that my confidant few friends all bar two don't mention it either like if they don't say anything I'll come to my senses. It really does make me doubt that what I say means anything which is quite a lot of why I'm leaving. I so wish I could wave a magic wand and I'd be in my new home. I keep looking at the house and wondering how on earth we will divide the contents. I like to hoard and most of the furniture is bought post marriage and big and all match each other, but I'd never afford the same again and why should I leave it?!
Ps I can't stay in family home as its next to mil and is his family home.