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Original poster

Thread for those who have left marriages that weren't AWFUL, just unsatisfying (pt. II)

999 replies

All0vertheplace · 22/06/2016 09:11

The last thread reached 1,000 posts (!) so here's where we can keep the discussion going. Cake and flowers to all.

OP posts:
IronNeonClasp · 01/01/2017 14:39

Would love to hear your story Choke?

justanotherusername0 · 01/01/2017 14:47

In this position and SAHM. We aren't happen. One kid. What do I do? What steps do I take?

justanotherusername0 · 01/01/2017 14:53

Happy*

IronNeonClasp · 01/01/2017 14:55

Hi justanother. Is this of any use to you? How do SAHPs live/support themselves financially if they split?
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2816466-How-do-SAHPs-live-support-themselves-financially-if-they-split

ArabellaArmstrong · 01/01/2017 15:15

Justanother, I was in the same position and could've kicked myself for making the decision to be a SAHP as I really felt trapped and couldn't see a way out without uprooting the kids and suffering financial hardship.

I have spent the last couple of years getting my career back on track and whilst I'm still a couple of positions below where I was before I became a parent I'm on the right track and earning an average salary. I'm still not in a financial position to make the break and feel very much in limbo at the moment but I now have options and choices available to me within the next couple of years that I didn't have when I was a SAHP.

Would you like to go back to work and is it practical for you to do so?

Ratbagcatbag · 01/01/2017 23:12

Spam you sound exactly like me. I told dh 3 weeks ago it's over. I've sobbed buckets (still am), he's devastated. But I just don't feel that way about him any more.

I'm terrified I'm making the wrong decision though, I hate this so much. :(

IronNeonClasp · 02/01/2017 00:07

Extremely mundane day. Extremely polite.

Urgh. Sad

Samsbakery · 02/01/2017 14:09

Same here iron.
Soul destroying.

IronNeonClasp · 02/01/2017 17:46

Well. Been to see my best mate today - we've known each other 25 years. She's amazing.
She asked me to list positives / negatives with her about him. I had 1 positive and struggled to think of any others. There were way too many negatives. Sad It's all very sad.

We agreed that I am extremely unhappy, deserve more and I should go and see a solicitor. Which is what I will try and do this week.

Anyone else a couple of weeks ahead of me with DC?

Hotwaterbottle1 · 02/01/2017 19:32

I'm a few months ahead Iron

IronNeonClasp · 02/01/2017 19:41

How are you fairing HotWater?

I am terrified. Main earner, loads of debt, house in negative equity. Not enough to rent 2 homes. I will generate additional income in Sept but want out as soon as possible Sad

Hotwaterbottle1 · 02/01/2017 22:30

Scared too, he earns double what I do. Both average wages. A lot of equity in house but not enough to buy 2 suitable places. Also a fair bit of debt. However, no way I could go on living like this. I'm willing to take the leap as I won't be unhappy the rest of my life.

QueSera · 02/01/2017 23:59

Hi all - im having a really tough time - i think we agreed (without speaking about it) to park everything for the holidays, to make it nice for DC. Who knows what will happen now.

I am terrified on the financial front. Ive been sahm, so unemployed, not much earning potential at the best of times.

But more than that, i am utterly heartbroken. I love him so much, he is so amazing. Iron your list is so sad with only one positive :(((( But my list would be reams of positives - with only one negative, that i have come to feel more like siblings/best friends and i cant feel anything physical anymore :((((( If anyone can relate please let me know because im really suffering (so is he) thanks x

shandybass · 03/01/2017 00:34

Que can you take a step back. It sounds like you're torturing yourselves. Maybe the physical side has gone for a bit. Talk to each other, explain, see if you can still love each other and be each other's best friend and whether that is enough for now.

Adory · 03/01/2017 08:42

One of the hardest things for me, when leaving my XH who had become a bit of a Best friend/Son/Brother to me for 7 years out of 11 together was the fact that some of his family members severed ties with me. Extremely upsetting since they had been so close the whole time and before (as school friends). Some people just will not accept that all had been done to rekindle the feelings once felt, and now if I happen to run into them they act as though there's a bad smell and leave! Even though my XH and I are still (and I imagine will always be on good terms). Towards the end of the relationship (when I knew the time was coming to end it) I distanced myself from everyone associated with my XH as I felt like a fraud, a liar. But I was always pleasant etc, I just avoided where possible. I never expected the cruelty that I was dealt though.
Thankfully most people could appreciate the difficulties in my decision where home, money, emotions were concerned and were supportive, but be prepared for those who stab you in the back too! I had offered to be surrogate for the people who were the worst offenders, and I even let them know that I would still offer this but they treated me as though I was the wicked witch of the west for leaving my husband (who thankfully quickly met someone else and now has children, something I have not managed yet!).

Mumandsome78 · 03/01/2017 11:43

Hi all, I'm coming up to one year since I did this. We just had our first Christmas under the new 'arrangement' and I have to say it went well and kids were happy and settled mostly. Just awaiting decree nisi. It felt like the worst thing for a while, but I am glad I did it, and whilst lonely as I am a single mum, and haven't yet managed to find a new relationship, he has moved on and is happy. I am happy to share my story if it helps. I am also finding the hardest bit the whole dating game. Because I left due to lack of 'those kind' of feelings I am now of course craving them. This is making me put a high value on finding someone new and it's a pain in the arse - because everything else is going dare I say it, well. Wishing you all peace and comfort through this difficult time. I'm by the way a lifelong MN lurker of 10 years..only recently brave enough to post :-)

Spam2016 · 03/01/2017 13:35

Hello mum

Would love to hear your story

Had an awful new year eve
My Dh basically said I need to decide if I want him or not
I still love him it's just acase whether
I can have sex with him Confused

I am seeing a counsellor (again) but will go on my own
It's such turmoil whether it's worth splitting up a family and wonderful home for sex ....

Not sure if I have just lost my way (although tbh have had doubts for years)

Would love to hear from you

QueSera · 03/01/2017 13:45

Spam im in the exact same situation as you. It's horrible. If you get any good advice or insights please do share. Wishing you strength Flowers

Spam2016 · 03/01/2017 13:54

thank you*que

I am so up and down very emotionally wearing

I am at the stage of not wanting to risk losing what I have but in couple of months time is the sexual feelings don't appear as such I think it's game over

I do need to try and re connect with him

Let me know how things go for you Flowers

IronNeonClasp · 03/01/2017 19:25

Have I not mentioned that he has withheld sex since June? And that I have not initiated to see if he would? And I have put up with all the other shit that's been put on me? I am not stating I am an angel - I will give as good as I get.

This all comes down to money now which is extremely sad.

Just found out a school Mum has moved out from what I thought was a solid marriage. Perhaps I can talk to her....

Adory · 03/01/2017 20:44

Iron do you still have sexual feelings towards your husband? If so I find that positive, most of the posts I've read through (though admittedly not read them all!) are of opposing feelings.

IronNeonClasp · 04/01/2017 08:26

Adore. Not since he told me I was turning in to a 'butch lesbian' in Sept and when I realised our sex life was crap.. Sad

IronNeonClasp · 04/01/2017 08:27

Sorry typos (phone) Adory !!

Hurleygirl123 · 04/01/2017 09:57

Que you're sound so down..hope you are coping, whole thing so horrible isn't it. I spoke to him again yesterday about arrangements, he is hurt angry and still thinking we should try again, but I can't just produce feelings that I don't have for him. Been to look at hse for him...or me and dds if he won't agree to move..I am trying to keep it amicable for dds sakes, but he's getting angry with situation.. Can't blame him but it won't help matters.

user1479305498 · 04/01/2017 10:41

I so empathise with those on here who feel the way they do about sex with DH , I can think of way more positives than negatives but it doesnt get round the issue that I just no longer want a physical relatiionship very often at all. Ive felt this way for 14 years (out of 20) and thats a long time to make excuses. Its my second marriage and was a problem in the first one too. The big issue is whilst its not an issue for me, it is for my DH . enough to make him develop a crush on a 21 year old years ago who worked with us, write songs for her and record them (and I recently found all the lyrics), full of longing and needing to reawaken senses etc. I did have an inkling as a lot of text messaging going on at the time too and he lost weight, smartened up etc. He says it was all totally in his head , she knew none of it , he doesnt know why he did it other than his mum was dying and I seemed disinterested . Problem is I now cant get the fact he did it out my head! and am finding it hard to forgive and move on. Councilling for me I think in next few weeks!!

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