Thread for those who have left marriages that weren't AWFUL, just unsatisfying (pt. II)

[All0vertheplace]

The last thread reached 1,000 posts (!) so here's where we can keep the discussion going. Cake and flowers to all.

Well we had the conversation last night, told him I definitely want to separate, he just seemed despondent, asking, so you don't fancy me anymore? What have I done wrong?
I feel like absolute shit, he's done absolutely nothing wrong, am I being selfish wanting something more when he really is a great guy but I feel no sexual feelings towards him at all?
He got out of bed at 3 and slept or tried to sleep on the couch, has said to me this morning just give me another chance let me make it up to you.
This is awful, I love him so much but I know for sure I cannot be intimate with him again, it's just impossible.
We definitely cannot separate til the summer after our daughter sits her alevels because I cannot drop this on her before then and coincidentally our finances will improve considerably in the summer too.
Do I suppose we'll have to live in this limbo until then.
I do feel better having told him that I 100%want to split.

I can understand those 'am I being selfish' feelings. To some extent, yes probably but why shouldn't you?! I thought of my parents and how much they'd sacrificed and how much effort it is to bring a child up to be a good person (me!) and I owe it to them and myself to try to be the happiest I can be otherwise what's all this for? I certainly wouldn't want any child of mine to grin and bear life. I certainly wouldn't want any parent of mine to either, or friend. Anyone who does anything to make themselves happy are normally being a bit selfish, good for them. It's not as though it's a fleeting thought, you've felt this way for years.

All I know is that at first my XH played the victim card but now he admits it's the best thing I could of done for him.

In the words of Dumbledore 'Dark and difficult times lay ahead. Soon we must all face the choice between what is right, and what is easy.'

This is my first post on Mumsnet, I've been lurking on this thread for a year now.

I know in my heart that I have to end my marriage and I'm slowly taking measures that will make it more practical to do so. For various reasons it will not be possible to separate for almost another 2 years and this makes me feel like a "cheat" can anyone else relate to this? I'm living a lie.

Christmas this year has been a wake-up call. Dh's controlling behaviour has reached an all time high but he feels the problem is me and not him. The last few Christmases have been sad as we have had family bereavements. This was the first year where I feel that I have come to terms with the losses but I felt so sad this year as I also came to the realisation that I am no longer in love with dh. I think I probably realised that years ago but now I'm out of the brain fog of raising small children and coming to terms with my losses I think I want more if that makes sense? I don't want a half marriage with a partner who doesn't understand me. I have no idea who I am but I know that whilst I continue in this marriage I will continue to be the fake diluted version of me and surely this can't be right?

I think most people on this thread can understand exactly what you mean. I'm staggered to find so many people who feel exactly like I felt!! I wish id known about this place years ago, I wouldn't of felt so terribly lonely

sam I am so with you how awful it feels
My dh was similar with his responses and just doesn't understand it , I just wish he felt the same
I have said I will go to counselling (again) just maybe I can get through this
I look at him and it breaks my heart what I am doing to him and what ultimately may happen to our life, him and the kids if we do split

sam do you mind me asking how long you have felt like this ?
Think I have buried the feelings for years
I actually don't worry about being single etc but worry what I would do to him and the kids
Just not sure I can do it
So wish I wasn't in this situation

chokehold thank you for your posts they are so honest and true

Hang in there sam x

It constantly amazes me how many people are in same situation, and it is a comfort to have it confirmed that I'm not going mad, or being unreasonable. I know it is almost unbearably sad to initiate this separation but it is really good to hear about Xh who then admitted it was for everyone's benefit! How can it be beneficial to basically lie to dh, faking emotions for life? It affirms that he should be with someone else who can really love him...if I stayed as it is I would be denying him that chance?

Hi Arabella stick with us through the brain fog.

I think I mentioned this recently in a previous post, but this thread is just so, so helpful as it has documented the last few months. It makes me realise that I am continually unhappy and I have posted a few 'incidents'. So when we have a 'good' friend or 'brother and sister' days like today, over the inlaws, shopping, having to sit in the car together stuff. It makes me want to stick to the plan in my head. I find it all such bloody hard work. I find him bloody hard work. I feel like I am continually in a bad mood, snappy at the kids..

My point is that use this thread to document your way through.

Anyway - it seems a seed has been sewn. Just finances really. I mentioned a house a few doors down is for rent and he had mentioned he had looked at somewhere so I think he is probably thinking it should happen too. It's all quite nerve wracking.

Also a close family member is getting a diagnosis tomorrow which could be very heavy on us so we're all a bit nervous for that.

Sorry I am not very good at replying to individual posts and I accidentally mentioned this post the other night to him so I am a bit nervous about posting..

Hello how is everyone ?
Don't know if I am coming or going at the moment, just trying to coast along
Just don't know what I want !

Sorry to hear Spam. What's up?

I am definitely doing this.

Hi all. I'm still definitely doing it. Had a wobble over Christmas with all the family sentiment etc but strip it back and dh is the same selfish uncaring unable to show any love or feeling bloke that totally frustrated me before. I feel for the kids but I see how much better we are with the kids separate than together and even if there is no one else out there for me so be it. I love my dcs and am so grateful that they are in my life and I'll be happy with that. They really are great kids.
Hope everyone's ok. Iron, Spam turmoil is normal and indecision.
Que and everyone I can't remember.
Happy new 2017. Get going 2016.

Good luck iron this will be the bravest step to make

I went to work needed the distraction but I felt so flat coming home

I just don't understand why
Am I depressed because of the boredom of marriage/home life or am I depressed because of unhappy marriage (which is mad because husband is an amazing husband but no feelings of intimacy from me)
To top it off the private counsellor is quoting lots and I can't face going back to relate anymore
We have kids who are full on because of SN and have no time together yet I don't want to spend time with DH

Just so confused
Also this is de ja vu from last year

My DH said he doesn't know what I want and tbh I don't either!
Sorry not making sense just so unhappy not sure why

I find myself looking forward to my next work night out
I am doing exercise so am doing everything to help my mind!
I feel guilty cos op s here describe DH s who are lazy etc
My dh isn't I just cannot connect with him anymore
I imagine myself single and sometimes that feels great the possibility and other times I think I must be hankering after something which isn't there
I am worried I am getting into dangerous territory (affair) not that I would ever do this but I am not connecting with DH I am hankering after intimacy with someone I want to

Think I do need counselling! just feel so fed up with feeling like this

iron keep us posted

Spam - everything you have written is part of the process. Couples fall out of love. Don't beat yourself up about the "he is such a good guy" I have one of those also and that the point of this thread. When it's you making the decisions and splitting something up that "ain't so bad", but also "ain't no good" or is not good enough. For me - no sex is criminal and extremely damaging for me. Like it's being withheld- a kind of torture. So I get what you are saying.
You are just going through the emotions and it is perfectly natural to feel these thoughts, guilt and constant hamster wheel, pendulum syndromes. 

Hi Shandy.

Thanks for all the encouragement. Means a lot.

IronNeonClasp. Hello to you, why the walk out, it's hard going threw things without putting it all right with a friend. Are you feeling any better today. I'm going threw a bit of a shit time to, just questioning everything. It's good to have here but nothing like a good mate. Hope your ok

Hi NeedChange. I guess my story is within the near 2000 posts.

A line from a movie I am watching "So I only belong to you and you don't want me". In a nutshell.

I think my name says it all. Need a change. I think we all do. I carried on for four years wishing for change, I now sit at home thinking if I don't stick to being strong then I'll never have a chance to be happy. We should definiatly love ourselves and sod what anyone else thinks. I wory so much about still being in the same situation another year down the line and still this unhappy. Leaving him is the only thing that might allow me to be truley happy with someone who realy loves me

Well I'm sadly joining this thread. I'm sat in bed eating toast which I'm not usually allowed to do as DH has gone to his Mums and taken our DS with him so I can have space. I can't share everything to my story as it would make me feel vulnerable but I have been deeply unhappy since Easter following an incident with DH sister. We were both career driven folk, I have ill health now and was retired in my forties by my work.
financially we would initially be fine in a split its ongoing expenses I worry about. I wouldn't be entitled to any benefits as have too much in savings, but they would run out one day.

As there are no third parties involved just a question has anyone or does anyone know a successful set up where people live as housemates but not as a couple. It's quiet appealing to me. I assume very strong boundaries would need to be in place if either of us dated but at the moment I have no interest in a relationship though two of my friends have already tried to set me up, that was a wtf? moment.

He works very long hours and travels abroad sometimes basically I would carry on running the house I just wouldn't sleep with him anymore and we would be not a couple, the last time I had sex with him I felt absolutley nothing it was a weird numbness I can't even put in to words and we had a pretty amazing sex life for 18 years.
Any thoughts it's currently civilised and I want to keep it like that. I have told our son we both love him and none of this is his fault. To quote my son you are way cooler when Dad is away Mum, he basically stresses me out when he is around. I did give him both barrels over Christmas and it was just a huge relief. I cried for two whole days but the relief was tangible.
at no point did he say he was sorry or upset.

Any thoughts welcome.

To add I have been telling him since Eater I didn't feel the same, should we have coupes counselling, please engage with me but he hasn't.

Hi all

I've posted on here a lot but not for a while. 2016 was a really tough year. I feel it took my stbex a good 8 months to come to terms with us splitting. We are still house sharing which until the last couple of weeks has been hellish. I think we have found some sort of truce but I know I can only cope so long. He has said he will start looking for a flat in Januay, I've had a separation agreement drawn up but he is yet to get back to me. I would not recommend living together for long term. I have further complicated things by meeting someone unexpectedly. I ended up telling my stbex for various reasons. It is really hard for both of us. I can only say though being unhappy is no way to live.

Hi Mittens and HotWater.

Seriously the unhappiness is not something any of us should tolerate. I too have been desperately unhappy this year trying to keep everything functional. I lost a cousin in February and my OH was very "you weren't even close to him" which I found extremely heartless as it affected my whole family - he was only 19. I just felt he had no heart and was devoid of emotion. When I was at the funeral I went to with my Mum as he never accompanies me to anything I reevaluated my entire life.

Of course I want to plod on and make it work but it is broken and I cannot fix it. And finally he is in agreement. All we have left to do is make a plan. So he has been desperately unhappy I assume.

I probably sound really harsh but I cannot tell you how many times I have sobbed and sobbed and tried and put myself through torture going back and forth not being able to make this work.

New year. Time to make changes. You only get one go at this life as previous posters have said.

Happy New Year to you all. I was in bed by 10:30!

AllOver - are you still around? Is anyone else around who has got to the other side safely? Would love to hear your journey. I am in pendulum mode again after visiting my DF and his threats of a cold divorce and the time it takes :(

Thanks for the welcome Iron.

Ah the no support thing like your poor cousin dying, so sad.I would want to be nice to you and I don't even know you.

I had a cancer scare 5 years ago and spent 8 weeks with various biopsies and tests. I took a really good woman friend along with me because I knew my DH would sit and read work papers or the economist and ignore me in the waiting area.

New Year and its Groundhog Day all over again 😞. I'm struggling with the guilt at the moment, I think I have made my decision and feeling awful about stringing everyone along.

spent NYE at home alone as DH and DS went to his mums. My sister sent me tons of drunken texts she is in similar position to me. Spent evening talking to my gaming mates in a party gaming and playing cards against humanity online. Two of them are going through break ups, it was the sad miserable fuckers online NYE party for the broken hearted. One of them passed out as so drunk. I got tipsy but made sure I didn't get too drunk.

I'm sat in bed eating ready made mash potato with brown sauce because I bloody well can. Lol.

I couldn't drink any more. Made myself curry and went up to bed. I really don't have anything to celebrate aside from it being a new year. I am also on champix to give up cigarettes which is making me feel pretty queasy. I have broken out in loads of spots on my face. I am reading unsatisfying sex partner which is making me want to walk out. We are both sat opposite ends of sofa on devices. Nothing has been mentioned...

I think the worst thing is the not knowing if it's for the best. If only we had a crystal ball to show us the outcome of splitting. So glad I did it, wish I'd done it sooner but such is life! Everything worked out for the best for me and my XH.