Thread for those who have left marriages that weren't AWFUL, just unsatisfying (pt. II)

[All0vertheplace]

The last thread reached 1,000 posts (!) so here's where we can keep the discussion going. Cake and flowers to all.

Barn so good to hear your update. It's gives me hope. I've been up & down. Christmas was actually ok & everything seemed to be ok until yesterday where once again he started the whole why, backtracking, denial thing. I was up all last night in tears. So today although exhausted I had the office to myself at work so was a bit naughty and inbetween doing urgent work I sorted out lots of financial stuff and printed out the separation agreement to give him tonight. Now I just need him to find somewhere to live.

Hot, will he do that though? I don't think mine will...he doesn't want to split, and doesn't want to leave his home.. The latter I can totally understand... So he's in no hurry. A big part of me feels it would be easier on my conscience if I moved out to a rented house, taking dds. Downside is it would cost more as he cld manage with a 2bed where I'll need at least 3...and my Dds don't want to leave this home! Got to put them first.

Mine is the same, refusing to leave, it's his home etc. Part of me understands but it's toxic living together. Even our 13 year old has said to us both it will be better when Dad moves out. He will move for her sake. I'm the same can't afford a 3 bed or even a 2 bed by myself whereas he can so it makes sense.

Thank you everyone for your kind words and I'm so sorry so many of you are in the same situation.

I suppose I don't want to leave coz I'm stubborn and don't give in easily but I've felt like this on and off for at least 6 years so I suppose it's not going to change from my pov.

Has any of you spoken with the kids about how they would but without coming out and saying it if that makes sense? Like a hypothetical conversation? I'm just asking as I would like to know how they are feeling without upsetting the apple cart so to speak or worrying them.

My husband just come in and the kids didn't notice so I said oh dad's home. My 8 nearly 9 year old said she didn't care that dad was home. I was quite surprised if I'm honest as I do try my best not to say anything. Any advice? I'm feeling numb tonight and just past it all and ready for him to just go! But again he's being so nice and softly spoken and asking if I'm ok all the time and doing housework and considering me. I feel grateful but then is this not how it should be all the time or is that just me expecting too much?! I think it's hard when you get together so young ( I was 16) as I have no other relationship to compare it too! Hope everyone is doing ok

Hi Barn so good to hear from you. It sounds like you've been through some hard times but I'm so glad your coming out the other end and sounding so positive.
As you can see I'm still here, almost at the splitting stage now but it's sooo tense and yuck being aware that you're going to cause huge shock waves and turn my family's lives upside down.

Yes Dm, I have spoken to dds, and asked what they would like to happen.. What they are worried about and their thoughts on it all really.. It was very very eye opening, as they actually want us to separate, want to stay in this hse, not move school.. They love their dad but are also sick of the toxic atmosphere here. They are all under 15, it was an epiphany moment I have to say...after agonising over stay for kids sake!? He doesn't have same relationship with them as I do ( quite normal I suppose) so doesn't ask them stuff? He's pretending it's all happy lol. I believe in being as straightforward and honest as poss without making 'the announcement ' to dds without him knowing I'm doing it...but his head in sand / no communication is making that difficult. I'm gonna have to push that too and say I'll do it if u don't get head out of sand!

I am quite shocked how many of us are in the same situation where Partner is content, doesn't want to leave family home.

I too cannot afford another place. Makes it all very hard work.

It is a constant revelation how many of us are in same boat! I think men are much better off in marriage , even in an unsatisfying marriage, than women are.. They get a really good deal...And are often complacent. For me, I don't feel I need, rely on or get support from him..plus I don't actually fancy him anymore..so what's in it for me?? I have replaced his mum...he was complaining loudly that he had no clean pants during the hols.. Wtaf! Use the feckin machine then, I'm past caring and ignore this type of comment

Yes I agree Iron and Hurley even in a bad marriage husbands have an easy time and even if they transgress with ow society minimises it and forgives his actions. Whereas dw who recognises and takes action to sort out a bad marriage, gets no action, no change from dh and eventually after much angst gives up and cuts her losses is vilified and blamed by society.
But even after a split I think women still do the lion share of sorting, arranging children's lives, but hopefully it'll be easier and more transparent.

Thanks SlowTrain. This is so encouraging for me.

I am feeling an uber-bitch and he is on utterly good behaviour to the point of opening my pants drawer this am and folded pants in there . Does he really think after 13 years that suddenly folding my pants will help???

Seriously?

And now I feel incredibly heartless and vile.

I feel like I'm being heartless and cruel too...why do we feel like this? It's crap and damaging for kids to be in this kind of atmosphere so it's definitely not in their interest to stay put...the good behaviour will not last, despite the promises, and wen it does revert to the norm imagine how resentful you would feel then..
I just don't believe my dh truly will everything understand wot the issues are here, hence he would only be putting sticking plasters on the problem, it would not ever be solved.. It can't be as I don't have feelings for him in intimate way anymore. I just hope long term we can be ok with each other, be happy and have a different type of relationship to this...a lot of that depends on how he acts now tho!

Hi All. I've just been dipping in. Just wanted to update on the lack of progression here.

So, mentioned earlier today that DH folded my pants which was odd. Not sure it was intended to piss me off. Sure it has been done from some kind of 'love' from his heart , but does not deter from the fact that, I have been sleeping - either in DD bottom bunk or mainly sofa for weeks with no offer of bed. I creep in at 06:15 and try and get some zz's. When we have talked about going our separate ways he is all about the money. Makes me feel like a money machine. No sex. No chatting about "we've been together so long, lets work at it".

I am still at my 'sport' and went to the gym yesterday lunch to work on upper body and thighs. I gave up smoking (on Champix since 27 Dec) on Sunday night. Had a smear today and coil fitted. I am feeling a bit dazed and confused - especially with the Champix. I'm feeling yuck, in pain and crampy.

And I have made absolutely no attempt to contact a solicitor as I have been pretty down this last week and a half. Well, since my DF said I should really think about the consequences of my actions. It truly has been a headfuck for me since 29 Dec.

Hang on there lovely ladies...

I am wondering if you are still dipping in AllOver and will be here to start a new thread in time?

• I creep in and get some zz's when he is getting ready for work.

Iron wow stay strong, you can do this. You're going through so much. We all are. We're all here with you x

The way I feel at the minute Iron I wouldn't cope with my underwear being touched by my DH even if I wasn't in them. It's weird he did that and a bit creepy and controlling.

DS and myself had a rack of ribs each last night at a time we chose to eat, around 6.30. I'm not waiting for DH anymore I know he has a demanding job but I was sick of waiting to eat at 8.30. I actually feel it was bad for my digestion.

I can at least eat again, I ate almost nothing for two weeks, my break up diet as I joke. Survived on crisps, cheese on toast and baileys for the first week. I will be honest I was drunk every night that first week and I'm no big drinker.

Mittens - yes controlling or just trying. No idea. I'm sorry to hear you are going through this.
Thank you Que. I just don't know what to do for the best anymore..

Iron, it's stunningly daft wen anyone says 'have a think about what you are doing ' as if you're would initiate this serious stuff on a whim...or just because you're fancy a change?? I'm sure it's pretty much all you have thought about for a long time, going over all scenarios in your head until you almost go mad! Bottom line is.. You are very unhappy? You need to make the right changes to become happy... Keeping everyone else happy is not way to do it, you deserve to be happy it's not being selfish.

Had first counselling
This will be slow I think I may have already checked out but counsellor is someone I could get on with
Trying to be patient but sometimes I am so close with ending it
These feelings are just not going away and not sure I will ever get a connection back with dh
....
So tired of feeling like this and so up and down

It's sad we are all in this situation
A friends friend died recently at 45! I then think we only get one life so go for it
But think we are all caring people for OH s and DC s and despite what we are feeling we still find it hard to end it
I suppose also there is that small chance I could get it wrong by ending it
Strength to everyone going through this xx

Sorry Spam. Well done for going down the counselling route. I completely agree. That 'small chance' and the fate of 'regret' terrifies me.

Hurley - he has changed his behaviour entirely. It's very difficult to dislike him although sexually I feel nothing. Perhaps this could be healed. I feel like I have been in pendulum state for months, then committed to ending it and now salvaging anything because - I literally cannot afford a way out.

What a fucking state of affairs.

Hi everyone, so glad to have found this thread.
I honestly have no 'strong' reason to break up what will be 20 years together later this year, 16 years married. 3 lovely girls 17, 12 and 7. When it's 'just' because I'm unhappy and though I love my DH i'm no longer in love with him. Physical side has gone, not even kisses goodbye now unless forced and that doesn't last long. No texts / phonecalls in the day while I'm at work, kisses on texts stopped a long time ago.

We had a hard and emotional 'talk' back at the beginning of December and i was honest and said I don't see us getting through this, that I don't think there is anything to save between us but that we should focus on xmas and making it good for our girls. That they are the main concern and figure out how to take the fact we don't argue and never have, and move that into being positive about supporting our girls and shared custody IF we break up.

I sorted a bank account (plan on closing joint account) and have my wages going in for the first time next week. I have some spare cushion on my credit card now and could afford a deposit / bond, but have never rented - we are council tenants.

I work full time hours but am on a 20 hour contract so it does dip sometimes, but around £800 a month on a quiet month. So rent will be a big expense on my own.

I don't know where to start in terms of furniture etc if I move out - emotionally wouldn't want much from our home. I am wondering whether I could cope in a small 2 bed flat that I've seen for a while and then maybe look at a 3 bed house - to stop me having a big house to fill / kit out.

So many variables - custody is another one - I work flexible hours - for instance monday I am starting at 6am and it'll be a long day, some days I finish 4.30-5pm others will have to work on till 6 or later, I also do oncall once every 11 days (overnight or a full weekend day and night) and start in different locations. So all of the above make 50/50 custody impossible on paper. I don't know if we'd be able to be that flexible with the girls. youngest won't go to breakfast club - we've tried and there is no after school care.

Hubby is a SAHD - he is doing a part time degree and has a small turnover work from home job too but that's more of a hobby for him it doesn't make much at all.

So good to get this all out there.. I don't know how to move forward, if there was some big break moment then it'd be so much easier. I feel like I'm going to wreck my childrens lives for selfish reasons.

Welcome porffor. Ah the guilt and logistics and money issues. It's horrible.
I feel drained by it all and finally having told my family today about our impending split up. They are devastated and want me to try again and realise the gravitas of my actions. Hurley your post has therefore come spot on time for me.
I did expect it. I've been having this conversation with myself for over a year now every day and of course if they had been party to that perhaps their reaction would be different but how could they be. I chose not to that and maybe I shouldn't have but it didn't seem helpful for me to decide. That's why dh has known for so long as yes for him it would have been more unfair to come out of the blue.
I am so tense my chest is clammy and I keep having to remind
myself to breathe.
The next few weeks are going to be hell.
Hugs to all

Welcome all. The logistics & finances I think are so difficult, I actually think some of us may not have had all these heartbreaking worries & split up a long time ago if money was no object and the kids would not be affected in that way.

My stbex was supposed to move out this month.....nothing happening. He has the separation agreement, unsigned as yet. I received my tax claim credits yesterday as well as quite a large backpay. I now feel bad as he is still here, although living separately in every way. But I needed it in place to survive. Could you all honestly tell me if it would be bad for me to squirrel away the backpay as an emergency fund for the kids & I? I have not a penny to fall back on once he leaves.

Shandy, I was once told if you think negatively then things will go that way. You are so brave telling your family, tell yourself the next weeks won't be hellish, they will be productive & the beginning of your new life. Make a list, start dealing with finances, bills. We can all do this x

Thanks for the welcome and yes indeed emotions and money..

i drove past a house that is for rent today. Have been considering a viewing. I literally saw someone I know (he owns the livery yard I've had our horses on till recently) and it twigged - he owns and rents out houses as part of his company. I stopped and had a chat, he has a 3 bedroom with decorators in - is going to call me in a couple of weeks to show me round. I'm a firm believer in fate and things happening if they're meant to. It's in a good location and close enough for D2 to walk to and from school and hang out with her friends (she can't do this in our current house as it's too far). it'd mean i wouldn't need to pay fee's and also references not needed as he knows where i work and has known us for 8 years, it'd give me a working relationship with my landlord too.

am feeling more positive - Hubby wants to get new beds for D2 and D3 as we promised after Xmas. I think i'll have a chat around that time and suggest keeping old ones for me to take with me - they'd be good for continuity and also temporary use.

Today I'm feeling strong - fingers x'd it lasts.

I seem to have sunken into a bit of a depressed state. Not sure if new coil and combination of small things. I feel like I cannot do 'today' and the 'family' stuff. I am obsessing about having my own space. Gah

Someone please help! Forgot my log in from when I posted previously so new name but still same issues 😢

After a big blow out end of the summer, he agreed that if that was how I really felt then he would once he found a job and then had Xmas to which I agreed to. Well.. both of these things have happened and he is now disagreeing. Raised the topic the other night where his solution was that I should get a hobby so I feel more excited about life, have more to talk about and then I will feel differently about him. I like his philosophy and reasoning but I just don't love him any more!!!!!
We agree that the reason we are at this point is because we neglected us for far too long and the kids have taken over everything else but I can't help how I feel. How many times can I be made to say to him that I am not attracted to him anymore.. I don't want to have sex with him... I don't feel excited or happy at the thought of being with him forever and thought of just me and him when the kids are all grown up fills me with dread!
His view is that this is all about me and basically tough. He will help me by encouraging and supporting me to do any hobbies and wants to book a family holiday and remortgage the house so we can redo our kitchen but at the end of the day he is not going anywhere so I've got to sort myself out and suck it up.
I'm constantly on the verge of tears. It's like I'm shouting but no one is listening. He says he is still madly in love with me and everytime I say I want out he tells me what I should do and then sticks his head back in the sand and acts like nothing has changed.
He is not a bad man. I've told him this and a fantastic father. I've tried explaining that he is like a brother to me now and I cannot see my feelings changing. He has managed to drag this out for nearly 18 months now so obviously thinks he is 'winning' despite me telling him over and over I don't want to be with him anymore. I'm just so tired of constantly feeling like this. My life being in limbo and not being able to make any future plans. Constantly on edge with that churning feeling inside.
Sometimes I think it would be easier just to let it go. Everyone would be happier and we do 'work' as a family (just not as a couple). He has even said he would be willing to sacrifice never having sex again if it meant staying together (I have said no sex for last year as feels 'wrong' when I feel the way I do).
As lovely as it is that he is willing to do whatever it takes to cling onto us it just makes me feel worse. My relationship with him makes me feel like I'm 60,not my thirties. I know that after 15 years together things will change but I don't want to be in a celibate partnership with someone 'nice' for the rest of my life.
My head (and life) is such a mess 😣