Thread for those who have left marriages that weren't AWFUL, just unsatisfying (pt. II)

[All0vertheplace]

The last thread reached 1,000 posts (!) so here's where we can keep the discussion going. Cake and flowers to all.

Misswhattodo2, I cld have written ur post. I feel exactly the same about my dh..I have had the serious discussion several times now, here agrees to be one today move, then pretends it's not happening.. Gets angry and says it's my problem. Wen I brought up a potential hse for him today he said it was too expensive and why shld he move...umm, because I'm main carer for our 3dds and this is their home.? I'm getting fed up with the tense atmosphere, sharing a bed, and worryingly eldest dd isn't getting stressed ( he is good with dds)a fact he is aware of yet will not discuss with me...it all secret conversation in those house and I've had enough. I'm telling kids wot situ is and it's in open from Monday. I, like you cannot live rest of my life like this...

www.purpleclover.com/relationships/1317-divorce/

@tinglyfying
Thank you!
the quote:
The hole in your soul is not shaped like a new boyfriend or a lipstick or even a bottle of wine. It’s shaped like you.

Will resonate for me.

Misswhattodo. Like Hurley I could have written what you said. Like you I've been given that offer of carrying on like we are in separate beds, separate lives but to everyone outside happily married. It makes me feel I'm living with a grandfather who goes to work, occasionally does something around the house, barks at the kids and then sleeps in front of the tele.
No thanks. 6 months we've clung on like this but no I can't take that anymore.
In a way Miss and Hurley I wish we could have a male perspective to know why this attitude is prevalent in dhs.
I guess when I know I can write a book.

well I had the hard talk last night, I spent months working out how to say it and STBXH's response was 'the balls in your court'.. well gee thanks. most he could say was he'd support me if i stayed. Well he hasn't been lately and has even been going behind my back to change parenting decisions we've made with DD2.

So, it's out there, just to make it happen now. i viewed a flat yesterday and am going to apply tomorrow - need to be reference checked - not sure how that will work with the council yet, but work is easy.

If that doesn't work out there is a bigger house in the offering too with a landlord I know - I just figured the flat would be better for needing less in it and it's done up to a nice standard, just little.

I can relate for sure, also fell pregnant early into our living together, we got married 18 months later.

It's an old adage of living with that bed, well we have done that and tried, times have changed and we're allowed to make this decision for ourselves.

((hugs))

I'm in the same boat on finances and now i've said the words physcial tidying of affairs is going on too. Though in honesty i cleared through my clothes a couple of months ago with this in the back of my head, I think I still need to clear more and be brutal as am now looking at a smaller place.

I am the one doing the leaving, the kids don't know yet, but I am renting 2 bed flat, if that doesn't work out then it'll be 3 beds. 2 beds will mean a sofa bed for me if we're all there, but it'll be cosy and we can make it fun.

We'll cope and things will get better.

Misswhattodo - like Hurley and Shandy, i could have written your post too.

Relate to all of your posts
Hi GingerCat and welcome and to anyone else I may have missed.

I can't afford a 2 bed around here. I have been playing the lottery obsessively.

He is getting really arsey about money when it is clear that I am buying much more than him. If someone offered me a flat right now I would move me and the kids this moment. It would be a fucking adventure as I am so tired of pretending we are a 'happy' 2.4 family.

GingerCat - "you've made your bed so lie in it" is something I have dealt with for a few months. After time, friends and family don't ask. They presume that everything has gone back to normal.

I am so angry and fed up. He left his filthy bottom bedside draw half open with condoms in (new and old) like some kind of signal - like the folded pants. The kids can see the draw but I have deliberately left it open as if I haven't noticed.

He also left a song on in the car - A Violent Noise by the XX

You've been staying out late
Trying your best to escape
I hope you find what you're looking for
Let a moment take place
Without running away
I hope you silence the noise

All extremely 'awkward' and bloody difficult.

Sorry that link has managed to stay embedded not intentional - just links to someone's review of that verse

Can I come over and join you please?
I've posted in Relationships a little about my marriage and being so confused.
Before Christmas it was because i had reached the end of the line. Married 5 years but together 20 years. I was being taken totally for granted and treated like the unpaid helper.
We haven't had a great relationship in a long time and I now don't even know the last time we had sex.
But then over Christmas he changed and started to be softer towards me. This has increased as the days have gone by. Being much more involved with our DC (6&4), being far more attentive towards me, doing jobs in the house without being asked etc. He did nothing like this before.
The problem is when he was being neglectful I had a perfect reason to call an end to it. I'd come to a decision in my mind and have a solicitors appointment booked to find out where I stand.
But now, now he's being the best he has in years. I don't feel i have a reason anymore and that I would be totally selfish to break up the family.
I'm trying to hold back tears tonight as I feel trapped. So totally trapped.
I don't love him anymore as he eroded that over a long time. I don't think I can get that feeling back either.
When I was happy in my decision I was imaging life by myself and feeling happy and excited. Now that seems to be taken away.

Hi Merry. Hand holding you. It is a very long process it seems with something I call 'the pendulum effect' of too-ing and fro-ing not sure if; you're strong enough - because everything is 'ok'. Getting your ducks in order. It all takes time..

Stick with us - you can do this

Thank you Iron.
I'm not sure if I should just be putting my feelings to one side for the benefit of everyone else.
Apart from the love aspect everything is okay. Can I live without that? Can a relationship work with me loving him? With intimacy?

Hello new posters, again I'm amazed so many women in same boat...it's horrible feeling trapped in a relationship where you don't love him anymore, staying out of concern for kids...it can't be good for health long term. Well in my case things are progressing, he's looking at a hse this week, dds all know exactly what is happening... But he still says he doesn't understand whatever he's done wrong and is slagging me of to eldest dd! He still has half his head in sand. I'm cautiously optimistic... Money shld be fine if tax credits come thru as I expect..got to handle his families reaction next.
Hugs and strength to u all...do what you have to to make sure you and your kids are happy... Don't tiptoe round a man, I'll never live with another man again!

All sound positive Hurley.

I am feeling at wits end with lack of discussion. Phoning me in work to see if I needed any dinner. I can't handle it.

Hi....
I have read this thread with fascination - I am amazed so many of us are in the same situation.
I have been with my DH for 13 years, married for 9, and he's a lovely man. He adores me, our DS (4) and our life and works really hard, we don't argue or bicker and on the surface we look great.

But, the spark has gone. We have not had sex in over 5 years, we sleep in separate bedrooms (and say it's due to his snoring), he irritates me all the time for silly reasons and I am finding I have less and less respect for him.

I think it stemmed from when he started to have issues with anxiety. I realise this sounds horribly unsupportive but I was on the surface but in reality I found it hard to understand (it's basically stemmed from his parents, they have an innate ability to fret over things constantly and worry what people think all the time.) I think this is what triggered me finding him unattractive, he was starting to remind me of his mother!

The thing is, the idea of leaving him fills me with dread (many of those reasons are financial) It would absolutely devastate him (I suspect he knows things aren't right, he is constantly telling me how much he loves me etc) and it could be very difficult with DS too. We have just moved into a huge house that is being renovating so selling it would not be possible for ages and, not deliberately, I have not worked properly since I had DS (I was very ill for a while after and then DH got a new job and his income shot up so it's not been necessary, plus I have lost old contacts and have been out of the game so long that it is close to impossible to get freelance work.)

I find the idea of being on my own increasingly appealing in some ways but then think about it properly and realise how tough it could be. And I am not leaving anything bad, I am actually leaving a man who adores me and a beautiful house, and easy existence.

Argh!

Hi Merry, Hope you can recover your motivation and remember what drove it if that's the route you choose.

Hurley - a lovely positive update. Hope the family are supportive.

Hi Angry. Welcome. I get your post. And wow I have been whinging about not dtd since June! Do you just not want to? I do see. Makes me feel completely unattractive and at my age I want more. The house and everything is just material I guess.

We are all at different stages on this thread but have the one thing in common - dissatisfied and the spark has gone...

Hi Iron
I suppose I would want to, but not with DH. When we first got together we were at it all the time but it seemed to trail off around year 4/5 to far less regular. As I said in the first post, I think the catalyst was the anxiety business and how it reminded me of his mother. I occasionally snog him but, god this sounds like I'm 17, only if I'm drunk!

It's interesting that the men in denial just keep on repeating same thing, meanwhile we seem to desperately try to make them understand where we are coming from whilst feeling guilty. I don't think there's been one expression of guilt from the men's side mentioned (I may be wrong) but it takes two to get to this stage in any relationship... I now think they wld continue in this denial 'its your problem ' vein forever. It took until I declared that I would look at house for myself and kids then he changed the tune. Taking action by looking at houses, telling friends and family etc puts you in the driving seat..
Apparently my stbxh told my dd that I didn't mean it as I was sleeping in same bed...this was last week, after 4 months of trying to talk to him /telling him it was over. Hope this house is good tonight!

Good luck with the house Hurley hope it's good enough for the time being at least.

It's interesting also I agree about the denial, my husband is certainly in the 'tell me what i've done wrong' seat, he wanted one answer, he got tears and a pouring of answers from me last night. our 3 DD's noticed, even selfish middle DD asked me today what went on last night and if I was ok as i'd been crying.

I've come home from work - shattered still emotionally and feeling a bit vertigo-ish. He's done some tidying (finally - for a SAHD / part time student he does very little and I hoovered the entire house before work this morning), and cleared a window ledge I had mentioned yesterday - he sold a keyboard that used to live on it - but was filling it with 'stuff' when I said about keeping it clear to keep the room looking a bit tidier he had informed me he was 'entittled to keep his stuff somewhere'.. yesterday I pointed out our room is like a shed / storage unit as it's so full of his 'stuff' that he has to keep somewhere.

I don't think this'll last - we're 20 years together this year (17 married) and to be honest he doesn't 'see' the mess in day to day life. it's just with everything else on a personal level and it getting worse over the years as he collects music related 'stuff' (think any swear word related to hoarding here as it's what I'm thinking) it's getting to me. I don't have a lot and feel i'm fire fighting along with keeping house while working 30 odd hours a week.

Sorry for the moan. I'm struggling tonight not to feel guilty at the fact this separation will be at my instigation and he's suggested he won't cope on his own without me as a SAHD with me having 50/50 custody and that he should leave.. his answer was a 1 bedroom rented house type situation about 15 miles away - i told him he had to grow up and realise he still has 3 daughters who will want to see him and all his STUFF would have to go somewhere.. If I stay here with the girls no WAY am I keeping it.

So true Hurley! I bit the bullet last night and told him I have made an appointment with a solicitor. This has definitely made him take me seriously now and said he couldn't believe I had been so underhand by making an appointment! Like we were supposed to discuss it first and ask his opinion?! I told him that there was no point talking anymore. We are both on different pages and want different things and there is nowhere where we will be able to agree.

I explained that me taking up a hobby or getting our kitchen redone is not going to change how I feel and that we need to act like adults to discuss how we move forward and deal with this. He continued to tell me I was selfish, uncaring and didn't give a shit about anything or anyone but myself so in the end I just agreed. He then says I'm not taking it seriously but I replied there was not point in me arguing the point anymore. If that's what he thinks then so be it. I'm just tired of feeling like this

Miss What to do - sounds very like my husbands response to it all. :( Hope the solicitor appointment goes well for you and the future you carve out is bright.

Glad to have stumbled on this thread. We've been married 15 years and have three kids. Two have Sen so some years ago I had to give up work as he wouldn't have coped.

The issue is I find him selfish. He doesn't find himself selfish. In his mind we come first in my mind I feel me and the kids come below his job (he's never home to ever help with bedtime despite me asking if he could try at least once in the working week, but can leave on time for his hobby), he is quite controlling around money (all savings are in his name and he's quite tight on what is spent), he can easily make time for himself, he doesn't notice any mess in the house or really feel at weekends needs to do much (he's clean a bathroom three times in 15 years). He takes literally no interest in their education despite one really struggling in his particular area. I don't expect loads when he's at work but mainly I feel hugely under supported emotionally around the kids Sen (I want him to be interested in their therapies, talks we could go to etc when he shows huge amounts of interest in fantastic fucking football). I've told him this calmly and seriously four or so times. Also I told him how much I could get in benefits if we split (I hoped that he'd be shocked I'd looked and would take me more seriously). I feel alone and incredibly disconnected from him. We have very little in common, he's quite a narcissist, my mum also says his bad points can outweigh his good, whether with the kids he's out of his depth I don't know. I was his first serious relationship as he persuaded me after I came out of a long term relationship. He's unadventurous in life. And a bit of a lazy man child. I'm exhausted. Our anniversary, my birthday and Christmas all fell in the same month and he brought me nothing (and didn't seem bothered - the kids were upset he hadn't let them buy anything). He wonders why we don't have sex (I'm so resentful and angry and he falls asleep on the sofa every night). I can't imagine this being my life for however long. But I genuinely don't know how we'd manage financially and I have a feeling he would be a horrible and aggressive arsehole (previous behaviour). I'm not sure he'd leave. I feel like an unappreciated slave and when I tell him this I'm met with "Why don't you like me anymore?". His mum was awful to me (ignoring me, buying dh presents and not me) for years and he said nothing so I can only conclude from that is he thinks how his mum treated me was how women should be treated or he really didn't care.

But can I do it on my own? Could we financially manage? Could I start again? I don't want to spend my life alone but can't imagine anyone would want me.