Thread for those who have left marriages that weren't AWFUL, just unsatisfying (pt. II)

[All0vertheplace]

The last thread reached 1,000 posts (!) so here's where we can keep the discussion going. Cake and flowers to all.

hello everyone, I posted a couple of times on the old post and have namechanged now because DH knows I use MN and I don't want him finding this.
Currently on holiday with the family, and decided that this is it, we are home at the weekend and I'm finally ready to tell him I want out. I decided a year ago that I was leaving once our DCs finished their A levels and had left for uni, but thats another year yet and I really can't do this anymore.
Walking around a beautiful seaside village a couple of days ago my youngest said how all the bickering gets her down and she avoids spending time with us. So I've been thinking since then whats the point of waiting if its affecting her anyway, I was holding it together to protect her because I know he will turn into Mr Nasty when I tell him I want out.
We've been married 25 years, DDs are 16 and 18. On the surface got a great life, part time job I enjoy, lovely house etc but I am so lonely in the marraige. I see other people describing their husband as their best friend and I am so jealous - we don't talk about anything other than practicle stuff, if I try to ask about his day or anything I just get shot down, no shared intersts. He drinks way too much, and I'm just about tea-total so I guess that doesn't help either.
Anyway, been up half the night thinking of how to phrase it, and planning scenarios in my head of what can happen next. No way can I afford to move out, I'm hoping he'll want to keep the house and buy me out - but if I make it obvious thats what I want he'll be bloody minded and refuse.
MIL is at our house until Sunday (love her to bits, she comes to look after the dog) so can't say anything until then, but I'm now thinking the sooner the better, our girls aren't back at college/uni until September so gives us all time to adjust.
Wish me luck

Orange - sounds like you are clear in your mind.

I'm having a really awful time and would appreciate any support. I've posted on various threads a few times. Been on A/L all week and have told OH i want a trial separation. In.my head I had so clearly listed all the reasons why I think we need to be apart and all the reasons for my unhappiness -big reasons including mismatched values, absence of sharee interests, mutual lack of respect, bickering. Just seeing other couples and envying their connectedness. Some specific begaviours aroumd the kids -resentment. And most of all my feelings after all this time have disappeared.

Anyway this morning (we shared a bed) we cuddled and talked with less bickering. He made me reiterate my reasons (doesnt agree thought we were happy -really?!!). Made me feel.guilty and question once more my decision. It's bloody awful. This is why i did it during annual leave. Handholding pls.

zolagood I almost fell off my chair reading your post - I thought somebody had written pretending to be me. I;ve heard almost exactly this script - gone mad, can't look after kids, I'll get full custody, you'll never see them, I'll tell everyone what you're really like.
All threats threats threats.
Off to see solicitor again soon - not being brave enough to say what I really think has struck a chord with me - I have to keep saying its over. (DH is refusing to accept it)

Orange our situations are so similar.

Last conversation a few weeks ago was me telling him (again) it was totally over, he just can't seem to accept it. I bought a sofabed, told him on Fri he needed to sleep there now as his snoring is stopping me sleeping. If he asks to come back to bed going to tell him no or offer to sleep on sofa myself. I told my parents at the weekend. Taking kids away for day/night tomorrow then want to tell them. We will have to live in same house for a while to sort finances.

Would you class us now as "separated". Example I went out and was away a lot longer than planned (did not want to tell him had gone to get advice) and he asked where I was. Surely we can now come & go as long as we check the other is around for kids?

Hi All. I am still here and reading with interest. Just wanted to say hi.
I am trying to get 'on' with life. We are away this weekend.
Hope you're all good

welshrabit - keep saying to yourself that YOU are important and you have a right to be happy. What ever your reasons it doesn't matter - you only have one life. Can you see yourself sharing your retirement with him when the kids have left?
hotwater - yes I would agree that you don't have to tell him where you are, try to gently disenagage. Years of habits are going to hard to change, especailly while you are living together.
the common thread here seems to be that you have told your husbands it's over and they don't accept it because they want to stay married.
Can I ask if any of you have started the actual divorce procedings, or are you waiting to work things out mutually about the split before contacting solicitors?
I was thinking of contacting a solicitor once we're back in the UK after our holiday, do you think that will stir things up and make it less likely to stay amicable? I guess I've spent the last year planning things in my head, and seeing if there was any way we could stay together, so now I feel that I just want to get on with it and end the uncertainty.
I've not told him outright that I'm so unhappy, but all along have been asking him to help more around the house, I've tried to get him to engage in conversations, to be more involved in the family, but he just stays on the outside making snarky comments and isn't intersted in us. I suppose it's hard as a man to be in a house of women, but there's nothing we can do about that.
I don't know why I'm rambling, just had thoughts going around my head all night and it helps to write them down.
Oh well, off to pack the suitcases now, love this time in the morning when everyone else is still asleep. Holidays been OK, would have been fantastic though if it was me on my own with our DDs! Its got to be time to tell him hasn't it?

Hi all. Was posting on the other thread. A lot of conversations have been had, arguing and then back to 'normality'. Have found I have struggled like most of you here to be 'allowed' to go due to the guilt from breaking up the family 😢
After a couple of days where we have been acting normal he has finally said today that if this is what u really want then he agrees.
Bittersweet moment. I don't hate him. I just don't love him or want to spend the rest of my life with him. I have tortured myself a million times and back again since our first discussion almost a year ago but I still believe this is what I should do.
Don't know what the next conversation will hold.. practicalities I hope regarding estate agents etc. He is still out of work at the moment and mentioned maybe looking for work further afield (Scotland! ) hoping this is a knee jerk reaction to the situation and not a serious consideration. During arguments he has accused me of wanting to take his children away from him.. which at no point have in said anything about access, but moving to the other end of the country would harm the kids more than us splitting
Hope everyone else is doing OK xxx

Hello miss what to do - yes this is me too. Really empathise. Keep being reminded of the 'good times' by oh. And the guilt oh the fucking guilt. Oh has agreed to stay with my mum who is nearby and who hasa spacious house. He keeps ringing me up asking why. This from the man who has threatened to leave me at least 10 times (usually involving him emptying his wardrobe into his car).

Hi all.

I'll go back and read the rest of the thread in a minute (haven't caught up in a while) but a quick update from me:

We told ds2 (8) a couple of weeks ago. We were both dreading it, more so than anything else, tbh, but it was actually ok, in the end. There were a few tears from ds2, but we explained how much time each week (and when) he would spend with his dad, that he was to have a whole brand new bedroom at grandma and grandpa's etc etc and after that he just said "That's ok. I'm fine with that." We then told him we would get him a mobile phone so that he could contact whichever parent he wasn't with, whenever he liked, and he was very happy about that.

So big sighs of relief all round. There haven't been any slumps since then either, although he doesn't seem to equate divorce with never seeing dad (I think because this is what has happened with some of his classmates) so we just avoid using that word and just say separating.

H has started a phased move-out, thankfully- for a while there it felt like he was trying to hang on and it was causing me to feel stressed and consequently there were rows. But I think we're getting there.

Shodan that sounds positive. We dreaded telling the kids.... Turned out to be not as difficult as we were expecting.

Yes, there were tears, however we were pretty well prepared and we're happy to present a united front (ironic really)

So far so good. I'm taking nothing for granted though. Their end of term reports were very very good, their lives are more calm Now, I believe.

They're all still at home. I stay in my parents house when he's with them, and vice versa.

It's the least we can do for them under the circumstances. I've spent so long being terrified of people's opinions. Largely people have been supportive, albeit from a safe distance.

ExDH is still welcome in my parents home which prob helps too. I can't get over how mature I've been, of that makes sense? The urge to blame , shout from the rooftops advertise in the press etc etc have been immense, however I've managed to swallow those words and not react (fuck knows how)

Wishing everyone a peaceful weekend

welsh -are you ok? How's it going today? You sound really down, and I don't blame you- the situation you're in sounds intolerable.

One thing I've learnt through this whole process is how great my friends are. Some I've been able to just text saying 'fuck fuck fuckety fuck' to , others have heard the whole sorry tale- even some schoolgate friends have heard the 'highlights'- and they've all been so supportive in different ways. It's really really helped to keep the atmosphere at home calmer (notice I say calmer, not calm- only a saint would be able to remain calm in these circumstances).

And they have all, without exception, reminded me that it's ok to leave a relationship if it's making you unhappy. There are no medals awarded for sticking it out in misery.

I understand why the partners who are being left are trying anything in their power to hang on. But ultimately, they wouldn't want to be with someone who clearly doesn't want them. Who would?

Shodan -thank you for asking. It is heartbreaking. Would be easier if he agreed instead of challenging my own feelings. He dies believe its for us both to get space and assumes after that time has passed he will move back in and normal service will resume. I do feel v confused. Thinkingaybe I need to stand up and make it work and that if i was less feisty with him we would be ok. But whwn uncertainty dates back 5 years thats not right is it?

Also shodan -what does phased move out involve?

Also appreciate this mantra, that it is ok to want to be happy.

And yes. Have been off this week. That has helped me process. Today its raining so kids amd I been baking -have a couple of friends visiting tonight from afar so we're going out.

welsh- well, H is moving in with his parents, and the plan is that ds2 will stay with him/them at weekends so the past two weekends they have done that. Also H has stayed there one or two nights during the week, and is starting to move his belongings there (although to be fair that was following a row). But H was talking in terms of a couple of months from now, whereas I have been thinking that he should be fully moved out when we get back from our family holiday in mid-August. That was when the row occurred and I told him that maintaining an amicable relationship on holiday would be nearly impossible for me if I hadn't had the space before then.

. Thinkingaybe I need to stand up and make it work and that if i was less feisty with him we would be ok

I'm a bit concerned about this. Less feisty? Do you mean less than the real you?

I've spent so long being terrified of people's opinions -exactly this, apint.

I can't help wondering if all of us on this thread are like that. And determined to see the other side, be fair to everyone, not to hurt people- even to the extent of making ourselves miserable.

I posted very early on in the original thread that I didn't actually realise how abusive my exH was until after I'd left him. I knew I was unhappy being with him but I'd normalised so much of his behaviour that it wasn't until I'd stepped away that I could see the full extent of what he'd been putting me through.

I told him many times over the last few years of our marriage that I wanted to leave, wanted to have marriage counselling etc but his solution was just to be extra nice to me for just long enough to get me doubting myself again. Eventually when I finally did go it was as much a bolt out of the blue to him as if I'd just upped and left having never breathed a word about being unhappy.

Why? Because he didn't value me as an equal therefore although he heard my words he never bothered to listen. Anything I said that he didn't agree with was overwritten in his mind by his "correct" opinion. I must be happy with our relationship deep down because he decreed it so, anything else was just me being silly or ungrateful. There was nothing I could have said that would have made him take me seriously because that would have meant the fundamental dynamics of our relationship shifting to one where he afforded me a level of respect that, with hindsight, he had never actually shown me from the very start.

I wanted to post here again because I see similarities in some of the situations here, where the partner who wants to leave is waiting for the other to take their unhappiness seriously enough so they can either start discussing separation or have one last ditch attempt at trying to making the relationship work. I'm not implying all the DPs/DHs in question are abusive but if they're not interested in finding out why you're unhappy then you'll never get their "permission" to leave no matter how you try to present it. So you just have to go ahead and do it. Six years on I'm so glad I did.

Hi everyone, been reading this thread for a few months whilst I try to get my head round whether to stay in my marriage. I've been married to my husband for 8 years, together for 12, and we have 2 Dc 3 & 6. Its been eating me up inside for months, I think about it almost constantly, cant sleep, and just when I think I've got it sussed I change my mind. The biggest problem is that I just don't fancy him anymore. I feel evil for admitting it as he's such a sweet lovely man and a great father but I don't think I can put on an act for much longer. We're 2 sessions into Relate and I admitted this to him in our last session and he was understandably devastated. I knew there was no going back from saying it but I felt like I was going to have a panic attack if I wasn't honest.
The therapist has suggested sexy texts and sex counselling to get the spark back but I feel like I'm so far past that point that it would be pointless.

I know others have been in similar situations and its so reassuring to read about, but reading this thread also makes me sad that I might chuck away a good relationship when so many others are with abusive men and cheaters. It feels so shallow and selfish to potentially mess up my children's lives and destroy my husband because I don't fancy him!

Apint I would be really interested to hear how you feel alternating stays in the family house is working out as I cant bear the thought of the kids having to move house.

Thanks for reading, hugs to everyone x

Tempus you have encapsulated my experience in a nutshell although I'm 5 years behind you.
He wanted a little ' wifey' and that was never me
He decided this AFTER we got married, the shit.

Victoria we wanted minimal disruption but are also financially a bit effed up thereby negating other options in the short to medium term.

Practically, it's ok. I have the kids set days, as does he. These don't change unless either of us have an invitation or unavoidable committment.

He's regular as clockwork, because he wants to see them. The kids lives haven't changed much in that their external routines stayed the same. We still have to use the same bedroom as we don't have any spares, but we leave it tidy etc.

I can't tell you how much less stressed & tense I am now, compared to when he finally moved out in Feb. I still marvel at the lack of IBS flare-ups too. We don't really argue at all anymore. Mainly because I don't need his approval/guidance any more. I'm managing just fine.

My middle child said to me today , " I really love our home mummy"

Married 11 years, 3DC's.

Shodan I think you're right. My boundaries are all over the place and need reigning in.. I suppose I'm doing that now (mental space to think has helped a lot)

Apint thanks so much for the info and I'm really glad to hear it's working so well for you. Great that its eased your IBS symptoms too.

I'm a really practical person, and I feel so much better having a plan in place so I've been thinking about what we could do if we separate. I feel bad that I have this secret plan but its also helped me manage my anxiety and panic attacks. Does anyone else feel/felt this strange mix of optimism for the future and sheer terror at the thought of all the chaos that you could cause?

Id be really interested to hear from anyone else that left a marriage where you got along fine, no arguments etc, lovely partner, but you just didn't feel attracted to them anymore.

Reading this thread is my lifeline! A mixture of terror and optimism/excitement here. I feel sickened saying this but I have just evicted him to the kids room, really couldn't stand his cuddles. Worst thing is I am relieved I didn't enjoy the cuddle. It's like m body is backing up my heart iyswim. I am being a bit hard on him and i feel like a b'stard however I am having to push on and disconnect a bit to get thru this.

Good news is he is def moving out on monday, temporarily in with his brother then hopefully into a property his family own.