Thread for those who have left marriages that weren't AWFUL, just unsatisfying (pt. II)

[All0vertheplace]

The last thread reached 1,000 posts (!) so here's where we can keep the discussion going. Cake and flowers to all.

Iron - you sound pretty desperate What happened?

I know what you mean about the reaction of some friends shandy. I've confided in very few to varying degrees. Fortunately one friend totally gets it and is v supportive. But others kind of look at me a bit like I'm mad - or like I'm just not understanding that things get a bit 'tough' sometimes. It's really the last kind of reaction you need. Maybe it is easier to tell people when you can present it as a done deal that you've both already agreed.

We amazingly had a v calm constructive conversation last night. He seems to have come to terms with it while I've been away and has decided there's nothing to be gained by being awful to each other. He understands that we are now separated and that we will tell a few people. We also made some plans about getting another place. Can't quite believe it!

Ah brilliant deep green, that must be a relief. Yes you're right about not confiding in many I just look around and dread everyone knowing and their reactions and the tittle tattle. Not that there'll be any scandal, but people like to try and find it.
I can cope with it from acquaintances but it's when you get it from close friends and family I think it'll hurt. But, maybe I'll just concentrate on dh and getting a place first and getting through two weeks of hols together!
Iron are you ok? Come and vent to us.

Ive actually been surprised at how supportive people, I've not had anything but support so far when I have said this is final. Please be reassured you are doing the right thing for you.

So pleased to hear Deep, such a step forward. So what happens next?

I'm still waiting for him to talk to me :/

Hi everyone.
Hot good to hear thi gs are moving forward and you are feeling more supported on here.

My concentrations not great but I like to post when i can remind myself of everyone's story and where they are at. Am also on phone so not easy to flip back and forth.

Me I am 10 days since he moved out. In this time I have felt relief and euphoria, anger, guilt, numbness , grief, anxiety, doubt. We've been labellimg this a trial separation, he assumes that seriously upping his game will change my mind. All.it has done is made things more painful and led to a sense of frustration that he keeps on intruding. He keeps emotionally blackmailing me essentially saying I am destroying what we have built. All very difficult to manage and I have had to set down clear boundaries and become hardened. Which will fuel his victim narrative.

Regarding who to tell - I have told my boss , and dc childcare on a need to know basis.

I have told my friends qho kbew anywat and see the day to day stress.

Couple friends of ours have been very devils advocate ish towards me. Like someone said (?shandy) down thread i have felt really invalidated and frustrated by this. Same as others where it has been attreibuted it variously to 'having a toddler/midlifecrisis/depressive episode'.

I have found the need to reassurance seek from those who seem to get me and have heard my daily battles of living with someone with ASD. And who understand that resentmemt over extreme shit things in.the past is valid and not just me wallowing in some kind of bitter grudge.

I have taken to a fag and a wine every night plus too much chocolate. Hitting the gym.2morrow before work though.

I have also done some extensive renovations. These were previously stymied by dp. It feels good.

My kids dont yet know.

Any thoughts on any of the above hratefully re eived.

Is it wrong that i miss his cuddles?

Gratefully and not hatefully received! Although hatefully received is a good freudian slip -how he took the news it seems.

Not wrong to miss his coddles.... I wasn't really cuddled by exDH.... He is childlike in so many ways....

There are so many stages to this process and I believe it's safer & more self-compassionate o not expect process to be linear

John Fisher authored a piece of work on personal transition. It's used a lot in change management. The fundamentals of it apply post- marriage - certainly for me.

Really worth a look xxx

www.practical-management-skills.com/change-management-theories.html

Shandy and Green - thanks for asking. Just been a roller coaster few weeks and I can't summon up the energy physically and mentally to end it. I am thinking of a long, term plan now as I will have extra income a year Sept which isn't an awfully long time away I guess. It's really bloody hard. So many guilty emotions and querying whether my gut is good or I'm making a rash decision.
Anyway. Life goes on. I'm just keeping busy doing my 'sport', seeing friends. Spending as little time as possible in his company. Like ships in the night. Sleeping with my DD although sofa last night as she has become really fidgety . I'm going to try and invest in a sofa bed.

Hope everyone's ok.

Sorry to hear iron, sounds like your mind is a bit in turmoil. I got a really good sofa bed on gumtree, figured he can take it with him as his sofa when he leaves!

Sept next year is a long time away. How old are your kids?

Welsh it sounds tough. Perhaps labelling it as a trial is making others doubt it & giving him hope and no finality in it? Even if you labelled it actual separation it may just make it more final and help move things on & you of course can still get back together if you wanted.

Where do the kids think he is?

Do you miss his cuddles or cuddles in general?

I'm not going to say - hot as from post 1 my info is identifying. Both under 6. Yeah my mind IS in turmoil but I've managed since DC1 was 6m old when I first threw him out to now. Guess I can do another year...

Yeah I did around 4 years, not easy but each year I've become surer it's the right thing

So far, so good in this new reasonable phase. But we'll see. We also have to get through a 2 wk holiday soon.
Have now told another friend who was also v supportive - made me feel better. I do think it is easier to say 'this is what's happening' as opposed to before saying 'I'm v unhappy and thinking of doing this' where some people seem to feel they have to try and talk you out of it/ you're being a bit mad/having midlife crisis etc.
welsh - I know what you mean about the emotional blackmail thing. In all conversations about splitting he seemed most concerned about how I am ruining his life and everything he has worked for than actually losing me and our relationship. I think now he has had some time to work out how to best deal with this financially he is feeling better maybe?!
Know what you mean about cuddles/physical affection generally. Miss it loads.
Iron - I know completely what you mean about questioning your gut or wondering if you're doing something absolutely mad - I was there for a v long time (and still am a bit). But now the decision is made I'm trying to just look forward to practicalities and not revisit the decision itself.
Hope everyone's doing ok this eve.

I know I've asked this before , but what have been your top 5 dealbreakers ladies/guys? Asking as a kind of motivational excercise as I find it shores me up and strengthens my resolve. And we can encourage each other onwards & upwars even if some like Iron are playing the long game out if neccessity.

Deep Green I'm glad things are slightly better. Still head burying here, to the point where I could scream but I need to keep a peaceful atmosphere.

Deal breakers for me have been no conversation, never cuddling/holding hands, not supporting me emotionally through an op (to the point did not ask how it went, come with me to a&e after a complication and left me on the sofa myself all night in agony waiting for transport), never initiating sex, never organising anything ever. I could go on......

Hot water well done for keeping it to 5. Sounds like affection reslly fizzled out - or was it never really there? That must ve been so hard. Cuddles are the one thing I'm missing - at least we had that. And i was the non initiator/rejector - down to underlying resentment and loss of feelings. And with the op - is that him.checking out or just an insensitive arse?

Yep i organised everything. I m not sure what was normal wrt organising. Assumed was wifework although lack of interest and input with DIY (including kids trampoline just not getting built for 7 months and overgrown with weeds) was one of many dealbreakers. Front garden an absolute embarassment despite me pleading to sort these things out. I could also go on! I would ve really liked a neal to have been cooked more than say 5 times in our 10 year relationship but it was a case of strategic incompetence (the incompetence thread on mn really resonated). Its hard to not become resentful and lose feelings.

And you are absolutely doing the right thing
How has your day been?

Oh yes deal breakers galore as above. Not asking after me, not noticing if I'm alive or dead or almost, not bothered if I'm upset or angry or wanting to make me happy. Any convo about issues resolves around his wants and happiness. I am so resolute tonight. Finally the trees have emerged from the woods. He can be so decent and nice to others but unfortunately I am only there as his appendage to keep him looking good and his kids confirming looking the part. Even after pleading with me to give him another chance he cannot show any initiative or compassion. I really do wonder why didn't I ever think, come on you deserve better. What a wasted 10 years, besides my gorgeous kids of course. And now I have to unraveling myself from the mesh of this family life. But I'm so looking forward to being on my own and independent. Good luck all.

Reasons aplenty.
No sex unless he wanted it
Ditto my effort & variation to attempt instigation
Wanted a wee wife - so not me.
Fundamentally lazy arsed
Not outwardly supportive of my career
Selfish pursuit of own agenda without regard to mine.
PA behaviours. Full Stop

No physical affection (altho like Welsh that's down to me because of underlying resentment issues).
Refusal to understand issues/problems that are important to me and do anything about them.
Making a conscious decision to not be around on a few occasions when I REALLY needed him (hence ongoing resentment)
Not listening to me - routinely walking off when I'm talking. Not remembering what I've said.
Feeling like we're not a collaborative unit but two completely separately operating individuals. Maybe some people need this kind of space in their relationship but I need more togetherness.
Always being the do-er/initiator. Just so tired of it.
General negativity/blame-y attitude/seeing the worst in things/people. Just grinds you down.

Thank you all for sharing.
Hell yes these are all such good reasons aren't they. I think thats the problem wirh just unsatisfyingwhich in my experience its like a steady drip drip but you keep telling yourself ah well thats ok becausw on x occasion he bought flowers/took me out/played with the kids. And everyone around says oh but he really loves you so muchbla bla! To hear all your reasons is really helpful, these are absolutely enough. My dp has AS so part of mine is a reaoisation.that despite dad/partner of the year certain things cannot change.

For the record mine are

1. Different core values and priorities. Him ; business/ hobby , me : dc & home life.
2. Resentment. Of the times hesimply wasn't there for me. I wanted to end it when he threatened to leave after dc 2 was born. He threatened to leave bc I asked his family to not visit that day (they already had met dc2) . After his family were displeased he slagged me off with them and told them i was a bitch.
3. Disloyalty and disregard of my feelings in.other such circumstances. Including failure to manage ex wife /not divorce for 10 yrs and have my back.
4. A failure to get me over all . Lack of empathy at times
5. In the past going on allnighters too often. At its worst when i was needimg him.ie pregnant or postpartum.
6. Disengagement from family life..not attending to kids ' developmental needs. Saying he never wanted them repeatedly.
7. His temper/meltdowns and constamt stress

8 . His refusal to shower regularly, wear different clothes at the weekend from work (think scruffy combats) and look after his fungal fingernails (covering them with dirty plasters and not bothering to attend expensive treatment I had booked for him This is so counter to who I am.

1. Me organising everything. Doing everything. Him.not bothering to cook more than once a year in.our 10 year relationship

10. His disorganisation and forgetfulness in the extreme. Hes also so so slowwww in.making any changes Not a doer. 11. His ocd around weaning and toilet training..not coping with mess etc.

Oops. I started writing but couldnt stop!

And his counteraegument is:

1. He gave me children and a home (guffaw seeing as I'm the main investor in both, emotionally practically
2. He loves me in.the extreme (true)
3. He will change (true - temporarily he has been dad and partner of the year is looking great and bothering with kids and home)
4. All the good times (but nothing changes that). He can do the overblown romantic gesture occasionally whisk me away or buy me jewellry or flowers. We do have some good memories with the kids.
5. We can be a happy family unit. (Sometimes possible and we stillcan be but not when also in a relationship).

No need to reply I am just writing this as a note to myself..

He has also accused me of being a bit h to him. Distant stonewalling rejecting and crutical. I say yes and I am sorry. So much of this is a response to ongoing resentment and hurt. I've just checked out. But its not right esp the last few months. We both deserve better

I know this is changing the subject but having a really low moment. All my friends are brilliant, listened to me going on & on & on, but ever feel you've overstepped the mark? Was reaching out this morning but they are both out doing happy family stuff and it just makes me feel so sad I don't have that. I hate I'm being needy & don't want to lose friends too. I'm alone all weekend (although was out with friend till 2am last night drinking water lol). Son is 15 so spends all time with friends and daughter going out with H and then away to GP tomorrow for 2 nights. Feeling sorry for myself.

Interesting reading all those dealbreakers - and how similar many of them are .

Hot - I'm with you - sorry to hear you're feeling down. Anything special you can do just for yourself this weekend to make yourself feel a bit better??

I'm also having a bit of a low for almost exactly the same reasons.
Was with a friend last night that I could unload to - she was great. But similar today - trying to make myself not text another friend about it all as don't want this to become all I ever talk about/seem needy.

I'd been feeling quite positive about how things are going but am also going into a bit of a low - I know this is going to be a lonely process full of ups and downs.

On a slightly different note - I think it's going to be a while (a few months) before we get another place. We have agreed we are separated but living together. Do people generally wait until one is about to move out to tell the DCs? Just wondering how I'm going to keep up the pretence with them and friends generally (apart from close friends) for that long.
My eldest DC is pretty perceptive and is already asking questions about why we are in separate rooms, why we're not doing things together, and when we went away - 'do you miss daddy???' Have managed to gloss over things but not sure if that's the right approach.

Can't really think of anything other than watching back to back episodes of Orange is the new blacks new season! Guess I don't often have that opportunity. I can't even eat rubbish as don't want to blow my diet which is going really well.

Glad you understand deep, it's exactly how I feel. I do not want to turn into the broken record friend :/

We are telling the DCs as feel they must notice things, sleeping apart. To be honest as I did virtually nothing with my H they not noticed anything different about doing things together. I also think it's gives them time to process before he moves out so its not a shock. As soon as they know as far as I'm concerned it's official and the world can know.

At least we've all got each other - no need to worry about overstepping the mark here, vent whenever you need to hot .

Made it through another weekend. Huge argument Saturday morning about sleeping arrangements. Relying whey too much on alcohol at the moment. Just helps me gloss over everything but it's not helping matters.
Hope you're all ok