Thread for those who have left marriages that weren't AWFUL, just unsatisfying (pt. II)

[All0vertheplace]

The last thread reached 1,000 posts (!) so here's where we can keep the discussion going. Cake and flowers to all.

Welcome mulberry. Wow. You sound very down. Is there any chance you can try counselling for yourself before you try couple counselling to gather your strength and give you some perspective.
I'm not a big fan of couple counselling. I've tried it and just felt very unsatisfactory but then dh and I have been round the mulberry bush ourselves in terms of arguments.
My counsellor concluded we both had communication difficulties and different perspectives. You don't say. It was slightly more civilised than at home but we managed just as well saying right your turn to speak, I'll give you 5 minutes.
I can't believe Wednesay I was brutally honest and straight that this was the end of the relationship, there was nothing dh was capable of doing to change things. But here I am he said wait until the holidays we'll spend some time together. And I half agreed because I said well I had nowhere to go straight away. Oh what s dismal state of affairs. It was like I'd never threatened to leave before. He said he thinks about our relationship all the time, I wonder what that would be cos he still hadn't realised that I meant it that i was really unhappy. What's next? Finding a way out!

Thank you shandybass I swing between being very low to feeling on a high when I'm with him, (we also work together) but he's been a horrible human for the past 8 months and I don't know how I could make peace with what he's done and move forward.
I can't get over how many of us there are in this situation. At a time in our lives, generalising massively here, that we should be living to the fullest, enjoying the kids growing up etc. yet I can only really confidently say that I know of two couples in our friendship group that truly have an awesome equal happy relationship.
Shandybass I have only read your most recent posts sorry. Do you have to move out or is your house jointly owned ? Take it step by step, if feels like such a massive hurdle but if you truly see no future you have to get out!

Hello everyone I feel like I belong here. Recently left a 12 year relationship where we were friends but not lovers. It took some dramatic events for me to end it but now like mulberry I am hankering to go back. Sometimes I think no sex is a small price to pay for a life with my best friend and seeing dd every day. Then I remember how low we both got and think I can't go back to that again, despite how unhappy I am now. I'm completely sunk financially unless we sell the flat, but thought of selling the flat terrifies me as it really is burning our bridges. I still feel stuck in limbo just from the other side now! Best wishes to all.

Hi mulberry and regretful. Your reasons are some of why I'm still in my marriage but want to get out ax well. I really don't want to have to be without dcs but of course I want them to still have a relationship with dh and do things with him. And yet I know now I can't forgive dh or expect any change from hi and so my fate seems sealed and hopeless.
I can't stay here mulberry this is very much his home and his family neighbourhood. I was hoping for a gift which would have enabled me to set up a home close by but that's not materialised and now I would have to move further and rent a not so nice place. It sounds selfish but I wanted to make things nice for dcs. I don't want the. To have to suffer coming to me in a grotty place while me and dh have a messy divorce.
I just feel trapped now. Dh is being nicer since the'I'm done' conversation, but I'm petrified that thats it, I'm stuck again for a year or more until I find the strength again.
Mulberry if you really are best friends and there's highs as well I think you have a hope, the unforgiving thing may be a factor though.
Regretful is it just a case of adjusting to your new situation and letting go of the past. Or if again he's your best friend with no sex that may come and if you can live with it it may be worth talking about. Perhaps with your new slightly apart perspective.
One thing you said about these being what should be the best times struck a cord as I have often felt that dh doesn't show his love for dcs and I look at them sometimes and think could you be any sweeter and lovelier and he doesn't see it. It's his personality you say but if you would see him with his dog you would say no as he shows genuine love and adoration to the dog.

I got well fortified with last night and told him. Apparently when I said "I'm leaving you" he heard "This is your last chance". Now I am having to deal with him putting on a "husband/father-of-the-year" performance (while still being totally blind to things like the washing up). I've been catching myself checking where he is before moving around the house. I'm not used to him being in my space, which is where he seems to feel that he needs to be at the moment.

I know I'm not alone in this - others made similar comments in the original thread. It's very, very frustrating though. On the bright side I won't have to deal with it for long, as I have a lease on a house that I can move into in a couple of weeks. Freedom is just around the corner.

He's declaring his love and being calm and reasonable at this point. It looks like I might have an easier time through this than some of you. Strength to all

(Has anyone heard from gruffalo?)

How is everyone. All quiet here. Allover how's things going on the new chapter of your life? Mulberry and regretful I hear you but feel I wish I was where you are. Josian doesn't it make you feel a bit mad as in crazy that what you say and what they interpret are different things. I've said I've had it with trying this is the end for me, he said let's try again but with no change or plan and so we go on. . .

Iron you ok come chinwag with me.

New chapter going mainly OK, although has its share of ups and downs. Kids are with me this week, which is pretty heavenly. I also have a couple of potential (low-level) romantic situations developing. Just to be clear, I am not setting out to start a new relationship in my current state not really there yet, and the women in question know that but this would be more under the heading of 'post breakup fling' and all parties seem fine with that. Mainly it's just nice to feel desire, and desired, and to reconnect with parts of my brain that may have been lying dormant in the waning months of the marriage. Financial side still worrying, but I am confident that it will sort itself out.

I'm leaving DH tomorrow

That's great to hear Allover. Take it easy on yourself it's a period of huge adjustment.
Fed up I hope you're ok. If you want handholding were here for you.

I haven't left yet. I dunno what to do.

I think I was meant to find this thread and the earlier one again. I posted about 3 months ago on the other thread and DH ended up leaving for a night or two. We had a talk(again) and agreed to try again(again!) because I again chickened out of saying what I really feel And today we are back at this point again! DH is telling me I'm mad, I need help, I won't be able to parent our children properly on my own and he's going to talk to my family about me as I'm obviously ill The reality is I am on AD's but have never felt clearer about things, I stay in my room most of the weekend because I can't bear to even look at him and if he was so worried about me then why isn't he trying to help and support me instead of making my life hell. Also I am the primary carer, doctor bringer, school dealer, night waker with sick kids-he wouldn't have a clue how to manage the kids on his own. His idea of being a great dad is bringing them to the pub to watch a match, filling them with junk and then ringing me to collect them as he is staying out! His wanting to tell my family about me really gets my goat because one of his major faults is wanting to be liked by everyone and being seen as the great lad and he just wants to get his version in first. Added to this my dad has only recently been diagnosed with cancer and my mam really does not need to be hearing about my marriage problems....I'll flip if he contacts her about it. He has been no support to me whatsoever with my upset over my dad-I am extremely close to all of my family and I have been so worried about it all..,,but all I get is I'm mad:( I want him out and I think it's going to happen this time.

We have our first ever family holiday abroad booked at the end of the month and I was willing to hold off until after but no he's not going as I can't have my cake and eat it!! He just doesn't get it! I couldn't care less if he came but the children will be devestated-esp my DS1 who idolises him...but this is what I am dealing with -a childish refusal to talk and denial of any responsibility for this mess. This would have bothered me so much before-being blamed for it all but now I don't care-I'll make sure the people I care about know my side.

Anyway breathe and sorry for the epic rant-I feel better after getting this all out:) I'll keep posting here for counselling as its great-although I am sad so many of us are in the same boat

Hello again. Posted on previous thread when i a crap stage of the relationship cycle. Spent 2 months rrting to convince self we could play happy families
Now I'm feeling acutely aware once more of how unhappy we are. Constant bickering. Dp threw a plate (with his dinner) in.the bin the other night. He calls me an abuser, sees things in a totally black and white way and will not accept any responsibility. So i'm reopening the pandoras box of leaving as an option. Again.anyone else get these waves of clarity followed by complete denial?!

Welsh that's exactly where I am too-opening the Pandora's box again:( I don't think I can do the denial anymore. I have never spoken to anyone in RL about this and I think if I do it will make it real and make me push on...I don't know

And your Dp throwing his dinner shows he is feeling bad too -even if it's just frustration that you are not being happy with him etc

Thanks Zola. I've had a laughter filled and rare weekend away with friends. My heart sank at the thought of returning to him.A couple of RL friends know. It s been a dpuble edged sword. I mean it s not a straightforward lineae thing; its back and forth constant cognitive dissonance

Hi all.

I was just writing out a post about this. I have a wonderful DH and two beautiful DC with him. Our marriage is OK. There is nothing wrong at all and no "excuse" to leave so to speak. I love him, but I don't want to be with him anymore. How is that even possible?

It's strange. When I imagine my life without him it is incredibly hard, but only because if I leave he will be distraught. I don't want to hurt him.

There are so many complexities involved if we did split. We have built a life together, and have done some things recently to continue to build on it that make this so much more difficult.

I keep wishing he would do something wrong so I could just go. That's not right at all, is it?

I haven't read the thread(s) yet, but will go back. How do you leave someone who is so devoted to you?

Secretly - what is it making you uneasy in your relationship? Have you looked at any other reasons for your dissatisfaction?

I ask this because its something I did and yes, I was caught up in grieving a dreadful relationship with my mother as well as financial issues and a bullying situation at work - gosh I sound so passive

Anyway - I had to work out my feelings towards exDH as independently as possible - I posted a few times on here to try and gauge whether my experiences were normal/acceptable. That helped immensely.

It's been so hard and we're working to be as amicable as possible -I have been so hurt, disappointed over the years. I still get the odd 'what if' moment. However I keep reminding myself that I left him for valid and strong reasons, that I didn't make the decision lightly and to go back would be madness.

Yes I am lonely, yes I worry for the future but somehow the worry isn't as all-encompassing as the constant anxiety and stress living under the same roof, sharing a bed (boke).

Yes I'm rambling - hope that has helped in some way....

Thats how i feel secretly
At the moment back to partner of the year. I'm looking for any exvuse for him to go irmjust being an arse to him. I don't like myself right now. I just want to live stress free too. Good point about other issues getting caught up too. Sitting down to have yet another talk tonight and trying to do some maths now.

Talk didnt hapoen last night. Did what I do best - avoid (either by sleeping gym drinking or going out. Last night he returned with fizz. I slept. ) My health visitor came out today. Knows me well. Laid it on.the line that this limbo and arguing is emotionally damaging the kids. Encouraged me to imagine life with kids un restrained. Where we could be ourselves. Gently reminded me that at aged 2 and 5 now probably is the best time. Maths us adding up fine as I can afford the house. Feeling resolved. I'm going to tell him tonight.

Welsh I can't bear to start looking at the finance side of things. I have no idea where we will live if I split (Me and the DC). It's easy for me to say this, but find the strength to do it perhaps you will inspire me to take that step, too.

I just asked him on the phone about getting a place of his own for 'a few months'. But we both know what that means. He was ok with it calm and accepting. I've said I'm tired of analysis and arguing. Desperately need sustained time alone
Watch this space.

Hello everyone. I'm telling my mum tonight that I've moved out (it's been 10 weeks and I keep losing my nerve!). Telling her makes it all so much more real. Dd was crying tonight to go back to daddy's home (our old home) and I was very tempted just to up sticks and go there. I know I need to give it time but it's tough!!!

How are we all doing?
Remember; one day at a time, one step at a time.
Try very hard not to project too far into the future and be kind to yourselves!!