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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Has anyone managed to.....

278 replies

Flyingdoggles · 21/06/2016 09:21

......get their do to do more around the house and actually keep it up

At the moment I do 99% of the housework and I've had enough. On the whole other than that our relationship is fine but it's got me so fed up rows are getting started all the time.

We both work full time but he says he's tired or busy or wants to relax in the evenings. I can't stand the mess so end up doing the cleaning or tidying so it's done.

I've tried suggesting we get a cleaner and got a no, I've left the cleaning undone but I caved first, i left the recycling for a while and it didn't get taken out

Any suggestions on how to fix this would be much appreciated

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/06/2016 16:49

"OK, thank you all, I know what I need to do

Although I would like it to work out if it can, if it cannot I am not afraid of ending it (if that makes sense)"

Flyingdoggles,

First sentence is good but second still sounds like the dreaded sunken costs fallacy. Please read up on this in respect of relationships. It also takes two people to make a relationship work, you cannot and must not carry a relationship on your own. What has he done to make this relationship work here?. Seemingly not very much from what I have read.

Flyingdoggles · 22/06/2016 16:52

Like I said, I am giving him this one last chance

You have all been fab at giving me points I need to talk through with him, thank you

I appreciate it more than you can know, a lot of what has been said is what I have feared

We will see how the next few weeks pan out

OP posts:
Flyingdoggles · 22/06/2016 16:54

Attila you're right, so far he's been rubbish, this is last chance saloon for the relationship

If he can make the changes needed then we can move on, if he can't so be it

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 22/06/2016 16:57

Good luck with the attempted personality transplant Grin

Flyingdoggles · 22/06/2016 17:00

AnotherEmma that made me laugh a lot!

It will be his loss if he fails, that is what I keep telling myself

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/06/2016 17:00

How many times have you said enough already though?.

He has not listened to you at all has he. He does not even want to get a cleaner in (cleaning being your job in his head after all, also he thinks he will have to pay for such a person as well).

Ok its your choice (and perhaps borne out of the sunken costs fallacy) but do not let this last chance you are giving him go onto be another "last chance" for him say in six weeks time.

Baconyum · 22/06/2016 17:01

Oh the mortgage comes from his account. We aren't 50:50 owners, I think its roughly 70% 30%

That is VERY worrying

You THINK it's 70/30
You've DISCUSSED if you split what the situation would be re house (that suggests this eventuality is NOT covered in the written agreement)
Is it a proper legal written agreement? Have you had it looked at by YOUR OWN lawyer not a joint one? Is it notarised?

Tbh I can see him claiming the house as his or at least that he owns half!!

Have you proof that you've paid mortgage? (Transferring money into his account is NOT proof, he can claim that was for ANYTHING again look on relationships board plus I've known this happen in real life) you should have receipts acknowledging that was for the mortgage.

As for kids! If he's tired and grumpy and needs an HOUR to recharge now he is NOT going to cope with kids!

Housework - cleaner in the shared house...so...he's NEVER had to do certain jobs. I'm guessing the ones everyone hates but as an adult it needs done. So has he EVER cleaned the loo? Scrubbed down cupboards? Mopped floors? Cleaned skirting boards?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/06/2016 17:03

"It will be his loss if he fails, that is what I keep telling myself"

You will see it as a loss but you have not failed if this relationship does go south. He may well not see it as that nor feel that he has himself failed here. He'll probably carp to all and sundry that "flyingdoggles left me, boo hoo".

No more second, third, forth or fifth chances following on from this one!!!.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 22/06/2016 17:04

Making an effort to be less grumpy lately Well what a prince. That's really sad flying It means he finds it hard to stop himself being horrible to you.

Since he started "trying" to not be an arse, what happens when he fails and is grumpy, short or condescending? Does he immediately notice and apologise? Do you immediately call him on it and then he apologises?

Baconyum · 22/06/2016 17:10

And he'd find it a hell of a lot harder 'trying not to be grumpy' when you're both sleep deprived and stressed after a baby!

adora1 · 22/06/2016 17:14

OP, you've taken some bashing from us and I sorry about that, you sound so lovely and nice, good luck!

DPotter · 22/06/2016 17:20

Flying -regarding the housework stuff - he doesn't need a few weeks. He needs to step up this evening, and certainly take on his full share this weekend. I would say by Sunday evening you could have a very firm idea if he has taken you seriously.
he needs to demonstrate from this evening on and for a lonnngg time that he has changed for the better.

And even if he does - don't back down on your name

Goingtobeawesome · 22/06/2016 17:25

I don't think he will change. If he really cared he wouldn't need t lying, he doesn't see you as equal. Why do you want to be with someone who sees you as beneath him?

Flyingdoggles · 22/06/2016 17:26

No I won't back down on this, or his attitude issue. What I mean by a few weeks is he has to keep it up, not be a short term situation.

Yes it's all legally noted who put what in to the house, he's signed paperwork etc. I can prove everything, I've been incredibly careful in that regard.

The tired when we have kids situation is something I plan to talk to him about too.

All so helpful, any further thoughts please keep them coming

OP posts:
Goingtobeawesome · 22/06/2016 17:26

He wouldn't need telling

expatinscotland · 22/06/2016 17:29

'What I mean by a few weeks is he has to keep it up, not be a short term situation. '

And, after a few weeks, he'll slide back.

'The tired when we have kids situation is something I plan to talk to him about too.'

You shouldn't have to. Adults realise this. They realise they don't take out stuff on their partners or kids.

Flyingdoggles · 22/06/2016 17:36

Sorry that's my bad wording, I mean that if he thinks he's tired now having kids will be a shocker and he won't be able to be grumpy

If he slides back then that's it

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LilacInn · 22/06/2016 17:37

It's not just whether he would "help" with future kids so you don't do 99pct. It's how he would treat them & make them feel.

A friend married a divorced man child with two young kids. In the ensuing 20 years he has done little for those kids emotionally, practically or financially. No animosity its just that he is only capable of thinking about himself and his comforts and wants, 24-7.

I've seen how the now 30ish kids just dismiss him as a sort of amiable jackass not to be relied upon, consulted or informed about anything of import in their lives. He is humored and tolerated as one would a toddler.

My dad would have given the coat off his back or the food from his plate till the day he died if we were in need. He was always helping with our home DIY and basically anything to make sure his (capable, independent and well employed) daughters were healthy and happy. Because he was a kind & reliable person. Similarly he took care of his mother, auntie. So my standards are high. Please don't saddle your future kids with a selfish man child as their father figure.

LilacInn · 22/06/2016 17:39

Btw if it is not clear in my above anecdote the two kids are her husband's bio kids not hers. She has done more for them than their own father.

TempusEedjit · 22/06/2016 17:48

You say you have a similar attitude as to how you would bring up kids - but how could you be similar when your attitude as to how to be in a couple is so different?

He might say that he's 50/50 responsible for the housework but his actiins tell you loud and clear that it is your job. You obviously don't have unrealistic expectations if previous partners just did what they thought was the norm and you were ok with the standard of what they did.

If you have kids you can bet he'll either act like that's your job too or he'll agree in principle to be an equal parent but mysteriously his job will require him to start working away again. That's best case scenario - in reality I predict you'll all be spending your life walking on eggshells for fear of setting him off on one.

Baconyum · 22/06/2016 17:55

Yea I really don't see a guy who sees housework as the woman's job, almost insists on the woman changing her name to his upon marriage and doesn't act fairly financially being the type who'll parent equally.

I'd be shocked if he even took paternity leave!

He certainly wouldn't do night wakings or staying home when the kids are sick when you're both working!

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 22/06/2016 17:57

flying you were scared to talk to him about a relationship ending problem because he was feeling tired last night and it would have ended up as a row.

Sounds awfully like you were carefully managing yourself to avoid setting him off, to keep him happy, when you were feeling so so tired of it all, last night.

You knew that he would not do the same. He would not manage himself to keep you happy when he was tired.

This is you two in the easiest stage of your life. You catch up on sleep at the weekend, two incomes, no kids, easy to look after property, mortgage easily manageable, careers on the up, plenty of time for hobbies, work late whenever you want, healthy and young.

Yet he can be too tired to be nice to you. You will have to talk to him about what will happen when you have children. That is so wrong. He is the one who is behaving like a brat. He is the one who should be thinking about how he wants to behave towards you. He should be thinking about how to change his behaviour. He should be the one thinking about how it will be when he has children. He knows he is an arse when tired, everyone on the planet knows parenting means exhaustion, so he should be thinking and planning and telling you how he plans to manage himself.

If you have to push him to consider any of this, if you have to "have a talk" about his behaviour, that indicates very clearly that he does not see his mistreatment of you as a problem that is his problem.

What would happen if you stopped managing his behaviour?

You know, expect him to be an adult, expect him to speak to you with respect and kindness at all times, call him on it immediately if he doesn't, don't think carefully about whether he is in the right frame of mind to act like he cares about you if he needs calling on something.

Flyingdoggles · 22/06/2016 18:03

Some really interesting points there.....thank you

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 22/06/2016 18:06

It may help to recognise that he is not "wrong" if he doesn't want to change his personality and behaviour to suit what you want in a long term partner. And you are not "wrong" to refuse to be what he clearly wants in a long term partner.

It doesn't make the relationship a failure or even mean anyone is to blame. It just means you two took a bit longer than normal to realise you weren't what the other one needs in a spouse and co-parent. It took a long time because he worked away a lot and so your different expectations didn't show until quite late.

This is why people live together. This is why you get to know someone really well before you have children with them.

It is only a failed relationship if you continue it after you both realise you are after different things.

Flyingdoggles · 22/06/2016 18:11

Yes, I just want what is best

It all came about as I thought about what having kids with him would look like and wasn't sure I liked it

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