Thread for those who have left marriages that weren't AWFUL, just unsatisfying (pt. II)

[All0vertheplace]

The last thread reached 1,000 posts (!) so here's where we can keep the discussion going. Cake and flowers to all.

The plan was to end my marriage in the next couple of years but he is becoming increasingly more controlling I suspect this is because he can recognise that we are growing further apart. I can't live like this its intolerable. Why does he think it's acceptable to treat me like this? I'm beginning to hate him.

Oh such familiar words Porffor and Misswhattodo...I also am cold,selfish and uncaring allegedly! They just can't grasp that's it's not ONE big lump of a reason... It's thousands of 'little' disappointments, deceits, put downs, selfish behaviour, immature behaviour, unsupportive behaviour that add up to a fucking humongous lump of a reason. He's now constantly telling our 3dds that this is all my idea, nothing to do with him. He is sinking even lower in my estimation.

House was good, if he doesn't take it I will.

I really think this will happen with us too - it'll be my fault forever, and I'm struggling with the realisation it's coming my way.

Last couple of times we were intimate it's not felt good at all - yeah he knows what to do - but it's not felt 'intimate' in the sense of feeling a bond etc, I stopped it months ago now and my wedding ring has been off my finger for 2 months, none of which he mentions anymore. He asked for a hug last night - after he started acting completely happy and normal after my tears and angst, I was drained and said I was not ready.. i hated the hope it gave but couldn't face a straight no. I haven't been sleeping in the bed for a while or only when he isn't - so now i'm back to feeling i can't be there as it's too much pressure.

I have a couple of feelers out for a flat and house at the moment - hoping they come back but today almost cancelled the flat one - as felt guilty.

I have saved a bit of money and my sister has given me some to help with deposit / reference fees.

I need to remember her words - be strong.. so small yet so powerful and hard to enforce.

I feel for all of you. So much. Most of your DHs seem frustrating in the extreme (putting it mildly) -the clear answer is to separate. Stay strong and make plans, do your research, plan your separation and put it into effect.
I still suffer in the situation that my DH is wonderful, fantastic, he's never done anything wrong, all he's ever done is love me and be great to me. But somehow the romance, the intimacy, sex, kissing ... it's dripped away little by little so that now 18 years later theres nothing. We are best friends, great parents etc. Theres no one id rather hang out with; but i cannot kiss/make love with him. In our forties we cant sign off and be celibate forever more. I am overwhelmed by guilt and sadness x

QueSera That's really sad

QueSera - I can relate to the friend part. I hope you're able to talk openly together and perhaps part on good terms, no matter how guilty that may feel at first.

I've had a blow up at home - hubby has been honest on a few things and we're going to get our ducks in order as they say. I'm going to hand my notice in to work too it's more hours than I planned for, i've tried to get a role shorter hours but to no avail. So it's time to step back and be a mum again full time. hubby is going to look for a place and we're going to work on 50/50 custody and he's going to go back to a music group he used to go to but gave up for some social time of his own.

finally feel like i got through to him somewhat.

Thanks Ms and Porffor

Porrfor wow that sounds intense! You ok? Thats a lot of changes! Are you going to be ok financially if you leave your job?

Thanks - yeah it's been going through my head and to be honest if I left and stayed working it'd be awful for my 3 DD's - mum leaving and hoping for 50/50 custody with dad at home. I'll have to get by, we're council tenants so I could apply for housing benefit if needed but while hubby is here he has student finance, a small part time self employed role and we get adoption allowance / child benefit / child tax credit,

All in all i'll be better off keeping our house in my name and staying home with the girls / working less hours. I took the contract thinking i'd be doing 20 hours but am doing 33 on average a week including anti-social hours.

Ah hello all. Porffor well done on your plan and Hurley.
I've had a week reeling and feeling so bad about all the upheaval I'm causing and then swinging to relief having told my mum and sisters.
My mum keeps asking me to try and says she's hoping things will be better all the time. It's felt like a huge pressure.
I'm still struggling to destress and not have my stomach in knots. But this morning I woke and thought no, I'm done with trying, I've spoken to dh about us for over two years and really laid it on the line for him. I know it's all new for my family and their reactions are to be expected and tbh I thought would be far more blaming. We've slept in separate beds for 6 months, not had sex in longer, not managed a day without resentment and gruff attitude between us for the last year at least. I need to get out.
I've got a lovely house small but ok in the planning for us. He can stay here in the large family home, with his head in the sand if that's what he continues to want. He's taken so much headspace and emotion out of me I'm not prepared to put up and shut up anymore.
Mouthy independent shandy who wants a laugh and kindness has arrived even if that's just between me and dcs. I can't wait and have spent the day planning my new house.

I also realised that this thread is getting close to being full at 1000posts for the second time and I've been here from close to the beginning of thread 1. Time for change.

Glad you checked in Shandy. You are amazingly strong. I take a leaf from you.

Awfully difficult here. Communication has completely broken down. Feel so, so sorry for my kids. Absolutely no attempt from him. Like he's waiting around to see my next move. I'm not sure if he's been to see a solicitor or anything as he spends all evening every eve on his ruddy computer. I am staying at work increasingly longer and later and sleeping with DD again. Trying to get an app in for a higher grade - deadline is today.

Hang in there lovely ladies and possible guys reading...

Shandybass that sounds so positive... Like a stretched wire has snapped! Good for you...it would got on forever otherwise, and what family and friends do not see or feel is the toxic bloody atmosphere in the home.
I too plan what I'm doing with this place, after its years of neglect. Think he will take house we looked at... True to his immature form, he told me I wld have to do his garden maintenance!! He'll got a fright when I invoice for it

Mouthy independent shandy who wants a laugh and kindness has arrived even if that's just between me and dcs.

Shandy I noticed you had posted and opened thread to see how things are. We posted on threads last summer. I name change a lot but think this is the one I was using. You might not remember but I had just left stbxh.

Ive been bumbling along and just wanted to say your post made me smile and was just the sentiment I needed to read right now! So thank you! You might still have tough times to get through but you are doing so well. Keep going!

Good luck to all on the thread. Hope you find the strength to do whatever you need to do.

It's amazing that there's almost 2000 posts on this thread! That's a lot of us needing support, I know it's a huge help and comfort to me... Hugs to all..keep strong!

Well I have tried to reach out to AllOver a few times. I always try to think that he is in love and spending time with his children. I miss him very much and would love to know how he's doing...

Someone will need to start the 3rd thread!! I'd probably bugger it up

So managed to get the application in for a more senior role. It was a shambles, despite working on it for a week!! I don't care. It was a personal goal to send something in. I won't get an interview, unless they have to top up numbers/are desperate!!!

I have been looking at houses today. I need to make this happen. Still reluctant to see a solicitor as I am so scared! Feeling much more positive than last week which was a bit of a shambles. Have finally chatted to a school mum who split up with DH before Christmas. I knew about her as I had heard third hand. I couldn't ask her despite being desperate to! But she told me last night so am hoping to meet her for a coffee/hand-hold... Some RL support.

We have just spoken about the kids. He has to work a day in a couple of weeks. I said I can cover both sides and We are going to have to get used to making arrangements like that" and he said "I know".

I don't even feel sad anymore. Just wish it was done. Potentially the new hormone...! Could do with an influx of cash to make it happen...

And I have just spent the last hour reading this thread. So many posters since June. Posters even I didn't acknowledge because I can be so self absorbed! Wow. When I read back my posts I feel so weak. All very strange...

Hope you are all good

I think if you put an @ and then the username then they will receive an email notification
@AllOvertheplace

Can anyone give me some advice/ ideas please? Have got my free half he appointment with solicitor tomorrow but want to make sure I ask the right questions. So far I have.. if he refuses to leave the family home can I force him (and how).. if I can't what are my other options?.. if he does leave, can I change the locks so he can't just wander back in and out as he pleases... what about selling the house?.. could I just leave with kids into rented (would it be considered similar to abduction?).

My head is such a mess at the moment I just want to make sure I cover everything I possibly can and make the most of the free half hour. Anyone think of anything else I should ask?

Basic upshot is that I want us to split. I originally said I wanted to sell house and split proceeds but after an argument last year he suggested that I stay in house with kids for stability/ continuity for them and he move out. However he is refusing to do any of this now so I'm stuck!

Well done INeed!
Miss - someone will be along soon to help.

He has gone to score and I am praying a copper catches him.....

I'm so sorry can't help on the advice front or what to ask.

I must admit it was hard handing in my notice today, My funeral director, manager and co-ordinator were all lovely. I love my job and I even had a few tears with a work colleague / friend who made a big fuss and gave me a hug, we had a good heart to heart so she knows everything and really is a lovely person. She made me promise to stay in touch.

Another colleague is a biker friend so we'll see each other (I'm determined to keep my bike as it's only a cheapie to insure / tax and is my sanity).

I suggested a family meal out tonight including hubby as we need a break from emotions and tears all of us - the girls are noticing and it was nice to go out and be 'normal' I did tell hubby it's not us 'back to normal'. Also DD1 asked if we're going out for valentines (she's our baby sitter as she's nearly 18) I said No as it's a weekday (hubby knew what i meant) and she accepted that, saying she's got a night out planned with a few friends (hope for her that includes a boy-friend as she's a lovely girl and deserves to be happy).

I feel emotionally drained still but I know I've the right thing about work it's just I'll miss it. I also am looking forward to the fact all 3 DD's are on half term my first week off so we'll be able to do some bits together and enjoy :)

He is FINALLY looking at flats!!! There is hope everyone!

Just caught up with everyone. It's tough but you will all get there.

Fantastic hope it goes well when he moves.

My husband is now lying to me about a phonecall a 'hang on' on the phone as he went up to our room - found him lying on the bed after the call'.. honestly he won't look me in the eye when i ask who it was, just silence from him.

We all (3 DD's, husband and I) went for a meal last night to help ease the pressure in the house. I am still in the marital bed at times (when not too angry / upset to sleep), and he woke me for a 'cuddle' I remember mumbling not wanting one (thank goodness my sub concious was on the same page), he hasn't mentioned it but I'm planning on sleeping in DD1's bed tonight as a 'message'. I need to have another chat.

I've handed in my notice to be a SAHM for the girls while we split up, but he seems to think it's time to plan our summer together. Err no that isn't my plan at all.

It's tricky sleeping in same bed..I think it's a sign to them that all is not lost..wrong. I just don't want to disturb my Dds sleep by sleeping in their bed, the couch is comfy tho. I was utterly stunned wen he suggested that he wanted to have a final shag...I just laughed. It says a lot about the perception of what a wife is. It will not be happening.

Wow a final shag, nice term :( I'd be laughing too.

Well he's clearly got the message now as he's stormed out - I had to remind him he couldn't drive as had had a bottle of wine (I don't drink). He is fed up being in the 'dog house' so clearly see's himself as the victim.

He had stopped to put on aftershave - something he only does when we go out on a date night or such. it's never 'normal' for him to put on.

My own reaction is interesting - I've left for space twice recently. Once he ignored it and didn't even ask where I'd been. Last time he messaged me to say I could go to a hotel for 'space'. So I'm thinking that's what he's doing. There is one a couple of miles away. But I should be beside myself shouldn't I.. but I'm not.